CHAPTER TEN - EMILY
It was Tommy’s idea to go to dinner on Monday night. He said we needed to celebrate my return and that we should go to the best restaurant in town. I was flattered by his insistence, but one look at Sean told me he didn’t feel the same way.
Ever since our kiss the other night, he’d barely spoken two words to me. I didn’t know what to do or say. After Sarah interrupted us, I was afraid of being caught so I just went to bed, thinking Sean and I would talk in the morning. We didn’t.
All day Sunday and most of Monday was spent in silence. I talked to the kids. We played games, and I cooked them meals. I put them to bed on Sunday night, and when I went downstairs, Sean was already locked away in his room. I thought about knocking on the door, but I resisted the urge, knowing he would talk to me when he was ready.
Still, it was hard not knowing how he felt. We kissed, and now it may as well have never happened. From the way Sean was acting, I couldn’t help but think he wished it hadn’t.
I tried to tell Tommy a celebratory dinner wasn’t necessary, but he dug his heels in, the way only a seven-year-old can. Eventually, Sean stepped in and said it was a great idea.
“There’s a nice Italian place I wanted to try,” he said. “Have you been?”
“Riggazzonis?” I asked.
“I think so.” Sean nodded.
“It’s wonderful,” I said.
“Perfect!” Tommy said with excitement. “That’s where we’ll go then.”
Tommy was bouncing up and down with excitement as we left the house, but both Sarah and Sean were quiet. I looked from one to the other, wondering if Sarah saw more that night than I thought she had. I couldn’t imagine she did. She was at the top of the stairs, and we were on the couch. It wasn’t possible for her to know, was it?
I remained preoccupied all through dinner. The kids both ate most of their food, but Sarah didn’t talk much during dinner. Tommy was chattier than ever. I loved how much he was opening up to me and coming out of his shell, but I couldn’t keep my attention on him. My eyes kept returning to Sarah’s face. I worried about her, but I didn’t know how to ask her what was wrong.
Sean ordered dessert for everyone. When it arrived, he raised his glass, and we all followed his lead.
“To Emily,” he said formally.
“To Emily!” Tommy said.
“Thank you,” I said softly, taking a sip of my water.
Sean’s toast was nice but seemed obligatory. He barely met my eye when he said the words, and he immediately looked away after. I didn’t know what was going on with him. How could he kiss me and then treat me this way? How could we go from making out on the couch to ignoring each other?
It didn’t make sense, and I was tired of the confusion. I wanted to demand answers right there at the dinner table, but I knew that would be a mistake. Besides, Sarah’s face was still turned down in an obvious frown, and she hadn’t so much as touched her chocolate cake.
“Aren’t you hungry?” I asked her softly.
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “I have to go to the bathroom.”
“Okay.” I took her hand and led her to the back of the restaurant.
We slipped inside the bathroom, and Sarah quickly disappeared in the first stall. I waited for her right outside, but after five minutes, I was worried.
“Are you okay?” I asked through the stall door.
Sarah sniffed and I pressed my ear closer to the door. It sounded like she was crying, but I couldn’t be sure.
“Sarah,” I said. “Sweetie, why don’t you come on out?”
“I can’t,” she said. Her voice broke, and she sniffed again.
“Come out,” I said gently. “You can tell me what’s wrong. Maybe we can fix it together.”
Sarah slowly unlocked the stall door and stepped out. She looked at me with tears running down her little face. In that moment, she didn’t look five years old. She looked not a day older than two or three. She was just a baby, a little girl who didn’t have a mommy to turn to when she was sad.
The sight of her like that made my heart ache. I reached out for her and she walked straight into my arms, burying her face in my shoulder.
While she cried, I held her tightly, smoothing my hand down her back. Her tears were soaking into my shirt, but I didn’t care. I would have held her all night if it meant she might feel a little better.
When she finally stopped crying enough to sit up, she pulled away from me and wiped her eyes. I grabbed her a tissue off the counter, and she blew her nose. When she was calm enough, I took her tiny hands in my mine, and she lifted her face to meet my eyes.
“What’s the matter, Sarah?” I asked. “Why are you so sad?”
“I’m scared,” she said, her voice weak.
“Of what?” I asked.
“I really like you, Emily,” she said. “But I don’t want you to be my mommy. Even though my mommy died, I still love her a lot.”
“Oh, sweetie,” I said, my heart breaking in my chest. “Come here.”
I hugged her again and held her close for a few seconds. When I pulled away, I smiled at her and moved her hair off her tear-soaked face.
“I would never try to take your mommy’s place,” I said. “Not ever.”
“Really?” Sarah asked.
“You will only ever have one mommy,” I said. “Her memory is something you’ll always have. You’ll carry it with you forever in your heart. No one, not me or anyone else, can ever take that away from you. I would never want to, sweetie. I promise.”
“Does my daddy want you to?” Sarah asked. “Is that why he asked you to come take care of us?”
“No,” I said firmly. “He just needed some extra help. He wouldn’t let anyone take your mommy’s place, not even me. I promise.”
“He wouldn’t?” Sarah asked.
“Never.”
She nodded and wiped her cheeks with her little hands. I waited to see if she had any more questions or wanted to say anything else. I knew Sean would be worried about us. We’d been in the bathroom a long time, and I was sure he saw how upset Sarah was at the table. I knew we should get back soon, but I didn’t want to rush Sarah. It took a lot for her to tell me her fears like this, and I wanted to make sure she was really okay before we went back to the table.
“I’m glad you’re here,” Sarah said. “My daddy is happier when you’re around.”
I blinked. Sarah’s words were nice but also confusing. From what I could tell, Sean was just as distant and cold as ever. If anything, he’d grown colder over the past few days. Still, Sarah seemed certain of her words.
“I’m glad I’m here too,” I said. “You ready to go back out?”
She nodded and I took her hand. We left the bathroom and walked slowly toward the table. When we came into view, Sean’s head snapped up, and he looked from me to Sarah and then back again. I knew he saw the redness of Sarah’s eyes and cheeks, but he didn’t say anything when we sat down. He just looked at me nervously.
“She’s okay,” I whispered so only he could hear. “Just needed a little girl talk, that’s all.”
Sean didn’t look convinced, but he nodded and turned his attention to the kids. Sarah finally ate her cake, giggling through each mouthful. Her fears had melted away and she was her old self again. I was glad I’d been able to help.
We finished our dessert, and Sean paid the bill. I thanked him for dinner, but he just grunted and didn’t look at me. I frowned and sat back in my chair, determined not to say anything to him around the kids. I couldn’t handle the tension between us anymore, though. I knew it was time to find out what was going on with him.
After dinner, we all piled back into Sean’s car and headed home. The kids were both exhausted so we skipped their baths for the night, and I helped them brush their teeth. They put on their pajamas and climbed into bed. I tucked them both in and went downstairs so Sean could say good night to them alone.
I thought about going to bed, but I was still determined to talk to Sean. His cold and distant behavior was becoming too much to take. He kissed me. I kissed him back. We shared an intimate moment that was both intense and passionate. It wasn’t something either of us could or should ignore. I didn’t know what was going on with him, but I had to find out. I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I did. If he didn’t want me, fine, but I needed him to tell me that to quiet the confusion in my mind.
When Sean came back downstairs, I was standing in the living room. He walked right past me, not seeing me until I cleared my throat. He paused for a fraction of a second on his way to the kitchen. His eyes met mine, but then he turned away without a word. He walked into the kitchen and pulled a water bottle from the fridge. As he turned back toward the living room, I took a step forward and cleared my throat again.
I expected him to stop or at least look at me, but he did neither. Instead, he just marched straight forward. He walked down the hallway and disappeared behind his bedroom door, pulling it closed behind him with a loud snap. I stared after him in shock.
It was one thing for him to be distant with me, but it was another for him to ignore me entirely. With anger coursing through my veins, I marched down the hallway and planted myself outside his door. I raised my fist to knock, but suddenly, all the determination drained from my body. I held my hand in front of the door, raised and ready to knock, but I never let it connect. Instead, I sighed and turned back around. What if he did tell me it was a mistake and he didn’t want me? I didn’t know how I would react and I didn’t really want to find out right now.
Just as I was about to turn around and head back down the hall, Sean’s bedroom door flew open. The look of shock on his face to find me standing there quickly turned to one of need. Without a word, he pressed me against the wall and crushed his lips to mine. An involuntary moan escaped my lips and he pressed even closer.
I wound my arms around his neck as I felt the hard length of him pressed against my thigh. Good God, how good would it feel to have that thing deep inside me? Our kiss was insistent, searching, and scorching. By the time Sean pulled away to come up for air, my panties were soaked.
I opened my mouth to say something, but the look on his face made me stop. Though he was usually unreadable, this time I could actually see the conflict written all over his handsome features. He was clearly internally at war with himself.
“Sean—”
“No,” he shook his head vehemently. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”
And with that he shut himself away in his room, leaving me to stand there in the hall wondering what the fuck had just happened. My head was spinning, not only from the incredible kiss, but from the quickness with which he jumped from one emotion to the next. I scrubbed my hand over my face and padded upstairs to my room.
My body was alive with energy, and I knew I wouldn’t sleep for hours, but I still stripped down and pulled on my pajamas. Climbing into bed, I thought again about going back to Sean’s room. I imagined pounding on the door until he opened it and let me inside. I wouldn’t give up until he finally faced me, until he finally told me what was going on. The idea was a good one, but I knew I couldn’t do it. If the kids heard me knocking or if they woke up during our conversation, that would only end badly.
Rolling onto my side, I squeezed my eyes closed and tried to force myself to sleep. It was no use. Throughout the entire night, sleep evaded me. My mind shifted between anger and despair as I thought about Sean and everything that happened between us lately. I pictured him lying in bed, doing the same thing I was.
I wondered if he was just as upset, unable to sleep because his thoughts were too full of me. With a groan, I pushed that hope away and tried again to fall asleep. By the time my eyes fell shut for good, the sun was already beginning to rise.