“You can’t keep moping around the house brother. It has been almost a week now.”
Paul just shrugged. It had been a week since she had left and he had heard from her. He knew that she was gone and that he probably wouldn’t see her again, but he didn’t care. What he cared about was her and a life that he had for so long found fulfilling was no longer so. He was empty. Part of him knew that he was never going to get back what he lost.
Katie had just become like some figment to his imagination. She was a dream that came true, but only for one night and even though Scott knew that, he hated to see his brother that way. Scott decided if that is what love was, then maybe he was better off not feeling it after all.
“I have never seen you like this before. Why are you acting like this is the first time you have had a break-up?”
“We didn’t break-up Scott. She was never mine to begin with.”
Scott just shook his head, not sure what to say to Paul to make him feel better. He knew that he had to get it together. He hadn’t shaved in several days and he hadn’t even taken his horse out to walk since then. Colt was getting as irritated at him as Scott was. But he didn’t know how to change the feelings in his heart.
“Then why are you moping around here like you lost your prom date?”
“Because I love her.”
It was the first time that Paul had said it in his head, let alone out loud. He did love her and though he knew it was wrong to, only going to hurt him in the end, she was the type of woman that you couldn’t help but love. Katie had something inside of her that brought out the best in him and though she was gone, it was impossible for Paul to just forget about her. He didn’t want to forget about her and what they had shared.
Scott didn’t know what to say to make him feel better. He had seen the love between them happening and his own chest had tightened a few times with the idea that he wished that he could find the same love, but now he wasn’t so sure. Paul now seemed to be in a pure painful agony that had no end in sight. How would anyone want what he was going through? “I am sorry Paul. I don’t know what to tell you. You can move on or go get her. Those are your two choices. You can’t just sit here moping.”
Paul just shrugged. His brother had no idea what he was going through. How could he? He had never been in love and he was sure if he had ever been, he would give better advice than to shake it off. “I can’t help it. She is gone.”
The dark-haired man was sick of hearing it and he left the table with a huff. There was nothing worse than watching someone struggle that had no desire to fix the situation. “Fine Paul, just sit there and mope then. One of us has to go feed the animals.”
“I am going Scott. Look, I am sorry I have been such a drag. I never felt this way before and I knew that she was going to be leaving and I didn’t want to see her go, but I at least thought that I would get to say goodbye to her.”
“Does it really matter though? I mean you were going to have to end it one way or another. She lives up in New York and we leave here. It is like two different worlds and I know that since Davina did it for Marcel, you think there is a chance, but Davina and Katie are very different.”
Paul had to agree. While he liked his sister in law, she was certainly quite different than Katie. Katie was in the middle of her career and even though it was for her family, she had to be proud of the great strides she had made in it. Paul had done some internet research on her and her family and she had grown her area stores almost double since starting only a few years before. She was VP of her region and there was some talk that figured she would be the one to eventually take over. While Katie wasn’t the oldest in her family, she had the most experience and success and it just seemed natural.
“Yeah Katie is different and I know she is gone forever, but damn it Scott, I just need some time!”
Scott was more surprised by him raising his voice than anything else. His brother was the most mild-mannered out of them all and he didn’t get upset very often. When he did, it was always running far deeper than it looked like on the outside.
“I’m sorry Paul. I don’t know what to say to you, I just want you to get better. It’s not about the work. There are plenty of people to take care of it for a while. Why don’t you take the rest of the week off and find something to do?”
Paul felt guilty almost immediately for yelling at him. It wasn’t in his nature for that very reason. The idea of a couple of days off did sound good though and maybe he was right. He was just burnt out and maybe after a few days away from the ranch, he would have a different perspective.
“I think I will Scott. Sorry I yelled at you, it’s just that Katie did a number on me and I don’t think she meant to, but I don’t know what to do with it. I haven’t really ever felt this way before and I can tell you that I do not like the feeling.”
Scott just nodded, recognizing the brother that he knew so well again. His momentary lapse told Scott that he really did care and he hoped that with his time away, he found a way to get over the redheaded vixen that had made him go crazy.
“So where are you going to go?”
“I don’t know, but I think I am going to get out of here for a little while.”
Scott wanted a better answer, but it looked like he really didn’t know. “Well just be careful and if you need me, just call.”
Paul gave him a pat on the shoulder and then walked up the stairs slowly, trying to forget the last thing that Katie and him had done in his bedroom. He still hadn’t changed his sheets, hoping to keep the lavender perfume on the surface as long as possible. Sighing to himself after smelling his pillow, he knew exactly where he wanted to go. Paul wasn’t going to regret anything. He had to see her, beg her to come back with him or maybe he could give up the ranch and live in the city with her. It was something that he would never want to do, New York a place he would never want to go, but for Katie, he would do anything.
***
He took his first flight to New York later that evening and though he wasn’t afraid of heights, the tin box that could come crashing to earth at any minute was not something that he would have wanted to do again. The seat was too small for his 6 foot 4 frame and rode the several hours there with seemingly, his knees against his chest. What he really wanted was to drive, but he only had a couple of days and it wasn’t enough time. Planes were faster and thus why he was taking one. But he didn’t like it.
There was a moment when he got off the plane that he wanted to kiss the ground, so grateful to feel it underneath his feet. But there was too much going on around him. He had seen New York from the air and it was large and sprawling as far as the eye could see. Seeing it from the street and having all of the towering building all around, was another feelings all together.
Paul instead stood there awestruck. He had always stayed close to home, never seeing a need or reason to venture out into the rest of the world. There now, he was overwhelmed. The buildings were blocking out the sky and it was strange to think that such stark differences could exist on the same world and country. It was like nothing he could have imagined. His mind went to tiny ants and he felt like one amongst the millions of other ones that occupies such a small place on the island.
He was pushed from behind was a stream of people exited the airport to get to the taxi stand. It woke him up from his wonder and it took Paul a minute to decide what to do. There was no way that he was going to find her on his own and since he wasn’t sure where to start, Paul decided that he had to find a place to stay first and then he could worry about finding Katie.
Nothing was as easy as it seemed though and after a couple of hours, he had finally found a motel that sold rooms by the night instead of by the hour and he was sitting on the springy bed. The cost of the room was the cost of a mortgage payment where he was from and Paul had only paid for a couple of nights. The room itself was dank and dingy, nowhere that he would have personally ever imagined would be the best place that he could find in the last couple of hours. It seemed that he had found himself on the wrong side of town, though it all seemed to look the same, concrete, signs and advertising. Paul had never felt so out of place in his life.
He sat there for several minutes, trying to gather his thoughts. It was hard to think, so many sounds of so many people all running around, car horns honking. It was too much almost and he had a desire to leave then. Paul tried to think of why he was there and of Katie. It was easy to remember and relax him, but as soon as he went back out on the street, he was feeling like a caged rat again. How could anyone choose to live in such conditions? Why did Katie like it there, when she seemed so peaceful back home with him?
Paul spent the rest of the day trying to find her and eventually he went back to the roach infested room that he had found to rent. It was depressing to come back to, almost as much so as the fact that he was still no closer to finding her than when he had started out. He had come there with a mindset that he would stay there with her if he had to, but now he knew that he could never live in a place like that.
He knew that he had nothing to offer her in that lifestyle. What would he do there? Paul went back to the room defeated and spent the next several hours listening to the busy city below. It really was the city that never slept and neither did Paul. They had at least something in common.