***
I stood at Rein’s front door for several minutes before I gathered the nerve to knock. I knew what awaited me on the other side. More fucking pity. I didn’t want it. I would never want it. But Bella was inside, and I needed to get to her.
I also needed to sleep.
I felt like I was asleep standing up as I rapped my knuckles on the door. I heard Rein moving on the other side, and seconds later, she yanked it open. She was dressed in a pale blue pajama set and fluffy white slippers. Her hair was down and loosely curled, and it billowed around her shoulders when the door opened and a cool night wind blew in.
“Come in,” she said, stepping aside to make room for me.
I took off my jacket and boots and followed Rein into her living room.
“Bella went to sleep a couple hours ago. She’s okay. A little worried, I guess. She’s a smart kid. She knows something isn’t right.”
I nodded.
Rein stepped in close to me and pinched the hem of my shirt between her thumb and forefinger. She wouldn’t look up at me as she spoke. I was happy for it. Looking her in the eye might make me unravel. “I wish you didn’t have to go through this,” she whispered. “Either of you.”
I stood before her with an ache forming in my chest.
She looked up at me and gave me a warm smile, a smile that lifted the weight from my chest. “Come on. You must be tired. Let’s go lie down.”
She still held the hem of my shirt between her fingers, and she used it to pull me along behind her through the living room and into her bedroom. She went to the bed and pulled the blankets down, revealing an inviting space filled with fluffy pillows. She crawled into her side and patted the empty space beside her.
“Come on. Lay down with me.”
I sat down on the edge of the bed. Every action took so much effort. Rein shimmied up behind me and traced her hands up my back and over my shoulders. She rested her chin on my right shoulder. The warmth of her cheek on my neck was pleasant.
“Will you be able to sleep?” she asked.
“Maybe.”
“Then lie down, Brayden. You’ve been sitting and thinking for hours. You need to rest.” Her hands gently pulled me down, and as soon as my shoulder blades settled into the mattress, the fatigue washed over me in a wave. I sighed as Rein pressed into my side and hooked her leg over mine. She began tracing figure eights on my chest. “Can I tell you something?”
“Sure,” I said as my eyes fell closed of their own volition.
“She was happy,” Rein whispered. “When I went in to talk to her while you were in the kitchen, she told me. She was truly happy. Having you and Bella in her home spared her a loneliness she thought she would have to face. And she forgave you for everything.”
I rested a hand over hers to still her pattern tracing. “She might have. But I don’t. I can’t.”
“After some time passes and the hurt isn’t as bad, you will. I know it sounds untrue, but trust me, you will. And Bella will know she was lucky to have been here when she gets older. Now your mother gets to live on in her granddaughter’s memories. You did everything right, Brayden.”
I didn’t deserve her reassurance. I didn’t deserve her love, either, and I knew that was what this was.
When my eyes started to burn, I lifted a shaking hand to them. If I lost control now, I feared I might never get it back. I had been so good at keeping everything at bay over the years. I’d had no choice. Losing the mother of my child had done a number on me, and I never wanted to feel that kind of grief again. I never wanted to feel alone again.
In time, as Bella got older, it became easier. My little girl banished the bitterness in my heart and filled me with joy, and I knew she was the only reason I had been able to keep going. She was the reason for everything, and she would be what got me through my mother’s death.
“Thank you for staying with Bella,” I said. “I didn’t want her to see.”
“Of course.”
“Do you think she knows?”
Rein shifted around to look up at me and rested her chin on her chest. She hesitated before answering as she considered my question. “Yes, I think she does.”
The burn in my eyes intensified. I rubbed at them with my fingers and took a deep breath. “What do I do now, Rein?”
A single tear escaped and rolled from the corner of my eye into my hairline. She leaned up and kissed my jaw.
“Right now?” she asked softly. “You sleep. You sleep, and when you wake up, you and I can figure this all out together. I can be with you when you tell Bella if you want. Or I can give you space. Just tell me what you need and when you need it, and I will give it to you. But for now, just sleep.”
“Sleep,” I murmured.
She nodded against my chest, her chin digging into my ribs. Her hand resumed tracing patterns across my chest, and I listened to her breathe as I tried to still the raging thoughts racing through my head.
She was right. Everything could wait. For now, I needed to rest. When I woke in the morning, I would need to have a difficult conversation with my daughter, and it would be hard enough, even before factoring in my lack of sleep.
I would just have to take everything in stride like I did before. It was the only way to come out the other side in one piece.