Chapter 7: Shannon
Living and working with Joel was both exasperating and enlightening. Not only was I learning a lot about training and horses, but I was learning a lot about him. Even though he didn’t share much, his quiet was not uncomfortable. Sometimes we would talk while we went to sleep and the more I learned about him, the more I found myself falling for him. I hadn’t seen Amber in almost a week, but I didn’t seem to mind too much.
Things got normal with us. We would wake up, go to work, come back to the small bunkhouse and alternate showers. Everything worked in a rhythm. I would make dinner while he took care of the horses for the night and then we ate together. It was the closest thing I had to a boyfriend in a while and it became so familiar.
He never kissed me again though, not once. Sometimes I would catch him looking at me when I wasn’t paying attention with such need, but as soon as he knew I saw him, he would turn away and I was left needing more than just his companionship. Joel was driving me crazy in a way. He made me want him more and more, but I knew that it was just as impossible then as it was now.
That evening I went to bed early. I had caught him staring and the look made my whole body shiver. I took a second shower, only to take care of the needs that I felt. It was almost as disappointing as nothing at all. The only saving grace was that Joel was asleep when I came back out. He was the one that stayed up much later than me, so not having to deal with that embarrassment was a life saver. I looked over at his sleeping form only a few feet away and sighed to myself. Why did I always want the things that I could never have?
***
I woke up to him next to my bed. His eyes were open, but he was not looking down at me. It was strange how he looked, and after a few moments, I got enough wherewithal to say something. “Joel? Are you okay?”
His eyes moved down to mine and he seemed to snap out of it somehow. The rage in his face started to ease to the man I was used to. “Shannon. I’m sorry. I was having a dream or something.”
It wasn’t the first time that I had heard him moaning at night. Joel seemed to have a lot of bad dreams. But it was the first time that he had gotten up. Whatever he was dreaming about, it couldn’t be good. The way he looked down at me in that moment, I couldn’t help but pull him down for a hug. He seemed to need one. “It’s okay Joel.”
He pulled away, but I didn’t release him as easily as I should have. I didn’t want to let go of him. It was what he needed, touch. I stood up and pressed him against me. It felt good and when he started to hug me back, it felt better. Like a great relief, I felt his body sag slightly against mine. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
Pulling back, my arms still around his neck, I looked into his eyes, darkened with the lack of light on. “It’s okay Joel. I am here if you want to talk about it.”
My lips were so close. Close enough that I could just lean in and take another kiss, but I didn’t want the same ending. If he turned me down again, I knew that I would be devastated. I couldn’t handle another rebuke from him, so I started to unwind myself from his neck.
Joel grabbed me around my waist and pulled me to his body. I couldn’t help the shiver I felt in my body as my breasts pressed against his hard chest. He groaned into my mouth as his tongue pressed through my lips. He tasted like I thought he would, manly. My senses were overwhelmed, his body pushing me down onto my bed. His own covered mine, his hips pushing against the thin shorts I was wearing.
My legs wrapped around his waist like my arms wrapped around his neck. I was clinging to him, never wanting the kiss to end. He pulled back and looked down at me. I was panting lightly, my eyes closed. When I opened them, he was in debate with himself. I knew it was about me, but it was the last thing I wanted to do was stop. “Please Joel. Don’t stop.”
My words seemed to bring him from his thought. As soon as our eyes met I knew that he would. Something was holding him back. I didn’t know what it was, but it was enough to keep me needy. I released him and watched him back away. He was going to say he was sorry again, but I refused to let him. “Just don’t. I get it, okay.”
***
I didn’t get it though and the next morning, I really didn’t get it. Instead of starting out talking about our day, he wanted to talk about hiring more people in to start on construction. “I think we need to get the other bunkhouse going, ASAP. There is no telling how long it will take, so we might as well start it soon.”
I was quiet for a time. I didn’t know why he was being so chatty. It was one of the times that I wish he didn’t have to talk so much. Why couldn’t he just shut up? Half the time I wanted him to talk and when he finally did, he didn’t have anything good to say.
“Joel, do you really think that you need another bunkhouse here with only 5 spots in the stable? You are going to have more people than horses. If the arrangement is not working for you, I can just ride up here in the mornings and move back down to the ranch.”
I got up not waiting for an answer. I too would like a spot to get the hell away from him from time to time, but I knew that I didn’t want to leave. It was the very last thing I wanted. Even though he drove me crazy on a daily basis, I wouldn’t have changed it. Now, I was starting to think that I was the one that had fallen too hard and too fast. Now he didn’t want to even be around me and I had to turn the water on to hide the sound welling up in the back of my throat. Why couldn’t he see what he was doing to me?
And if he could, was that why he wanted to put more space between us? So that he could let me down easily?
I didn’t know the answer, but it helped me to calm down. I was not the type to feel this way and I tried to calm myself. I moved to the sink and turned on the water, splashing the cool liquid on my face. I rubbed my eyes and looked at myself in the mirror. I had to get it together.
Moving to open the medicine cabinet looking for some Tylenol, I noticed several prescription bottles that were not there before. I turned them around to read the labels and they were Joel’s. I didn’t recognize the name of the medicine, but I made a note to find out what they were for. It was nothing but secrets with the two of us.
“Shannon, are you okay?”
I shut the medicine cabinet as quietly as I could and walked out towards his voice. “Yeah I am fine. You are right, another bunkhouse would make things easier. I don’t mind moving back to the ranch. I think you are right, it would be for the best.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, I do.”