When Josh left my side, it was like he had taken all the lights in the city with him, the adrenaline gone but the buzz of the aftermath still around me. I accepted it willingly as I hugged the thin sheets around my body now that I was back in my own room. I actually ate a decent meal at dinner and even allowed the stupid grin on my face to widen from time to time.

I finally gave my virginity to a man I was falling for and who cared about me so much, it showed on his face as soon as he laid eyes on me. For a psychiatrist, he sure needed to work on his poker face since tonight I saw it all—the love, the lust, the attempt at being professional and the guilt afterwards. I knew I held no regrets about what happened, but he just might later on.

The guilt didn’t surprise me. I was actually prepared for it as soon as our clothes hit the floor. If he didn’t feel guilty, it would have thrown me off. He was not only human, he was a doctor. A renowned and ‘doctor of the year’ kind of doctor who could lose his practicing license if we were caught. However, we didn’t mean for this happen, it just kind of did.

That was the funny thing about falling in love with someone. I might have come close to it before, but not like this. This was like something that fell into my lap unexpectedly at the right time in my life. This warm feeling blooming inside of my chest was exactly what I needed after the last nine months of darkness.

I wanted to hold on to it. I knew it wasn’t the entire solution for the hole in my heart, but it was something. It was hope, pure and innocent and warm. It was a yellow balloon carrying me above the clouds. I didn’t want to let go, not before I knew what could evolve between Josh and me. Yet I was worried about his job on the line.

I forced myself out of bed to fish out my PJs from the adjacent wooden dresser. I slipped on a pair of shorts and a thin tank top and headed to the bathroom. Once my nightly routine was finished, I climbed under the sheets and took a big whiff. They still smelled like him. Like us—like sex, and my body warmed due to the heady scent. I blushed, wondering if we would do it again. My head quickly whipped up fantasies of him taking me on his office desk, the chair, the couch, everywhere and anywhere inside his four beige walls. Papers would be pushed onto the ground and scattered about. Video games would be forgotten, the screen in pause mode. The curtains closed and the doors locked.

I yearned to indulge in those fantasies for the rest of night, but every time I tried to play them further, I hit a road block because deep down, I wasn’t sure if there would be a next time. Or, even more importantly, what would become of Josh and me after my discharge in a few days. Only one extension was allowed during my stay, unless Josh dubbed me as a more severe case. Then I could stay another week on inpatient status.

“Believe it or not, the higher-ups usually frown upon that,” he’d explained to me when we went over my extension paperwork. “Nowadays, we are encouraged to have outpatient services as the end goal for most treatment plans, even for attempted suicide cases like yourself. As long as you are deemed harmless to yourself and others, once your observation period is over, we diagnose and discharge. No one likes to stay in here anyways,” he continued.

“Then what happens when I’m discharged? Do I still see you?” I’d asked as I soaked up all the given information.

“Well, once you’re discharged, an outpatient treatment plan will be put in place and can involve a mix of therapy and medication if needed. The plan can be in place for years after being hospitalized, depending on your progress, of course.”

His whole explanation led me to my next set of thoughts. He never did clearly state he would continue as my psychiatrist, and knowing his morals, he probably wouldn’t since we’d crossed the line of patient and doctor. The thought of him transferring me to someone else wasn’t a pleasant one. He was the only doctor since the accident that I trusted. How could I even face another shrink when it was taking me quite some just to let Josh under my skin and now that he was under it, I didn’t want him leaving. I needed him as my psychiatrist first, and reminded myself that sure, even if I did just sleep with him, I still required the professional help he was willing to give me.

However, whatever this was, like, love or lust, I selfishly didn’t want it to end. Yet I knew it was unfair of me to push that all on him. He didn’t mean for this to happen, and neither did I. Now we had to deal with the consequences, and I didn't want to deal with them alone. Nor did I think Josh would let me. I knew he felt as much as I did about the severity of our situation at hand. Feelings were involved, and now it was tangled mess of what is and what shouldn’t be. Perhaps, we both needed to take a step backwards to assess the possible damage done.

I replayed our last words to each other and amongst my serious concerns, I laughed, thinking of what I’d said to him about not going easy on him in Halo. Lisa would have been proud of me. Lisa. Shit. What would she think about me seducing my own psychiatrist to lay on top of me? Well, knowing Lisa, she would probably high-five me and smack me upside the head and ask me what the hell I was thinking. Then she’d take me out for a nice meal and drinks to celebrate the loss of my virginity.

Still, I knew she would ask the same questions I was already asking myself. What did our future hold? What would happen if anyone found out? Would he lose his job? Would he choose to keep me on as a patient or as a potential date? I looked up at the old wall clock. No wonder I was so exhausted; it was nearly 9:30. The exhaustion was not just physical but mental as well. My own thoughts jerked me down from my afterglow high. I rolled over onto my side and hugged my pillow tightly, going back to the lighter thoughts of Josh.

I pretended he was still holding me as my eyes grew heavy, and for once, the positive outweighed the negative. When I woke the next morning, for the first time in nine months, I hadn’t had a night terror.

* * *

The next few sessions went by in a blur. A butterflies-in-my-stomach kind of blur. Every time I showed up at Josh’s door, I found myself extremely thankful Lisa had packed me summer dresses and skirts when she dropped off more clothes for me. Things I would have worn before if I’d gotten off the couch and out of my sweats. She knew, too, how much these clothes would brighten my mood. Or maybe, just maybe, she had seen the spark between Josh and me.

I tried not to gush about him too much during our last visit together, but that didn’t mean she didn’t catch on. She was my best friend, after all.

On our last day together, I wore my periwinkle halter summer dress with a sweetheart neckline. It was knee-length and cinched in at my waist, accenting any curves I had. It did help that I’d gained some healthy weight back since my arrival, and my self-confidence soared when I looked in the mirror without cringing. I found a yellow headband and made quick work of my hair, putting it into a side braid, and applied light lipstick. I slipped on my flats and cheerfully waited for Blaine to escort me down the hall.

“Someone is excited to get this over with,” he commented when he did show up and gave me the once over, nodding in approval. He was like the big brother I never had, with bigger arms than I would have imagined any sibling having.

I grinned and twirled the skirt of my dress around. “Do you like it? I thought it was the perfect going home outfit,” I said. He agreed and led the way I knew by heart to Josh’s office.

I continued to let Blaine and the rest of the staff assume I was dressed up because I would be discharged that afternoon. Deep down, my heart knew I was dressed up for Josh because if this was the last time I saw him, I had to look my best.

I still wasn’t sure what Josh’s decision was on the whole matter. We barely talked about anything regarding that night in our sessions afterwards. Or about what lay ahead for us. Instead, we focused on me entirely and my future. Since it was easier to talk about the past with him lately, we talked productivity about where I should go from here. We also worked

on a suitable treatment plan for me once I was discharged, with certain personal goals in mind. Like college, my career path, and everything in between. It was like nothing had happened and we were back to business, and I was happy to focus on my treatment with him still by my side.

There were minor changes to our sessions too. Like how he sat next to me on the couch when we talked, and his hand grazed mine while it rested on his thigh. Or when we played video games, how our thighs touched and we would bump shoulders, egging the other on. It was like we had skipped the uncertainty of a relationship and went right into the established motions. We grew comfortable with each other in the brief time span we had together. It still didn’t soothe my queries about our night together nor about did what lied ahead, and I felt uncertain until I finally gained the courage to speak about it. Today would be my last shot for any kind of answers before I was pushed back into the real world. I had to do something.

I stood tall, smoothing my dress as we waited for Vickie to announce I was there. I waited a little longer than usual, but I wouldn’t let it mess with my surge of confidence. A few moments later, the door swung open, and much to my surprise, Josh looked like absolute shit. His eyes were tired with dark circles under them, and his clothes were made up of a wrinkled dress shirt under his lab coat with a coffee stain on it. He looked unkempt, and I hid my concern until we got behind closed doors.

“Is everything okay?” I asked. I frowned as I watched him pace the room. He never paced.

“Just peachy,” he said sarcastically. He was never sarcastic.

I wasn’t sure what to say next, so I stood near the door, dumbfounded, and waited for him to look at me, really look at me. I didn’t put all this work in for nothing, was what I wanted to say to him, but I bit my tongue to stifle the snarky comment.

“I’m sorry for asking,” I muttered and crossed my arms. That got him to stand still, and his eyes settled on my outfit. He fondly smiled once he openly checked me out. I mentally high-fived myself.

“Fiona, you look…amazing. Like you always do, of course. This is your going home outfit, am I right?” The lightness in his voice was back, though his appearance still bothered me.

“It’s not for going home… it’s for you,” I confessed and played with the hem of my dress. He walked over to me and tilted my head up by my chin.

“I love it,” he said before kissing me softly, something he hadn’t done since the evening in his office. I melted into his kiss and wrapped my arms around his neck for more, but I felt the hesitation in his body as his hands held nervously onto my hips.

“It’s okay. I missed this,” I said against his lips, my attempt to soothe his concerns. He nodded, and the kisses grew longer, harder, and heavier. My hands were in his hair, and his hands were reaching for my backside when he stopped us.

“Fiona, we have business to get to. I can’t. I want to, but I can’t….”

“Shh, it’s okay. Say no more,” I assured him and put a finger to his lips, which he kissed. As much as I wanted to continue, there were more important matters to discuss and I wouldn’t pout about it, not after the way he kissed me. Once we were untangled from one another, we sat on the couch together. Crossing his legs, he picked up a pile of papers and settled them into his lap. His pen clicked in his right hand.

“Now then, let’s talk about your discharge…”