Chapter 24

Rein

When I woke in the morning, my head felt thick and fuzzy. It was because of the crying, I knew. After Brayden had fallen asleep, which surprisingly hadn’t taken long, I’d broken down and slipped out of bed to cry in the bathroom where I wouldn’t risk him waking up and hearing me. It wouldn’t help him to see me grieving.

Arlene was a special person, and she deserved far better than to die a slow painful death. I cried for her and the loss of a friend I wished I had spent more time with, and I also cried for Brayden. My heart was breaking for him. I hated the position he was in. I hated the burden that he was going to have to carry for the next little while. Or forever. I knew the kind of man he was. This was something that would likely plague him forever.

I cried for Bella, too. She had just lost her grandmother. Now Brayden was going to have to sit her down and tell her. I didn’t envy him for that. I wished there was something I could do to make it easier for both of them, but the only thing capable of that was time.

All I could offer in the meantime was my company and maybe my cooking. If he’d have it.

I rolled over to face Brayden and found that I was alone.

I sat up, pulling the covers with me, and I strained my ears to listen for him in the bathroom out in the hall. The house was silent. I yawned and stretched before swinging my legs over the bed, finding my slippers to protect my feet from the cold floor, and making my way out into the living room.

I found him on the sofa curled up on his side with Bella wrapped up in his arms.

I stood behind them and peered down into their peaceful sleeping faces. My heart swelled, and I knew right then and there that he would be okay. In time, they would both be okay.

She was snuggled up tight against him, and her cheek was smooshed against his elbow. A little bit of drool had leaked out of the corner of her mouth to pool on his skin, and her dark hair was in his face. Her little fingers were wrapped around his thumb, which looked huge in contrast to her tiny digits.

One thing was for certain: Brayden was a wonderful father.

I left them to sleep longer on the couch, and I rummaged through my fridge, hopeful that there would be something in there I could use to whip up some breakfast for everyone. I gathered everything together to make some eggs and toast, and I set to work. I brewed a pot of coffee, and as I was pouring the eggs into the pan, I heard Bella and Brayden stirring in the living room. They spoke softly to one another as their footsteps announced their arrival in the kitchen.

“Morning,” I said without looking up from my pan. “I hope you guys are hungry. I’m cooking up a feast.”

“It smells good,” Brayden said. His voice was deep with sleep and a bit raspy.

“There’s coffee in the pot.” I nodded my chin to where he could pour himself a cup, and he went about filling a mug. “I have orange juice, Bella. Would you like a glass?”

“Yes, please,” Bella said sleepily as she slid into one of the chairs around my kitchen table.

“I’ll get it,” Brayden said, grabbing a cup from my cupboard and pouring it halfway full with juice. He brought it to Bella who sipped on it, puckering her lips at the first sour mouthful.

“Did you two sleep okay?” I asked.

Brayden nodded and leaned against the counter beside me. He wrapped his hands around his coffee mug. “Better than expected. That’s for sure.”

“Good. Do either of you want toast with your eggs?”

I put down a piece of bread for each of us in the toaster, and a couple minutes later, we were all sitting at the table digging into our meal of scrambled eggs and toast. I had added some onions, peppers, and cheese to the eggs, and Bella loved them. Brayden ate like it was a chore, rather than something he enjoyed, which I imagined I would be doing too if I had just lost my mother.

I didn’t say anything when I collected our plates. Brayden’s was only half eaten. I scooped it into the garbage can and piled everything into the dishwasher. I kicked it closed with my heel and went back to the table where Bella was finishing up her juice.

“When do we go back to see Grandma?” Bella asked, looking up from her juice.

I looked at Brayden, who stared calmly back at his daughter. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be in the room for this conversation. I decided that if he didn’t dismiss me, I would stay. He might need the support, and it would be selfish of me to leave just because I was uncomfortable.

Brayden reached out and took Bella’s tiny hand. “We’re not going to be able to see Grandma anymore, kiddo. Last night was our last night with her.”

Bella processed his words and tried to piece them together. Her forehead creased as she thought it out, and Brayden waited patiently for her next question. “Did she leave?”

“In a way, yes.”

“Did she go where Mommy went?” Bella didn’t falter when she asked the question. She was calm, poised even, like she understood that life ended as suddenly as it began.

“Yes,” Brayden said.

I chewed the inside of my cheek to distract myself from the conversation and the sadness welling up inside me. She was only a child, and she had already faced so much loss.

“I didn’t get to say goodbye,” Bella said.

“I told her for you, kiddo.”

I stared at Brayden. Was he saying this just to make his daughter feel better, or had he actually said goodbye to his mother on Bella’s behalf? I wouldn’t put it past him. He had learned the hard way how crucial it was to say what needed to be said before time was cut short.

“You did?” Bella asked, a hint of hope touching her voice.

Brayden nodded. “I did. And she said goodbye, too. She loved you with all her heart. She was very happy that she was able to spend so much time with you.”

Bella smiled. “Me too.”

Brayden rubbed the back of her hand then leaned over and kissed the top of her head. “She’s still with us and always will be. When you miss her, we’ll talk about her, okay? That’s the only way to keep her close.”

“Okay.” Bella slid off her chair and went to Brayden. She held her arms out to him, and he picked her up and put her in his lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and he held her to him in a long hug. He buried his face in her shoulder, and I prayed that when they parted, he wouldn’t be crying.

I didn’t think I could bear that.

When they did pull apart, he held Bella in front of him and studied her. I supposed he was making sure she really was alright. There were no tears in his eyes, but his jaw was tight. I could see the wall he was putting up. I could see the way he was guarding himself from his own emotions.

“I love you, Daddy,” Bella said.

“I love you too, kiddo.”

They hugged one more time, and then he put her down.

Bella walked around the back of his chair and came to stand beside me. Then she opened her arms to me the same way she had to her father. I looked up at Brayden. He gave me a tiny smile—a smile that I knew was forced—and nodded.

I picked her up like he had and put her in my lap. She hugged me tightly and didn’t let go for at least a minute. I hugged her back and didn’t let go until she pulled away. Then she got off my lap and excused herself to go to the washroom.

Brayden and I sat quietly together for several minutes. Neither of us wanted to be the one to start speaking.

“Thanks again for everything,” Brayden finally said. “This would be impossible without you.”

“You would have managed.”

“I doubt it.”

“Trust me, you would have. But I’m glad I can be here for you. No one should have to go through this alone. You’re lucky to have Bella, too. She’s an angel.”

“I know,” he said softly. “Can you watch her today? I want to make the funeral arrangements. I want to get this all over with as soon as I can, for her sake.”

“I get it. I can watch her.”

“Thank you doesn’t even cover it anymore.”

I smiled. “Sure it does. It always will.”

I set Brayden up in my bathroom with a fresh towel and managed to find an unopened toothbrush at the very back of one of my drawers. I gave him his privacy, and he remained locked in the bathroom for nearly forty-five minutes. The solitude was probably doing him well. He was about to head out and do one of the hardest things he would ever have to do, and if he needed time alone to prepare himself for that, I more than understood.

While I listened to the shower running, I joined Bella in the living room. She was sitting on my couch and had figured out how to work my television. I plopped down beside her and tucked my legs under myself.

“Looks like it’s just me and you today,” I said as cheerfully as I could manage.

Bella nodded.

She didn’t speak to me for a while. After Brayden got out of the shower, she followed him around the house until he was ready to leave. She said goodbye at the door, and I didn’t intrude on the moment. I stayed on the couch and waited for her to come back.

When she did, it was with heavy footsteps and slumped shoulders. She climbed up onto the couch beside me and stared at her feet instead of the TV, which was playing silly cartoons.

“If you want to talk about anything, we can,” I said. I didn’t want to push her. She was so young, and I was afraid she might shatter, and I wouldn’t be able to put her broken pieces back together before her father came home. He was trusting me to handle this.

Bella looked over at me. She looked terribly sad, but she wasn’t crying.

“Daddy misses Grandma,” she said.

I blinked and stammered until I found my words. “Yes. He does. He loved her very much.”

“I wish he wasn’t sad.”

I shimmied across the sofa cushions so that I was snuggled up beside her, and I wrapped my arm around her. She leaned into me with a heavy sigh—a sigh that sounded far too wise to come out of a four-year-old girl.

“I wish he wasn’t sad, too.” I rubbed her shoulder. “But it won’t last forever. I promise.”

When she looked up at me, she had tears in her eyes, and my heart crumbled. She blinked a couple times, pushing the tears down her cheeks. When she spoke, her voice trembled, but she somehow remained calm. “I don’t want to lose you like we lost Grandma.”

My mind spun a mile a minute as I digested her words. “You won’t, Bella. Everything is going to be okay. I will always be here for you, no matter what. Even if you can’t see me, you can call me anytime. I will always be there to talk to you.”

She nodded once. “Okay.”

I squeezed her shoulder and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I don’t want to lose you, either.”