CHAPTER SEVENTEEN - SEAN
We made it to the zoo quickly. Tommy and Sarah were arguing over which exhibit to see first. Sarah insisted the elephants were obviously the best, but Tommy said the tigers should be their first stop.
I promised them we would see everything, but that didn’t stop their bickering. For the first time, though, it didn’t bother me to listen to them fight. I sat behind the wheel of my car, Philip beside me, and Emily in the backseat between Tommy and Sarah, with a smile on my face. The radio was on softly, and I had my window rolled halfway down. The cool breeze was whipping against my face.
“You look happy,” Philip said softly so no one else could hear.
“It’s a good day.” I shrugged, and Philip just eyed me closely. There was too much understanding in his expression, but I ignored him and stared straight ahead. When we arrived, there was a sea lion show going on right at the front. Tommy and Sarah took off running, throwing themselves against the railing to peek over. Philip hurried after them. He scooped Sarah up in his arms so she could see. I watched from a few feet away while the sea lions jumped and did tricks. Tommy and Sarah were both alive with excitement as they watched the show.
Emily stopped beside me, and I glanced over at her. My hand twitched as I instinctively went to reach for hers, but then thought better of it. Even if the kids didn’t notice, Philip certainly would. Knowing him, he would make some joke about it, and then Tommy and Sarah would piece things together.
“How are you feeling?” I asked Emily. “After last night, I mean.”
“Good. “She winked. “You?”
I grinned mischievously and leaned over to whisper in her ear. My lips grazed her ear lobe, and I felt her shiver.
“Do you want to go again?” I asked, my voice low and husky.
“Maybe,” she shrugged, teasing me.”
“You’re evil.” I groaned and turned back to face the sea lion enclosure.
The animals continued to jump and spin, swimming beneath the water and then jumping out to get a fish or a treat. The trainers seemed to be having fun, and the audience loved it. I could hear Sarah’s laugh from where I stood, and the sound warmed my heart. Emily’s idea to spend the day here had been great.
“You know them so well already,” I said, gesturing toward Tommy and Sarah. “It’s amazing.”
“It wasn’t hard,” Emily said with a shrug. “I just pay attention.”
“That’s more than most people can say,” I said. “Especially with kids. I never realized it until Telissa died, but very few adults actually give children the time of day. Most people just ignore them or sit them in a corner somewhere.”
“That’s their loss,” Emily said. “Kids are great, especially yours.”
I smiled and continued watching the show. My eyes kept flicking back to Emily’s face. I couldn’t bring myself to look away from her for too long. She looked like a dream with her shorts and tank top that highlighted my favorite parts of her body. As I stole glances, I imagined pulling her into the bathroom and tearing those shorts from her body.
“Stop it,” she whispered as the show ended.
“What?” I asked innocently.
“I know exactly what you’re thinking,” she said.
I grinned as the kids ran over to us. They were both jumping up and down and telling us all about the show we all just saw. I laughed and tried to calm them down, but it was no use. They were too excited. They pulled us along, dragging us from one exhibit to the next. Tommy read all the plaques that were situated in front of the cases or glass enclosures, making sure we were all educated on each animal.
It wasn’t long before I lost interest in the animals, but my children’s faces were enough to keep me going. They never lost their bright-eyed wonder, no matter how many animals we saw. When we reached the petting zoo, I thought Sarah was going to burst from happiness. She ran through the animals, feeding them and petting them nonstop. Tommy hung back, slightly more nervous, but he eventually got up the nerve to feed a few of them.
Emily went inside the fence with them, helping them maneuver the animals and keeping them supplied with feed. She was laughing the entire time, the smile never leaving her face. From where I stood with Philip, she seemed to be having almost as much fun as the kids themselves.
“How are things going with you two now?” Philip asked. “I’ve been getting a vibe.”
“Dude, did you just say vibe?” I asked with a laugh.
“Make fun all you want,” Philip said. “But it’s a vibe.”
“Things are great,” I said. “At least, I think so. It’s not like we’ve had ‘the talk’ or anything, but last night was amazing.”
“Last night?” Philip asked. I just raised my eyebrows in response. He laughed and nodded. “Well, all right then. Glad to see things are working out.”
“I like her,” I said honestly. “I really do, man.”
“Good.” Philip nodded again. “Don’t fuck it up.”
“I’ll do my best.” I laughed and went back to watching my kids run around the petting zoo.
Emily chased after them for a few minutes, but eventually got too tired. She walked over to join Philip and I, but stayed inside the fence in case the kids needed her.
The three of us talked and joked about the kid’s excitement until Tommy ran over to announce he was ready for lunch. Emily corralled Sarah, and we all made our way to the food trucks and snack stands. Emily took Sarah into the bathroom, and I took Tommy so they could wash their hands before lunch. When we were all back together, we found a table, and I went to grab everyone food.
We sat and ate, scarfing down the zoo food and snacks. Sarah kept insisting she needed more ice cream. I was feeling soft and happy, so I obliged her wishes and bought her two extra scoops. When were done, we walked through the zoo again.
It was small so it didn’t take us long to make it from one end to the other, but it was worth it. As I watched my kids, Emily, and Philip, I came up with more story ideas than I could remember. They flooded my brain rapidly and overwhelmed me. I desperately wished I had my notebook with me so I could jot them down, but I didn’t. Instead, I just fell silent and tried my best to remember each one.
“Are you okay?” Emily asked after I’d been quiet for too long.
“I’m great,” I said. “Why?”
“You just got quiet.” She shrugged.
“Tired, I guess,” I said. “Someone wouldn’t let me get much sleep last night.”
I grinned, and she smiled back, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She was still worried about me. I thought about telling her the truth, confessing my desire to become a writer finally, but I resisted the urge. Emily was sweet and kind, but I worried she wouldn’t understand my ambitions. What if she thought going from a lawyer to a writer was stupid? What if she ridiculed all my ideas? Worse, what if she asked to read my stuff?
No, I wasn’t ready to tell her the truth. Not yet. Still, my mind raced with ideas throughout the rest of the day. I dreamed about getting home and slipping away into my study for the evening, but I knew that wouldn’t happen. By the time the kids were ready to leave, it was already getting dark.
We were all walking slower as we left the zoo. When we climbed into the car, I wasn’t surprised to see Tommy and Sarah both fall asleep almost instantly. They each laid their head on Emily’s shoulders and drifted off easily. I smiled at the sight in my rearview mirror and drove us toward home.
Traffic stopped us a few times, and Philip decided to make conversation by telling Emily all my embarrassing stories.
“That didn’t happen,” I said firmly after he relayed one of the worst.
“It didn’t?” Emily asked with a laugh.
“Oh, it happened,” Philip said. “He rubbed nacho cheese all over himself as a disguise and then ran screaming through the quad. I’ve never seen so many cops afraid to arrest someone in my life. It was like they didn’t want to touch him.”
Emily was laughing uncontrollably in the backseat. Tommy and Sarah stayed passed out, their exhaustion too much to fight, but I was surprised Philip’s guffaws and Emily’s giggles didn’t coax them awake.
“I wasn’t as bad as this guy,” I said, pointing to Philip. “He once streaked past the Dean’s window and then ran along sorority row in a nothing but a banana hammock.”
“I don’t think that’s worse than nacho cheese,” Emily said, still laughing.
“Ha,” Philip said. “I told you. Yours is way worse.”
“It is,” Emily agreed. “But also, a better story.”
“Hey,” Philip said. “I take offense to that.”
“Ha,” I said, mimicking his earlier insult. “I have better stories.”
“I think the best stories probably involved the shit we did together,” Philip said with a laugh. “Like that night in Nancy’s hot tub or the time we flew to Prague for one night just to meet up with that girl who never fucking showed.”
“What?” Emily asked. “You flew to Prague?!”
“There was this exchange student we were both into,” Philip said. “She never wanted to choose between us so instead, she promised to meet us in Prague on New Year’s Eve.”
“She said she would finally tell us her choice,” I said. “But she never showed. We waited for hours, and eventually, we had to catch our flight back home.”
“Did we ever see her again?” Philip asked.
“No.” I shook my head. “She just bailed on us forever. And now, we’ll never know who she would have chosen.”
“Yup,” Philip said. “We’ll never have our answer.”
“She gave you her answer,” Emily said wisely.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, she didn’t show up,” Emily said. “It’s obvious, isn’t it? She didn’t pick either of you. That was her choice.”
Philip and I looked at each other in shock. Neither of us had ever thought of such a simple answer to our decade-long dilemma. As we looked at each other, we both burst out laughing. Emily joined us, and we spent the rest of the car ride telling her more stories.
I realized, while we drove, that I already had a million things to write about. All the stories I thought of at the zoo were nothing compared to the things I could pull from my own life. It wasn’t just my shenanigans with Philips. It was everything. My life with Telissa. My kids. Everything.
As we neared home, I fell silent again. Philip continued talking a mile a minute, trying to embarrass me further with Emily, but she was barely paying attention.
She was watching me through the rearview mirror, searching my face and silently asking me to talk to her. I didn’t. I wouldn’t. Not yet.
My writing was still something that was so personal to me, so precious, that I couldn’t risk sharing it with someone else. Instead, I forced myself to listen to Philip’s stories and add my own memories to the mix. By the time we pulled into the driveway, I was certain Emily knew every embarrassing, humiliating, uncool thing about me.
When we climbed out of the car, she picked up Sarah, and I carried Tommy through the front door, hoping Emily would still want me after all the stories Philip shared.