Ginny
2001, Fort Lauderdale
After dropping Grizz off at his house, Jason showered me with questions about how well and how long Tommy and I had known James, and was it before or after he went to prison. I told him most of the truth: We’d known him since we were teenagers, he went to prison after that, and neither one of us had seen or spoken with him for fifteen years. I also explained to my son that James had trusted him with a very important detail about his life, and it wouldn’t be respectful or right for any of us to share this with other people.
“Maybe it’s why he doesn’t stay at your games, Jason,” Mimi piped up. “Maybe he’s embarrassed or ashamed and doesn’t want people like Corbin saying things or judging him, which they would do if you told them.”
Mimi understood what was hanging in the balance here, and I appreciated that she was able to talk to Jason on his level.
“Can I tell Alec?” Jason asked.
“Is it your story to tell, Jason, or is it James’s story?”
Jason nodded sheepishly. He got it.
“And I have to tell you the truth, honey. James wants his privacy. If we want to stay friends with him, we need to respect that. We need to not get our feelings hurt if he doesn’t accept invitations. He’s a loner, and I think he likes it that way.”
“Do you think he likes me, Mom?”
I looked in my rearview mirror and saw his hopeful eyes looking back at me.
“Yes, Jason. I think he likes you very much.”
**********
A week later, Grizz asked me when I might have an evening free to spend with him. I was hesitant at first, remembering the kiss we’d shared. But both kids would be occupied for most of the evening, so I found myself heading over to Laurel Falls.
I drove to his house with my windows down enjoying the cool breeze and the familiar fragrance of orange blossoms. The sun had almost completely set, and the air was cooler. He’d told me not to eat dinner, so I figured he was making something, getting takeout, or wanting to take me to an out-of-the-way restaurant.
I wondered if he remembered his invitation as I got out of my car and approached his front door. It was getting dark, and he had no outside lights on. The garage was closed so I didn’t know if his car was there.
I knocked lightly and heard Rocky barking. I heard Grizz give a command and the barking ceased. He opened the door and with the movement came a whoosh of air that assaulted my nostrils. Him. His smell. His clean, sharp scent. Same cologne. Same deodorant he’d always worn. I didn’t remember him smelling like this at Thanksgiving. My insides twisted.
He didn’t say anything. He just stepped aside and gestured with his hand for me to come in.
I walked in and stopped suddenly as I took in what I was seeing and hearing. The sun had gone down, leaving only a warm glow on the western horizon, so light from his skylights was minimal, yet the living room, kitchen and dining area were glowing. I took in all the candles, the small table set for dinner, the enticing aroma of whatever had been in his oven.
I heard him shut the door behind me. This wasn’t dinner. This was a set-up for seduction if I’d ever seen one. “Sharing the Night Together” by Dr. Hook was coming from a speaker.
How convenient.
Well, I would set him straight. Just like I let him know upfront more than twenty-five years ago my first night at the motel, I now blurted out, “I don’t know how long I can stay. I’m on my period and have bad cramps.”
It was a lie. As a matter of fact, I’d gone off the pill after Tommy’s death, and my period was so sporadic I was certain I was premenopausal. But Grizz didn’t have to know that. I felt him come up behind me and I turned to face him, my attitude evident.
“I’m sorry you don’t feel good, honey. Do you want to come over another time or do you want me to get you something out of the medicine cabinet to help with your cramps?”
He looked sincere. I stiffened.
“You want me to come back when I’m not on my period?” I narrowed my eyes. “I’m sorry you went to so much trouble to try to get me into bed and it backfired.”
I waved my hand toward the candles.
He raised an eyebrow. “You think I invited you over to get you into bed and because you have your period I don’t want you here?”
“Isn’t that why you invited me over? The candles, my kind of music playing in the background—why would I think otherwise?”
He chuckled. “Your music is playing because the house has a built-in sound system and I haven’t figured out how to change the lame-ass station that it’s set to. As a matter of fact, I don’t even know how to turn the damn thing off.”
I crossed my arms. “Fine. Whatever. And the candles?”
“The power’s been out for two hours. I just lit them. Thought you would’ve noticed I didn’t have any lights on when you pulled up. And like I said, the only reason the music is on is because the house has a small auxiliary backup for the alarm system and the sound system is somehow connected. The music came on by itself when the battery rebooted the alarm. Good thing the house has a gas oven or I’d have to take you out for dinner.”
I just stared and could feel the heat rising up my face. What was I, sixteen again? I felt childish, stupid for the accusation and the period comment. He wasn’t trying to seduce me. I needed to find a hole to crawl in, and I needed to find one fast.
“How about I take you out somewhere? It can’t be fancy. It’ll have to be somewhere quiet and out of the way.”
I swallowed and looked away from him. “I thought...I thought...”
“I know what you thought, baby, and it’s okay. I don’t blame you. It does look like a set-up, but it’s not. I meant what I said at Thanksgiving. I think it might still be too soon for you. I didn’t want anything from you tonight except to enjoy a meal and your company.”
I told him he didn’t need to take me out to a restaurant. The lights came on midway through our meal. We cleaned up the kitchen together, blew out the candles, and settled ourselves on the couch. Rocky made himself comfortable between us. I looked at the man who I’d been so in love with for so long and wondered if I was falling for him again.
Then the bitterness I’d tried to swallow since Tommy’s death finally reared its ugly head.
Before I could stop myself, I shouted, “I hate this. I just hate this!”
He looked over at me, bewilderment in his gaze. I stood up and crossed my arms over my chest. I paced back and forth as he just watched me and waited for an explanation.
“Since your execution...” I paused to give him a sarcastic glare, “my life has been turned upside down. So much turmoil and unnecessary drama because of that stupid interview. Thinking Tommy was your son almost ruined my marriage. You know that, don’t you?”
He nodded, never taking his eyes from mine. I looked away and resumed pacing.
“Thank God, it turned out not to be true, so it was a good thing we never got around to talking to Mimi about it. But that’s not the point. That’s not what I’m trying to say here.”
“What are you trying to say?”
“I’m trying to say I’ve never experienced a time in my life where I wasn’t in control of my feelings.” I stopped, took a shuddery breath. “I look back over the past year, and one minute I hated you, the next minute I missed you, the next minute I resented you. I’ve been all over the map with my emotions, and it’s so unlike me and not something I’m used to. Add the grief of Tommy’s death on top of that and I—I... I just hate this feeling of not being sure about who I am and what I want.”
He nodded, watching me.
“And—it’s not about just me. I have my children to consider. On one hand, they seem to like and accept you. On another hand, if something did come of our relationship, I struggle with what Tommy would’ve wanted for our children, and I’m having a hard time convincing myself that it would include you.” I eyed him warily.
“Understandable.”
I swallowed. “I know without any doubt that you’d never bring any harm to me or my children. But I don’t know if that’s enough. There has to be more. I need for my children to love and respect you, but even more than that, I need you to love them, and Grizz, I don’t know if you’re capable of that. I watched your face when Jason hugged you the morning you took us fishing. I saw something in your eyes. Something I’d never seen. What was it?”
He looked away from me then and sighed. He absently stroked Rocky’s fur as he stared past me. I didn’t think he was going to answer me.
Finally, in a broken voice, he said, “Fear.” He then looked me straight in the eyes. “You saw fear, Kit.”
This was an admission that I never thought I’d hear Grizz make. Ever.
“Of?”
“Of giving your children the love I should’ve given Tommy. I really did believe he was my son, and I should’ve loved him like a son, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t let myself. I had only loved one person before you came along. The pain of losing my baby sister was something I never wanted to experience again. I still don’t. When we love, we become vulnerable. If I allow myself to love, I set myself up to not be in control. I did it with Ruthie, and I did it with you. I’m afraid to do it again, but it’s too late, anyway.”
“Too late? What’s too late?” My heart started thumping as I realized he was going to tell me it was too late for us. That he’d changed his mind and life with me wouldn’t be possible. Isn’t that what I needed to hear so he could leave and we could move on?
I started to shake.
He stood and approached me, grabbing me and hugging me fiercely.
“I already love your children. I love my daughter. I love your son. I would give anything for a world where we could be a family, Ginny. Anything.”
I was moved and relieved by his admission. He let go of me and stepped back, looking down at me with a need in his eyes I recognized. I felt the tension and wasn’t sure how I would react if he decided to kiss me. He sensed it too and asked, “Kiss?”
Before I could answer him, he’d reached into his front jeans pocket and held something out to me. “Hershey’s Kiss?”
I knew he was trying to lighten the moment and I smiled at him. I looked at the coffee table and saw the tiny silver balls. I’d wondered more than once what they were, but had never asked. They were the remnants of his obviously new chocolate fetish. My heart tightened a little bit when I remembered how I would find empty Jolly Rancher wrappers all over the house and even in the washing machine. Tommy loved the hard candy and would stuff the cellophane wrappers in his pockets after opening them. I swallowed back my still lingering grief and accepted the Kiss.
That night as I drove home, I thought about Grizz’s admission and the stab of panic I’d felt when I thought his comment meant it was too late for us.
Instead of driving directly home, I headed back toward our old neighborhood, Shady Ranches. I went way beyond where Carter and Bill lived and started driving some of the still-undeveloped roads. I wanted to think without the lights, traffic, and distractions of the city. I thought about all the phone conversations and emails I’d exchanged with Sister Mary Katherine since Tommy’s death. One of our many conversations, the most recent one, came back to me.
“What is it exactly that you’re afraid of, child?” she asked me as I clutched the phone to my ear.
“I don’t know, Sister. I guess I’m afraid of what I might be starting to feel for him.” Or what I’ve always felt and don’t want to accept.
“And you’re afraid of this why?”
“I guess it’s several things. I’m thinking Tommy would disapprove because of the man Grizz was. Grizz spent almost his entire life doing the opposite of everything I’ve ever believed in, and the last fifteen years of his life have been in a maximum-security prison. Is that the kind of person I want to fall back in love with? To expose my children to?”
I heard a small chuckle from her end of the phone.
“I probably never mentioned that I frequented many prisons doing ministry in my day. In fact, one of the most wonderful days of my life was spent at the most notorious prison in our country.”
“You did?” I was a little surprised. “Wonderful?”
“Yes, I did. They were the worst of the worst. So much hate there. So much loathing. So much pain. The outcasts of society. They were men who’d done terrible things and considered themselves unworthy of a life beyond those walls. But, worse yet, they considered themselves unworthy of forgiveness and love. I saw something that day. Do you know who I was there with?”
“No, Sister. I don’t.”
“I got to spend one glorious day visiting inmates with Mother Teresa. She was Sister Teresa back then.”
I gulped.
“We were meeting murderers, rapists, human traffickers. Men who wore tattoos boasting of the number of people they’d killed. I remember one man in particular. He’d killed eleven people. When we approached him, I saw the defiance in his eyes. He had his emotional armor on because he was used to seeing the judgment, the hatred. And of course, he thought that as women of God, we would have every right to judge him. He wasn’t going to be hurt by our rejection because he was prepared for it.”
“What happened?” I was starting to get a little concerned about what she was going to tell me. I held my breath.
“I watched Mother Teresa approach him. I saw him stiffen, and then his entire demeanor changed when she took the crucifix from around her neck and lovingly placed it around his. She said three words to him.” Sister paused for effect. “She said, ‘I love you.’ That was all. Three simple words that were heartfelt, sincere, and full of compassion. Three words that can change the world, if we’ll let them.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything.
When she spoke again, Sister Mary Katherine’s voice was full of joy.
“That man asked her why or how she could love him, and she went on to share the Gospel of a loving, forgiving God. And do you know that man now runs one of the biggest prison ministries in the world? And he does it from a cell. That because of him, the prison where he has been incarcerated and will spend the rest of his natural life has seen a drastic reduction in inmate suicides and murders?”
“It’s a beautiful story, Sister.” I paused then and tried to grasp the deeper meaning of what she was trying to share with me. When she didn’t reply, I added, “You told me when I visited that it’s not by coincidence that everything comes full circle, back to the way it was meant to be. How do I know if loving Grizz is the way it’s meant to be?”
“Ask Him and search your heart, Guinevere. And while you’re looking for your answers, keep in mind that if only three simple words like ‘I love you’ can change a man’s heart forever and give him hope in a hopeless place, imagine what a woman who loves the Lord and walks in His ways can do to a man who’s only known darkness.” She sighed, and I heard the unmistakable creak of a rocking chair. “I can’t tell you it’s okay for you to love and be with this man, Guinevere. You will have to find your own answers, but you’re asking the wrong person, and I know you already know that.”
I was quiet for a minute and realized with a sudden flash of insight that maybe my bitterness hadn’t been toward Grizz. Maybe it had been toward God.
“I only ever asked God for one thing, Sister, and that was for Tommy not to die. That was the miracle I needed, and He didn’t give it to me.” I tried not to cry.
“Oh, my dear Guinevere. Just because He didn’t give you what you asked for doesn’t mean He didn’t give you your miracle.”
As I drove and remembered this conversation and the turmoil my heart was experiencing, I quickly pulled my car over to the side of the road. I was in the middle of nowhere. I could see lights far off in the distance, but no homes were nearby. Just shrubs and brush.
I put my car in park and jumped out, running in front of my headlights and off to the side. I found a clear spot and knelt, tears streaming down my face.
“God,” I said, looking up at the stars. “God, I’ve never asked for anything for myself except for once, and that was for Tommy not to die. I know you didn’t cause it to happen, but I know you allowed it, and I don’t know why. I don’t know that I’ll ever know why. My heart has never felt so heavy as I struggle with what Your will may be for my life. I’ve never felt so lost or uncertain. I need something, God. I need to know that You hear me. I need to know Tommy is with You now. I need to know that if I give Grizz a chance, it’s the right thing. I just need something, anything. Please.”
My sobs became heavy then, and my body shook. I kept my head tilted toward the stars praying for a sign. I didn’t know what kind of sign I was looking for. I wasn’t sure exactly how that worked, but if God had sent a shooting star at that moment, I would’ve believed it to be from Him. But He didn’t.
I don’t know how long I knelt there, but eventually with my shoulders slumped I lowered myself into a crouch, defeated. I was just getting ready to wipe away my tears when something startled me. Quicker than a flash, I saw movement to my right and felt something as it ran up my right arm and perched on my shoulder.
Before I could react, I realized it was a kitten. And it was licking away my tears.
To a non-believer, I’m sure they would think I’d merely stumbled upon an abandoned kitten that was thirsty. I can accept that. But I also know that I didn’t just accidentally decide to stop in the middle of nowhere to speak to God.
It was divine intervention that brought me and that helpless kitten together that night under the stars. A cute and extremely thin little thing, it was all white except for a brown and black mask. When I brought it home that night, Mimi and Jason were tossing all kinds of names around—Bandit, Zorro, Swiper, Rascal.
“No,” I told them firmly. After discovering it was a little girl, I said, “I’m calling her Hope.”