Chapter Sixteen – Louise

“Who the hell is that?” Julia gushes to me while clutching onto my arm hard, stopping me from leaving the doctor’s office. “What the fuck is going on here? I don’t understand it.”

“”Huh?” I follow her eye line, not really paying much attention to her words as I drag my eyes of the screen of my cell phone. “What are you talking about, Julia? This better be good, I… oh my God.” A thick ball of painful emotion lodges itself in my throat as I see the horrifying, shocking sight that lays before me. “Who is that?” I repeat what Julia just said. “What the fuck is going on?”

She drags me back into the office while I try and catch my breath for a moment. That was definitely Oliver, and he had his arms around another woman outside his work place, publically as if he wants everyone to see. As if he doesn’t care about how this makes me feel at all. I clutch onto my chest and bend forwards, feeling like I really might vomit at this moment. I’m sicker than ever.

“What was that?” Julia shakes her head as if she’s trying to figure something out. “I thought… well, I thought that there was something happening between the two of you. I know that you’ve always denied that there’s anything, but it’s so damn obvious it hurts. At least… I thought it was.”

“No,” I rasp quietly. “No, there isn’t anything between me and Oliver. There never has been.”

Julia moves towards the window and she peers through it, screwing up her nose as she does. I want to keep away because I know the image will hurt me, but I’m dragged in by the magnetic force between me and Oliver, and I watch him and the mystery woman have a very familiar moment. They know one another well, they’ve definitely been intimate with one another, which really stings. Actually, it hurts so badly I can barely breathe. I’m not sure if this is the woman I saw him with in his office that time, she certainly looks very similar. If so that means they might have been together the entire time. That means what happened between me and him was cheating, which makes me feel guilty even more. It was already a really gray area and now it’s just a total and utter mess.

Oliver opens the door and he indicates for this woman to step inside. She’s about to sit in the seat where I was sitting not that long ago… only she belongs there and I really didn’t. As she’s about to take her seat, she leans up on her tiptoes and kisses him without any restrictions. I hate it, it makes me cringe violently inside, my fists ball up by my side as rage and terror bursts through me.

I thought there was something between me and Oliver too, I assumed that while we couldn’t act upon it, it was there sizzling between us. That was a fear which certainly got proven during my examination when we hooked up… but now I can see that was just another meaningless thing. It meant nothing to him, and I really need to stop thinking about it. I need to forget it ever happened. I thought that Oliver didn’t mention it because I made it obvious I was uncomfortable with it, but now I think that maybe he didn’t want to talk about it because he’s a cheating scum bag.

My judgement of people is clearly bullshit. How the hell am I so bad at knowing what people are like? I got so sucked in by Adam, it took him a few seconds to fool me, and then Oliver. I’ve been so happy getting to know him, I genuinely thought that he was awesome. I knew that my crush on him could never become anything, because of the age difference, because of the fact that we work together, and especially because I’m pregnant. Of course, we could never become a thing.

But still, this is the worst. This is utterly killer. As the car pulls away I feel my soul vanish.

“Are you okay, Louise?” Julia asks me in a very concerned tone of voice. She looks at me with knotted eye brows and a screwed up nose. “You don’t look so good. Is this… does this really hurt?”

“I’m just realizing that Oliver is horrible,” I reply a little breathlessly, my emotions churning as I speak. “I thought he was a nice guy, I’ve been really open and honest with him, I’ve let him in at this really difficult time, and now… well now I’m seeing that he’s just another asshole.”

“Okay.” Julia grabs onto my arm and she pulls me down into the seat beside her. “What’s going on here? Has he been leading you on? Because you both keep telling me that nothing is going on between you even though it’s obvious that there are feelings there. Will you just be honest with me? I’m your friend, I just want you to let me help you. I really am trying.”

I nod while breathing slowly, knowing that she actually is doing her best to be my friend.

“I know, you are and I haven’t been honest with you.” A tear balls up in the corner of my eye but I don’t let it fall. I refuse to cry anymore, I’ve been like a damn facet recently. “I do like Oliver, I’ve liked him ever since I first laid eyes on him.” Urgh, I hate myself but I do need to speak the truth here, finally. Even if it hurts and it makes me look like an idiot, I need to just be honest. “Of course, I wasn’t ever going to do anything about it because I’m working with him, but it was there. I think that might be why I hooked up with Adam. I wanted to forget for just a moment.”

Julia makes an apologetic noise. “Yep, we’ve all been there. It never ends up well.”

“Yeah, so that happened and then while Oliver was examining me… things happened between us.” I bite down on my bottom lip, knowing how unprofessional this sounds. “We fooled around a bit. I thought… well, I thought that he liked me and that it was the news that followed which tore us apart. I assumed he didn’t pursue it because I’m pregnant. Now I know it’s because he has a girlfriend.”

My head falls into my hands and I sigh with devastation. I feel like a real idiot. Even more so. I feel like ever since I’ve started this job and I’ve met Oliver I’ve changed. I’m not myself, I’m acting like someone who isn’t me at all. I’m not the girl who does any of this. What must Julia think of me?

“Louise, I have to ask you something.” Julia grabs my head and pulls it up to make me look at her. “Do you think that maybe you might be in love with Oliver? It’s starting to sound like you do.”

Love? No, that can’t be it. I shake my head rapidly, needing to kibosh that idea. “No, I definitely don’t love Oliver, this isn’t that at all. I know I’ve had a crush on him but this isn’t about that. I thought he was a nice person but he isn’t. He hasn’t acted like my friend at all. I’m just shocked, that’s all.”

Julia sighs and she wraps her arms around me. “Okay, if you say so. I’m going to believe your words, but just know that if you do realize that you’re in love with him I’m always here for you.”

I don’t like the way her words make me feel, mostly because she’s being accurate with her assumption. I do think that somewhere along the way my feelings transferred from just a simple crush to something dangerously close to love. I just didn’t realize that I was in it alone. I thought we were sharing meaningful looks, I assumed that our sweet friendship was special to both of us. The main reason that I’ve been able to do this so far is because he’s been so supportive of me. He told me that he would be there for me no matter what, but he isn’t going to be. He’s already gone.

I really am going to do this alone. Shit, that’s utterly terrifying. I’ll be all by myself, forever.

“Come on, Lou, let’s get the fuck out of here.” Julia stands and she holds out her hand to me. “Being at work isn’t helpful. Let’s get you home where we can talk about this more.”

Nope, I can’t hack it, even the thought of talking is sickening. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” I tell her seriously. “I just want to watch crap TV and eat all the food in my apartment. I don’t want to feel like hell over Oliver anymore. Or anyone for that matter.”

“Whatever you want.” Julia’s tone is soft and sweet. “Let’s just get you out of here.”

***

Sleeping isn’t working. Ever since I found out that I was pregnant I’ve been exhausted. Sleeping hasn’t been an issue for me at all, but tonight I just can’t do it. Every time I close my eyes I’m filled with a horrifying vision of Oliver and his glamorous girlfriend. To be perfectly honest I can’t really remember what she looks like so my brain is concocting up images that are too much to bear.

I turn onto my front, groaning loudly as a hot pain radiates through my chest. This is agony, it’s horrible, he should have told me. Maybe he didn’t say anything because he assumed that I knew, but I really wish that he had. I wish he hadn’t brought me into his cheating, I wish he wasn’t so nice to me, I wish he didn’t make me feel like he cares when he doesn’t. I wish so many different things… I wish we could just damn well be together, that’s what I really wish. I want to have met Oliver in different circumstances where I could be the one kissing him freely. If we didn’t work together then none of this would have happened. I wouldn’t be pregnant with the vanishing man who still no one can find, not that I’ve tried very hard, I wouldn’t be killing myself over him, maybe I’d actually be happy. Or maybe I wouldn’t have noticed him at all, and I could be blissfully living as I was before. I could still be focused on my studies, not caring about any of this real life stuff.

Damn it, maybe I do love him, maybe Julia is right.

But no, it isn’t me with Oliver, it’s someone else. Someone more beautiful, more age appropriate, more sophisticated… someone the opposite to me. Someone who deserves him more than I do. I can never be his now, not when my life is such a mess. It’s never going to happen. I’ve always known that, but now I really know that. It hits me hard in the face and also in the gut.

I bolt upright in my bed and give up on trying to sleep because it simply isn’t working. Instead I heave myself out so I can slump back on the couch and flick the TV back on. Julia only just left, I’ve only just forced myself off that couch but it’s pointless being anywhere else. At least when I’m watching shitty shows I can barely think of Oliver and his beautiful girlfriend. I don’t remember the moment of them kissing, and hugging, and getting into the car together, probably to go to the same bar that he took me. Maybe that’s what Oliver likes, maybe he enjoys taboo relationships and he gets off on taking his affairs to the same place as his girlfriend. Maybe that’s just what he does…

I suppose there’s only one good thing that can come with this, if Oliver is being more open and honest about his girlfriend then people won’t be gossiping about us. They won’t be so inclined to think that my baby is his when the news gets out. Every cloud has a silver lining… I think.