Ginny
2001, Fort Lauderdale
Two weeks later, I found myself standing at his front door mentally kicking myself in the butt for being so weak.
I’d purposely picked a day in the middle of the week and a time I knew he’d be at work. I just wanted to stand there. To see if I could identify what I was feeling.
The emotional rollercoaster I’d been riding had been too much. I needed to resolve things in my head. I needed to see him. To confront my feelings. I couldn’t even identify what they were, but they were there. My heart insisted this was the only way to move on from Grizz. And that’s what I wanted, right?
I would come to learn my heart was even a worse liar than I was. I looked down at my feet and whispered, “You might’ve been right, Tommy.”
The sound of a low-flying plane overhead and the continuous droning of insects did little to distract me as I tried to imagine how I’d feel if he were actually at home. Would I be happy to see him? Would I be angry, mad, accusatory? Would I puff myself up as I convinced myself I was feeling righteous anger? God spoke to me then. Not out loud. I never hear an actual voice, but I do know when my thoughts are from Him.
I knew then that I would come back to talk to Grizz. For in the moment I heard God, I’d felt instant shame about the way I’d treated Grizz. I could convince myself all day long that I had a right to treat him the way I had, that he didn’t deserve my forgiveness. But even Jesus asked God to forgive those who were persecuting and torturing him. “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.”
At that moment, I knew I would be able to have a calm and adult discussion with Grizz, not one laced with an unforgiving attitude and resentment. Yes, I could and would forgive Grizz. I would come back and talk to him.
A peace fell over me then, and I turned my face heavenward.
“Thank you for the gift of knowing Your peace, Father. Thank you for showing me this in Your time,” I whispered.
Just then, the front door flew open and Grizz came barreling out, almost knocking me over. And just like that, my heart did a flip-flop.
“Kit...uh, Ginny!” He grabbed me roughly by my arms, his eyes wide with surprise. “I didn’t see you. What are you doing here, honey?”
I started to snap back at him and ask him what he was doing here—he was supposed to be at work! I caught myself just in time.
“I—I didn’t think you were here,” I stammered, staring into his warm, green eyes. “I was just—just trying to see what I was feeling. Kind of practicing to maybe, uh, have a conversation with you.”
He smiled. “I took today off. I have to go to the dentist. I have a tooth that’s killing me. But I’ll cancel the appointment.”
“Thought you didn’t have a phone.” I looked up at him. I wasn’t accusing, just curious.
“I didn’t. Bear gave me one after the last time I saw you so we could communicate for work. Like this morning, I called and told him I had to go to the dentist.”
I remembered how much Grizz had hated the dentist. He must be in some serious pain if he’d called a dentist. I didn’t want him to miss his appointment. I surprised myself by making an offer.
“Let me go with you.”
He looked a bit startled, and I could see him mentally calculating his options. Then he gave me a rueful smile.
“I’d rather invite you into my house, but it hurts bad enough that I’m going to take you up on your offer.”
He locked the deadbolt on his front door and aimed his clicker at the small, detached garage. Before he pressed the button, I said, “I’ll drive you.”
Without giving him time to answer, I headed for my car and got in. He followed and clumsily climbed into the passenger side of my SUV. He was so big that it was awkward for him to settle in. He slid the seat way back so he could ride comfortably.
After telling me where the dentist was located, the car became silent. I decided to fill it with idle chit-chat—questions about his job on the landscaping crew, his neighbors, how he was settling in. I was surprised he’d met some of his neighbors.
“I don’t know the people on my left. Apparently, they only come down from up north in the winter. The couple across the street, can’t think of their names, are too busy with four kids to be friendly, which is fine with me. The family on the right came up from Miami. The parents don’t speak English. They have two kids. The boy is in high school, the daughter is in college. The daughter, Rosa, cleans my house once every two weeks. I think the family behind me just moved in from somewhere out west.”
I cast him a sidelong glance, and he quickly added, “I’m not invited to family barbecues or anything like that. I just try not to be too much of a standoffish prick. I’m the nice widower from up north who goes to work every day and minds his own business.”
“You’re a widower?” I asked, my curiosity piqued.
He then told me about the alias that had been created for him. His new identity came with a family history and all kinds of official documentation.
“Aren’t you tired of it, Grizz?” I blurted, then wanted to eat my words.
But he knew exactly what I was talking about. The aliases and name changes were tiresome. He answered without looking at me.
“More tired than you know, Kitten. And before you give me shit for calling you Kitten, it’s a habit and I’m working on it.”
“Jason wants me to invite you to the house for dinner.” It had started to rain, and I flicked on the windshield wipers.
“No,” he answered a little too quickly. “I…I shouldn’t have come to your house with Mimi. I’m glad I did because I got to meet Jason. He seems like a great kid, Ginny. But I’m sorry I came there because it’s just not a good idea.”
“Tommy told me the story, and he told me you’re free now. They don’t care about you anymore.”
“That’s true or I wouldn’t have made sure you knew I was still alive, but at the same time, I’m still trying to lay low. I know the population has multiplied by leaps and bounds since I went to prison, so blending into a bigger pot is easier therefore making the risk smaller. And my established identity should protect me.”
The rain came down harder now, and I switched the wipers to maximum speed.
“But there’s always that small chance that someone might recognize me. And maybe they’ll tell themselves it’s impossible because I’m supposed to be dead. But if someone thinks they recognize me and sees me with you—well, I just think it would cause them to think twice. I probably shouldn’t have accepted your offer to come to the dentist with me, but I can’t help it, Kit...Ginny.”
I could feel his eyes on me. I wouldn’t look over at him but stared straight ahead.
“You’ve always been my addiction.” He didn’t have to compete with the pounding rain. His voice was deep and clear and his next statement seared my soul.
“I can’t see myself ever saying no to you. I love you, Ginny. I never stopped loving you for one single second. Ever.”
Thwip, thwap, thwip, thwap. The windshield wipers were slamming back and forth, and their desperation to keep up with the pelting rain matched the rhythm of my heartbeat.
“How many people actually know?” I chanced a look at him. “Other than me, Mimi, Carter, Bill, and Anthony?”
“That’s it. Anthony may have told Christy, but I’m not worried about that.”
I nodded, then bit my lip.
“Grizz, why the bandana? Seems like such an old-fashioned way to handle things. I could’ve just said something to Carter. It would have been far easier.”
“It was something I put in place back in 1985, after I was arrested. Didn’t see any need to change things up. She always had a way to get in touch with me.”
I asked him a little more then, delving into his relationship with Carter and Bill. He answered everything casually and without hesitation. Finally, the curiosity I denied having got the best of me.
"How? How did you pull off a fake execution?" I blurted out. "I mean, I understand that this group is supposed to be powerful, but faking a death?"
"I almost didn't pull it off. I'm pretty sure I really did die on that table. I came around in the morgue where their doctors were working on me," he answered, his voice even.
I shuddered at the thought of waking up in a morgue. "But, couldn't they have still had you killed after you gave them their stuff back?" I gave him a sideways glance.
"Yes, they could have, Kit, and nobody would've been the wiser."
"But, they didn't, Grizz. Why didn't they?"
"Only two possibilities come to mind. They don't care anymore or someone has been watching out for me. I'll probably never know for sure."
I could tell by the tone of his voice that the subject was closed and I was secretly relieved.
Finally, we arrived at the dentist. The dentist’s office was in a medical building that shared the same corner as a large shopping outlet. They were so common now in Florida. Developers had to make the best use of every space. You could pull into one complex and do your grocery shopping, eat, have a manicure, and see your chiropractor all in one visit. I lucked out and found a spot right up front.
“I think you should wait in the car, Ginny. Just to be safe. If you don’t want to, I can get a cab home.”
I agreed with him about not going in and told him I didn’t mind waiting. He gave me a smile that made my toes tingle. My toes didn’t tingle when Alec held my hand or kissed me. Stop it, Ginny!
I passed the time by playing with my cell phone. I still wasn’t used to all the things the kids told me I could do with it. I was trying to check my data usage and figure out how to pick ringtones when I looked up.
I’d noticed a small car kept circling the medical building. It had a handicapped sticker hanging from the rearview mirror. A quick glance told me all the handicapped spots were taken. I should pull out and let them have this spot. I waited until I saw them come around for the umpteenth time, and I started to back up slowly. I saw them stop and put on their blinker. I drove to the farthest spot and backed into a space so I would be facing the dentist when Grizz came out. I was glad the rain had stopped. The couple took forever to get out of their car and make their way up to the sidewalk.
I wasn’t sure how much time passed when something caused me to look up from my phone. I knew he’d come out. I couldn’t explain it, but somehow I felt Grizz. I think I always had.
I started the car and watched as he casually walked down the sidewalk. He crossed over to the next building and strode past a deli, hair salon, and sportswear store. He appeared to be looking for something. He wasn’t looking out into the parking lot at the cars. He wasn’t looking for me.
I finally caught up with him and lightly tapped my horn. Without missing a beat, he came toward my car and got in.
“Thought you left.” He didn’t sound mad or hurt, just stating a fact.
“I gave up my spot for a couple that needed it. How’d it go in there?”
“He fixed me up. I don’t need to go back.”
“What were you doing? You looked like you were looking for something or someone.”
“I thought you left so I was going to call a cab. But I left the phone Anthony gave me at home.”
“So what were you doing?”
“I was looking for a fucking phone booth!”
I gave him a half-smile. “Phone booths have become an endangered species.”
“A lot of shit has changed since I’ve been gone,” he said matter-of-factly.
“A lot of things have changed,” I said. “But I can see your use of profanity isn’t one of them.”
“You don’t survive in prison for fifteen years saying ‘intercourse’ and ‘poop.’”
Just hearing him say the words intercourse and poop sounded comical. As much as I disliked the use of profanity, I couldn’t help myself. I smiled at the thought of him using the alternatives.
He asked if I would come into the house after I dropped him off. But I shook my head. Not only was it probably not a good idea to let myself be alone with him, but I also wanted to be at the bus stop when Jason got off. I told Grizz Jason had been getting in fights in school, and one bully in particular rode his bus. Grizz seemed interested and asked me to elaborate.
“It has to do with Tommy,” I said. “Everyone was so nice and understanding after Tommy died, but there’s always that one person that sees someone’s pain as a way to manipulate and make themselves feel better. In this case, it’s a kid named Corbin. He’s been awful to Jason recently. I don’t know why or where it’s coming from, but he’s said some hurtful things.”
“Like what?” Grizz frowned.
“The last thing that got Jason upset was that Tommy was stupid to have gotten himself killed. That if it was Corbin’s father, he would’ve been smart enough to hide, and if he did try to stop the shooter, he wouldn’t have been dumb enough to get shot.”
“So what happened? Jason clocked him?”
“No! Tommy and I have taught Jason to turn the other cheek, to ignore bullies and only fight back if there’s no other choice.” I could sense Grizz rolling his eyes as I kept mine on the road in front of me. “It actually bothered Corbin that Jason wasn’t reacting to the taunts, so he started getting physical. Of course, Jason fought back. He’s sporting a black eye, but it’s nothing compared to his bruised heart. To have to go through the loss of his father and be teased about it? It’s been really hard for him.”
I wasn’t going to tell Grizz about the other emotional blow Jason had suffered. One that had come from Alec. It explained why Alec had gone back to being just a friend after that walk on the docks so many weeks ago.
Jason had been visiting Alec’s boys. They’d been playing in the back yard when he went inside to use the bathroom. Apparently, Alec’s estranged wife, Paulina, had stopped by, and Jason overhead a conversation he shouldn’t have. I’d noticed a change in Jason’s personality after he came home from that visit, and it took me days to get him to tell me what was wrong—he’d heard Alec and Paulina talking about getting back together. And Paulina had specifically asked Alec to ease off spending so much time with Jason and me.
I’d asked Alec to meet me for a quick dinner one night, and he explained.
“I feel like shit. I had no idea Jason heard us talking or I would’ve talked to you. I probably should’ve talked to you anyway.” He swiped a hand through his hair. “I feel like I need to do it for my boys, Ginny. She wants to try again. She said the lesbian thing was a phase.”
I took a sip of my drink and looked at him over the rim of my glass.
“Is something like that a phase?” I wasn’t being sarcastic. I honestly didn’t know, and apparently, neither did he.
“I don’t know, but Paulina is different now. Sherry may have been good for her in some ways. She’s more positive, energetic, less self-centered. She’s becoming the mother the boys never had, and I can tell it’s not an act. She’s totally immersing herself in them. She asked me if she can move back home.”
“Alec, I know that I have no rights here. I’m happy for you if this is what you want. But can I tell you as my friend to please be careful?”
I’d looked at him warmly, and he reached for my hand across the table.
“I would’ve liked more from you, Ginny. I can’t deny that, and I won’t try to. I think after our lunch down at the docks and that little kiss, I let myself believe there might’ve been a chance. But I didn’t see it in your eyes. I’m right, aren’t I?”
I’d looked away but didn’t pull my hand from his.
“You have been such a good friend, Alec….”
“But?” A small smile played at his lips.
I took a breath. “I feel like we would be forcing it. Like, we need to be a couple because you didn’t have a wife and because I lost my husband and because our sons want to be brothers. And of course, I may not have wanted to let myself think it, but there is an attraction. I don’t think I imagined that. But it’s all too compact. Too neat. Almost too perfect. Does that make sense?”
“Yes.” He nodded. “I see what you’re saying.”
I pulled my hand back and fiddled with the napkin on my lap. I stared at the untouched chicken Caesar salad on my plate, the inviting aroma not enough to make me want to take a bite. My stomach was churning.
“Can I ask you something and ask for your complete honesty?” he asked softly.
“Of course.”
“Does this have anything to do with James?”
I blinked at him, totally taken off guard.
Alec gave an embarrassed smile. “Jason mentioned an old friend of Tommy’s had visited the house. He said he only came by once, but Jason seemed a bit taken with him.”
I let out a sigh of relief. I’d secretly wondered if Grizz had done something to make himself known to Alec. He hadn’t.
“James told Jason some stories about Tommy when he was younger,” I said. “Of course, Jason would be fascinated by him. He wants me to invite him over so he can hear more. I’m sure that’s what it is.”
“Do you want to invite him over?” Alec asked.
I looked at him then as my mind swirled with a myriad of possible answers. In the end, I decided on the truth.
“I honestly don’t know, Alec. I honestly don’t know.”
Now, sitting in Grizz’s driveway, I looked over at him.
“Does Jason know how to defend himself?” Grizz asked. “Did Tommy teach him how to fight?”
“Of course, he taught him how to defend himself. But Jason wasn’t raised in the same environment Tommy was.” I gripped the steering wheel hard. “Tommy didn’t have a lot of reason to practice with him.”
“Can’t say I blame him.”
I was stunned by the admission and looked over at him. Without any prompting from me, Grizz said, “I guess Tommy was afraid he’d be making the kid into me. Probably scared to tap into that gene. Like I said, I can’t blame him. He was probably worried the apple wouldn’t fall far from the tree. I mean, it skipped a generation because Tommy didn’t inherit my mean streak, but he was probably afraid my grandson might.”
My mouth agape, I realized then that Grizz didn’t know. Grizz really did believe Tommy was his son.
“We don’t need to worry about Jason inheriting anything from you, Grizz,” I told him quietly. I hadn’t intended sarcasm, and I was hoping it hadn’t come across that way.
“Why’s that?” He had already gotten out of my car and shut the door. He was now bent over and leaning through the passenger window that I had rolled down.
“Because Tommy was not your son.”
Before he had a chance to reply, I quickly added, “I’m really sorry.” And I meant it. “I don’t mean to toss this at you and then run off, but I need to get to the bus stop. I don’t have time to go into it now.” I shifted into reverse. “I promise to explain later.”
He nodded and stepped back from the car, but not before I detected something in his eyes. I was almost positive it was disappointment.