I wasn’t supposed to look at Dr. Anderson’s schedule, nor was I supposed to being taking a break. My desk begged me not to, with all the files left over from the previous night. I couldn’t help it. I needed to see her alone to apologize for not being there when she needed me.

The transcription notes came over this morning and even with barely any sleep, my brain caught her name in the stack of computer files waiting for my sign off from the emergency room. The guilt hit me right in the stomach when I saw the reason why she was in the ER in the first place. Sudden panic attack, one so bad that she hyperventilated and passed out. Lisa made the call and the ER managed to get her condition stable and she awoke an hour or so after she came in. I scanned the notes quickly, not even bothering to look at the labs when I read that she was stable enough to be discharged and clicked on my e-signature and pulled up the schedule.

I can look at the rest later, I need to see her now.

It wasn’t just a want at this point but a need. After having to leave my desk after my sister called saying her husband, Al, had fallen down the basement stairs and she needed someone to stay with the girls while she took him to the hospital. I bolted right out of my office, leaving all my work behind and took a cab to her house. The girls were sound asleep, tucked in bed when I got there along with a frozen pizza and pack of beer with my name on it. I popped open a beer and prayed that not only would Al be okay but also that Fiona was okay. I still hadn’t heard from her and for the rest of the time, drank myself until a stupor, my sister and Al coming home to find me passed out on the couch and Al in crutches. A broken leg and sprained wrist for attempting to catch his fall was much a better diagnosis than I thought it would be. Goodbyes were said and snuck kisses on the girl’s heads were done and then I was on my way back home, crashing into my mattress at two am, only to wake up at five am, knowing my impending doom awaited me at the hospital. Not just that but Fiona still crossed my mind and it wasn’t until I saw her name across my screen that my heart quickened. Something wasn’t right and I needed to get to the bottom of it, thousands of unanswered questions hitting me all at once.

Were her texts a red flag? A foreshadowing of some type before her panic attack?

Deep down, I knew I was a part of it in some way, and her texts were her way of reaching out to me. It was a cry for help and I had the dropped the ball, hoping I could pick it back up without any damage.

So, instead of catching up on the work cluttering my desk, I pulled up the hospital’s server, the outpatient schedule displayed in front of me. Fiona was scheduled to be seen in the afternoon. Thankfully, the outpatient department wasn’t far from my office, one floor down and at the end of a long hallway. I pulled up my own schedule and puffed in frustration. My afternoon was overbooked, with a few new patients crammed into the little blocks of time I had. Usually, I requested new patients and enjoyed the busy afternoons.

Not today. I picked up the phone and dialed Vickie.

“Good morning, Dr. Sullivan. Need a refill on coffee?”

“Thank you for the offer, but that’s not the reason for my call. Can you see if Dr. Sampson is available this afternoon to take a few of these new patients off my hands? Due to last night’s late emergency, I haven’t had a chance to catch up on my dictation, and they’re well overdue. I’m sure he won’t mind the extra cases.”

“Of course, let me see what I can do,” she replied and we said our goodbyes.

My mind was planning how to get Fiona alone when Vickie called back within a few minutes.

“Dr. Sampson says you owe him a drink this Friday and to go getʼem. Whatever that means.”

“Tell him whatever he wants, it’s on the house.”

I hung up quickly and got to back work on another file before my 8 a.m. arrived. I peered down at my phone and contemplated telling Fiona I would like to see her after her appointment and how I truly missed having her around. Perhaps it would be better to surprise her. I agreed with my thought and got back to work. My morning needed to be as efficient as possible if I was going to pull off my impromptu afternoon visit.

* * *

Everyone around me seemed to have picked up on my good mood. My patients were all smiles and chatted easily, with nothing too hard or complicated to work on. No fits or attacks. Just an easy, breezy day which allowed me to have more than enough time to see Fiona. After I explained to Vickie I was taking a late lunch, I made the quick stroll down to the first floor.

I planned on making my entrance look casual as I wandered past the outpatient front desk. My eyes darted to the back to see Dr. Anderson’s door shut. Damn, I was early. A vending machine was nearby, so I made it my destination and fished some loose change from my pocket. I fed the change through the slot and pushed the Coke button. The pop clunked all the way to the bottom, and when I bent over to retrieve it, my eye caught the slender legs of the lovely Fiona Sims coming out of the door that led to the back offices.

I stood up and forgot all about the Coke as I walked past her, trying so hard not to look at her. It was more difficult than I thought.

“Jo—Dr. Sullivan?”

I whipped my head around and put my surprised face on. “Ms. Sims? What a pleasant surprise. I was on my way to my office after grabbing a Coke.”

She smirked and folded her arms, and I knew she didn’t believe me. “Oh really?”

“Yes, really.” I chuckled nervously under her questioning glare.

“Then where is your Coke, Dr. Sullivan?”

Fuck. I headed back to the vending machine, scolding myself for the inability to make anything look casual. This is why you don’t date, I reminded myself as I grabbed the pop from the bottom and held it up for her to see.

She suppressed a giggle with her hand and covered her sweet mouth I craved a taste of. I got a good look at her. I was thankful no one was in the waiting room. She wore the yellow sun dress I had taken off her a mere three weeks ago, and my hands ached to unzip the back of it again. She noticed the way I studied her and blushed under my lustful gaze.

“Found it,” I declared as I returned to her. Together, we walked away from the reception desk and out the door leading to the parking lot, and away from any lingering eyes. “I was on my way for a stroll on my lunch break. Care to join me?” I offered.

“Josh, what were you really doing in outpatient services?” she asked once we were under the cloudless California sky and a gentle breeze pushed at her dress. Her ponytail exposed her neck to me—the neck I had kissed—distracting me more than a little.

I held my hands up in defeat. “You caught me. I was actually hoping to surprise you. I wanted to see you, Fiona,” I admitted and held out my arm for her to take. I caught the hesitation in her movement before she looped her arm around mine and we made the slow trek down the sidewalk. Silence loomed over us for a few moments, before I gathered the courage to speak thought I hoped she would tell me about her ER visit, I knew things needed to be said before that. “I’m here because I wanted to apologize in person.”

She stopped walking and glanced up at me. “Josh, I…”

“Please, before you say anything, I know you probably didn’t get a chance to read my text. I saw the ER notes this morning when I got back into the office. You had a panic attack and Lisa brought you back in,” I stated and she dropped my gaze. “Do you want to talk about?” I asked before I went on.

She shook her head and I dropped the subject, and continued to lead us across the street and into the veil of Golden Gate Park with bikers, runners, and dog walkers among us. I was betting on a calmer setting to get her to open up because once the hospital was out of sight, the tension lifted, at least for me.

I directed us towards a nearby park bench where we sat down side by side. When she rested her head on my shoulder, for once in my life, I felt like a regular person on a regular date. No lab coat, or someone paging me. No “Dr.” or “Doc.” No rushing to the emergency room with files under my arm. Just Joshua Sullivan, twenty-nine years old, holding the hand of Fiona Sims, the most attractive woman I had ever had the pleasure of spending time with.

I basked in my own feelings and sighed.

“You okay?” she asked, and I rested my head on hers, wondering if I should keep the subject light.

“Just enjoying being a regular person for once. Life is so much easier when you aren’t putting out multiple fires a day. It’s nice to not have to worry about anyone but myself for a moment,” I explained and noticed her body tensed.

There it was. Another red flag. The psychiatrist came out in an instant. The need to talk was there.

“Fiona, about the other night—I want you to know why I wasn’t the one who saw you. My brother in law had a tumble down the stairs while my nieces were asleep and so my sister needed me to come stay with them while she took him to the hospital, since I’m the closest to her. She didn’t want to wake them up so I dashed out of here to help her out. Otherwise,” I placed my hand on the top of her thigh, “I would have been the one to see you.”

She remained silent, yet didn’t move her thigh away from my thigh so I took it as I good sign and added, “I want you to know that you’ve been on my mind day and night Fiona, and I’ve been looking forward to our session together.”

She continued to remain still next to me prompting me to study her and that’s when I took note of the overuse of makeup—her attempt to cover the dark circles and the exhaustion on her face. I tried to keep my thoughts tamed and waited for her response, but all she did was continue to stare straight ahead. Her feet kicked out like a little girl sitting on a counter too high for her.

“Tell me something, Josh. What does it feel like to be normal?” she asked, and turned the conversation completely back on me. I wasn’t surprised by it and figured I should take the bait and laced my fingers through hers.

“Well, for starters, being able to hold your hand is quite nice. Sitting outside without a care in the world is quite nice, too. Just being here with you feels incredible. It makes me want to be a kid again with no responsibilities,” I honestly explained as I squeezed her hand, hoping to get her to look at me, to let me know I wasn’t alone in this.

When she did, I frowned when I saw the tears form in the corners of her pretty eyes.

“Hey, did I say something wrong?” I reached out to wipe them away. She jerked away from me, her shoulder scrunched up in defense as she turned her back to me. Her fingers slid away from mine.

“No, not at all. Actually, I think you just resolved my issue,” she said. Her voice was raw with emotion, and she suddenly stood up and wiped her own tears away.

“Fiona, what issue? The panic attack? Or me not calling? Look, I said I was sorry. I thought it would be best for us to—”

“There’s no need to explain. It’s none of that. I understand why you did what you did. I’m s-sorry, I shouldn’t have come out here with you. Please forget what I said. As a matter of fact, forget we ran into each other today, okay?”

Her voice was clipped and broken as if she tried so hard to keep her guard in place in front of me. I stood up behind her and put my hands on her shoulders. She didn’t jerk away, but her fists clenched in response.

“I’m terribly sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. That was not my intention by all means. I just… I wanted to see you and make sure you were okay. I was very concerned about you—”

She turned abruptly and knocked my hands off her shoulders. Hurt flashed in her blue eyes. “I didn’t ask for you to worry about me, did I? I have an appointment with you tomorrow, now, thanks to you bumping it up from Monday. Couldn’t you have waited two more damn days? God, I’m beginning to think you’re obsessed with me,” she spat, and I winced, taking a step back from her sharp tongue before she lashed out more. “Forget I was here, okay? I’ll see you tomorrow in your office, and no funny business,” She turned sharply on her heel and left with a huff.

I stood there like a defeated man and watched her storm off. I wanted to follow her, but my feet wouldn’t budge. I knew better than to take any of her speech to heart, though it was hard not to when I was so in love with her. Something wasn’t right. She was shielding herself from me for a reason, and I needed to know why. Regardless of what it took, or if she would end up resenting me for it, I needed to know what happened to the Fiona Sims I had fallen in love with.