Chapter Seventeen
KYLE
Amber and I didn’t talk about us. We didn’t talk about Dylan. We just continued on with life as usual for the next two months, except for Friday afternoons when she would schedule me for five o’clock and we’d spend an hour or two after everyone left having wild, incredibly hot sex in the massage room. I was getting stronger and we’d experiment with a different position each time. I liked to think of it as extra therapy. The only one I talked to about it was Greg and, of course, he thought the whole thing was a great idea. I refused to let myself think about what would happen when I finished my therapy in another month – or when Dylan finished rehab. I hadn’t asked her, so I had no idea when that might be.
For now I was happy and for the first time in my life, I allowed myself to do something without considering the repercussions or its effect on my future. I moved back into my loft at the end of the second month after my surgery, against Sarah’s wishes. I was used to doing things my sister disapproved of, though, so that was okay. Dad was supportive. I got a full nod out of him when I mentioned it.
I walk with a cane now and I’m much steadier on my feet. Michael handed over the new account to me, and I worked from home for now on the designs for the new building the company wanted. If these kept going well, I’ll go back to the office after I finish my therapy. As it is now, I communicate with the owner via Skype and I keep myself so busy that most of the time, Sarah doesn’t even have time to nag me about anything. I honestly think if life stayed this way forever, I could live with it just fine – for the most part.
This morning as I worked on my computer, I got a call that just might change the course of all of that.
“Hi, Kyle, this is Brenda from Dr. Grant’s office.”
“Hi, Brenda, what’s up?”
“Dr. Grant would like to know if you can come into the office this afternoon.”
“This afternoon? Okay…can you tell me what this is about?” After my surgery, I saw them once a week for a while, but after they took out the staples, I only had to go in once a month for my scans. The doctor told me that with all tumors there was a possibility of re-occurrence. He said if they got it all during surgery there was less of a chance, but when he removed mine there was a small part that had attached itself to too many nerve endings and blood vessels to safely remove. We did the scans routinely just to make sure it wasn’t growing. My first scan had been all clear last month. I had the second one yesterday. Her asking me to come in today freaked me out a little bit.
“The doctor wants to talk to you, Kyle.” I had figured she wouldn’t tell me anything on the phone, but it was worth a shot.
With a resigned sigh I said, “Okay, what time?” I still wasn’t allowed to drive. Although my coordination was a hell of a lot better than it was, it still wasn’t quite up to par.
“How is one o’clock?” I looked at the clock. It was ten now.
“Okay, that will work.” I hung up and called Greg. “Hey are you busy this afternoon?”
“Yeah, man, I’m sorry. I have a new client and I have to meet with her about doing some cabinets for her kitchen. Is everything okay?” I guess he could hear the anxiety in my voice. I hadn’t let myself think of the possibility of it returning – until now. I was trying to keep from completely freaking out by telling myself if it was growing again, I’d have symptoms. I hadn’t had a headache in over a month and everything else was great. There must be another reason he wants to see me.
“Yeah, it’s fine. I just have a doctor’s appointment, but I’m sure Sarah will take me. If not, I can take a cab or Uber.”
“Are you sure? I can try to reschedule…”
“Nah, don’t do that. I’ll find a ride. Thanks, man.”
I hung up and waited a beat before I pressed Sarah’s number. I really didn’t want to ask her. She took me for my scan yesterday, so her imagination would go wild when I told her they wanted to see me today. I changed my mind about calling her and I was about to just schedule an Uber when the phone rang. It was Amber. I stared at it for a few moments and wondered why she was calling me. She never called me, and I never called her. Like I said, we had our Friday afternoon trysts and that was it...if you didn’t count the hundred times a day I thought about her…and the dreams…
“Hello?”
“Hi, Kyle.”
“Hey, beautiful, what’s up?” her voice sounded serious.
“I thought I should let you know… Dylan’s being discharged today.”
I hesitated. I wanted to be very careful what I said here. I wanted to say, Screw him, who cares, move in with me, I love you…shit! Finally, I went with, “So…what does this mean for us?”
She sounded like she might be crying as she said, “I don’t know yet. He’s clean and he has been for two months now. He did everything I asked him to do. I, on the other hand, did not. I’m so torn here, Kyle. I feel like I owe him something…and I feel like I owe you, too.”
She “owes” me something? What the fuck is that? Is that all this is to her? “You don’t owe me anything.” That came out in a harsher tone than I had planned, but suddenly, my insides were in turmoil.
“That’s not what I meant. I feel like… I don’t want to lose you, Kyle. But the deal I made with Dylan was if he did this, we’d at least try again.”
The anxiety I was feeling just a while ago boiled and turned into a sudden blast of anger. “I’ve spent the last two months pretending, Amber. I pretend that you’re mine and I don’t have to share you with anyone or give you up at the end of this ‘trial’ period you seem to have me on… But this is where the rubber hits the road and you’re the one who has to decide what you want. I’m done pretending, so let me know what it’s going to be.”
“I want you,” she whispered. “But…”
I was over-wrought emotionally. I couldn’t take any more of this. “When you can say that to me without any buts, Amber, call me and if I’m still around, we’ll talk. Until then, I can’t do this. I’m not going to share you with him.”
“I’m not asking anyone to share – and what does that mean…‘if I’m still around?’ Are you okay?”
I hung up. I didn’t owe her an explanation. I didn’t owe her anything. I was pissed and there was no telling what I might say if I stayed on that phone. Apparently, I had bigger fish to fry, anyhow. I called my sister and told her I needed a ride and then I spent the next two and a half hours wondering how a few phone calls could cause the pendulum that controlled my life to swing from one end to the other that quickly.
*******
“Kyle, the radiologist sent over the report on your scan yesterday.” I was in the doctor’s private office. I made Sarah stay in the lobby. That was quite a feat.
“Is the tumor back?”
“It’s growing,” he said. Everything inside of me quivered. “The tissue we left behind has taken hold and has begun to spread.”
Fuck. I sucked in a deep breath. “So, why am I not having symptoms?”
“Because it’s small and it’s just beginning to grow.”
“Can we stop it…or take it out?”
“Well, this one is a little bit different than the one we took out. The tissue was left in there in the first place because of vascularization. That means it was tangled up in your blood vessels and too dangerous for us to try and remove. It’s only gotten more entangled as it’s grown-”
“Why didn’t we see this on the last scan?” I interrupted.
“Like I told you, it’s still small, but it’s growing. In the last scan, it still only looked like residual tissue. So, as I was saying, surgery won’t be an option here. But one very good option we do have is radiation therapy.”
“Like shooting moonbeams into my head?” He laughed. I wasn’t trying to be funny.
“Yeah, like that. We can have you see the radiological oncologist and he’ll talk to you about the options and how many treatments he thinks you’ll need – and a prognosis.”
“Prognosis as in how long I have left to live?”
“Kyle, this tumor is not in a life threatening place – yet. If it continues to grow, there is a chance that it will wrap itself around your brain stem and affect your vital functions such as breathing. So, that’s why we need to make sure we don’t let that happen. You’re very lucky that we caught it so soon.”
Lucky was not how I felt at the moment. Pissed, sorry for myself, scared…I was feeling a lot of things, but not lucky at all.