CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
MARCUS
“Can we surf in the water now?” Zoey asked, hands on her hips.
She was getting tired of all these classes up on the beach and it showed. She was eager to take to the water, to see about getting up on her board and riding the waves. My little Zoey was adventurous like that. She was fierce, fearless. It was sometimes difficult to rein her in, even when it was for her own good, especially when it was for her own good.
“I don't want to go in the water yet, Zoey,” Zack said, staring at his sister with big, scared eyes.
It was becoming more and more obvious that Zack was not cut out for surfing. He didn't like it and wasn't overly fond of the water in general, which was fine. He gave it a shot, it wasn't for him. No big deal. We'd find something that he was into at some point. He was young and there were a million different things he could do with his time. I knew he would find something that lit a fire in him.
Zoey was another story altogether. She loved the water, she couldn't get enough. She and Emma had the time of their lives at these lessons and it was becoming increasingly obvious that the two of them were going to be surf buddies before too long. Zoey, though a little awkward at times still, was taking to surfing like she'd been born to it, like it was in her blood and bones, just like Emma.
And I for one, was glad to see that Zoey had found something that really stoked the fires and passions inside of her. I wanted my kids to be active, to have hobbies that inspired them, that motivated them. That made them want to get out of the house and do something. I was an athlete by nature, and I didn't particularly enjoy being cooped up inside all of the time. I enjoyed being active, and I was more than happy to see Zoey following in my footsteps that way.
And I was finally getting over my fear of looking stupid. Little by little.
“Think of it this way,” Emma told me once when we were alone in bed one night. “You're teaching me about sex. What to do, what you like, what I like. And yeah, I could look stupid and screw up, but you don't judge me, do you? You simply take it all in stride and we just move forward together, enjoying one another.”
“Never,” I said. “I'd never judge you in a million years, Emma.”
“Well, it's basically the same with surfing,” she said. “I might know what I'm doing, but I don't expect you to come in here being an expert. You have to start somewhere. And I've had a lot more practice on the water than you have. Sort of like the fact that you've had more practice – ”
I held up a hand to cut her off and laughed. “I got it,” I said. “Your analogy makes perfect sense.”
And it did. Her analogy absolutely clicked with me. It might not be easy to let go of my fears, to open myself up to the possibility of screwing up and looking like a fool in front of the woman I loved. But if Emma could be brave enough to do it when it came to being intimate with me, surely, I could hop on a surfboard and share in her hobby.
After all, of the two activities, being naked and intimate with somebody was, by far, the more terrifying of the two. And yet, Emma charged into it headlong, unafraid, and fierce.
So, there we were, a few weeks into surfing lessons and I was about to go out on the water for the first time. Emma was going to stay back with the kids and make sure they were doing okay. She walked me through everything I needed to do over and over again until I could recite it back to her verbatim.
We waxed the board, got everything ready to go, and I walked toward the water. It was ridiculous, but I felt a little bit nervous – and not just nervous about looking like an idiot in front of Emma and the kids. The ocean was a powerful, unpredictable force. I'd seen more than enough documentaries to know that the ocean killed a lot of people every year, many of them surfers. And being that I was a rookie at all of this, I think I'd rather face a two-hundred-and-fifty-pound linebacker than get crushed by a wall of water.
But, the waves weren't very big that day, thank God. As I watched the sets roll in, I figured that I probably wouldn't catch anything at all. Whether or not I actually got up on a wave was irrelevant at that stage of my progress to Emma. She wanted me to paddle out and stand on the board, in the water. That's what we were doing today. That was the whole plan. Baby steps.
I laid down on the board like she'd taught me and paddled out a few feet from the shore. I felt my cheeks flush when I heard Emma and Zoey cheering me on. I felt silly being out there and having them carry on like that – there wasn't even a real wave in sight.
But, I reminded myself, it wasn't about looking good. It was about learning. Practice and repetition were the keys to becoming proficient at anything. So, I put my hands to the side, like Emma taught me, and pushed my body up into a standing position. For the briefest of moments, I was standing on the surf board. Literally just standing there, but it felt good to be upright, and I felt prouder of that than anything I'd ever done on a football field. “Go daddy!” I heard from the shore.
Feeling confident, I turned to look back at my daughter and give her a thumbs-up, and realized a split second later that I'd made a terrible, horrible mistake. As soon as I shifted my weight to look back at Zoey, the board beneath me began to wobble and shake. Holding my arms straight out, I tried to steady the board, and myself, but overcorrected and ended up falling head first into the water.
Zoey screeched and laughed like a maniac, but I pulled myself above water and clung to the side of my board and waved at her.
“I'm okay,” I yelled back.
I saw Emma covering her mouth, doing her best to not let me see that she was laughing as hard as Zoey was. Unable to hide it, she simply shook her head as she motioned for me to come back to shore. I paddled back, letting the tide push me most of the way. I had to admit, it was nice being out on the water. I could see the appeal for both Emma and Zoey. Standing on the board, even if only for a brief moment, had been exhilarating. I had to give Emma that.
As I picked up my board and stepped out of the water, Zoey yelled, “My turn!” before I was even fully back on dry land.
“You okay?” Emma asked me, trying to hide her laugh, but having no more success at it than she had earlier.
“Yeah, only my ego is bruised,” I said with a wink.
“My turn! My turn!” Zoey said. “I bet I can stay up longer than daddy!”
“I bet you can,” I said, ruffling her hair. “I bet anyone could.”
“Hush, you did great,” Emma said, patting me playfully on the chest. “You had great form until you turned to look at Zoey. But that's going to be one of the next lessons, learning to maintain your balance once you're up and moving.”
“Come on, Emma,” Zoey said, pulling on Emma's arm.
“Okay, okay,” Emma said, “Let's go.”
Emma was going out with Zoey for her first time. Not only for safety, but also to guide her. I watched as my two girls – my girlfriend and my daughter – dropped their boards with a splash and paddled out in the water.
I was a tiny bit nervous as I watched them paddling out. But, I figured that was normal. Most anybody would probably be nervous watching the two women they loved out on the open water like that, but I had faith that Emma knew what she was doing. I trusted her with Zoey. She was probably the only person alive I trusted with my kids aside from myself. And as far as surfing went, there was absolutely nobody I trusted more than Emma.
As soon as they got far enough out, Emma and Zoey got into position. Slowly, they both stood up. Zoey managed to nail it on her first try, just as I thought she would. She'd been practicing for some time and was more than eager to show off her skills to everybody. Emma was talking to her, walking her through everything they needed to do to maintain their balance and not fall off. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I could see it.
Zoey wasn't up for long, though, she was still probably on her feet longer than I had been, before she fell off the board and splashed into the water. Emma quickly jumped in after her and I sucked in a breath. My heart raced as I waited for them both to come back up. It seemed to take forever and I was growing nervous as a wave crashed onto shore.
“Daddy, where are they?” Zack asked me.
“I'm sure they're fine,” I said, but my mouth grew dry. “You wait here, buddy. Daddy is going to – ”
I started to say I was going to help, but that's when I saw Emma and Zoey's heads pop up over the wave. They were fine, in fact, they were laughing together. Emma helped Zoey get back on the board and they tried again. This time, she stayed up even longer, raising her hands above her head, a wide smile plastered on her face. Emma applauded and cheered as my daughter stood upright, and then managed to fall off into the water again.
They practiced a few more times and each time, she stayed on her feet a little bit longer before they fell into the water again. And each time it happened, I felt my heart sink. But every single time, they popped back above water laughing together and were perfectly were fine. Zoey was a strong swimmer and she had Emma at her side, watching over her, as well. Emma had been trained as a lifeguard as well, she knew what she was doing. Still, the idea of losing someone else I loved weighed heavily on me every time one of them fell off. After losing Gina, it had become one of my biggest and most perpetual fears
Zack held my hand and looked up at me. “I don't want to do that, daddy,” he said.
“You don't have to, buddy,” I said, ruffling his hair. “If you don't want any more surfing lessons, you don't have to take them.”
“Good,” he said.
He plopped down in the sand and starting digging, building a sand castle instead. As I watched him, I marveled over my two kids. They really couldn't have been any more different from one another if they'd tried, but that was okay. I'd let them be who they were and to never conform to somebody else's view of who or what they should be. I'd told them to never let people force them into doing things they just didn't want to do. I'd always let them make their own mistakes and discover what made them happy, even if it scared me. After all, it was their life to live, not mine, and they needed to be the person they wanted to be, to do the things that made the fires inside of them burn the brightest. All I could do was be there to support them, cheer them on, and pick them up if they fell.
I was going to let them discover who they were on their own without my interference. After all, being a father was so much more than just protecting them, you also had to know when to let go.
When Emma and Zoey came back to shore, Zoey was out of breath but was grinning like a fiend. She ran up to me and smiled wide.
“Did you see that? Emma says I'm a natural!”
“She really is” Emma said. “Not to sound cocky or arrogant, but she reminds me a lot of myself when I was her age. She's got really good balance and coordination for someone her age. I think with some practice, she can be really, really good.”
My kids were happy. I was happy. For the first time in my life, I'd taken some risks, big risks, and they'd paid off big time. Not only were my kids discovering more about themselves, I'd somehow managed to find love again. It wasn't easy and it was scary, but opening myself up to those emotions again had been the best thing I'd ever done. And I'd even managed to balance myself on a surfboard for a few moments.
No matter what else came after, I'd call that a win.