CHAPTER THREE- SEAN
Five days into our new life in Colorado and I was already exhausted. Though I reminded myself that I had no time or desire to make friends here, my self-imposed isolation was beginning to close in around me. It was Monday morning, and I could barely get through breakfast without losing my mind. Tommy and Sarah were fighting at the table and neither would eat a bite of their food. With a sigh, I walked over to join them.
“Enough,” I said firmly while Sarah continued to yell in Tommy’s ear. “Eat. Now.”
“I’m not really hungry,” Tommy said.
“It’s pancakes,” I said. “It’s the one thing I can actually cook. Come on, eat. Would you?”
Tommy sighed and finally poured syrup over his pancakes. He dug in and ate slowly, quiet for the first time all morning. When I looked at Sarah though, she was glaring at her plate.
“Sarah,” I said softly. “Come on.”
“They smell like poop,” she said.
“They do not,” I said. “That’s not nice. Just eat.”
“No.” Sarah looked at me with the same challenging look I’d seen a hundred times since the move. She, more than her brother, hated leaving California. I knew it was the memories of Telissa she missed the most, but there wasn’t anything I could do about that. The more helpless I felt, the angrier I became.
“Fine,” I said. “Don’t eat. Starve.”
With that, I stood up and took her plate. I dumped her pancakes in the trashcan and put her plate in the sink. When I looked back at her, she was staring at me with her mouth wide open. I just stared back.
If she wanted to challenge me, that was fine. I could challenge her right back. After all, a five-year-old couldn’t throw anything at me that I couldn’t handle.
“He threw away my food!” she said to Tommy.
Tommy shrugged and took another bite of his pancakes. Sarah stared at him and waited for him to speak. When he didn’t, she huffed and stormed upstairs to her room. Tommy giggled and turned to face me.
“What are you going to do now?” he asked.
“Wait until lunch,” I said. “I bet you anything she’ll eat without a complaint.”
Tommy laughed again and nodded. I smiled and started doing the dishes. Sometimes, it felt impossible to go up against Sarah. She was so much like her mother, strong-willed and full of fire. I couldn’t look at her without seeing Telissa staring back at me. Most days, it was a comfort, but others, it was a real obstacle. Telissa was always great with the children. She knew how to handle the tantrums better than I ever did. I was always the busy career focused father. Admittedly, I put more time than I should have on my career. I was paying for those sins now. Inside, I knew it was a shortfall in my relationship with Telissa. She didn’t get the attention she deserved and sought it elsewhere. I was a damned fool not to see it coming. It was my fault.
As the day drug on, the kids continued to fight nonstop. Sarah finally ate at lunchtime, but she decided to do so while kicking her brother’s chair under the table. By the time they were finished, Tommy was so angry he was almost in tears.
He marched upstairs and threw Sarah’s favorite teddy bear out the window. The bloodcurdling scream she unleashed made me think she was dying. I flew upstairs, only to find her and Tommy standing in front of the open window, glaring at each other.
I knew then that I wasn’t going to survive the summer without help. I had planned our move for the week after school let out. It was barely June now. I had three months left before I could ship the kids off to school and get a little peace and quiet. Just the idea of being locked in the house with them for three full months was enough to drive me insane.
After I finally got them both calmed down, there was a knock on the front door. I groaned and hurried to answer it, hoping it wasn’t some nosey neighbor coming to try and drum up a conversation. I wasn’t in the mood. When I opened the door, I was almost relieved to see it was just Mrs. Johnston.
“I brought you some brownies,” she said with a smile.
Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t help but smile back. “Thank you. Please, come on in.”
She stepped over the threshold and made her way back to the kitchen. Mrs. Johnston had already stopped by twice since we moved in, and each time, she brought over a different baked good. I was really starting to warm to her, as much as it wasn’t in my nature.
“Kids!” I yelled. “Mrs. Johnston’s here!”
Tommy and Sarah came bounding down the stairs and into the kitchen. They each hugged Mrs. Johnston and quickly helped themselves to a brownie. It was amazing how quickly they could go from absolute terrors to perfectly behaved in a matter of minutes. I knew it was only because Mrs. Johnston was here, but I didn’t care. I welcomed the silence, either way.
“Would you like one?” Mrs. Johnston asked, already pulling one out of the pan for me.
“Thank you.” I said. “You didn’t have to do this.”
“Baking is my hobby.” She shrugged. “It keeps me young.”
I nodded and ate my brownie in silence. Mrs. Johnston stood in the kitchen with me, just watching over me and the kids. Ever since we met her, I got the sense that she needed a family to look after.
“How are things going?” she asked, her eyes locked on my face.
“Fine.” It was a lie, and she knew it. Her eyes narrowed, and she waited for me to correct my answer. I sighed and said, “I’m going insane. I’ve been thinking that I need to get some help in here, at least for the summer.”
“That’s a good idea.” She nodded and glanced at the kids.
“I don’t know,” I said, my voice rough. “Part of me thinks I should be able to handle it. They are my kids, after all.”
“They are,” she said, nodding again. “But everyone needs help from time to time. There’s no shame in that.”
Her words and her eyes were too understanding. I looked away, suddenly uncomfortable by how much I’d opened up to someone I’d only just met. One year of shutting myself away from the world could do that.
“I know a girl,” she said. “Emily Ward. She lives in town, and she’s a darling with children. I could give you her number, if you’d like?”
She looked around the house and then slowly back at me. She had a warm look on her face, but I could tell she had something brewing in her mind. “It would be nice to have a woman around the home – I mean for the children of course.”
“Sure.” I shrugged, not quite sure what she meant. I didn’t want to seem too eager, but was secretly relieved at the prospect of getting some help with the kids.
Mrs. Johnston smiled knowingly and grabbed the pad of paper from the kitchen counter. She scrawled Emily’s number on the top page and then turned back to me. She patted me on the shoulder and went to say goodbye to the kids. They both hugged her and thanked her for the brownies. She beamed at them and then left.
I watched her disappear through the front door with an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Mrs. Johnston was kind and generous, but she was already too comfortable around us. Since Telissa’s death I’d kept everyone at arm’s length, and I liked it that way. If no one got too close, then no one could hurt me or my kids again. It wasn’t a realistic plan, but it was one that had worked for me so far.
The kids finished their brownies and then immediately started fighting over which movie to watch. I groaned and ran my hand over my face. Whatever I felt about Mrs. Johnston didn’t matter. I needed help before I lost my ever-loving shit on my kids. That was the last thing I wanted. I’d managed to keep myself together so far. I wasn’t going to screw it up now.
Before I could change my mind, I picked up the phone. I dialed Emily’s number and put the phone to my ear. It rang three times before she picked up.
“Hello?” she said, her voice older than I expected.
“Hi,” I said. “My name is Sean Evans, and I’m new in town. My neighbor, Mrs. Johnston, thought you might be able to help me out with child care?”
“Oh!” she said. “What exactly do you need?”
“A nanny,” I said quickly. “At least for the summer.”
“How many kids?” she asked, her voice falling into a professional rhythm.
“Two,” I said. “My son is seven and my daughter is five.”
“I see,” she said. “When are you looking for someone to start?”
“Yesterday,” I said seriously.
She laughed, and my stomach clenched. Her laugh, along with her voice, sounded nice. When Mrs. Johnston said she knew “a girl,” I thought she meant a teenager, maybe someone in college. Emily sounded like an adult. I was immediately uneasy.
“Well I’ll have some more questions, if that’s all right.” she asked. “I can bring in my résumé and references. I have a degree in child development from—”
“That sounds great,” I said quickly. “I’m sure you’re more than qualified.”
“Wonderful,” she said, and I could hear the smile in her voice. “What’s your address?”
I gave her the address, and she promised to be over by eight the next morning. I thanked her and we hung up. My heart beat slightly faster than normal. Her voice had been sure and sexy.
I shook my head and forced the thoughts away. Even if she was hot, she was going to be my kids’ nanny. Nothing could happen between us, I wouldn’t allow it. The rest of the day dragged on endlessly. I fed the kids dinner and put them in front of a movie, which they bickered their way through. By the time bedtime rolled around, I was more than ready to be alone for a few hours.
I tucked Tommy in, then went across the hall to do the same for Sarah, but she wasn’t in bed. With a frown, I searched the house for her. Just when I was beginning to worry, I found her asleep in my bed. She was clutching the picture of Telissa I kept on my nightstand.
I sighed and made my way over to her. The last thing I wanted to do was disturb her sleep, but I couldn’t let her get in the habit of sleeping in my bed. When she was a toddler, she would only sleep sandwiched between Telissa and me. When Telissa was in the hospital, it was impossible to get Sarah down without hours of tears. I didn’t want to start that process all over again.
Carefully, I lifted her out of the bed and carried her to her room. She was still holding tight to the picture of her mom. My heart felt heavy at the sight of her precious little fingers holding the photo. I thought about pulling it from her grasp, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. She needed it more than I did.
I kissed her forehead and then tiptoed out of the room, grateful to finally be alone in a quiet house. As I made my way downstairs, my mind turned once again to thoughts of Emily. Her voice was so enticing. I could have sat on the phone with her for hours, just listening to the rise and fall of her words. As I remembered our conversation, I felt that same tug in my stomach from before, and I quickly pushed it away.
Sinking down on the couch, I sighed and shook my head. There was no use daydreaming about Emily or her voice. No matter how sexy she sounded or even how sexy she might look, I couldn’t date again. I had thought that Telissa was the love of my life, but then she broke my heart and left us. All of it fucked me up on so many levels.
After everything I’d been through, I didn’t have it in me to let someone else in. I wasn’t sure I ever would or could.
My back slowly relaxed into the couch, and my eyes began to droop. I thought about dragging myself upstairs, but I was too comfortable to move. My mind was still racing as I flashed between what I imagined Emily to look like and my memoires of Telissa. Just picturing my wife’s face was enough to make me forget about Emily completely. Emily’s voice had piqued my interest, but one thing would always be true: she wasn’t Telissa.
I finally fell asleep, with thoughts of my wife floating through my mind. I didn’t know if I would ever move on or let go of her memory, but I did know that dating just wasn’t in the cards. Not for me. Not yet. Not for a very long time.