I don’t know what possessed me to keep going, but I did. I walked right out of Golden Gate Park and straight down the street, past the looming hospital and into the colorful neighborhood of Haight-Ashbury. Oddly enough, the psychedelic swirls of colors and people soothed me as I strolled among the inner streets. Shops of all kinds surrounded and distracted me from the horrible feeling in my gut.

I went inside a few of the shops and bought an organic lemonade at one and a gluten-free muffin at another. I window shopped as I slurped my lemonade, and was busy looking at a purple crop top when I heard the high pitch of a little girl giggling nearby. She was maybe three years old, and her mother handed her a red balloon as they stepped onto the sidewalk from a children’s used clothing store.

She was beautiful, with big, curious eyes and her light-brown hair done up in two bouncy, wild pigtails. Her chubby hands clasped tightly around the string as another form came out of the shop. Her father, who appeared to be the one to thank for her looks. She giggled when he emerged and absentmindedly let go of the string for the sake of her daddy’s arms. Her mom caught the balloon before it could escape into the sky as her daddy heaved her up and gave her a wide smile. He took the mom’s hand, and together, they continued down the sidewalk. They never noticed what an impact they had made on an onlooker like myself.

I missed being that little girl who had a mommy to hold her balloon and a daddy to pick her up. I missed being a part of a family and parents who looked out for me, no matter what. I missed them. Period.

The new tears threatened to form as I allowed others to move around me. I told myself to keep it together and moved my legs to the front of the children’s clothing shop. They were having a sale. Small clothes of different shades of blues, yellows, and pinks adorned the window along with daisy stickers on the glass. I decided it wouldn't hurt to look and opened the wooden door to a tiny bell announcing my arrival.

The shop was small with an elderly woman behind the counter and another customer walking around. I greeted the clerk with a nod of my head before my eyes darted around the small space. I maneuvered around the various racks of clothing. The shop was daisy-themed with flowers decorating just about everything. There was a blue sky painted on the ceiling, and children’s music played in the background. I relaxed into the atmosphere and soaked it all in.

I headed over to the infant section and rummaged casually through the racks of cute little jeans, tees, and dresses. I wondered if the baby growing inside me was a boy or a girl. I secretly hoped for a girl. I imagined Josh wrapped around her tiny little finger from the moment he laid eyes on her. Listening to him as he talked about his nieces brought me to that conclusion. He clearly adored those little girls and spoiled them like a good uncle should. A little girl heaved up in his arms with me at his side didn’t seem too surreal.

I moved on to the various stuffed animals and toys that lined the back wall, and a certain stuffed animal drew my attention. It reminded me of my own childhood plush friend. It was a blue elephant, and I reached out for it to hold it in my hands. It was made of soft velvet material and had a pull string along its backside. I tugged the string all the way out and listened as a melody played faintly from inside.

My heart lurched forward when I recognized the tune. It was John Lennon’s “Imagine,” which happened to be my mother’s favorite song to sing to me when I was little. I choked back the emotions daring to come back up. Good grief. Being pregnant is more emotional than grieving, I thought as I clutched the lovely toy.

“A great gift for anyone expecting a little one.” The elderly clerk smiled softly as she neared me. Her hair was in a thick, white braid, and disappeared behind her back. Her eyes were as gentle as her voice, enclosed with etched crow’s feet. Her purple shawl draped over her long black skirt and gave her the grandmother vibe. I returned the gentle smile and looked down at the elephant.

“My favorite stuffed animal growing up was a blue elephant similar to this one, though it didn't play sweet music like this one does,” I replied with a little laughter in my voice.

“I agree. Though I do like the original recording of that song the best,” she commented. “There is a sale going on today. Expectant mothers get an additional fifteen percent off their purchase. I thought I would let you know, dear, but no rush or pressure.”

I thanked her for the information, and she toddled back up to the front to greet another customer who the bell had chimed for. I witnessed their interaction as the woman hoisted a baby carrier onto the counter. The clerk oohed and aahed at whatever little bundle of joy was cooing inside. The mother, on the other hand, looked exhausted. She wore pajama pants with a tank top, and her hair was thrown up into a messy bun that did nothing to hide her tired face. Nonetheless, she looked proud as the clerk cooed at the baby and asked the mom how she was doing.

I made my way up to the counter and caught the elderly woman’s attention along with the new mom’s. I placed the elephant down cautiously as if I would break it.

“This is all,” I said and met the new mom’s eyes.

“Those are a life saver,” she commented and pointed at the elephant being placed in a shopping bag by the clerk. “I got the same one for my son who wouldn’t stop crying all night. As soon as I pull the string, he quiets right down and is out before the song ends.”

I smiled and allowed myself to acknowledge the sleeping newborn, a girl, in the carrier. I gave the clerk the exact change from my purse and thanked her along with the mom for the advice.

The new mom spoke up before I left. “Don’t worry, I had the same look on my face when I found out I was expecting my first. And let me tell you, my ex was not ecstatic about it either. It’s natural to freak out, but I assure you, being a mom is the best thing. Exhausting, yes, but there is nothing better than holding your entire world in the comfort of your arms. You’ll eventually get the hang of it.”

I was speechless. Was I so easy to read? I glanced between her and the baby she had taken out of the carrier to cradle. The baby was asleep yet searched for food, her mouth opening and closing.

“Thank you for the kind words, but the elephant is for someone else,” I lied hastily, and she tilted her head, perhaps surprised she was wrong about me.

“Congrats, by the way. She’s beautiful,” I added and walked out before I could see the face the new mom had given me.

The problem was she wasn’t wrong about me. Not all. She was right on the dot, and it terrified me more than it should have at how easily a stranger could see right through me. Because that meant if she could see it, Josh could certainly see something was wrong. No matter how hard I pushed him away, I was doing quite the opposite.

“Shit,” I swore out loud and blinked out of my own thoughts. The sound of a bus’s engine roared my way, and I took out my phone from my purse to catch the time. It was well past four, and Lisa would be home from her classes any minute. I dug deeper into the confines of my purse to reveal enough change to make it back to our apartment.

My low heels clicked down the sidewalk and up into the bus where I found a window seat in the back and held the shopping bag on my lap. The bus rumbled back into traffic, and I observed the city as it sped past me.

The bus ride gave me time to consider my recent interactions of the day. From yelling at Josh to the nostalgia of my childhood to the new mom’s words of wisdom. It was like the universe was trying to assure me whatever I decided, it would turn out all right. Or maybe it was my parents guiding me. Maybe I needed to see all of that— the little girl, the clothes, the new mom—to come to the conclusion I would be okay, with or without Josh.

Josh had the right to choose for himself. Yet I’d shoved him away so I wouldn’t have to hear him out. I didn’t want him to let me down, and I didn’t want to be disappointed. I tried so hard not to set myself up for failure, but it was exactly what I had done.

I pulled out the elephant and crushed it against my chest. The way Josh’s face fell when I jerked away from him broke my heart. All I wanted was for him to reach out to me. To let me know he still cared, that this wasn’t simply some mark on his record. That it meant something more than words and lingering touches. That if I told him about the life growing inside me, he would rejoice in the news.

I plucked the string of the elephant, and the melody came to life. All the way home, I clung to the stuffed animal and the small thread of hope that Josh would be happy when I told him.

* * *

Fiona, please let me start with an apology. I am sorry I haven’t been able to treat you the way I’ve wanted to since day one. Every night before bed, I imagine you here sleeping soundly next to me. I would like to make it up to you in any way I can. I know this is selfish to ask but please, wait for me. That’s all I ask. I promise to not make you wait long. I just need a little more time to sort some things out with myself. I promise it will be worth the wait, my love. Then we can lay in bed and play as many rounds of Smash Brothers as you want. I should have sent this text weeks ago and hope you can forgive an inexperienced guy like me for being a coward.

I look forward to seeing you tomorrow. With love, Josh.

The massive text had been sent hours ago, and I was curled up in my bed, under the safety of my covers, reading it over and over. The elephant was snuggled against my chest as I stared at my empty reply box.

Lisa had left an hour ago, and it was harder to sleep alone in such a quiet place. Even the TV’s low-volume reruns of Friends didn’t help, not when I had someone across town thinking of me as I was thinking of him. There was so much to say between us and so few words said out loud. A few minutes passed before I put my phone on silent for the night and rolled over to face the wall.

I thought about the mother from the shop and what she had said about her first born not being able to sleep at night, so I tugged at the string. “Imagine” filled the empty space in my room, and my eyes grew heavy before I even realized it. In the morning, I vowed to run back to that shop in hopes of seeing the new mom so I could thank her for the best sleep I’ve ever had in my own bed.

I don’t want to sleep alone anymore. Please hurry <3

My text was read around three in the morning, and I knew he felt the same way.