Ginny
2001, Fort Lauderdale
I don’t know how many times that week I picked up the business card that Grizz had given me and just stared at it. I threw it in the garbage at least three times, only to find myself digging it out and wiping off strawberry and coffee stains along with a myriad of other nastiness. I didn’t have to keep it. I’d stared at it so many times that I’d subconsciously memorized the address Grizz had written on the back. I knew the subdivision. I didn’t know anyone who lived there, but I’d passed it enough when visiting clients who lived or worked in that area. Of course, since I no longer had any clients, I had no reason to be over that way.
After walking Grizz out to his car that day, I went back into the house to talk to Mimi. We left Jason, who was absorbed in his video game, and went into Tommy’s office, shutting the door behind us.
Mimi explained everything. The disappointment of Slade’s second rejection. The uncomfortable ride home with Christian. Trying to find me and ultimately running into Grizz at the grocery store.
“And you just knew it was him and walked right up to him?”
“He looked like an older version of that first picture I’d seen. You now, the one with the long hair. Maybe I wanted it to be him, Mom. I don’t know. When he didn’t deny who he was, I was more curious than anything.”
“But, Mimi, you climbed into a car with a stranger!”
“Yeah, I already got an earful from him for doing that,” she said sheepishly.
That was something Grizz would’ve done. Reprimand the child he hadn’t raised. As upset as I was, I felt a small smile trying to find its way to my lips, but I fought it.
Mimi explained that he’d been forthright and truthful. She’d even tested him by asking him things she already knew about. He didn’t lie to her. Not once. Hmph.
“Well, I hope you know I’m forbidding you to ever see him again. Never, Mimi. He is not welcome in our home or in our lives.”
She looked at me. “I know, Mom. He told me you would be mad and not to try and get in touch with him or try to see him again. He wouldn’t tell me where he was staying or anything. I could’ve tried to do a search on his name and license plate, but I’m not stupid. It’s probably registered to a phony address.”
My insides began to churn. “So he told you I’d be mad and not let you see him? He forbade you first?”
Mimi looked at me sideways with a curious expression on her face. “Mom, are you actually mad because he agreed with you, or are you mad because he told me first?”
I ran my hand through my hair and huffed out a breath. “I’m not mad. I’m just upset that he thinks he can show back up and get his hands into things he has no right to!”
My daughter just looked at me. I could tell she was trying to figure out what my feelings were for her biological father. Well, if she does figure them out, I hope she’ll tell me what they are.
**********
The following week dragged. I had a lunch date with Alec down at a popular restaurant on the Intracoastal. We walked along the docks afterward. The sun was bright, and he grabbed my hand to steer me toward a little kiosk that sold visors. After buying me one, he casually retrieved my hand for the rest of the walk. It wasn’t as hard or awkward as I thought it might be. It was very comfortable, and I convinced myself I liked the feathery kiss he placed on the side of my mouth after he escorted me to my car.
Now I was on my way home and letting myself wonder what it would’ve been like if he’d kissed me on the lips. Could I see myself kissing Alec back? Could I picture myself enjoying it? I raised my hand to the spot he kissed, letting my fingers mimic his mouth.
My ringing cell phone interrupted my daydream. Sarah Jo, calling to catch up and apologize for not being around the last several months.
“I’m sorry, Gin.” Her voice was quiet. I hadn’t seen her after the couple of weeks that followed the funeral. “I don’t know what to say. It might sound awful, but I’ve been dealing with Tommy’s loss, too, and well, being around you was just too painful.”
Relief washed over me. I think deep down I’d been wondering if it was something else. Something more.
“I understand completely, Jo. Please—don’t feel bad.” And I meant it.
I remembered that awful day at the hospital when I fell apart at Sarah Jo’s arrival. I was certain I wouldn’t be able to get through that awful time without her, but oddly enough, I had. Everybody grieved in their own way, and I understood her need to stay away. The truth was I had become accustomed to not seeing much of her, and if I was being honest with myself, I hadn’t noticed her absence. I missed our friendship, but not as much as I probably should have. I couldn’t explain why.
We made a plan to meet for lunch the following week. I hung up the phone and realized I’d lost track of the time and my route home. I had just pulled into the subdivision of Laurel Falls. Grizz’s subdivision.
I slammed on the brakes, did a sharp U-turn in the middle of the road, and headed for home.
**********
Another week dragged, and with it my anxiety only increased. I just knew Grizz was going to show up again, and I found myself mentally rehearsing for the tongue-lashing he’d receive.
My lunch with Sarah Jo was pleasant, but something was off. I was certain it wasn’t her. It was me and my preoccupation with Grizz’s return.
Before I knew it, still another week had passed and there had been no sign of Grizz. He’s staying away. He got the message. Good.
But it didn’t help that Jason had asked about his father’s old friend, James Kirkland, more than once.
I’d seen Alec a couple more times in those weeks, and he didn’t hold my hand or give me a goodbye kiss like he had at the docks. As a matter of fact, he went back to being the perfect friend and if I hadn’t been so consumed by my angst over Grizz, I might’ve had my pride pricked or wondered if he was playing a game. He probably wondered the same about me.
I prayed for strength when I found my thoughts drifting to Grizz. I asked God to give me the grace to be able to forgive him for whatever anger and resentment I held onto. I needed the peace that only the Holy Spirit could give me.
I also found myself praying for the man I’d once been so in love with. I wanted him to find happiness. I wanted him to find God. And maybe, maybe buried deep down somewhere, I wanted him to find me and bring me back to the love I’d once felt. But it was just too late for that. At least that’s what I told myself.
I hadn’t let myself think about loving Grizz. It was easier to be mad, but it was also exhausting and so contrary to how I’d lived my life. Now I’d slip in and out of moods I wasn’t used to experiencing. I’d always been so confident in my thoughts and in my actions. As I realized my anger about Grizz and our past had finally started to wane, I discovered it was replaced with a new anger. One I couldn’t explain.
Grizz was following my orders. He was staying away from my church and my grocery store. He was staying away from my children and my home. He was staying away from me.
I convinced myself he was only keeping his distance to mess with my head. That it was all part of some big game he was playing to get me to go to him. Of course, this kind of behavior wasn’t anything like the Grizz I’d known—the man who never asked permission but did and took what he wanted. The man who ran over people and squished them like insects. The man who’d wanted me enough to risk losing it all by having me abducted back in 1975.
No. This wasn’t like Grizz at all.
It truly bothered me that I thought about him so much. I reasoned that I had to get this man out of my head and out of my life once and for all. I also knew I couldn’t go to him. I wouldn’t give in to what I thought was a mental game.
Whether imagined or real, it consumed me. No, I decided. I wouldn’t lose this one. I would never go to him.
Never.