***
I picked Bella up from school later that afternoon. I stayed in the car and watched her march down the path across the yard toward me. Her pink backpack jostled on her back, and I wondered what sort of craft Mrs. Jasmine had sent her home with this weekend. Something bright and colorful that would get glitter all over my floors, no doubt.
Bella got into the back seat, and I made sure she had buckled herself into her car seat by leaning back and grabbing the belt and buckle.
“How was school, kiddo?” I asked as I righted myself in my seat. Then I pulled away from the curb.
“Good. We tied bows and practiced writing our names.”
I checked my rear-view mirror to look at my daughter without her knowing. She was staring out the window, watching the trees and lampposts of the residential area go by. She looked sad in a disenchanted sort of way, like everything she used to find joy in now offered her no such thing.
“Did you like tying bows and writing your name?”
Bella shrugged without looking away from the window. “It was okay.”
The car was filled with silence for a couple minutes. When I took a right turn on our street, I cleared my throat. “You okay, Bella?”
She looked up, and her eyes met mine in the rear-view mirror. “Have you talked to Rein?” she asked. The question was innocent coming from a child as young as her, but it packed a punch regardless.
“No, kiddo.” I fixed my stare on the road before us. She had asked me the same thing every day after school since we got back to Florida. My answer never changed, but she remained ever hopeful that Rein and I would resume talking. I couldn’t think of anything that would piss Rein off more than hearing from me.
“I miss her,” Bella said, as she said every day.
“Me too.”
“Then why don’t you call her?”
I sighed and tightened my grip on the steering wheel. “It’s not that simple. Rein and I have history. There’s a lot that happened between us that I can’t change.”
“Why?”
I licked my lips. “Because sometimes people make mistakes that don’t deserve to be forgiven.”
Bella was quiet as she mulled over my words. She was a smart girl, and I knew she was trying to make sense of what I was saying. After a few minutes, she continued talking. “Did you make a mistake, Daddy?”
“Yes. More than one.”
“What did you do?”
I scratched my neck as we came to a stop at a red light. I believed in honesty, but I wasn’t sure how best to explain my situation with Rein to Bella. I wanted it to make sense without having to explain the intricacies of our relationship.
“I let Rein believe something about me that was never true. Then I did the same thing to her all over again. I would be a hard person for her to trust.”
Bella scrunched up her nose as she pondered these words. This was even more confusing for her. “I think if you just called her and talked to her, you would be happy.”
“I am happy, kiddo.”
“No, you’re not. You’re sad.” Bella looked out the window. “Everybody is sad.”
Her words bounced around in my skull like a pinball. Was I sad? I wasn’t the kind of guy who ever confronted how he was feeling. I never even really thought about it. That was part of what was so great about my life in Florida. I was so busy with work and making sure Bella had everything she needed that I never had to think about how I was feeling, or what I wanted, or what was missing.
I simply worked, and then when I was done, I worked harder.
Going back to Valdez had ruined that for me. I couldn’t stick my head in the sand anymore and enjoy this routine I had created for myself in a city of sunshine and beaches and nightlife. It didn’t hold the same appeal that it once did.
A place with three restaurants and one grocery store held more appeal for me than Florida did now.
But that wasn’t my life. Not anymore. My life was here with my daughter, running the company that she would inherit and run one day. My legacy.
I parked the car in the garage a few minutes after our conversation died down and then helped Bella out of the back. She walked quietly into the house and went to her bedroom. I decided to give her some space.
I knew she missed Rein terribly. She also missed her grandmother. Everything she knew had been turned upside down.
Maybe I should call Rein and see if she would be willing to talk to Bella on the phone every now and then. I was sure it would be good for her. But it might not be good for Rein. I couldn’t take advantage of her anymore. I couldn’t keep interfering in her life with no intention of sticking around.
I had to move on and forget all about her.
But how could I forget the woman who made me feel whole? She reminded me of who I was, who I used to be, and I felt more present with her than I did with anyone else. She grounded me and kept me sane in a time of complete and utter turmoil in my life. My hardest days somehow held happy memories of lying in bed beside Rein, the smell of her shampoo filling my nose as she laced her fingers between mine to comfort me and to tell me she was there if I needed anything. She had always known that I wasn’t a talker, and she managed to make me feel better without asking me to say anything.
She understood me better than I understood myself.
So had my mother, who had spent her last days pushing me back into the arms of the woman I loved.