CHAPTER THREE
MARCUS
“I don't want my issues affecting my kids,” I said, staring down at my hands as I spoke to the therapist sitting across from me. “I know I don't spend enough time with them as it is. And I know that when I do, it's almost always dropping them in front of the television while I work on my laptop. Gina wouldn't have wanted our kids to be raised that way, but I don't know what else to do. Being a single parent isn't all that simple.”
“What about making time just for the three of you?” Dr. Miller asked. “An activity outside the house that all three of you could enjoy together?”
“Like what?” I asked, scratching my chin.
“You're an athletic person, what about an outdoor activity you could do and stay active together?
Raising an eyebrow, I stared at Dr. Miller, trying to come up with something we could do. “What, maybe something like hiking?” I asked.
“Yes, like hiking,” he replied. “But instead, make it something with a specific time and date, so it's on your schedule. Not just when you get time for it, because we both know, you'll never find time for it otherwise. You need to schedule these things.”
I'd been seeing Dr. Harold Miller since Gina passed away. We'd worked through my survivor's guilt and everything tied to it. It was years later and I couldn't believe I still needed help. I hated to admit that to anyone, but my depression never went away. If it weren't for my children, I very likely would have given up long ago. But I knew they deserved better than a father who'd given up on life – and by extension, gave up on them.
Some days were easier than others, though. And even still, there were days I had to fight to keep my spirits up and nose clean. But every day was worth it when I stared back at my two little babies, the children I'd fathered with Gina. I'd had to learn to accept that she was gone, but was still trying to learn that she lived on through them.
“Why don't you try surfing lessons?” he suggested. “Given that you live in a beach environment it couldn't hurt to get the kids on the water early, help teach them safety and all that. And it would be fun for all three of you.”
“I've never surfed before. ”
“That's the point,” Dr. Miller said. “You will be learning right alongside them. You'll all start off on the same footing and have some fun with it.”
“I don't know,” I said.
Zoey had shown an interest in body boarding whenever we went to the beach, and she loved the water. Zack was less enthusiastic about the water, but perhaps this could be a way to help him overcome his fear. I thought that maybe with repeated exposure that slowly, but surely, he could gain confidence on the water and learn to love it.
“Well, you can pick something else, of course” he said. “Just pick something, and stick to it. Do something as a family that doesn't involve work; something that is purely for fun and enjoyment.”
He was right there. I needed to stop focusing so much on my career as much as I did. After Gina's death, I'd thrown myself completely into my job to the near exclusion of anything else. I rationalized it as needing to earn a living to provide for the kids, but deep down, I knew that wasn't fair to them. It gave us a comfortable life, one that came with a lot of perks and privileges, but I knew my children needed their father to be present and attentive more than they needed things.
“And not to change the subject or anything,” Dr. Miller said, “but how's the dating life going?”
We'd talked in recent sessions about how I needed to start dating again. Dr. Miller thought I was ready to venture out into that world, but I disagreed. He'd somehow talked me into putting myself out there though. I wasn't sure how he'd gotten me to agree, but he had. I'd done as he'd asked though, but hadn't taken to it all that enthusiastically.
“I had one date last week. Melinda, was her name,” I said. “She seemed nice when we chatted online.”
“But?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.
“But when we met up in person, she drank a lot,” I said. “More than I was comfortable with.”
“How much is a lot?”
“Three, four cocktails maybe?”
“Maybe she was nervous?” he suggested. “It was a first date after all.”
“I just couldn't deal with it,” I said, shaking my head.
“Fair enough. I understand,” Dr. Miller said. “Anyone else?”
“Where do I begin?” I laughed, rubbing my temples. “I've been on a few dates over the last few months, and not a single one has worked out for me. None of them were good enough to introduce to my children.”
“Stop thinking about introducing them to your children for now. That should be the furthest thing from your mind this early on. Try focusing on yourself and just date them,” he said. “No one says you have to get married right away, Marcus. You're not holding auditions for a mom to replace Gina. That's not what this is about. This is about having fun and connecting with another adult.”
I shrugged. “I'm just not finding anyone I connect with,” I said.
“Because none of them live up to Gina?” he asked.
“That's part of it. Gina was something special,” I said. “She was truly my soul mate, and I don't even believe in that shit. But we had something special, something I'm not finding with anyone else.”
Dr. Miller nodded. “You'll never replace Gina,” he said. “Never in a million years. And I wouldn't encourage it even if you could. You shared something special with her that can't ever be duplicated. But that doesn't mean you can't find something equally as special in its own right. And just because she's gone doesn't mean you have to live the rest of your life alone. She wouldn't have wanted that, Marcus. Gina would have wanted you to be happy.”
His platitudes were the same I'd heard from almost everybody since the day I'd lost her. I was almost sick to death of being told she'd want me to be happy. Yes, she would have. I wasn't denying that. But she also wouldn't want just anyone raising our children. I had a right – an obligation, really – to be picky. It wasn't just about me, it was about those two precious kids who deserved a stepmother who loved and cared for them as deeply as a mother would.
They needed someone they could love in return.
No one I'd met off these internet dating sites to that point, had come close to living up to that standard. Sure, I had my pick of women. Being a financially well-off and reasonably attractive man, I received countless messages from women expressing their interest in me. I knew I could go to a bar and pick up any beautiful woman I wanted, but I didn't want that.
I wanted someone who met my standards.
“I'll keep looking,” I said with a shrug. “But as you know, I can't force a connection if there's nothing there.”
“That's very true,” Dr. Miller said. “All I want you to do is keep trying. Keep meeting new people and open yourself up to the possibility of someone new. Open yourself up to the possibility of being able to care for somebody new; of opening your heart to them.”
It was easier said than done, but I'd keep doing what I was doing. I made no promises though.
I left the session focused on the rest of what he'd said, which interested me far more than finding a girlfriend online. I decided that he was on to something. He had a great point about getting out and doing something as a family, something fun and active, something that the three of us could learn and enjoy together.
As I walked out of his office, I decided that we needed to sign up for surfing lessons. Maybe Dr. Miller was right about surfing. We'd start very basic, but it would get us out of the house and on the beach more. It was something that would be good for all of us.
On the way home, I stopped by the local surf shop and inquired about lessons. The man at the counter looked, and sounded, stoned out of his mind, which almost made me turn around and walk out, rethinking my decision.
“Your surfing instructor is rad, bro,” he said, which made me feel better. “She's new, but she's supposed to be really good with kids. You're gonna dig her.”
She. Huh. At least our instructor wasn't going to be the stoner with the tribal tattoo who looked a little too old to be working the front desk of a surf shop. With his help, I picked out surf boards and wetsuits for the kids and myself. Zoey was going to be so excited. And Zack, well, he'd warm up to it.
It felt like the right thing for all of us.
Maybe I didn't need a girlfriend or a wife. I had my kids and we'd get through this together. We'd made it this far, hadn't we?
“When do we start?” my daughter asked, jumping for joy the moment I'd told her. “I can't wait!”
Zack stared at me, a look of fear in his eyes.
“Our first lesson is this weekend,” I said, ruffling the hair on my son's head. “And don't worry, buddy, we'll ease you in to the water. They told me the instructor is great with kids and will take things at a nice, easy pace.”
“I'm not scared,” Zack said, clearly lying through his teeth.
“Good, because there's nothing to be afraid of,” I said.
“I'm going surfing,” Zoey sang as she danced around the living room. “I'm going surfing and I'm so excited!”
It felt nice to see my little girl happy about something for a change. It had been so long since she sang and danced around the room like that. If only I could get Zack excited about our little outing too, but he was more like me – reserved, cautious, careful. My daughter was like Gina – fun-loving, care-free, and adventurous- always willing to try new things, no matter how scary.
“But Daddy has some work to do now,” I said. “Why don't we go in the back yard and play?”
The kids hurried out the back door, and I grabbed my laptop, following them out. There were benefits to my job, one of which was the ability to work from home in the evenings instead of spending all day and night in the office. Though it still occupied me enough that I missed out on time with my kids.
“Can I go swimming, daddy?” Zoey called out.
“Not this late,” I said. “It's getting too chilly. Maybe tomorrow when Emma watches you two.”
Zoey pouted for a moment, but then raced her brother to the swing set. I leaned back in my patio chair and opened my laptop. I heard music coming from next door and glanced over. Between the fence posts, I saw Emma sitting by the pool in a bikini. My breath caught in my throat as my eyes fell to the roundness of her breasts. I didn't even know how long I'd been staring before I realized what I was doing.
She's just a kid, I scolded myself, forcing my eyes away from her. But truth be told, she wasn't a kid anymore, that much was evident by her ample cleavage and curvy body. She was spreading some tanning lotion on her legs, humming along to some Katy Perry song, oblivious to me watching her.
Don't be creepy, Marcus. Stop looking already.
As much as I'd distanced myself from the opposite sex since Gina's death, I was still very attracted to women. I had needs that were not being met, but I pushed those aside for my children. I wasn't about to start sleeping around just to get my rocks off. Besides, what would I do with the kids while I was getting laid?
It was an impossible situation, and because it had been a while and I was feeling a little horny, I caught myself checking out my neighbor's daughter.
Emma turned in the chair, a book in hand, and caught my eye. She smiled. I gave her an awkward little wave, which she returned. I looked away, focusing on my work and hoped she didn't catch me staring too intently. That would be embarrassing. I was much too old to be looking at a girl like her.
Too old and carried too much baggage.
ooo000ooo
The dream was always the same.
“It's probably nothing,” Gina told me, kissing me. “Just a routine drug test. What are you so afraid of?”
Gina didn't know then the extent of my problems, not until later. In that moment, her big, brown eyes were so wide, so innocent, and so full of love. And so, I'd lied to her.
“You're probably right. I'm clean, I have nothing to worry about.”
“Exactly,” she said, cuddling in close to my body.
We were in my off-campus apartment, curled up on the couch, watching a movie. We'd been together for five months at that point and she thought she knew me. Had she known the real me from the beginning, I have no doubt she'd never have fallen for me in the first place. But I was practiced at it by the point, and was able to hide the real me very well.
I hid it from everyone.
“My boyfriend is going to play in the NFL,” she'd say proudly. “Maybe you can finally afford that engagement ring .”
But my name had never been called during the draft. Not once in all seven rounds. I'd screwed it all up.
And when I found out that my results came back positive, yet again, and no team would touch me, I was numb. But it was Gina who'd cried the most.
“Who are you? Do I even know you?” she cried. “Cocaine? Marcus, I had no idea.”
But Gina came back to me and she stayed with me. That's when I realized this woman really loved me.
“We'll get you clean,” she said. “Professional football is out, but there are other things you can do. Other career paths for you. I'll help you.”
After those dreams, I'd wake up in a sweat, my heart thundering, adrenaline coursing through my body. My life had literally flashed before my eyes. Depending on how long I slept, the dream would sometimes go on, to the very end, to the moment in the hospital when the doctor told me, “I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do.”
But I was spared for one night; spared of the worst parts of my life. I was only left with the reminder that I'd fucked up in the biggest way possible, that I deserved all the pain and hardship in my life, that I'd done this to myself.
All because I couldn't stay clean.