“What do you think?” Dwayne turned to show me his crooked bowtie.
“Here…” I made sure that it was straight.
He leaned in and kissed me. “You’re so beautiful.”
I stepped back to give him a full view of my bright red evening gown and turned slowly to show off my figure. He wrapped his arms around me when I turned my back and kissed me behind the ear. “Two years.” He pulled back. “Two fucking years.” He was really fond of saying it, and I loved hearing it.
“Every single day I’m with you is another gift,” I said.
“I’m just glad you’re finally getting a chance to meet her, Gillian. Jacobs is an amazing woman.”
“Was she always your CO?”
“No, only for the last three years, but she left an impression on all of us.”
“I’ve always wondered how a woman got to her position. Do the SEALs even allow women?” I grabbed my stilettos out from under the bed.
“They said if they could pass the test, they could join. The joke was that they were certain that a woman couldn’t pass.”
“When was this? 1970?”
“The early 2000s.”
“What?”
“That’s what’s so amazing about it. The test that SEALs go through is so strenuous that they were convinced it’d be too difficult for a woman to do it. They said that women’s bodies had limits, and that the test pushed the body well beyond what they were capable of. She told them to go fuck themselves and took it anyway. Nobody could believe that she actually passed. It was such a disgrace that they almost refused her entry into the program.”
“Oh my God.”
“They had a hell of a time keeping it quiet, but she wasn’t gloating. She did it for the honor.”
“I can’t believe that.”
“She’s a badass bitch. I can’t believe she’s retiring. It’s a shame.”
“She really liked you, didn’t she?” I put my shoes on and pulled my purse off the hook on the wall.
“She couldn’t really show it officially, but there were little things.” We started walking out, and got into the car.
“I’m excited.”
“I am, too. I haven’t seen her since I left, and I know she’s been dying to meet you. I told her everything about you. I hope you don’t mind.”
“No, she sounds like an amazing woman.”
“She is.” Dwayne pulled out of the driveway, through the city streets and onto the freeway.
“Dwayne,” I pointed at the sign that said, Exit 1. “I thought we were going to Lorenzos?”
He hit the gas.
“Dwayne? What’s going on?”
He was about to hit a truck.
“Dwayne?”
He hit the blinker and swerve into the left lane to avoid it, then threw the car forward until we were behind a semi-truck. He whipped the car to the right, flew past it, and turned into the right lane.
“What are you doing?”
He took the next exit and stayed as quiet as possible as we drove through the quiet city streets. He didn’t answer no matter how much I pleaded with him, and I was starting to get scared. He was one of the most predictable men I’d ever met. The idea of him doing something like this terrified me.
He threw the car into a space next to the shore of the river and turned to me. “Get out.”
“What?”
“Come on,” he opened my door.
“Dwayne…”
He got out and walked around so he could offer me his hand.
“What is going on?” I refused to take it.
“I thought you might like to take a walk with me by the river. That’s all.”
I looked back at the water, then up at him. “We’re going to be late for dinner.”
“No, we’re not.” He kept his hand held out.
“Fine.” I took his hand and he led me closer to the sidewalk lining the water. The sun was setting behind the bridge. The sky spread out in bands of orange, rose, then indigo, and finally a navy blue, spotted with specks of light growing brighter by the minute.
Dwayne dropped my hand and, I turned to watch the water lapping at the shore. “Gillian…” There was something in his tone.
“What?” I turned around and covered my mouth. Tears were flying down my face. He was on one knee holding out a black, velvet ring box.
“I know you’re hungry,” his voice broke, “and you’re probably eager to get to dinner.”
“No.”
“You haven’t let me finish yet.”
“No,” I shuddered, “I mean, I don’t care about dinner.”
“Good, because you’re the most amazing, beautiful woman I’ve ever met. You’ve brought me back from the edge of madness, taken a risk on me, and I want to spend the rest of my life thanking you for it. Will you marry me?”
I reached down and pulled him up by the collar, then crashed our lips together. “Yes.” I kissed him again. “Dear God, yes.” I kissed him again, and this time he reached back and nudged my head forward, so he could take control. I barely noticed when he took my hand and slipped the ring on until I looked down and saw it.
“Come on,” he said and motioned for me to follow him to the car.
“I thought you said we weren’t going to be late.”
“I lied.” He hopped in.
When we got to the restaurant, I noticed his back stiffen, his shoulders rolled back and his movements went stiff. I wasn’t sure to make of it at first, but as we walked through the lot, I realized that it was a sign of respect for a person that he honored.
The waiter led us out onto the back patio where a middle-aged woman was sitting in back. She caught my eye immediately. She wasn’t stiff or mean looking. Her lips weren’t pursed. She was casual, graceful, and extremely well composed. I noticed when we got closer that her short black hair was perfectly arranged, not one single hair out of place.
She stood up, smiling, and said, “Dwayne, you look ridiculous. At ease.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Jacobs, this is my fiancée, Gillian.”
“Fiancée? I thought you said she was your girlfriend.” Jacobs looked at me and nodded her head. “You just proposed, didn’t you?”
He nodded.
“Hey,” she called out to the waiter behind me. He turned around, shocked that she was calling out. “Bring us your best merlot.”
He nodded and ran off.
“Sit down. Sit down.”
Dwayne pulled out my chair so I could take a seat and gave me a look of sheer satisfaction. “I was surprised when you called me,” he said. “I can’t believe you left.”
“It was time. I’d been holding onto my sanity for so long. I couldn’t keep up the struggle any longer, and it started to lose its luster. The war was a sham from the beginning,” she said. “We all know that, and we weren’t making any difference. I got tired of it.”
“Was there ever a time when you believed in it?” Dwayne asked.
“Of course. When I saw how they lived, and what the Taliban was doing to the people — we had to do something.”
“But what changed?”
“Nothing changed.” The waiter brought out the bottle and poured our drinks. When he walked away, she began again.
“We were there to help them, but they didn’t want our help. They wanted us to leave, so they kept trying to kill us. Then of course, we had to retaliate; we just kept going back and forth until it was too tense for us to even be there. I’m glad I got out when I did, things are getting ugly – but enough about that. I want to know about Harris.”
Dwayne took a drink of his wine. “He’s doing well. The DA dropped the charges and reduced them to one count of assault and battery. He should be out next year. I went to visit him last month and he said that he hasn’t been having any flashbacks.”
“Is it the medication?” Jacobs asked.
“It doesn’t look like it. He’s sharp and hasn’t gained any weight. He looks like he’s come back to himself.”
“I’m so glad to hear that,” she said. “Why did he do it, Dwayne? You never told me.”
He swished his drink around, took a sip, then swished it around a little more. “You want to know where he went?”
“I do.”
“Why?” He sounded unsettled.
“Because I didn’t like having him there, to be honest with you. I’ve had my concerns about a lot of men, but he’s the one that worried me the most. He was strong and capable, but mentally, I didn’t think he could handle the war, and it scared me. I tried to harden him up. You saw.” Dwayne nodded. “But it didn’t work.”
“I think he was probably better than most of us,” he said after a moment.
“Why?”
“It takes a certain kind of person to do the kinds of things we did without it getting to your head. We all felt the shock one way or the other. It’s like you told me that you used to have flashbacks.”
Jacobs nodded.
“But we all did what we knew we had to do, even if we couldn’t stand it.”
“You knew that I’d have to court-martial you if you didn’t follow orders. I didn’t have a choice.”
“But that’s where it gets murky. At some point, we saw following orders as the right thing to do. We didn’t question things. We were patriots doing our duty. Even when it got hard, and we felt like we simply couldn’t do what we were asked, we still did what we were told because we knew the consequences.
“Jason didn’t care about that. He wanted to do the right thing, and he was willing to risk anything to do that. I think that’s why he was so sensitive. He had a stronger moral compass than the rest of us, and he couldn’t move past it.”
“I remember when he was standing in my office, begging me to let him stay back, the time I sent you out after those kids.”
Dwayne nodded.
“I wanted to run around the desk and shake him and say, ‘What are you doing here?’ I think at that point, I realized that he was going to crack, so I put in his orders for discharge. I’ll bet that’s where he goes when he has flashbacks.” Dwayne didn’t confirm or deny it. Something told me that he didn’t think Jason would want him to say, but Jacobs knew. “I didn’t think they’d send you back, though.” She shook her head. “I couldn’t say anything, but I was worried.”
“You didn’t have to worry,” I said. “Dwayne doesn’t see it, but I know that he would’ve been fine.”
“No,” Jacobs said. “It was you. I could tell from the moment I saw you. He was a completely different person when he was in my unit. He was stiff and mean, even aggressive, though he didn’t show it much.”
“I was not.”
“Me and some of the guys used to take bets on how long it would take for you to punch Jason.”
“What?”
“Did he do it?” I asked.
“No, never. See, that’s the kind of man he is. He couldn’t stand Jason half the time. The rest of the time he was just being nice – and trust me, that was a chore – but he knew Jason was vulnerable. He rarely said a rude word to him because Jason couldn’t take it. That’s not something most men can do. They don’t see that far. They act on their emotions.”
“You’re right,” I said.
“Imagine if he treated Jason like that,” Jacobs scoffed. “You must be the luckiest woman in the world. I know you are. He’s one of the finest men I’ve ever had the pleasure of serving with.”
“Do you really think so?” he asked.
“Absolutely.” She took another drink and refilled our glasses. “This is a special night. You both deserve a toast.” She lifted her glass. We didn’t have to say anything. We just clinked it together. The significance of the moment was enough. Dwayne and I had found each other, and that was all that mattered.
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PHYSICAL
By Naomi Niles
This book is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places and incidents are products of the writer's imagination or have been used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, locales or organizations is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2016 Naomi Niles
Chapter One
KYLE
The headache was always the same. It would just hit me out of nowhere. Today I was sitting at my desk trying to finish up some paperwork before my sister showed up to take me to the doctor. She was insisting on going with me like I’m twelve. I didn’t want to go and I didn’t want her to go with me…until once again the crushing pain descended down on me. It pulsed like a slow heartbeat and each time the veins dilated and the blood rushed through, it brought with it a new wave of pain, each one worse than the last. I couldn’t sit still… I had to get up and pace from one end of the room to the other and back again. It was so intense that I honestly looked at the big glass window behind me and for just a second, I thought about shoving my head through it. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but nothing does when the pain is this bad.
As I paced up and down, my vision got blurry as my eyes began to burn and pour water out of them. I was at least grateful that I was at work when it happened and not out driving to a job. It hit me once on the I-635 on my way out to a jobsite. There was nowhere to stop until I got off the freeway and the whole time, I was clutching the wheel with one hand and wiping the water out of my eyes with the other. It was one of those situations where you just know: this is it, I’m fucking dying right here on the 635. I just knew that I was going to die. It had been just my luck that my sister was joining me on the jobsite that day. I work for her husband, Michael. He and I are both architects, and he owns his own business in Dallas. Sarah is a stay-at-home mom most of the time, but when we’re short-handed and one of us needs an assistant, she fills in. I was forty-five minutes late that day and she called and texted me four times before I got there. The last time, I finally answered, and when she asked me where I was…I literally had no clue. I’d gotten off the freeway and pulled onto some side street in a residential area and paced up and down the street. Luckily, no one called the cops. I told Sarah about the headache while I was still recovering and in a vulnerable state – that’s why I have the doctor’s appointment today.
When I’m smack dab in the middle of the pain, going to the doctor sounds like a fine idea. But once it’s gone and my thoughts clear, I change my mind. Sarah knows me too well. She grew up looking after my stubborn Native American dad and me. She actually called the doctor and handed me the phone. Then, she stood there and listened. When she heard them try to give me an appointment for next week, she said, “He can’t wait that long!” So rather than deal with my sister, who can be quite pushy, they got me in this afternoon. Right now, this fucking pain is so bad that it can’t be soon enough.
“Hey, Kyle!” The sound of my brother-in-law Michael’s booming voice ripped through me like a knife to the skull.
“Shh! Too loud,” I whispered, holding my head in my hands.
“What the hell is wrong with you? You look like hell. Are you crying?”
“My head!”
“Okay…”
“It hurts.”
“Damn, man! Sit down. You’re pale as a ghost. You look like you’re gonna pass out.”
“Can’t…can’t sit still.”
“Fuck! I’m calling Sarah-”
“No!” I pushed it out through my gritted teeth. “Don’t call her. I have a – an – I’m going to the circus…fuck, I mean the doctor.”
“Yeah, you’re going to the circus alright – in an ambulance.” He pulled out his phone and I stared at him. I wanted to tell him no again, but I couldn’t remember about what. What is his name? Fuck! Why can’t I think?
“Yes, my name is Michael Penner. I need an ambulance sent to 546 Amon Carter Blvd. It’s the Penner/Styles building and we’re on the third floor…I’m not sure. He said his head hurts, but he’s white as a ghost and he’s saying crazy things…no, he’s not mentally ill. No! He doesn’t have a weapon. He’s not threatening anyone. Shit! He’s sick, isn’t that what ambulances are for? Okay…thank you.”
I could hear everything he was saying, but the words were like bouncing around inside my skull. They wouldn’t settle down long enough for me to grab hold and make sense of them. I kept moving though. Somehow, that made me feel better. My sister’s husband is back on the phone. Why the fuck can’t I remember his name? What the hell is wrong with me? “Sarah, something is really wrong with Kyle….Yes, it’s a headache again, but this one is different…He’s pacing all over the place…He won’t sit down…He’s not making sense, Sarah. I’m not putting him on the phone. I called an ambulance.”
I felt myself falling, but I forgot that I was supposed to put my hands out. The last thing I saw was the desk right before my already aching head slammed into it.
*******
My eyes felt heavy, like they were taped shut. I had this panicked feeling in my chest like I was going to be late for something and I needed to wake up. I pulled at them and I tried to lift my arms so I could rub the sleep out of them. My arms wouldn’t move, I felt like I was tied down. The panic in my chest got worse and I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe. An alarm was going off. I thought it was mine, until I heard Sarah’s voice.
“Nurse! His oxygen sats are falling again!” She’s yelling…my fucking head hurts. Why is she yelling? She’s calling for a nurse. Did I go to the doctor? “Nurse!”
“Calm down, Sarah, she’s coming.” My dad…Shit…if Dad’s here, it’s a lot worse than a doctor’s appointment. Fuck! Another sharp pain raced through my skull.
“He could suffocate by the time they drag their lazy asses in here!” That’s my sister – always looking out for me. I waited for the pain to pass and tried my eyes again. The screeching alarm had stopped, at least, and I felt like I got a good breath in. I felt the air hit my left eye as the lid fluttered up slightly…and then the right one. Everything was blurry, but they were open, kind of. I was looking out through watery slits. It was like I was underwater and staring up at everything. There were machines and tubes hanging up over my head. I tried to turn slightly, but that was a mistake. That brought back the pain and that fucking loud alarm again – and Sarah’s screeching.
“I’m right here, Mrs. Penner.” That one was unfamiliar. It must be the nurse Sarah keeps yelling about. The alarm stopped and the pain began to subside. I cracked my eyes open and to see the watery outline of a middle-aged woman’s face looking down at me. “Well, look at that, you’re awake. Can you hear me, Mr. Cloud?”
“Kyle!” Oh Jesus, Sarah stop yelling! I blinked my eyes, trying to clear them, and I felt someone wipe the edges of them with a towel or something. I was able to focus them slightly. Sarah’s face was there now on the other side. She looked like she’s been crying. There’s Dad now leaning in over her. Maybe I’m on my deathbed. “Kyle, can you hear us?”
I’d have to be deaf not to. I tried to say it out loud, but for some reason, the words came out all jumbled up. They were more like random sounds. Sarah looked at the nurse, and I heard the older woman say, “Don’t worry honey, he’s still medicated. This is normal after brain surgery.”
Brain surgery? What the fuck? I’m dreaming. That’s what this is. It’s a weird, bad dream. Sometimes when I finally fall asleep after the headaches, I have weird dreams. This has to be one of them. I tried to move my head again. If this was a dream, I should be able to do that… My head didn’t move, but a strange sound came out of my chest. “Kyle, honey are you in pain?” Sarah again. Yes…I’m in pain. Once again I tried to form the words, but even to my own ears, they sounded like some weird foreign language. What the hell is wrong with me?
“I can give him another dose of morphine, and then I’m going to let Dr. Grant know he’s waking up.”
Morphine? I must definitely be on my deathbed. They’re giving me the good shit. “Kyle, can you blink if you can hear me?” Sarah again. She just can’t let anything go. I closed my eyes. It felt so good that I almost went back to sleep and left it at that…but Sarah was waiting. I opened them again. That time it was a little easier. Sarah was still above me. I think she’s crying. Dad, too. I wonder if I should pray or something.
“There,” the nurse’s voice again. “I gave him his pain medicine. I’m going to call the doctor. Mrs. Penner, you can use the call bell if you need me.” I wished that I could remember how to laugh. Sarah must be driving her crazy. I love my sister, but she is a huge pain in the ass. I’m not sure how my brother-in-law stands her.
The heaviness of sleep began to tug at me, and I couldn’t even manage holding my eyes open in a slit any longer. I let them close, and I heard the hushed voices of my father and my sister as sleep pulled me under.
*******
When I finally really woke up, I found out that I’d been in and out of it for four days. Apparently, the day I passed out and Michael called the ambulance, they did an MRI when they got me to the ER. They found out why I’d been so tired lately, having the headaches, and being confused – I had a brain tumor. They took me straight to surgery and removed it. The doctor just came in to tell us it was benign. I guess I should be happy that it was at least not cancer, but I was currently in the midst of feeling sorry for myself.
I can talk, but it’s barely understandable. The words in my head come out of my mouth all jumbled up most of the time. I’ve never been so frustrated in my life. When trying to tell someone that you have to pee becomes an almost insurmountable task, you know you’re fucked. At one point when my sister and father had gone to get something to eat and my nurse wasn’t around, I tried to get up. I managed to get over the side rail and lower my feet to the ground, but the fact that I was tangled up in all the wires wasn’t why I found myself on the floor a few minutes later. My right leg wouldn’t move. I took a step with my left and expected the right to follow. When it didn’t, I went down on my face. I got a lecture from some terrified nurses – and then they got a lecture from my over-bearing sister. My dad did what he usually did in situations like that. He stared at me with those dark, worried eyes and let Sarah take charge. So now, I was relegated to being completely helpless and totally dependent on everyone around me. I hated it and every so often I wished that I had just died.
“Kyle?” I thought about not opening my eyes. I love my sister, but I wish she would just go away and take care of her family. “Kyle, Greg’s here.” My eyes flew open at that. What the fuck is he doing here? My eyes took several long minutes to focus, but I was getting used to that. When they did, I saw the face of the man who used to be my best friend. We were so close that he was like the brother I always wanted and never had. From the time we were little and riding our bikes in circles around the house, right up to the day I walked in and found him in bed with the only woman I had ever loved. At least it was before the tumor and my limbs were coordinated enough to beat the shit out of him. I guess my weakened state gave him a sense of security now.