Chapter Fourteen – Louise

I don’t know what I’m doing here in this strange bar with Oliver, I really don’t. I told myself, and Julia when she came around to hang out with me last night, that I would get back to normal for the time being. That I was just going to act like I always did while I got used to the idea of being pregnant… and seems like already I’m breaking this. It’s almost like a date with Oliver, which is strange. It’s weird because of the unspoken oral sex that happened between us, and also because of my baby.

I don’t know what the hell is going on, but it’s happening now. I might as well get used to it.

“Here you are,” Oliver declares with a smile while he settles two identical looking glasses down. “Two orange juices. Just what we need after a long day in the office.”

“You can drink alcohol, you know?” I chuckle as I grab up my glass to take a long, cool swig from it. “You don’t have to restrict yourself because of me. I don’t mind, I wouldn’t blame you.”

“I’m driving anyway, so it’s fine.” He shrugs and sips. “Plus, I like OJ.”

“Fair enough. Let’s cheers then.” I don’t know why I’m acting so giddy and foolish, I suppose it’s the fact that I’ve been allowed to do some pretty awesome stuff at work today. I’ve been trusted, which feels nice. Especially at a time when I’ve very much proven that I can barely trust myself. We clink our glasses together and call out ‘cheers’, acting like two crazy college kids. In reality, I’m a very sensible trainee doctor and Oliver is potentially old enough to be my father… if he had me at seventeen or eighteen years old. He’s handsome for his age, strikingly so, but there’s no denying the giant age gap between us. I’m sure no one could know that it isn’t all innocent…

No, stop it. I drag my eyes away quickly. I have another man’s baby inside me. I can’t think about Oliver as a sexy man who’d old enough to be my dad, but I still fancy the hell out of. It’s wrong.

“So, is there really anything you want to ask me about today?” Oliver asks while placing his glass back on the table. “Or did you just want to get out? You seemed to have it very much under control all day long so I doubt there’s anything you can teach me.”

His words have so many layers. I’m sure there are plenty of things he could teach me that aren’t anything to do with work… oh my God, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I keep my mind out the gutter now that I’m alone with Oliver? It must be my hormones, I don’t know what else it could be. Yes, I was attracted to him long before I fell pregnant, but this is off the scale.

“I don’t think there is, to be honest.” I pause to think but nothing instantly comes to my mind. I think I’ve got it. “Do you have any comments for me? You were watching me all day long.”

“I do have something to say, but it isn’t anything work related. Is that okay? I don’t want to overstep any boundary here. I know that’s something we’re trying to establish.”

Instantly my core pulses hard as I remember the sensation of his mouth pressed against me. It isn’t something that I’ve been able to think of a lot since I got the baby related news afterwards, but now I can’t think of anything else. For boundary related reasons, I know I should turn him down, but there’s a need too deep inside of me that I can’t seem to ignore. It threatens to drive me insane.

“Sure,” I rasp while inadvertently leaning in towards him. “Whatever you want to ask, please ask.”

He bites down his bottom lip and flicks his eyes downwards. The butterflies that flap away in my stomach turn into giant birds, my heart dances, my tummy churns, I feel all mixed up and desperate as I wait for him to put me out of my misery… something that he takes far too long to do.

“It’s about your baby.” Oh. Everything settles with a thump. This is going to be something serious, not sexy and exciting, which is probably for the best to be fair. “What are you going to do?”

Urgh, that question. The what am I going to do question that I can barely stand. Julia kept asking it last night, and I know what she thinks I should do but it really isn’t that straightforward for me. There are complications in my life that I haven’t shared with anyone and to be honest I didn’t think I would have to. It’s a part of my life that I left far behind me and I didn’t want to have to go back to. I certainly didn’t think that it would be something like this sending me flying right back into it. I look up at Oliver, wondering how desperately he needs to know, and it’s written all over his face.

I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I’d give this man absolutely anything.

“I won’t have an abortion,” I told him quietly and honestly. “I can’t. It just isn’t possible…”

“Oh well I understand that.” Oliver reaches across the table and he cups my hand. “Many people are against it, and that’s something that I respect.”

“No, no, it isn’t that.” I snatch my hand away while I explain. I can’t have anything distracting me while I reveal my past pain. “It’s not that I’m against it, I’m pro choice. I know that every situation is different and that everyone has to do what they have to do. There are some situations where it’s the only logical solution, I’m not here to judge. Not for one second.”

“Okay,” Oliver drawls, sounding suitably confused. “I understand…”

“It’s my mom,” I blurt out, accidently interrupting him. “She… she had an abortion and it killed her.” I suck in a few deep breaths and stare uncomfortably into my glass. I can’t see Oliver’s reaction, I don’t want his pity. “It was only me and mom, I never had a father around. I don’t know who he is at all.” The situation is too familiar, it actually hurts to think I might be repeating that cycle. “But despite all of that I was never close to Mom. I think we just existed on different wave lengths. Maybe I reminded her too much of my dad, I don’t know.” I shrug helplessly, fully knowing that I’ll never get my answers. “Anyway, that’s why I always focused so hard on my studies. I loved getting good grades and bumping up the classes, it made me feel really good about myself. I focused on that so I didn’t have to worry about the isolation I felt at home… which only led to more isolation..”

I pause for a moment to take a sip of my drink as the emotion starts to get to me. I want to look up at Oliver, to see how he feels about me after all of the sudden unloading that I did, but I can’t seem to do it just yet. I need to get the rest out and I know he isn’t expecting that.

“It was good when she started dating Derek when I hit fifteen years old but only for a while, maybe about a year actually or a little longer. They were happy for a while until the arguments started up.”

“It’s okay.” Oliver takes my hand again as he sees how much I’m struggling with it. “I understand, you haven’t had it easy, I don’t expect you to tell me all of this.”

But I can’t stop now, the flood gates have opened. “Derek left and my mom fell apart. I’ve never seen depression hit someone so hard. She just became this shell of her former self, never moving off the couch or doing anything. She didn’t wash or dress or move hardly. It was a miracle she kept on going for so long. Maybe…” I sigh, hating myself all over again. “Maybe if I’d understood what I was dealing with better I could have helped her, but I was young. I felt frustrated and overwhelmed so I didn’t ask for help, I didn’t tell anyone about it. I just kept on going.”

Finally, I force my eyes up and I can see the sympathy there in Oliver’s brown, warm eyes. I already know that he’ll never see me the same way again. I suppose it’s good that I’ve already destroyed his perception of me with the pregnancy because this doesn’t hurt quite as much.

“And then Mom found out that she was pregnant. It took her a little while to notice because she was such a mess, and I suppose I thought she was happy when she told me. I thought that she had a connection to Derek that could drag her back up and give her life a purpose again, but it didn’t quite work out like that. Instead she fell apart even more. She crumbled.” I shake my head at myself as a tear falls down. I shouldn’t still be so upset about this now, it’s crazy. “I didn’t even know that she was going for an abortion, not until afterwards when she told me in this really calm, clinical way.”

In my mind, I can still see this moment happening, like a vicious cycle that I can’t escape from. Obviously, she thought that she couldn’t cope with the memory of Derek and the pressure of raising a child alone again – which is something that I can only relate to properly, now that I’m going through a similar situation – so she decided to get rid of the issue. Only that didn’t help.

“I guess that sent her around the bend and she couldn’t cope with what she did. I erm, I got home from school one day to find her suicide note. She explained her guilt and said that she didn’t want to add to that by leaving her body for me to find. Instead she wanted to throw herself off a cliff somewhere.” The gut wrenching sensation of finding that letter crushes me even today. It makes me feel helpless and useless. I should have known, I should’ve done something. “No one ever found her body so I didn’t even get to say goodbye properly… but I can’t get rid of my baby knowing what it did to my mom. I’m not her, I won’t behave like her, but still I can’t risk it.”

I don’t tell Oliver this part, but there’s a bit of me that hopes Mom just started another life somewhere. That she decided not to kill herself and she simply shook off her identity and restarted somewhere else, somewhere that makes her happier. She wasn’t ever happy being a mother, I can see that now, so I hope she didn’t waste all her life for me. I want her to be there, somewhere, living her life to the fullest. When things get really tough, sometimes I picture where she might be. It’s always a different scenario, but every single time she’s finally happy and at peace.

“Louise, just know that I am here for you,” Oliver replies gravely. “If you give the baby up for adoption, I will help you. If you keep your child, I’ll support you.”

“But why?” I feel compelled to ask him. “It isn’t your responsibility.” I kind of wish it was. If this baby was Oliver’s I think things would be so much easier, but that’s impossible.

“Because I’m your friend and that’s what friends do. Just trust me, you are absolutely not alone in this, okay?”

As I gaze up into his warm eyes, I feel my feelings for him deepen. I’m torturing myself, I know that but I can’t seem to stop myself. I can’t pull away from him, even if I want to. He’s just so amazing.

“Thank you, Oliver,” I reply quietly. “That means the world to me. You have no idea how good it feels to not be in this alone.”