Chapter 10

Melissa

The ceiling fan whirred. Round and round and round, blades blending together until they formed one continuous circle. I watched, my eyes trying to track the movement in the dark while Donnie's snoring form twitched beside me. He was having a dream, I supposed. He'd been asleep for at least half an hour now, yet I'd been in bed for over two hours and still couldn't drift away.

I should have been exhausted. Dealing with Donnie was exhausting, and crying always made me sleepy, but something like electricity coursed through my veins. I knew exactly why, too.

Jack.

It was a simple, unassuming name, but he was far from a simple, unassuming guy. He embodied strength and dignity. He was good and righteous. He was a little cheeky, too. Probably more than a little, though I didn't know him well enough to really say. I found myself wishing I did.

Where was he now? Was he okay? These thoughts had been swirling relentlessly in my head since the second I laid it down on this pillow. I pretended to be asleep when Donnie came to bed, especially when he tried to initiate sex again, but let my eyes drift open once his rumbling snoring started up on the other side of the bed.

I doubted I'd be getting any sleep tonight. I doubted I'd be getting any peace either, and I knew it wasn't just Jack I had to blame for that.

What was I doing? The man sleeping beside me was a monster. He was cruel and spiteful and mean, but something was keeping me here and I couldn't quite figure it out. It wasn't just fear, either. That would be too simple. The fear was a driving factor every time I backed down from him, but it never lasted for long. I wasn't used to being afraid of things, and being afraid of people seemed almost ridiculous when I'd spent so much of my childhood learning to defend myself mentally and physically from anyone who might want to harm me. I had too many walls to hide behind, too many places I could retreat if things became too much for me to handle. Even Donnie couldn't get me there.

I had a long history of cutting people out of my life like ripping a square from a quilt if I felt it was what I needed to do to survive. Donnie was the only person who had gotten close enough to hurt me in a very long time, and the fact that I let him keep hurting me was mind boggling.

True, I was scared of more than just his anger. I was scared of what might happen to me in this town without him. I would lose my home. Would I lose my job too? I was scared of being broke and destitute, of sliding back into the chaos I'd risen from. Then again, I'd only risen with his help. I guess part of me felt like I owed him for that, and this was how I could repay my debt.

I turned onto my side, away from Donnie, and squeezed my eyes shut until bright colors danced across the backs of my lids.

It wasn't right.

I knew it wasn't right. I'd always known. But knowing something and acting on it are two very different things, and for all my strength I wondered if this was one thing I'd never be able to wrestle with and win.

I needed a distraction, and I couldn't bear wondering about Jack anymore. Quietly, and so slowly that I could practically hear my joints creaking, I rose from the bed and tiptoed into the ensuite with my phone.

Once in the bathroom, I closed the door and sank down to the tile. I shot off a text message to Naomi, asking her if Jack was okay. It was just past three, which meant she'd be on her way home from closing up.

My phone buzzed and I cursed inwardly, flipping it onto silent and listening for movement from the bedroom before daring to open the text.

He's fine. Just dropped him off at the Greyhound.

My heart began to hammer in my chest and I texted her back.

He's leaving??

What was I expecting? He wasn't from here, and the Cannon locals had made it obvious how unwelcome he was. Still, the thought of never getting to see him again struck a chord in me. I ached, knowing that from now on out my gallant hero would forever be a memory and nothing more. This experience would fade away and I would forget how good it felt to have someone stand up for me, even though I always thought I preferred to stand up for myself.

Naomi texted back a minute later.

Took some convincing on my part. Be careful with Donnie, okay babe? Let me know if you need anything.

I stared at my phone, rereading her first sentence over and over again. So Jack hadn't immediately dashed for the nearest exit when he came to. What did that mean? Did he want to stay because he wanted revenge? Maybe he just wanted to rest for the night. But maybe, just maybe, he had wanted to stay because of me. The thought filled me with such warmth that for a moment I forgot the bitter reality of my situation and indulged in fancy instead. I imagined what might have been if Donnie hadn’t been there. The flirty conversation we might have had, how his visit could have been an entertaining little aside in the endless tedium of Cannon life.

Then reality kicked back in, and I remembered I was on the bathroom floor in my boyfriend's house, hiding the fact that I was texting my friend because I didn't want to risk upsetting him again.

The tile was warm still from the day, but I felt a chill creep into my bones. This wasn't right. I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve Donnie.

There was a guy out there who believed in the goodness in me just from meeting me at the bar. He believed I was worth more than the life I'd always told myself I was already overshooting to have, and frankly he made me feel more wanted in the short time of knowing him than I had the entire time I'd been with the guy sleeping in the other room.

So what was I still doing here?

I let my phone fall into my lap and stared into the dark. The panic rising in my throat mixed with the adrenaline in my veins, spurring me to action.

I rose, feeling jittery and jumpy and not entirely sure what to do with myself. It was overwhelming to realize that the life I was living needed to change without knowing how exactly I could accomplish that. The only thing I did know was that I needed to get away from Donnie and I needed to do it now.

I crept back out into the bedroom. My heart drummed on my ribcage so loud I thought it might wake Donnie, but he was a sound sleeper. Especially when he'd been drinking.

I worked slowly and quietly in the dark, gathering my purse and a pair of shoes but deciding not to risk getting changed. It was a warm night and I didn’t want to waste time if Jack’s bus could come at any moment. My pajamas would have to do.

My blood sang in my ears as I made my way down the silent hallway toward the front door. I carried shoes in my hand, my bare feet soundless against the hardwood. Each step could be the one that betrayed me, the one that found a squeaky floorboard and magically roused Donnie from his drunken slumber. How would I explain myself if he caught me? I was too far to go back now. I couldn't pretend that I'd only been stepping out for some air, nor did I want to. I would have to face him and all of his anger if he woke up, and that thought terrified me more than the thought of making it on my own ever had.

Still, I didn't stop. I made it all the way to the end of the hall and stared at the front door, gulping down a knot of tension in my throat.

The door would not be quiet. I was tempted to climb out a window rather than risk the door’s squeaky hinges, but I refused to let Donnie have control over me even while I was leaving him. If the door woke him, at least I'd be outside and halfway to town before he realized what happened.

I reached for the handle, turning it and wincing as it squeaked in protest. I stilled and listened for sounds of movement from inside the house but thankfully heard nothing. Then, with agonizing slowness, I stepped out onto the deck and closed the door behind me.

Now all I had to do was get in my car and drive away. Simple. Minus the fact that Donnie would almost certainly hear the sound of my little Toyota thrumming to life.

No fear.

No looking back.

No hesitation.

I didn't put on my shoes until I was inside my car and the doors were locked. It was still dark in the house and that allowed me to relax just a little. With a shaky hand I turned my key in the ignition and stared hard at the bedroom window.

It stayed dark. If Donnie had woken, he hadn't turned on any lights. Not yet, anyway. I started backing down the driveway, and without even glancing back in the rearview I headed off in the direction of the bus station.

I felt weight drop from my shoulders with turn of the wheel. The further I got from Donnie, the better I felt, and after about a mile I rolled down the window and let the warm air blast against my smiling face.

I'd done it! I'd left Donnie!

Sort of.

He probably didn't know I'd left him yet, and that would be its own set of problems once he found out, but the important thing was that I'd made the first move in my new life. Everything I did from here on out would be my choice, and that realization was so liberating that I indulged in a crow of delirious laughter.

I didn't know what I was going to do when I saw Jack again, or why I was seeking him out in the first place. I just knew that I couldn't let him disappear from my life—even if all I got to do was thank him before he went on his way.

I arrived at the bus station and parked near the ticketing office, dashing out to the waiting area with a hopeful smile.

There was nobody there.

I looked around in a panic, only to see a lone bus pulling out from one of the bays, and realized that my only shot at seeing Jack again was about to roll away before my eyes.

"Wait!" I called, waving my hands in the air and sprinting after the bus. "Stop!"

The bus only accelerated, belching out a thick cloud of smoke as it turned onto the main road.

"No!" I kept running. My feet ached from my long shift but I couldn't stop. Not when I was this close. Not when I'd tried so hard.

I couldn't even see his face through the darkened windows, only the reflection of the desolate bus station as the bus roared off toward destinations unknown, carrying my gorgeous fighter with it.