Ginny
2000, Fort Lauderdale (After the Execution)
The Thanksgiving cruise couldn’t have been more perfect. There was some disappointment for Jason because Alec and his boys had backed out, but he quickly made friends and enjoyed himself immensely. Between the nonstop activity and all the food, my normally rambunctious and energetic son collapsed into his small bed every night and fell into a quick and heavy sleep. As a matter of fact, we all did.
The days were full, and as much as I’d wanted to make love with Tommy in the privacy of our cabin, we both found ourselves worn out by the day’s activities, and we succumbed to sleep as quickly as our children did. That was okay. We have the rest of our lives to make love, I’d told myself.
“I really wish Casey and Alec had connected,” I’d told Tommy as I slipped into my bathing suit.
“He told me they just didn’t have chemistry, and maybe it was a little too soon to be dating. I think what happened with Paulina may have screwed with him more than he’s willing to admit.” Tommy had already pulled on his bathing suit and was slathering his arms with sunscreen.
“I know. She told me the same thing.” I grabbed the lotion out of Tommy’s hand and indicated for him to turn around. I squirted some on his back.
“Ahhh, Ginny, it’s cold. Warm it up in your hands first!”
A pounding at our door interrupted us, and I went to answer it as Tommy put on a tank top.
“We’re ready! Are you guys ready?” Jason asked with his toothy grin. Mimi stood behind her brother and smiled.
Now, I was lying on the isolated beach with Mimi, leaning back on my elbows and watching as Jason and Tommy snorkeled. We’d taken a small boat to the island and walked quite a distance until we’d found a spot we could call our own.
“I can’t believe Dad would think I’d stop loving him when I found out,” Mimi said.
Tommy and I had more than one conversation with Mimi since that day in my bedroom when Tommy told me he was concerned about Mimi having feelings for Grizz. I’d told him the truth that day when I’d said I needed him to help me convince her not to hate Grizz. I hadn’t realized how powerful the word hate was until I saw it in my own daughter’s eyes. Saw it as we talked about the man who’d given her life.
I had been wrestling with what I thought was my hatred of Grizz since I’d learned he was still alive. I’d come to realize, through my discussions with Mimi, that it wasn’t hate I was feeling. It was hurt and confusion. I was totally baffled by his rejection of me.
But I also couldn’t deny my love for him. I had been totally and completely in love with Grizz, and I’d realized it was important to me that the child who’d been conceived in that love knew it. She had to know how much she was wanted and loved by both of us.
It wasn’t easy to convince her. She held onto her dislike of him like an iron fist welded to a steel pole. The fact that I was being truthful about him and our past didn’t help. Grizz had done some horrible things. But I made sure she knew how he treated me. How it was his idea for Tommy to marry me so I wouldn’t be alone. That Grizz was the one who’d insisted Tommy raise the child he couldn’t because he knew Tommy loved me and would love my child as his own.
“I guess it’s important to me to know you really love Dad,” Mimi said to me as she motioned toward the man out snorkeling in the crystal clear waters. “I don’t like the thought that he was stuck with us because Grizz commanded it.”
It had taken some convincing, but I finally was able to persuade her to stop referring to him as the evil sperm donor. I also cautioned her on how it wouldn’t be a good idea to use his name in public. I didn’t have any specific concern, just that the name Grizz might still be recognized in South Florida.
“I can promise you that your father and I are completely and totally in love, Mimi. I told you the truth when I said I wasn’t totally on board with marrying him at first. I was numb and still very much in love with Grizz, but I did fall in love with your father. I’m still in love with him.”
“Tell me another good story about Grizz. Tell me something you never told anybody.”
“Well, your dad knows this story,” I said as I proceeded to tell her about my moonlight dates with Grizz and, in particular, the one at the zoo. I told her about the stuffed gorilla I’d thrown away and the diamond earrings I’d be giving her.
“He sounded like he was romantic,” she said, making a face. “A murderer with a romantic side. Sounds like it would make a great book.”
I shot her a glance and could see she was teasing me. I laughed and nodded. It was a start.
I thought the conversation was over when she said something that surprised me.
“I know you don’t want me to hate him, Mom. I guess I don’t. I mean, how can I hate someone I never knew? Never will know. I almost wish I’d told you and Dad I knew when I found out. I’d tried to hint at it that time you sat me down when they found that lady’s bones. You and Dad told me a little bit about your past, and I told you it was the coolest thing I’d ever heard. I guess that was my way of hoping you’d tell me more.”
She looked at me with expectant eyes.
“I’m sorry your father and I didn’t take the hint. It just didn’t seem like the right time, Mimi,” I answered honestly.
She nodded. “Now that I’m talking to you about it and not getting horrible secondhand stories from Leslie, it’s made me more curious. Is it wrong of me to regret that I never got to meet him?”
How could I even begin to answer this question? We’d kept her away from the truth because of all the awful things Grizz had done. I was now lying on the beach trying to convince my daughter she shouldn’t hate the man who was her biological father, and now that she was telling me she wished she could’ve met him, I was back paddling in my thoughts.
I answered her with the truth. “I don’t know, Mimi. I honestly don’t know if meeting him would’ve been good for either of you.”
Even though I was wearing sunglasses, I put my hand to my brow to gauge her reaction. The sun was brilliant, and I wanted to see the expression on her face.
She sat up a little and leaned on one elbow, facing me. A gentle breeze carried her scent past me. I could smell coconut sunscreen and something fruity. I sat up, too, cross-legged.
“I looked him up once, you know?”
“No, I didn’t know that.”
“There’s not a lot about him, Mom. There wasn’t even anything on the news or in the newspapers when he died. I find that a little hard to believe, don’t you?”
The question caught me off-guard as I realized she was right. There had been no major announcements about Grizz’s execution. I remembered Jason’s friend, Corbin, had told him Tommy and I went away that weekend to see some guy get fried. Tommy and I had skirted around that with Jason. We knew Moe’s remains being found in 1999 had gotten a little press, and apparently some nosy local friends, including Corbin’s parents, had dug in a little deeper. It didn’t surprise me. I did seek out Corbin’s mother and politely asked her to keep her thoughts to herself. Surprisingly, she apologized. I wondered if she’d found out just enough about my past to frighten her.
“No. I don’t find it hard to believe, Mimi. People die on death row all the time. How many have you heard about?”
“None. But he sounded like a big deal. I guess I thought it might’ve gotten some notice.”
“I can see why you would think that.” I made little swirls in the sand with my fingers. She had a point. “Maybe there’s another reason. He was a powerful man. Even from behind bars. I guess he paid people off. He was quite wealthy, you know. You should probably know you are quite wealthy.”
“I already know I own Aunt Carter and Uncle Bill’s house,” she told me sheepishly. “I saw the deed in your safe.”
I sighed. “Well, you own more than their house.” Why did I just say that? How smart was it to let a fifteen-year-old know how rich she was? I was mentally kicking myself for bringing up Grizz’s wealth, but Mimi passed right over the subject.
“I think it’s why Leslie came to me, Mom.” She faced me, tanned legs curled beneath her.
“What is why Leslie came to you?”
“The fact that there wasn’t anything about him anywhere. She couldn’t get any background on him, and I knew she was right because I tried and I only found one article.”
“What do you mean?” This was curious.
“There is very little information on him. Very little. I found a mug shot once on the Internet. When I went back to look it up again, it was gone. I even tried the old microfiche machines at the libraries, and they not only didn’t have anything on him, but entire years were missing. I guess they didn’t keep up with them as well as they should have.”
“You said you found one article. Where did you find it?” She had my attention now.
“When my class went to Disney World in Orlando, we had to spend one day doing something educational, so I suggested we go to their county library. I found an article about him on their microfiche from 1985. It was just one article, and it had a picture of him. I told Leslie about it, and she had them copy it and send it to her.”
“What did you read?” Did I want to know?
“Just that he’d been arrested for kidnapping but would face other charges. Your name wasn’t mentioned or anything, Mom. It must’ve been when he was first arrested. There was even a picture of him that didn’t look anything like the mug shot. He looked kind of like a hippie.”
I smiled and looked down. If there was one thing Grizz was not, it was a hippie. She had probably seen an earlier picture of him with his long hair.
I looked up and started to say something when I noticed a single tear running down her cheek. Her bottom lip was quivering.
“Mimi?”
“I’m so sorry, Mom.” She reached for me. I pulled her toward me as she scooted closer. “I’m so sorry for tricking you both into that interview with Leslie.”
I patted her back and tried to reassure her. “It’s okay, Mimi. It’s really okay.”
“No, it’s not! Don’t pretend like what I did was okay.”
She pulled back from me and wiped her eyes, hiccupping.
“Everything you’ve been telling me these past weeks was about how much he loved you and how much he tried to protect you. I ruined it. I know Leslie’s article never got printed, but you and him and Dad were willing to risk exposure because of me. It’s true, Mom. I used his love for you to make him think I was you on the phone, and I guilted him into giving Leslie that interview.”
“Mimi—”
“And I made you think I wanted to bond with you over you coming clean about your past by talking to Leslie. I’d known the truth about some of it. I’d read that article in Orlando. I’d looked up his mug shot that time. Plus, based on what you and Dad told me when that lady’s skeleton was found last year, I knew you had a past you were ashamed of, and I wanted to hurt you for not telling me who my real father was. For keeping secrets.”
She started sobbing heavily, and I began rocking her back and forth, trying to soothe her.
“Mimi, I’m a grown woman. I knew what I was doing when I gave Leslie those interviews. Maybe subconsciously I wanted to get it all out. I can’t be sure. I do know I wasn’t worried about being exposed. That article was going to be truthful about certain events, but ambiguous on facts like names, dates, cities. And it was for a major publication. Not a little hometown story that people might’ve remembered. It could’ve been about any prisoner on death row in any state during any given year. It wasn’t tied directly to Grizz.”
“But people could’ve started digging, Mom. If someone did their homework, they could link it back to you. That’s what I was hoping would happen. Somebody would come knocking on your door and show the world you weren’t perfect. I wanted to hurt you and Dad for keeping a secret from me. I’m—I’m so sorry.”
“I guess you’re right, sweetie. Somebody could’ve figured it out and shown up. But they won’t.” I took her face in my hands. “I guess it’s by the grace of God that we don’t have to worry about that now. Besides, you told me yourself how hard it was to find details about him. Right?”
Mimi nodded and said, “There’s more.”
I tilted my head.
“I told Elliott some of it. I just needed to confide in somebody. He knows my biological father died on death row this summer. But he won’t tell, Mom. I know he’d never tell.”
“Well, if he’s as special as you say he is, and I think he might be,” I winked at her, “then I’m sure he’d be willing to keep this secret for you.”
“Oh, he would, Mom. He’s so good to me and wonderful and kind and understanding.”
She was bouncing now, and I realized her burden had just become lighter. So had mine.
We reapplied our sunscreen and lay back down. The sound of Tommy and Jason splashing in the distance brought a contentment that settled over me like a warm blanket. I could hear seagulls and was enjoying the sounds and smells of our little hideaway when I sensed movement to my left.
I peeked at Mimi and noticed she was back up on her elbow, facing me. I started to ask her if there was something else she wanted to talk about, but she beat me to it.
“So, Mom.” She grinned. “How old were you when you first had sex, and what was it like?”