Chapter Twenty Two – Louise

“I’m so glad you’re feeling better now,” Oliver comments with a smile over dinner. “You look a lot less pale than you did this morning anyway. All the relaxing must have helped.”

I try to look just as happy back but the truth is I can’t muster up a genuine smile to save my life. Today is the day when I have to admit something before it eats me up alive, and I know that as soon as I do, things will be too strained between us to stay. Luckily, during my time here I’ve managed to save up enough money to book a motel room for a little while during which time I’ll figure out my next move. It isn’t ideal and to be honest I know fully well that it would be so much easier to keep my mouth shut and to just keep on going, but I can’t ignore my feelings any longer.

Every single time I’m anywhere near him my heart skips about ten beats, my tummy churns painfully, butterflies flap everywhere… Julia’s words have got me thinking and I’m pretty sure that I’m head over heels in love with Oliver. Like, full on, properly in love. The sort that makes absolutely no sense at all. Me and Oliver shouldn’t be together for so many reasons, but I want him so bad that it hurts. It isn’t dying down, it’s only getting worse and I know that once the baby comes and my hormones are all over the place that’ll only get more complicated. I can’t have a clean break, but I can create some distance and I’m pretty sure that’s what I need right now.

God, I hate it. I don’t want to be away from him, but it’s essential. Sure, even only working with him will be hard enough because all those feelings will still be there, but at least there will be some separation. At the moment there isn’t an escape, he’s absolutely everywhere in my life.

“Oliver, I… I need to erm,” God why is this so hard? “I need to talk to you about something.”

“You do?” He doesn’t look up from his plate, he doesn’t seem too concerned. “What’s that?”

I suck in a deep breath of air and try to calm down the ice cold panic that’s currently circling me painfully. This is a speech that I’ve been practicing all day long, ever since I finished packing, but somehow, I still don’t have it right. How am I supposed to say the most terrifying words ever?

“Yes, I do. I… I don’t think I can carry on living here. I think it’s time I move out.”

“What?” Now I have his full attention, his gorgeous, soul piercing eyes are staring right at me. “What the hell do you mean? Why do you have to move out? What’s happened here?”

I sigh and rub my forehead hard. There’s a head ache forming in my brain that’s practically agony. “I don’t think it’s healthy for me to stay.” I try to be diplomatic. “I’m going to have to move out once the baby is born anyway, so I think it’s better I do that as soon possible. It just makes sense.”

Oliver leans back in his chair and he runs his eyes over me. With his eyebrows furrowed and his lips pursed tightly together I can tell that I’ve upset him. I want to cringe and start over. I needed this to be smooth and painless. I should have known it wouldn’t work like that.

“It doesn’t make sense, not really,” he starts in a slightly cold tone of voice. “Because you have months left and I don’t think you’ve saved up enough money yet. I don’t think that’s the reason, I think there’s something else. Why don’t you just tell me what it is? I think you owe me that much.”

I know I do, he’s right about that one. He’s opened up his home to me and fed me lots. He hasn’t asked for a single penny off me and he refuses any cash I try to offer him. I do owe him but the more I think about it the more I don’t know if it’s a good idea to tell him the full truth. We do still have to work together after all. Maybe I can get away with not admitting my feelings.

“I know I owe you. I am being honest with you, I’m just trying to be honest.”

“Louise, come on. I’ve known you for long enough to know that you aren’t. There’s something going on with you and I want to know what it is.” His expression turns pleading, I can tell that the begging is about to come and I don’t know how to resist it. “Please. We’re friends.”

“Yeah, yeah we are.” I slide my eyes closed and I try to prepare myself. I need to end this conversation somehow. “But I don’t think it’s a good idea if I’m honest because it’s going to really complicate things. I think it’s best if we just leave it as it is and I just go.”

I stand up and I take my plate over to the sink. I’ve hardly eaten a thing because I feel so sick. I don’t think I can push anything between my lips without throwing up.

“So, you’re just going to go now because you think it’s the ‘smart thing to do’?” Oliver stands up and he moves nearer to me. “And you aren’t going to give me any more than that?”

I plant my hands on the kitchen counter and I sigh loudly. I’m bracing myself, trying to find the right way to say goodbye without inviting in a million more questions, but I don’t get a chance to. Oliver wraps his arms around my waist from behind and he buries his face into my neck in a way that definitely isn’t friendly. All my feelings burst to the surface, I can feel tingles racing right through my system, my heart thunders painfully against my rib cage, I don’t know what to do with myself.

“I… I…” My eyes fall closed, my head rolls to one side. This is too much, it’s absolutely overwhelming. “I don’t know what to say.” I gasp. “What do you want from me?”

His hands slightly trace up my sides and I shudder violently. I don’t know why but he’s trying to drive me crazy. Maybe he thinks that’s the best way to get the truth out of me, and I’m ashamed to say that he might be right. I can already feel my tongue really loosening up.

“I want you to tell me the truth,” he murmurs into my ear. “That’s all. Easy peasy.”

“I know you think so but it isn’t. I can’t tell you because it’ll make things weird.”

His mouth is so close to my neck, he might start kissing me at any moment. The pressure building up in my chest is so intense that I could explode. I almost want to lean into the kiss to get the sensation that I’m desperate for but I do what I can to stop myself. I’m supposed to be moving out today, I had the whole day all planned out, I don’t know where it’s gone so wrong.

“I’m going to be honest with you, Louise.” The way that he says my name is so seductive I could scream. “Things are already weird between us so I don’t see how you can make it worse.”

“I… I like you,” I mutter as my head lolls sideways. “I think I might even love you.”

He yanks away from me, leaving my body cold and alone. Just as I think I’m about to regret the words leaving my mouth he turns me and he stares at me deeply in the eyes.

“You are leaving because you love me?” He drags his eyes away from me and he paces up and down the room at a pace that’s weirdly quick. “You’re leaving… because you love me. You can’t stand being around me because you love me. You, Louise, you love me. So now you’re leaving here.”

“The more you say it, the crazier it sounds.” I let out a small sound that’s a little bit like a laugh. Sort of. “But it also isn’t going anywhere. Now that it’s out there, I might as well be honest.”

Oliver doesn’t say anything for the longest time. It’s uncomfortable how silent the room is, even my breathing feels really damn noisy. I can barely stand it. In the end, I feel compelled to leave the room to go and get my stuff. My bags are piled up on the bed where I left them earlier on. I knew as soon as I packed them that this moment wasn’t going to be easy, but I didn’t think it’d be this hard.

This is for the best, I tell my much too emotional brain. It’s hard now, but better in the long run. The sooner we separate from these confusing emotions the better.

The fact that Oliver hasn’t followed me into the bedroom speaks volumes. I pretty much laid my emotions on the line for him and he said nothing. Well, not nothing. He said an awful lot but none of it was positive. He didn’t say that he loved me too, that hasn’t escaped my notice. But maybe that’s better. I don’t think I want him to love me really, not for anything except my ego. It isn’t nice to know that my love isn’t requited, but in the long run that’ll make him so much easier to get over.

“Right.” I throw a backpack on my back and arrange the others in my hands. “Time to go.”

I try not to look around my amazing bedroom because I know how much I’m going to miss it. I’ve loved living here, it’s been the best few months of my life and not just because I’ve been close to Oliver the whole time but because the bed and the room is amazing too. It’s so comfortable and warm, so inviting and lovely. I know for a fact that I won’t get anything as nice ever again. Wherever I go next, it’ll be awful compared to this. It’s truly going to suck.

I move through Oliver’s home with my eyes fixed on the ground beneath me, refusing to look at anything. I’ve tried my hardest to desensitize myself but now I have a horrible feeling that whatever I see will change my mind. I really want to stay, but I can’t. I’ve slammed the final nail into that coffin for sure. There’s no way I can be here with my feelings out there. How embarrassing!

“Louise!” Oliver calls out to me just as I get to the front door. I want to be relieved but he still sounds all kinds of messed up. “Wait a minute. Come back here, you can’t leave like this!”

“I have to go.” There’s a crack in my voice, the deep emotion is shining through. “Like I said, it isn’t healthy and it’s not sensible either. I need to get myself set up. I have to work out what I’m going to do next. I can’t do that while I’m here with all these confusing emotions.”

I hear his footsteps racing through the house. He’s not letting me get out that easy. I pause and wait for him to come to me. I don’t know why but I can’t make that step outside until we have this one final show down. I do owe him, so I’ll talk, but he won’t change my mind, no matter what. This is what’s right, and I know that he’ll see that soon enough. Once I’m gone and Oliver’s had a moment to digest it all, he’ll understand why I had to go. I just hope that he doesn’t hate me after all of this, I still want him around, and I’m still very grateful to him. He’s been the best friend I could have asked for, it’s my fault these feelings developed and strengthened, not his.