Ginny
2001, Fort Lauderdale
The weeks slowly turned into months, and before long we fell into our ordinary family routine. Well, as ordinary as it could be. I didn’t go back to work, but instead filled my days with attending every activity Mimi and Jason were involved in, as well as volunteering for different charitable organizations.
Alec suggested that if I was interested he would terminate the accountant they used at Dillon & Davis and I could immerse myself back in a job that I loved. Even though he meant well, I let him know I didn’t want a perfectly capable accountant to lose a source of income because of me. Besides, I needed to distance myself from Tommy’s work. It was too painful.
It was a Wednesday morning, and I stood now at the shooting range taking careful aim at the target. I fired off all twelve rounds, maintaining a two-inch grouping from a twenty-five-foot distance. I had to battle my inner demons that wanted to pretend I was aiming at Tommy’s murderer. They’d finally arrested the man responsible. Tommy’s murderer. The words just didn’t ring true. It still didn’t seem real, but I knew from the profound sense of grief I’d been living through with my children that it was all too real.
I ached for my husband, and I willed myself not to think about the man who’d stood behind me more than twenty years ago, his massive tattooed arms holding my hands steady, as I took my first shot.
Grizz.
I’d been to Carter’s house a few times since Tommy’s death. I always made sure I had one or both of the kids with me. Yes, it was nice that friends were stepping in and including them in family activities, but I made sure to spend as much time as possible with my children. I felt responsible for their healing and was noticing that I was healing, too. Helping at Carter’s was good for all of us. I especially enjoyed the physical exhaustion that came with attending to her zoo.
She caught me eyeing the garage one day as I pumped water into the horse’s trough. Jason had run into the house to use the bathroom. Mimi had to work that day and wasn’t with us.
Without looking at me, Carter said matter-of-factly, “He’s not there.”
“I didn’t think he was,” I said a little too quickly.
But I wasn’t being truthful. I’d wondered more than I cared to admit where Grizz had been living, though I tried not to think of Grizz, whether it was with anger or some other thing I wouldn’t allow myself to identify. It felt like a disloyalty to Tommy.
Neither one of us said anything, and my curiosity finally got the best of me.
“But he was there, though. Right? When he first came back?” I tried to act casual but I could feel my pulse quickening. Was it my unresolved anger? Or something else?
“No, Ginny. He didn’t stay here. I don’t know where he stayed.”
“Stayed? You mean, he’s gone?”
She stopped what she was doing and stared hard at me.
“You told me to tell him to go away. I sent him your message and haven’t heard from him since. I’m assuming he followed your wishes.”
I was a bit shocked. This certainly didn’t sound like the Grizz I’d known. He never did anything anybody told him.
I cocked my head. “Do you think he’s really gone, Carter?”
“Do you care?”
I caught myself then, whirled, and made a beeline toward her barn.
“Of course, I don’t care,” I called back over my shoulder.
I made sure I had my back to her as I charged off. I didn’t want her to read any doubt that may have been in my eyes. I didn’t want her to be able to see what may have been buried deep in my heart, especially if I couldn’t even see it or understand it myself.
**********
Two days later, I sat amongst the throng of other parents and friends watching Mimi perform at her piano recital. I told her she didn’t have to perform, but she was adamant that she wanted to do it for her father, and we both knew Tommy wouldn’t have wanted her to miss it. He was the one who’d originally encouraged her to take piano lessons. I’d tried to teach her how to play guitar, but she never quite took to it. Tommy had noticed her infatuation with the piano at our church and had a piano delivered to our home for Mimi’s eighth birthday.
After she finished and the applause came to a stop, she stood then and faced the audience.
“Mr. Dolan said I could play one more. This one is for my father. He loves this song, and he especially loves the end, the piano solo.”
She then played the piano piece at the end of “Layla,” by Derek and the Dominos. She played with a passion I’d never seen. The pounding of the keys resonated through the room, and before I knew it, it was over and the audience was standing, their applause becoming more and more frenzied before finally dying down. And I realized I’d been listening to it with warm and happy memories of Tommy. I wasn’t sobbing and falling apart.
Jason turned to me and beamed.
“Mimi’s right. That is one of Dad’s favorite songs!”
I loved how neither Mimi or Jason said it was one of Tommy’s favorite songs, or that it used to be one of Tommy’s favorites. Instead, they spoke in the present tense. They said it because they didn’t see their father as gone and out of our lives. They knew Tommy would always be with us.
I was finally healing. We were all healing.
Even before Tommy’s death I’d noticed Mimi suggested more and more that we spend time as a family with the Bears. I figured out pretty early on that she was doing her best to hide the fact that she was crushing hard on Christy and Anthony’s oldest son, eighteen-year-old Slade. The few times we did see them and Slade happened to join us, he seemed nice to Mimi, but I couldn’t tell if his politeness translated to interest.
I asked Christy about it.
“Do you think there’s something going on between Mimi and Slade?” I asked her one day over the phone.
“I’m not certain,” she said. “I haven’t heard anything from this end, but of course, he doesn’t live at home anymore, so I probably wouldn’t know. Have you asked her?”
“I have. Mimi said he was so nice to her at the hospital, and he always seems friendly the few times we’ve seen you guys, but she doesn’t know if he’s interested. I think she may be on the brink of a crush or something, Christy. I’m not sure how to handle it or if there’s anything that even needs handling. Would Christian know?”
I realized then how ridiculous I sounded. I might as well have been sitting at the sixth grade lunch table passing notes.
“Well, if Christian knows anything about whether or not his brother has feelings for Mimi, I doubt he’d say. He’s just like his father used to be,” she said laughing. “He walks around with some kind of invisible chip on his shoulder hating everyone and everything. I’m so afraid he’s leaning more toward the life we’ve put behind us. Makes me wonder if something like this can actually be in your genes.”
Our conversation went from Mimi’s possible crush to Christy’s own concerns about Christian. I couldn’t comment. I hadn’t seen Christian since that day at the hospital, and that was only briefly in the waiting room. He’d not come to the few gatherings we’d had since then.
A week later I noticed a change in Mimi’s attitude. I’d been right about her developing feelings toward Slade.
“And he turned you down?” I asked her.
We were in the kitchen making dinner together. Alec was bringing Jason back from a carnival, and I’d invited him and his boys to have dinner with us.
“Yeah, I guess you could say that.” The disappointment was evident in her voice as she tossed a salad.
“Did he tell you he just didn’t have time or wasn’t interested?”
Mimi told me she’d texted Slade and asked if he had time if he could give her some driving lessons. She would be sixteen this year and would be able to get her license. I wasn’t looking forward to Mimi driving. The thought of getting her a car seemed like a huge undertaking. Not from a financial perspective, but from a personal one. I always thought Tommy would be taking her out to test-drive vehicles, not me.
“Well, first he seemed surprised I didn’t know how to drive. He asked me why I hadn’t taken Driver’s Ed. He felt bad when I told him I didn’t take it because Dad always told me he would teach me, but then of course, with you moving out last year and all the problems we were having, it never happened.”
She didn’t say this with any intention of blame or trying to make me feel guilty. She was just stating facts.
“Then he suggested maybe Christian could teach me. Christian!”
I looked over at her then and realized she was right. That was definitely Slade’s way of letting Mimi down. The words were out before I could stop them.
“Well, what’s wrong with asking Christian?”
She huffed out a breath. “I haven’t seen Christian since that day at the hospital, and God only knows how long it was before then. He just seems, I don’t know, he seems mad at someone. He kept looking at me that day with those icy blue eyes of his. He didn’t even say anything. Just sat there and stared.”
I couldn’t believe I was taking up for Christian, especially after what Christy had told me, but could not seem to help myself.
“Maybe he just needs a friend. You know, you used to be close when you were little. You used to play wedding with him.”
She rolled her eyes. “Ugh, Mom! Could you please not remind me of that? I was, what, maybe five years old?”
I started to smile and was taking the casserole out of the oven when she added, “I wonder if I did ask Christian, and he said yes, if it might make Slade even a little bit jealous.”
I looked at her seriously. “I’m sure to your fifteen-year-old brain that sounds like a solid plan, but I will tell you now, Mimi, it’s not a good idea. Please don’t do that, honey. Don’t use Christian. You wouldn’t like it if somebody used you.”
I thought I saw her flinch, and our conversation was interrupted when Jason came barreling in, Alec and his boys right behind him.
Alec held up some movies he’d rented and said as I laid the casserole on the table, “I picked up some flicks I thought the boys would enjoy. I was thinking if it wasn’t too much of an imposition that maybe Mimi wouldn’t mind staying here with the kids after we eat and letting me take you to a jazz club for a couple of hours. Just get you out of the house for some adult interaction, Ginny.”
“Uh, thanks, but I don’t like jazz,” I said without looking up at him. I was suddenly very focused on my kitchen counter.
He laughed. “Well, it doesn’t have to be jazz. We can certainly find a club with another type of music.”
“Um. I don’t like clubs, and really, I have plenty of adult interaction.”
The kids were too busy jabbering with each other to notice the exchange, but Mimi noticed.
“Ginny,” he whispered. “I know what you’re thinking. I’m not suggesting we go on a date. I’m suggesting you join me, as a friend, to listen to some music and maybe even enjoy a glass of wine. I know you have adult interaction, but it’s always because you’re volunteering somewhere. Doing something for someone else. I was thinking maybe you’d like some time to actually enjoy yourself.”
He paused then, and I realized Alec was either always working or taking care of his children. I wasn’t certain, but since he was the sole caregiver of his kids, I doubted he had much of a social life. Maybe he’s the one who needs a friend.
No sooner had I thought it than he added, “I know I could use some adult companionship.”
Before I could reply, Mimi chimed in, “Mom, go. I’ll stay with the kids.”
This was Alec. The same man who’d been Tommy’s partner for years. The same man I’d come to rely on in recent months. The same man who never gave one hint of anything that didn’t resemble friendship.
I nodded and sat down at the table to eat dinner. Yes, I would go.