Ginny
2000, Fort Lauderdale (After the Execution)
I don’t remember how long I sat in the tub that night, crying my eyes out. I wavered between anger, self-pity, and copious amounts of guilt. I let the tears flow along with the water that filled the tub until my eyes ran dry.
I do remember opening the tub plug to let some of the cold water drain away, along with the false bravado I’d shown Carter and myself that morning and whatever love I may have had left for Grizz. I added hot water until the tub reached a comfortable temperature, and began to think about the man who slept just outside the bathroom door.
My tears for Grizz felt like I was betraying Tommy. Guilt seeped in like an unwanted breath of something rancid. But then I had to remind myself I had done nothing wrong. I had fallen in love with two men who’d been engaged in their own secret battle for my heart—never once considering what they were doing to mine.
I instantly thought of the few unmarried friends I had, and how they were always lamenting their unhappy lives as single women. I recalled how many times I’d comforted them with encouraging words like, “You just haven’t found the right one,” and, “He’s right around the corner and he’ll be worth the wait.” I meant those words when I said them, but I had to wonder now—what was worse? Being alone or having your heart truly ripped in half by two real loves? Why couldn’t he really be dead? Then I immediately felt bad for the thought.
I didn’t want Grizz dead. What I wanted was my heart to be dead to him.
“How many times will I have to mourn you?” I whispered.
By the time I finally climbed out of the tub that night, my skin might have been shriveled, but my determination to move past all the lies and deceit and live my life for me was stronger than ever. I was feeling strong as I ripped the bandana from my hair and threw it in the bathroom wastebasket. After getting dressed, I carried the small garbage can to the kitchen and emptied it into the trash compactor.
I was finished.
I woke the next morning to sun streaming through the bedroom windows and the enticing scent of coffee. It floated up the stairs, and the assault on my nostrils gave me an instant onslaught of energy as well as the confidence to confront something that I'd been putting off. I threw off the covers and bounded down the stairs noticing that both kids’ bedroom doors were still closed. They’d both gotten home late after spending the evening with friends and would no doubt be sleeping in.
Tommy was sitting at the kitchen table reading the Saturday newspaper. He smiled at me, the memory of last night’s lovemaking still lingering in his eyes. His smile started to fade, and he peered at me over the top of the paper.
“What is it, Gin? What’s wrong?”
I strode to the coffee pot and grabbed the mug he’d laid out for me. “Absolutely nothing is wrong, Tommy. Nothing at all. Do you want a refill?” I made my way toward him, pot in hand.
“No, I’m good. You look different. What’s up?” he asked me, newspaper forgotten.
“How do you mean? What looks different?” I took the seat beside him.
“I don’t know. You look like you want to jump into a boxing ring with somebody. What’s going on?”
I smiled at him. He knew me so well.
“You’re right. I’m feeling determined. But I’m not looking for a fight. What I am is ready to handle something I’ve been putting off.” I gave him a look that dared him to challenge me. But he didn't.
He sat up straighter in the hard kitchen chair. Why were kitchen chairs always hard and uninviting? I always thought of the kitchen as the heart of the family. We rarely ate in the formal dining room. The chairs surrounding that table were plush and comfortable, yet we hadn’t used them since we’d returned home from our honeymoon several weeks ago. I’ll swap out these ridiculously hard chairs for the comfortable ones in the dining room—formality be darned.
“I thought cleaning out Carter’s garage was something big you wanted to tackle. You just handled that yesterday. What is it you think you need to do now?”
I took a sip of my coffee and leaned toward him, giving him a serious look.
“I’ve respected your time with Mimi. I’ve been waiting for you to tell me something - anything about your time together. You haven’t told me a thing, and obviously, she hasn’t either. I’ve been biting my tongue and trying to give you the time I think you two need. I mean, we are going to drop a bomb on her about you not being her biological father. And I think we both know she’ll want to know who he is. So I want you to tell me what you’ve talked about with her.”
“Do we need to talk about this now?” Tommy whispered. “The kids are upstairs.”
“They were both up late, and they sleep like the dead.” I folded my arms. I wanted to hash this out. It had gone unresolved long enough.
Tommy shifted uncomfortably in the already uncomfortable chair. I knew I’d struck a nerve, but I was ready to have this conversation. Ready to discuss Grizz with Mimi. Finding out he was alive only made my resolve to put this behind me stronger. The sooner we came clean with Mimi, the quicker we would eventually get to the point of healing and completeness.
“Tell me, Tommy. If you don’t, I’ll just ask her.”
I leaned back in my chair and cradled my mug with both hands. I took another sip, inhaling the fragrant steam, and stared at him over the rim. The hot mist spiraled upward and gave me an almost hazy view of his face as I stared through it. I calmly waited for him to say something.
He sighed heavily and looked away. Folding up the newspaper, he slapped it hard on the table and looked back at me. His face was drawn with a look that could only be described as masked anger.
“She knows, Gin. She already knows I’m not her biological father. She knows Grizz is her father.”
“What?” I struggled to keep my voice low as I sat straight up and set my mug on the table with a loud thud, not caring that the coffee spilled over the sides. “We were going to tell her together! That’s what Perry told us. And even though I haven’t agreed with everything he’s suggested, I do agree with that. What do you mean she already knows? How is that even possible?”
My mind swirled with thoughts of how Mimi could’ve discovered this. Of course, there were people who knew—Carter, Christy, Sarah Jo, Casey. But I was certain none of them would ever discuss this with Mimi, and if she had gone to them, they would’ve immediately come to me.
Tommy set his jaw. “She got into my office safe a few years ago. She was looking for our marriage certificate to make us some kind of special plaque, and apparently she came across the original birth certificate. I guess you never got rid of it.”
I swallowed hard and remembered why that birth certificate had listed Grizz as her father. I’d dreamt he’d been there for her birth. The dream had been so realistic that I’d spent days in a warm haze of the memory. I remembered writing Jason William Talbot on the documents the hospital had me fill out. It wasn’t until he refused to see her that I had her birth certificate changed to reflect Thomas James Dillon as her father. I remembered showing up several times at the jail where Grizz was awaiting his trial, cradling Mimi in my arms.
“What do you mean, I can’t see him?” I’d cried to the deputy at the desk, clutching a newborn Mimi to my chest. “I know you let other inmates have visits with their children!”
The leftover pain from my C-section didn’t come close to the crushing loss in my heart.
“He said not to come back unless you’re alone.” The man’s expression was unreadable.
I did go back alone. I showed up with a picture of her, and I could’ve sworn he had tears in his eyes as he just stared at her sweet, round face.
“She looks like you,” he’d said. “She has your eyes.”
He handed the photo back to me and said, “Don’t come back here, Kit. Ever.”
I bristled at the pain that memory dredged up. I never saw him again before his trial, but I did make a couple of trips to the maximum-security prison in northern Florida where he was sentenced to wait out his execution. After about a year, he told me to stop visiting him. I mourned him even harder then. I’d tried to tell myself he was no longer the man I’d fallen in love with. He’d even changed his appearance by then. His long blond locks had been shaved off, and a full, almost scruffy beard replaced the smooth chin I was used to. He wasn’t the same Grizz.
Now, sitting in my sunny kitchen, I shook off the memory and gazed at Tommy in disbelief.
“She’s known all along? She knew that he was her father last year when they found Moe’s remains and we sat her down to tell her a little about our past?” I looked down at my lap, my voice cracking. “She’s known and never once told us or asked us anything?”
I swept a hand through my long hair, forced myself to breathe. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“She wanted to tell you, Gin. We’ve been talking about ways for her to bring it up. She begged me to let her be the one. What was I supposed to do? Tell her no and then come running to you and sever any trust she may have started to feel?”
He sat back, and the reality of what he’d said sunk in.
“Another thing you had to keep from me?” My voice rose.
“Dammit, Ginny, look at it from my viewpoint.” He lowered his voice and chanced a glance toward the living room and the staircase landing. “The daughter I’ve raised—the child I’ve loved as my own since the day she was born, was spilling her heart. How hurt she’d been by us keeping the truth from her. Then finding out who her biological father was. And he wasn’t just ‘some guy.’ He was some guy on fucking death row, Ginny.”
I bristled at Tommy’s language and looked away as the truth washed over me.
“Look, Gin. Grizz has been dead for months, and Mimi just told me two weeks ago, okay? I haven’t told you for two weeks. It’s not like you weren’t dealing with other things. Having to get rid of the cars and bikes and all of his shit. She wanted to tell you. I had to give her that. Can you please, please just give me a break here?”
I looked at him, saw the desperation in his expression. I could understand where he was coming from. I thought about my attempts at trying to get close to my daughter and the rejection I’d felt. He was making progress with Mimi. To betray her confidence would certainly unravel that. I had to be the mature one here. I had to swallow my anger and pride and let this play out in a way that would be best for Mimi.
At least now I knew why she’d pulled away from us all those years ago.
Tommy’s voice brought me out of my thoughts. “She also told me about Leslie.”
“What about Leslie?” I asked, my voice skeptical.
“Leslie approached Mimi before she came to you. She used Mimi to not only help her get the interview with you but the one with Grizz, too. He mentioned it to me before his execution. I wanted to ask Mimi about it before I told you. And with everything that's been going on since he died, it just never seemed like the right time.”
I jumped up from the table, my quick action startling Tommy. He sat back and looked at me, unsure of what I would do next. And he should be because I was furious.
With my hands balled into tight fists, I screamed at the top of my lungs, “Miiiimmmmiiiii!! Get. Down. Here. Now.”
Tommy jumped up too, almost knocking over the chair he sat on.
“What are you doing, Ginny? Stop screaming and let’s talk about this,” he stage whispered so Mimi wouldn’t hear him.
My breathing was heavy, and I was thrumming with fury. I was too angry to care that I wasn’t behaving maturely, and as far as ruining what little trust Tommy had been building with Mimi? Well, let’s just say I think everyone has a breaking point. I’d just reached mine, and I wasn’t going to apologize for it.
I heard the unmistakable thump of someone coming down the stairs. I was surprised when a sleepy Mimi rounded the corner. I guess the tone in my voice or the rarity of this type of outburst had aroused her curiosity. She looked at me, then Tommy, then back to me.
With my arms crossed over my chest, I addressed them both.
“I’m getting a shower. You, Mimi, have twenty minutes to eat some breakfast and get some clothes on.” I looked hard at Tommy. “You can get both of my guns out of the safe. I’m taking Mimi to the shooting range. Time to have a little heart-to-heart with my daughter.”
I looked back at Mimi and saw the surprise on her face. She was staring at me as if seeing me for the first time. My mild exterior had been peeled away. She was seeing a different mother than the one she was used to. Witnessing the strength beneath the softness. If she had gotten into the safe and found her birth certificate, then she’d seen those guns and probably thought they were Tommy’s. She’d been wrong.
I started to walk out of the kitchen but turned around and faced them both. Giving Tommy a level look, I said, “Secrets have almost ruined my life. I won’t let them ruin our children’s, Tommy.”
I was raw, and I was angry, and I was mad.
I then addressed my daughter. “Your biological father made sure I learned how to protect myself. Those are my guns, and I’m sure you saw them when you got into the safe a few years ago. Think you can handle some truths?”
She looked at Tommy, then back at me. With a defiant tilt to her chin that I recognized as my own, she said, “Yeah, I can handle the truth.” She paused then and seemed to rethink her answer. Her bravado restored, her posture changed. “I already know everything, anyway.”
I cocked my head, gave her a serious look. “You don’t know anything, sweetheart. You don’t know a darn thing.”
I could hear Tommy’s voice follow me up the stairs.
“Gin, Perry said we should do this when we’re all together. You need to calm down. We’ll talk about this in his office.”
I’d felt we’d made some progress with Perry, but I was ready to be done. I didn’t want someone telling me the right or wrong way to handle my life. We’d started out with good intentions, but if I let myself think about it, I really didn’t care for Perry. There was something smug and condescending about his personality. Yeah, I wouldn’t be seeing Perry again.
“I’m finished with Perry, Tommy. He’s stretching this out. The more times we visit his office, the bigger his piggy bank gets.”
“He told us we need to wait, Ginny!” Tommy yelled.
“And I’m telling you I’m tired of being told what I can and can’t do. And besides, it’s too late. The cat is out of the bag.” I didn’t give him a chance to reply as I quickly added, “And Perry can kiss my ass.”
As I flounced up the stairs, giving Jason a pat on his head as he made his way down, I could hear Mimi ask Tommy, “Did Mom just cuss?”