I couldn’t do it. No matter how many drafts I typed or how many times I had re-worded and reorganized my sentences to make sure it all came out right, I still couldn’t muster up the courage to hit the little ‘send’ button. Instead, I threw my phone down in frustration and watched it bounce off the rug and under my bed. Great, just great. Lisa would murder me if I didn’t tell him. I had already procrastinated an entire day and she was so far up my ass about it, she even stayed home tonight to make sure I did the deed.

She was quite annoying about it, but she was right. I needed to tell him I was indeed pregnant. It was the right thing to do, especially since I wasn’t sure what to do myself. I was too young to raise a child on my own. Abortion was never an option in my mind, yet adoption was an option I would consider if need be. I didn’t feel right making any of those choices without him though. We’d made the life that was growing inside of me together, so we needed to deal with it together. Regardless of the fight we’d had. I would let it go for the sake of the more pressing matter in my uterus. Yet I couldn’t predict how Josh would react and it was setting off all kinds of alarms in my head.

I closed my eyes for the umpteenth time, attempting to get some sleep. No matter what I did, I couldn’t stop thinking about how my parents would feel if they knew their little girl was knocked up without a plan. That thought led to another about how none of my future children would ever have the opportunity to meet their Grandma and Grandpa Sims. The worst was that my parents never got the chance to be grandparents.

More and more toxic thoughts leaked behind my forced closed eyes, and it took everything I had in me not to cry. Eventually, I stumbled into unconsciousness, only to wake from a sudden sensation in my chest, quick and fluttering madly against my ribcage. My heart felt like it had gone into a frenzy. Suddenly, I felt like I couldn’t breathe and tumbled out of bed. I tried to scream for Lisa, but it came out more like hoarse cries so I banged my fists on the ground.

I heard the swiftness of feet across our floorboards and then was face to face with pink monkey socks. I could hear Lisa’s voice but it sounded so far away, like I was underwater and couldn’t respond without drowning. The air around was being taken away from me, and I gasped for oxygen. Everything felt too close for comfort.

This wasn’t like my normal attacks. I knew what triggered them. This was a panic attack, and I didn’t have a staff of nurses surrounding me with Ativan on hand. My phone’s screen lit up from under my bed, like a beacon of hope, and I reached for it desperately.

Lisa noticed what I was doing and got down on all fours and yanked my phone from under the bed. It was a text from Josh, but it wasn’t why I was reaching. She must have realized it too because the next thing I knew, I heard her panicked words.

“Come…hurry…panic attack…address is…”

Then my world went black for the second time in my life.

* * *

The sound of beeping machines and people’s words floated by my head and woke me up. I peeked an eye open, the familiar squares of a dropped ceiling coming into focus. I was back in the UCSF emergency room, the same place I woke up after my suicide attempt and the same place where I met…

“Miss Sims, long time no see. Guess you must have missed us after all.”

My eyes slit opened and I could make out the outline of one of ER nurses who was there the first time I came through the double doors. I managed a weak smile knowing she was trying to make light of the situation when I heard a familiar voice chirp next to me.

“Fuck, am I glad to see you’re alive.”

I gingerly shifted my attention to Lisa who was sitting next to my hospital bed and felt her hand squeeze mine. I squeezed back and relief washed over her features; I could tell she was trying to be tough for both of us.

“What happened?” My voice cracked and croaked as it came out and the nurse handed me a cup of ice chips.

“You had a major panic attack, Miss Sims and we had to sedate you to get your body back into a relaxed state. You’ve been sleeping for some time now so take it easy, a doctor will be in momentarily to see you after the blood work comes back, for now hang tight,” she explained calmly and hit a few buttons on the beeping machine next to me before leaving the room before I could even ask if Josh would be the doctor I’d be seeing. I was hoping so at least.

“Hey, you feeling any better?” My attention was back on my best friend who was rubbing the top of my hand with her thumb. She was never this affectionate.

“Jeez, Lisa I must have really scared you,” I squeezed her thumb, still she didn’t budge.

“Yeah ya did. I thought it was round two of what I found in the bathroom, I mean for fuck sake’s Fiona, you were on the floor, hyperventilating, what else was I gonna think?”

“Well, thank you. You’ve managed to save me in the nick of time once again and I’m not sure how I’ll ever repay,” I replied, my heart warmed with her concerns.

“Oh, I can think of some ways of how you can pay me back.” We both laughed, the silent promise of helping her out of any drunk situation between us now when there was a knock on the sliding door beyond the curtain sobering both of us up. My heart skipped when I made out the shape of a slim man making his way into the room.

Josh.

“Good evening, Miss Sims, glad to see you are awake,” the sight of a younger doctor with blond, clipped hair and a golden tan across his facial features, adorned in blue scrubs, disappointed me more than I led on to believe as he went to the sink to scrub his hands and slap on a pair of latex gloves. Lisa and I shared a look and I knew she also shared my feelings when she was the first one to speak up.

“And you are?” she clicked her tongue, a piece of bubble gum in her mouth popping.

“Ah yes, I believe you were out for a smoke when I came in earlier. Forgive me for not introducing myself sooner but the name is Dr. Ryans. I’m a psych resident here at the hospital and just your luck, I happen to be on call tonight,” he explained but his light-hearted words didn’t reach me.

“Where is Dr. Sullivan?” I blurted out before I could stop myself and startled both of them. I shrank back into my bed and added, “He’s my psychiatrist so I was just wondering.” My voice lost its confidence in those words as he looked at my chart.

“Well, Dr. Sullivan just left due to a family emergency. But fear not, he will be alerted of your stay here tonight and you can follow up with me. Now I’m going to check your eyes, okay?”

He flashed a light into my eyes and I tried not to squirm under his unfamiliar gaze. His words didn’t soothe me and neither did his appearance. I wanted Josh and was concerned as to why he had left. Was his sister alright? Did something happen to the girls? Dr. Ryans scribbled into my chart, clicking his pen away and then stopped.

“Well, your body isn’t showing any signs of further distress meaning the Ativan worked to calm your attack, but what I would like to know before I go into your blood work is what exactly you were doing before the attack occurred.” He was back to writing and I was thankful he wasn’t looking my way as I twisted the sheets around my fingers nervously. Even Lisa didn’t know what I was doing before the attack.

“Well I was just lying in bed, thinking about my parents,” I quietly explained and felt Lisa squeeze my hand once more.

“Her parents were recently killed and she’s been having a hard time with it,” Lisa explained for me, taking over the reins when I couldn’t properly steer.

That made Dr. Ryan peek up at us and drop his pen down to his side. “I’m truly sorry to hear that, Miss Sims. I can understand why you would be having such a hard time then. I can see from your chart that you don’t have a history of panic attacks so this was a first for you, am I correct?”

I nodded my head weakly yet I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, the familiar lump of reality hitting me square in the chest at Lisa’s words.

“Well, I think your friend bringing you here was the right decision then, especially if you didn’t know what was happening to yourself. Now that we have you stable, I would like to go over your blood work for you and conduct a urinalysis before we let you go. But first I must ask a very important question here.” His seriousness concerned me so I peeked back up at him, a frown on my face.

“In regards to your blood work, there is an indication that you are pregnant. Were you aware of that?”

I gulped down the shaky feeling that was coming up but I could do nothing about the tears streaming down my face as I nodded.

“Yes,” I croaked out and his face showed his attempt at grasping the whole picture.

“Have you seen your doctor to confirm then?”

I shook my head and he brought the pen back up to scribble some more.

“Okay then, I would like to prescribe some pre-natal vitamins and urge you to go see your doctor immediately along with an ultrasound appointment to see how far along you are, if you haven’t already done so. Since we were able to stop your attack right away, the fetus should be okay, but I would like you to follow up with your doctor to keep an eye on it, okay?”

“Okay,” I got out, a little firmer this time before adding, “Will this be recorded in my hospital chart?”

“The lab results and what we have discussed will be, yes. Is there information you do not want disclosed?”

I glanced over at Lisa who was giving me a knowing look. This was not how I wanted Josh to find out, yet at the same time, I couldn’t act out too much on my fears or Dr. Ryans would get suspicious. So I put on a sad smile and said, “It’s just that Dr. Sullivan doesn’t know and I would like to tell him when I’m ready so that way we can continue focusing on my psychological health especially after this attack. I’m concerned there will be more and it will be bad for the baby.” I placed my hand on my still very flat tummy and hoped my innocent little act was working.

Dr. Ryans didn’t miss a beat and started scribbling right away. “Of course, all I need is for you to sign some patient disclosure paperwork and your chart will simply say you have chosen not to disclose this information. Sound good?”

I nodded and offered Dr. Ryans a real smile for once. “Thank you so much. So should I pee in a cup now or later?”