Chapter Ten – Louise

I feel weird stepping into the doctor’s office as a patient rather than one of the staff members, but I don’t have a choice. If I could afford to go anywhere else for treatment then I’d be there in a heart beat, but this is all I’ve got. I need to work out what’s wrong with me. Especially since I’ve been working myself up into a panicked frenzy all day long whilst looking up my symptoms online. I’m pretty convinced that I’m not dying but my situation is completely and utterly horrifying. The more I read about my symptoms, the more convinced I’ve become that it’s something big hanging over my shoulder and wanting to consume me.

“Hey there, Lou,” Julia says with knotted eyebrows. “You here for your appointment?”

“Yep.” I let out a shaky laugh. “I’m here to find out how much time I have left.”

“You are really pale.” She purses out her lips and cocks her head in my direction. “You know what, you should come right through. I don’t think sitting in the waiting room is helpful when you aren’t well. I don’t want you to end up sicker than you already are. Who knows what you’ll catch.”

I nod slowly, mostly because there’s a whole lot of coughing and sniffing going on that I don’t like the sound of. Especially with my condition, I don’t want to get it further deteriorate.

Julia moves out from behind the reception desk and opens the door for me.

I slide through, ignoring all the tutting and the muttered comments as I leave everyone else behind. They don’t realize that I work here because a lot of them haven’t ever seen me, so they think I’m just cutting in line. Well, let them think what they want, I’d rather not sit out there with them, getting sicker by the minute.

“Are you alright?” Julia asks while slinging her arm over my shoulder and looking deep into my eyes as she searches for the truth. “Is there anything I can do to help you while you’re ill?”

Yes! I think I have a disease and I’m scared, I think, but still I’m not ready to say it. Once I’ve had this appointment and I know the truth, then I might speak to Julia about it but until then I want to keep it all inside. I plaster a bright smile on my sick, pale face and nod.

“I’m fine, I’m just looking forward to getting some pills to sort me out, then I can get back to work. I’ve only been away for a couple of days but I miss it already.”

I’m supposed to have been getting on with my college work, but the Internet has distracted me. As soon as I decided to search for what’s wrong with me, I got sucked into a deep confusing pit that I couldn’t extract myself from. Now I’ll have to get back to juggling it with work which is silly really.

“You miss it?” Julia barks out a laugh. “You must be mad. No one misses this place.”

Oliver’s face pops into my brain and my heart yearns for him, but I shut that down after only a second. I cannot think about Oliver now, I can’t get lost in thoughts of his handsome face and his super nice nature, plus the deep shiver he makes me feel deep inside, when I’ve got so much to worry about. I need to push him to the back of my brain and focus only on me. I’m more important right now.

“Yeah well, I do, I suppose I’m mad.” I glance around, trying not to let anyone else see me. “Anyway, get me into the room so I can get this stupid appointment over and done with.”

“Sure, unless you want a coffee first?”

I shake my head, I can’t even think about drinking something at the moment, I’m all dithery and weird.

“Okay, no worries. Let’s go in. You’ll come and see me once your appointment is done, won’t you? I want to know that you’re okay.”

“Sure, sure, yeah I’ll come and see you, no worries. Anything at all.”

Julia points me into a room and I make my way inside so I can wait all by myself. The doctor isn’t here yet which is probably a good thing because it gives me a few moments to gather myself up. I suck in some deep and calming breaths and I pace up and down the unfamiliar room. The deep, sterile whiteness of the room makes me uncomfortable, the green curtain looks clinical and unwelcoming, the doctor’s computer is a hive of information, some of which contains mine. I don’t like being this end of the scale, it’s weird, I feel sorry for all the patients that I’ve ever seen before. They must feel like this every time I or one of the doctor’s see them which I now dislike a lot. I’m going to do whatever I can to make people more comfortable from now on. Anything at all.

This is going to be fine, I try my hardest to convince myself. This will all be over and done with soon enough and I’ll wonder what I was so scared about. I’ll forget all about my fear.

“Hello.”

All of a sudden I hear a voice that makes me spin around in shock. It’s the one person I insisted that I wouldn’t have an appointment with, so he must have seen me coming in.

“Louise.”

“Oliver?” I gush in desperation while flicking my eyes everywhere. “What are you doing here? I have to see a doctor in a moment, you know I have an appointment today…”

“With a gynecologist?” he asks while taking a step closer to me. “What for?”

I cross my arms over my chest and feel my entire body heat up with shame. I really don’t want to have this conversation with him of all people. I shake my head and turn away from him.

As I stare at the white wall in front of me, I answer him sharply. “I have a thing called doctor and patient confidentiality. I don’t have to tell you anything and I really don’t want to.”

“But I’m your doctor.” I can almost feel his body heat zoning in on me. “I’m the person that you’re here to see, so if you want me to examine you then you have to let me know what’s going on.”

I spin back with my eyes wide open with shock.

“What the hell are you talking about? I didn’t book an appointment with you. It’s inappropriate for me to do so since we work together.”

Oliver shrugs and he half smiles at me. “It’s okay if we both agree to it. There aren’t any rules that suggest otherwise.” He reaches forwards and lightly brushes his fingers across my cheek which causes a fluttering sensation in my heart. “And since I’m the best damn doctor here, in this office and probably in the state I don’t know why you’d want to see anyone else.”

I can feel myself melting, but only for a split second. The idea of me letting him see me all exposed, especially when I consider what might be wrong with me, it’s humiliating.

“No, I can’t see you.” I step back, creating some distance between us. “I need to see someone else.”

“There isn’t anyone else available today, so if you don’t take this appointment right now then you’ll have to wait until at least tomorrow.” His chocolaty smooth voice is almost too much, how am I not used to him yet? “And even then, you still might have to see me since I’m the best that there is.”

“That’s fine. I’ll wait.” My stubbornness fights my desperation to find out if the Internet is right. “I don’t need to see you right now. I can wait until I can see someone different, someone that I don’t have to work with every single day.”

I grab my bag and turn to leave. “See you later, Oliver.”

He grabs onto my arm and spins me around to stare at him. “Louise, I can promise you that I’ll be professional, I won’t treat you in any way that I wouldn’t anyone else. Just because we work together, it doesn’t mean that it has to get weird. We don’t ever have to talk about it out of this room. I really am the best of the best and I don’t think you deserve to see any less. I care about you and I want to help you.”

His warm brown eyes are dragging me in, I can’t seem to help myself. As much as I want to pull away I can’t seem to do it. “Please, Louise, let me help you.”

There’s something about his look that makes me want to relent. Mostly, I just want my answers and right now before I spend another night of sending myself insane.

“Do I have to tell you what’s wrong with me?” I ask quietly, already knowing what the answer is going to be. “I don’t really want to. It’s embarrassing.”

“You kinda do,” Oliver chuckles. “Unless you’re here for just a check-up, which I don’t believe you are, then I need to know what I’m looking out for.”

My eyes fill with tears, I hate that I have to do this, but actually there’s a small part of myself that might take satisfaction in telling Oliver all of this. I guess I want him to know that he isn’t the only one who has people attracted to him. Even though the story is a mess and it has a tragic ending, I want Oliver to know that I’m desirable, that I’m someone worthwhile, even just for a quickie at a party. I want to know if he’ll feel like I did when I saw him with his patient. All sick and upset inside.

“Fine,” I sigh loudly. “I had a… erm…” Oh God, this is going to be so much harder than I originally thought it would be. “At Julia’s party the other week I, erm, I…” I close my eyes and hate myself even more. “I had a one night stand and ever since then I haven’t felt good. I just want to check that everything is alright with me.” I say the last part really fast, needing to get it out.

Oliver doesn’t say anything for far too long which forces me to prize my eyes wide open. He doesn’t look as disgusted as I feared, he just looks stunned, like I’ve shocked him to the core.

“At Julia’s party?” he asks quietly, in a grave tone of voice. “A few weeks back?”

I nod. “Yes, then. I guess I got a bit drunk and things went a bit far.” This might be a bit much for Oliver, he doesn’t look like he can handle it. “If that’s too much, I can just wait until tomorrow and see someone else. I know this is horrible.”

I throw my hands into the air, in a distressed gesture. “I never thought I’d be the sort of person to end up in this kind of mess. I can’t believe it.” A stray tear rolls down my cheek and I wipe it away rapidly. I don’t deserve to cry, I’m the one who got myself in this damn mess. “A moment of madness that I’m now paying for.”

“Who’s the guy?” he asks without looking me in the eye. “You could have been out with me, but you weren’t, so who was the guy?”

That statement is strange, it makes me feel all weird inside. It definitely isn’t appropriate but I feel compelled to answer it anyway. “I don’t know who he is, and nor does Julia. Just someone who wooed me and vanished. Some asshole, which is just my luck.”

As mine and Oliver’s eyes connect I wish I knew what he was thinking but he isn’t giving anything away. His face is blank, and that terrifies me…