Chapter 23

Chanel

I walked back and forth in front of the desk in my tiny office and glanced at the screen again.

“Shit,” I grunted, “shit, shit, shit. Come on, Chanel, focus.” I’d spent the last half an hour pacing and messing up every line in the damn presentation. I had to be ready with this by the time the Commander popped in to check on my progress.

I needed to impress or everything I’d worked so hard for would end up a distant dream. A fantasy I’d never fulfill. The trouble was it was so damn hard to concentrate with the memory of Ryan on top of me, my leg pinned back.

The sun had barely risen and I’d already scooted out of my room, because staying in there meant smelling the heady scent of his cologne. And that would equal even less focus on my part.

“Come on, you can do this,” I whispered. I put together the presentation myself, I picked out all the colors and fabrics, I planned every room to a tee. I owed it to myself to succeed, especially with my mother breathing down my neck.

Okay, relax. Start from the top. Don’t think about Ryan and the swirly feelings in your gut. “Yeah, that helps.” I rolled my eyes at myself, then grabbed the lukewarm cup of coffee from the corner of my desk. I slurped some of it back.

I spotted Jameson passing my office door, choked and sprayed coffee over my carpet. “J-Jameson,” I coughed.

The Petty Officer did a double take and returned. “Miss Scott? Did you call me?” A small smile of acknowledgement. I couldn’t help admiring this woman. She had the muscle tone of a panther, and dark skin to match. She was a total stunner, but she kept her professionalism up no matter the situation.

Part of me wanted to believe I could’ve been like her, a member of the Navy, gosh, not the SEALs, and made my father proud. But that wasn’t the choice I made and my dad was probably happy about it, watching over me.

He wouldn’t have liked the thought of me in danger.

“Everything okay?”

I coughed into my fist. “Yeah, sorry. Coffee went down the wrong pipe,” I said.

“Sorry,” Jameson replied, then fumbled in her pocket for a pack of Kleenex. “Here, you’ve got some on your blouse.”

I took it from her and removed a tissue, dabbing at the spot and silently cursing my idiocy. “Thanks. I just wondered if you’d heard anything about the Commander coming to the base. I heard he was supposed to turn up some time this week.”

“Nothing yet, ma’am,” she replied. “Is there anything else?”

I hesitated. “No, I just – what do you make of it?”

“What, ma’am?”

“What happened with Petty Officer Whitmore and Timothy, you know? The civilian.” I didn’t believe Ryan had done it, but I still couldn’t figure out why Jack had.

It was Jameson’s turn to hesitate. She looked back into the hall, then entered my office and shut the door behind her. “That’s a complicated question,” she said. “If I talk to you about this I’d like it to remain between us.”

“Sure, no problem,” I replied. What was I going to do? Run to Ryan and blab everything Jameson had told me? I had some integrity left, thank you very much. “What do you want to say?”

“It’s, well, Whitmore has always had an attitude problem. I was a couple years behind him, but we’re equal rank. What does that tell you?”

“So he didn’t climb ranks fast enough? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Whitmore’s always been friends with the Lieutenant Commander, but once he outstripped Jack in rank things grew complicated. Whitmore hated that his old buddy was above him.”

“Why?” I’d have been happy for Paula if it so happened that she had a successful interior design store that outcompeted mine. That was the mature approach. Healthy competition, friendship. Gosh, if I could figure that out at 19, surely Whitmore could grasp it at 30.

“When they were in training, Whitmore was the popular one. He was the one who broke records and, when they got a break, he was the one who got all the girls. I don’t think the Lieutenant Commander was ever focused on that kind of thing, but Jack was and he thought he was better. He thought he was the best, to be precise.”

“But he wasn’t.”

“No,” Jameson said, bluntly. “He was a showboat and too lazy for his own good. He slacked off and this was the result. The Navy promotes those who serve tirelessly and show their dedication to our country. Whitmore didn’t do either of those things.”

“So you think he’s bitter.”

“Yes, and I think he’d do anything to get back at his old friend for outranking him,” Jameson said, then ran her fingers through her short hair. “Look, the only reason I’m telling you this is because I know you’re involved to some extent.”

I cleared my throat and focused on the current slide up on my laptop screen.

“There are rumors that the Lieutenant Commander might be interested in you, and that’s none of my business, but I figured they were true when I saw the way you reacted to the storm and his late arrival back at base.”

“We’re friends,” I said, and left out the ‘with benefits’ part. “That’s all.”

“Whatever suits you, ma’am. I think it would be remiss of me not to warn you about Jack. He’s going to try something.”

“What? How do you know?”

Jameson shook her head and looked away in a brief moment of uncertainty. “It’s just a feeling. Be safe, Miss Scott.”

“Thank you,” I replied.

Petty Officer Jameson bowed out of the office and shut the door behind her. It gave me the quiet I needed to run over things in my mind. Whether I wanted to or not, I’d developed -

My cell trilled and I jumped on the spot and knocked the empty mug off the edge of my desk. It dropped to the carpet with a thump, but thankfully, didn’t shatter. I picked up my phone, nerves hopping in the center of my chest. But it was just Paula, thank God.

I swiped my finger across the screen. “Hello?” I answered.

“Hey,” Paula said, and she didn’t sound as enthusiastic as usual. “How are you?”

“Let’s just say I’ve been better. How are you?”

“Fine. Bored. Ready to get home and have a glass of wine, then fall asleep watching Desperate Housewives or a rerun of Friends.”

“Sounds like Heaven to me,” I replied. I didn’t want to just dump all my problems on her the minute she called me. It wasn’t fair. “So, how are things at work?”

“Save it,” Paula said, and chuckled to soften the blow. “Listen, we both know why I’m calling you and it’s not to talk about work or my lack of love life.”

“It’s that dry, huh?”

“Like the fucking Sahara Desert, girl. Now, I want to know what’s going on up there,” Paula said, “because apparently everyone in Meek Springs is expected to sign some petition thingie to make the base in the mountain disappear.”

“Yeah, I heard about that. Mom called me.”

“God help you,” Paula said.

“Did you sign it?”

“Hell no, I didn’t sign it. I’m not putting my name to that piece of trash idea. God, the people here are so dumb. Like, they can’t understand that maybe one of the officers was a total dick, not all the officers.”

“It was Whitmore,” I said. “It wasn’t Ryan.”

“What, who practically murdered Timothy? Yeah, I heard. Anyway, I don’t care what these assholes say or do. Do you know, Jerry threatened to egg my apartment if I didn’t sign?” Paula clicked her tongue as if it was the most absurd thing she’d ever heard. “My counteroffer was a kick in the nuts. He shut up real quick.”

“Good.”

“What’s it like up there?” Paula asked.

“Tense. Everyone’s on edge, and this Commander guy is due to show up any day and check on everything. And then I’ll have to give my presentation with Jack right down the hall.”

“God, I sure can pick ‘em, can’t I? Trust me to have wrapped myself around a violent asshole,” Paula said, and sighed so that the phone’s speaker crackled in my ear. “I really dodged a bullet on that one.”

“Yeah.” I sat down behind my desk and stared at the presentation slide, an image of what I planned for the base. “Totally.”

“How are things with you and Lieutenant Commander Dream Boat?”

“I don’t know,” I said, “okay, I guess.”

“Spill.”

I leaned my forehead on the cold wood of the desk and stared at the patch of carpet between my feet. “It’s complicated.”

“How?”

“I think I’m in love with him. Like properly in love with him. Like, he drives me crazy. He makes me –”

“No physical stuff, please, woman. I don’t need to know those details.”

“I wasn’t going to tell you, relax. I was saying that he makes my insides squirm. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before and I know that it’s hopeless,” I said. “I know that if I tell him how I feel he’s going to be freaked. Or worse, it will just be pointless.”

“It’s not pointless.”

“We tried the just physical thing because I didn’t want this to happen, but it happened anyway, and now, I’m pretty sure that I’m going to lose him.”

“What are you talking about?” Paula asked, her frown carrying through to her tone. “Why would you lose him?”

“Because either my mom is going to find a way to pull me away from the base and back to Meek Springs, or something’s going to happen here and it will be over.”

“It sounds like you’re being overdramatic,” Paula said. “There’s no real reason you shouldn’t tell him how you feel.”

“How about the fact that he probably doesn’t feel the same way? Or the fact that it would freak him out? Or the fact that he can’t give me what I need.”

“What do you need?”

“Love? Stability?” Ryan couldn’t offer me those things when he had so much of his own shit to manage. He had an entire base under his command and I cared about my feelings rather than his responsibilities. How selfish.

“He probably can provide those things for you. You just don’t want to believe it. Or you’re using at an excuse to avoid the conversation you should be having with him.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said, “my problems don’t matter in comparison to his.”

“Stop being such a martyr.” Paula huffed out the sentence, but the words still stung. “You’ve got a terrible habit of doing that, Channy. Just chill, okay?”

“I’ll try,” I said. “I’ll try, but I can’t make any promises.”

“Just take the leap for once. Go speak to him, now. You don’t have to say that you’re in love with him, but tell him that you’d like more than just the physical. That you feel you guys might have the potential for something more.”

The very thought of that brought sweat to my skin. I licked my lips. “You know what? Okay, yeah. I’ll give it a shot. What do I have to lose right?” Except for my pride and possibly my sense of self-esteem. “Yeah.”

“Good, you do that. I’ll be here if you need me. Call and tell me how it goes, okay?”

“I will,” I said, “bye, girl.”

“Bye, girl, bye.”

I hung up and stowed the phone in my desk. This was it, alright. If I actually went through with this, everything would change, either for good or bad. I’d waited long enough. I had to grow a pair of ovaries and do it before I chickened out.

I undid the top button of my blouse, checked my bra, then headed out.