CHAPTER ELEVEN - SEAN
“Tommy, Sarah, go get dressed please,” Emily said. The kids jumped out of their chairs and ran upstairs.
Breakfast was a quiet affair that morning. Tommy and Sarah were both still tired from our late night at dinner, and Emily wasn’t speaking to me. I knew I had fucked up and made things way worse last night and I didn’t know how to rectify it. I felt like I was losing my damn mind.
She moved into the kitchen, piling the dishes in the sink and leaving them. It wasn’t like her to leave chores for later, but I didn’t complain. In the short time she’d been with us, she already did more around the house than I had since we moved in. She was beyond helpful, but seeing her ignore dirty dishes made me watch her closer. As she moved around the kitchen, my eyes followed her.
With a frown, I leaned against the table while she opened the fridge to grab a water bottle. Her behavior this morning was strange. She was usually chipper in the mornings, always eager to get the kids in a good mood from the start. Today, she didn’t seem to care about that. She didn’t seem to care about anything.
I sat back in my chair and shook my head. It didn’t matter how Emily acted. As long as she did her job well, that was what mattered. I told myself it was a good thing that she was ignoring me as I got up from the table. Without a word, I disappeared into my room to get dressed.
When I went back out to the living room, Emily and the kids were playing a game. Emily’s face was alive with emotion for the first time this morning. Her eyes were open wide, and she was laughing, tickling Sarah and motioning for Tommy to take his turn.
“What are you guys playing?” I asked, sitting in the chair beside the coffee table.
“Sorry,” Sarah said. “Emily brought it over. It’s so fun!”
“Do you want to play?” Tommy asked.
My eyes fell on Emily’s face, and all the joy I’d seen just seconds before was gone. She didn’t meet my eyes. Instead, she stared at the game board. Her eyebrows were pulled together, and her lips were tight. I cleared my throat and she looked up.
When our eyes finally met, she softened slightly. She searched my face for something, though I wasn’t sure what. Her soft gaze made me harden. I felt my face tighten as I turned away.
“Maybe later,” I told Tommy. “I have to go into town right now.”
“Can we come?” Sarah asked, already getting to her feet.
“Don’t you want to finish your game?” I asked.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want Sarah with me. I just knew my mood was only going to get worse.
“I want to come with you,” Sarah said.
“Not this time,” I said. “Stay here and play with Emily.”
“We can bake cookies after the game,” Emily said. “What do you think?”
“Yeah!” Sarah pumped her fist in the air with excitement. I smiled at her.
I looked at Emily one last time before I got up to leave. It was hard to read the emotion on her face. I left the house and climbed behind the wheel of my car. With a sigh, I cranked the engine and drove the five minutes into town. Emily’s face was still burned in my brain, and I was determined to get rid of it. She’d only been back a few days, and already, I was cranky and frustrated. Not for the first time, I wondered if I made the right decision in hiring her back.
I parked in a random parking spot and got out. I didn’t really have any errands, but I couldn’t be in that house for another second. With Emily staring at me with hidden expectations, it was too much. I still didn’t know what our kiss meant, and I wasn’t in a hurry to find out. From the way Emily was acting, though, she definitely was.
As I walked, I stumbled across an old bookstore. It looked closed, but when I stepped closer, I saw the lights on inside. I pushed open the door and was immediately hit with the smell of old books. I inhaled deeply, a smile spreading across my face. I couldn’t remember the last time I spent any time in a bookstore.
“Can I help you find anything?” someone asked from behind me.
I was halfway inside the store and I whirled around to see an old man looking up at me.
“No, thank you,” I said. “I’m just looking around.”
“I don’t know you,” the man said.
“No, you don’t.”
“I know everyone in town,” he said. “I’m Harry.”
“Sean,” I said simply. “I just moved here.”
“Well, Sean,” Harry said. “Welcome to my store. It’s nothing special, but we have some good things if you dig a bit.”
“I’ll do that,” I promised.
“Let me know if you need anything,” Harry said.
I nodded and Harry hobbled away, leaning heavily on a curved cane. This town became stranger with each new person I encountered. It was like the entire place had its own heartbeat, completely unique and unlike anything I’d ever experienced.
In a way, it was inspiring, but it was also disconcerting. I’d lived in San Diego for over thirty years. It was odd to be away from the ocean and my previously busy life. I thought again of the email that had driven me so far from my home.
I’m Sarah’s biological father…I want to see her…
I shook my head to clear my thoughts. There wasn’t anything I was looking for in particular, so I just wandered through the store, picking up different books as I moved. Most everything in Harry’s store was old, but seemed to be soaked in history. I found a barely recognizable copy of Gulliver’s Travels that I almost bought, but I thought better of it. I already owned three copies, and there was no reason to add another to my collection.
I continued lingering in the shelves for most of the afternoon. My excitement at finding a bookstore overshadowed my hunger or sense of time. I lost myself in the old books and amazing smells. It wasn’t until I stumbled upon the notebook section that my blood really began to burn with excitement.
The notebooks were the only thing in Harry’s store that looked new. I picked each one up, flipping it open to examine the pages inside. My own notebook wasn’t yet filled, but I couldn’t resist the urge to buy a few more.
After looking for a long time, I picked two. One was a leather-bound journal, tied with a delicate leather string. The other was a typical notebook, bound tightly with lined pages on the inside. I loved them both. As I made my way to the counter, I grabbed a pack of new pens and added that to my stack. Setting them on the counter, I pulled out my wallet and waited to hear the total.
“Just notebooks, huh?” Harry asked.
“Yeah,” I said with a nod. “That’s it for today.”
“Writing a book?” Harry asked. His eyes flickered to my face with interest.
I just shrugged and looked away. My aspirations to become a writer were personal and private. Harry slipped the notebooks and pens into a plastic bag and handed it to me.
“Thirty-two dollars,” he said.
I fished out a few bills and passed them over. Harry fiddled with his register and then stuffed the bills inside. He grabbed my change and counted it out slowly. I could tell from the way his hands shook that he was beginning to feel his age.
“Thank you,” I said when he handed me the change.
“Come back soon,” he said. “You can tell me all about that book you’re pretending not to write.”
I smiled weakly and left, my cheeks burning with embarrassment. Once outside, I checked my phone to see that it was almost dinnertime. I couldn’t believe I’d spent the entire day wandering through Harry’s store, but I was glad I did. For the first time, I found something to distract me from thoughts of Emily.
When I made it back home, the kids were already finishing dinner. I walked over and kissed them each on their heads.
“Already eating?” I asked.
“Sorry,” Emily said. “We tried to wait, but they were hungry.”
“It’s fine,” I said.
“Did you have fun shopping, Dad?” Tommy asked.
“I did.” I smiled. “Did you have fun with Emily today?”
“Yeah,” Tommy said. “We always have fun with Emily.”
Emily smiled at that and busied herself with the dishes. I took the kids upstairs to get them ready for bed. With Emily around, it wasn’t often that I managed my children’s bedtime routine. I hadn’t realized I missed it until I was lying next to Sarah, reading her to sleep.
She fell asleep fast, resting her tiny head on my chest. I kissed her softly and slowly slid out from underneath her. She flopped her head onto her pillow without waking, and I tiptoed back downstairs.
Emily was still cleaning the kitchen so I grabbed my bag from Harry’s and moved toward my study.
“What did you get?” Emily asked. I turned around with a frown. She pointed at the bag in my hand. “At Harry’s. Anything good?”
My frown deepened as Emily searched my face. I could tell she was trying to get to know me better, to get close to me, to figure me out. It angered me in a way that surprised me. I’d been frustrated with myself for my attraction to Emily, but this was the first time I found myself angry with her. She just wouldn’t get the hint.
I didn’t want to know her. I didn’t want to be close to her. I couldn’t risk it.
“Nothing,” I said, my voice short.
“Obviously, it’s something.” Emily laughed softly.
“It’s none of your business.” My voice was cold and hard.
Emily’s smile fell from her lips, and she just stayed quiet while I turned around.
I marched down the hall to my study. Once inside, I sat down at my desk and ran my hands over my face. Emily was the most infuriating woman I’d ever dealt with. Not only was she always tempting me with that tight fucking body, but she wouldn’t leave me alone. She kept pushing and pushing, trying to get inside my mind. It was enough to drive me insane.
Deep down, I knew it wasn’t Emily’s fault. She was gorgeous and smart, kind and loving. The way she handled Sarah’s breakdown at dinner last night was enough proof that she knew what she was doing. Everything she did exuded caring, but I didn’t want her to care, not about me anyway.
As I sat there, unpacking my notebooks and pens, I thought about how it would feel to let Emily in. After two seconds, I knew it was impossible. Even a sexual relationship with no emotional ties felt insane. No matter how much I wanted Emily’s body or how badly she wanted to know the real me, I couldn’t give in to either desire.
Without thinking, I picked up a pen and started writing. I didn’t even realize what I was putting on the page until I was finished. I’d filled almost ten pages without pause. In all my life, I’d never written that much in a single sitting. With a frown, I leaned back in my chair and read over my words. They were all about Emily. Every single one.