Chapter Thirteen – Oliver

I’m surprised as I see Louise in her work uniform the following morning, standing in the office as if nothing has happened at all. To be honest, with everything that happened yesterday I never thought I would see her again. As she ran from my room at the speed of light, I regretted everything. If only I’d let her see the doctor she originally booked in with, if only I hadn’t allowed myself to get lured in, if we hadn’t fooled around then everything could just be normal. I could be the friend I should be.

“Louise?” I ask her in a shocked tone. “What are you doing here?”

She straightens out her face but I can still see all the stress there, balled up behind her eyes. “I’m feeling much better now, so I’m here to work. I thought I had a bug but since I don’t, I don’t see any reason to keep away from working. I don’t want to get far behind with my studies anyway.”

“Right.” I drop all my files on my desk and give her a curious look. “Of course. But you are incredibly smart. I don’t see any harm in you having more time off. You’ll catch up easy.”

The façade breaks, but only for a moment. “No, I would much rather be here where I can keep myself busy and distracted. Plus, all my friends are here with me. I have Julia on the reception desk who I can speak to while I’m here. If I’m at home I’m completely alone.”

“I see…” I don’t know what I’m allowed to say and whether she prefers me to keep quiet. I need to test the boundaries a bit. “Well if there’s anything you wish to talk about.”

Her green eyes fix on me and I’m sad to see the sparkle gone. She definitely isn’t okay about this but she’s doing what she can to make it okay for now. I have to admire her, she’s gone from completely falling apart yesterday to standing here with her back stiff and her expression stoic.

“I’m okay,” she insists. “Thank you. But I just want to keep things professional, I just want to work. While I’m here, I don’t want to worry about anything else.”

“Sure.” I respect her wishes, and I understand that it’s probably for the best. “Whatever you need. You just do what you need to, and you know what? Why don’t you take the lead on some of the appointments today? I’ll be here with you, but you’ll be in charge. I know that you’re capable.”

“Oh my goodness, really?” She clutches her hands to her chest, seemingly in complete and utter shock. “Are you serious? That would be amazing, thank you, Oliver.”

As I see a spark of something other than tragic sadness on her face, I know for sure that I’ve done the right thing. Anything to take Louise’s mind off her problems while she progresses her career seems fine by me. She’s clearly ambitious and wants to go far, so having something positive to work towards is what she needs. Maybe, in all of this, we’ll have to just forget about that moment of madness we shared. It feels a bit empty to consider it as a dirty little secret, but I’m sure it’ll never be mentioned or talked about again. Louise probably just wants to forget that it ever happened.

The first patient comes in and I step back to give Louise the lead. I have to be here to do certain things, we can’t allow the trainees to do everything, but she’s good. She’s calm, considered, and very controlled. She’ll make an excellent gynaecologist one day… much better than me. I might be the best of the best, but I’ve always allowed distractions get to me. Not Louise, she’s much better than that.

As I watch Louise work, she’s at her happiest. It’s almost as if all the problems in the world simply melt off her shoulders and she gives herself over to the patient completely. She forgets about herself and becomes a tool, ready to be used in whatever way she’s needed. But once the patient leaves the room and she’s left with only her thoughts for company, I can see that intense sadness cloud her once more. That breaks my heart, and it also makes me regret every single one night stand that I’ve ever had before in my life. I’ve never stuck around for long enough to see the after effects of what I’ve caused. Of course, I’ve also never been stupid enough not to use protection, so it’s a little different, but the emotional damage is the same. I feel awful, and it makes me wonder how many hearts I’ve broken in the past. I hope it isn’t many, but I’m sure it is. I can trick myself into believing that it’s fine because I’m always upfront in the first place, but I don’t know whether it is completely correct. I’m sure there are still some scars.

I can’t make up for my past mistakes now, in a lot of cases far too much time has passed, but I can take care of Louise. I can be the friend that I was always supposed to be.

***

“What do you have planned for now?” The words burst free from me the moment the last patient for the day leaves.

I’ve been waiting all day long to ask this, which is probably why I sound so desperate now. “I mean… do you have anything going on after work? Plans with Julia?”

“Erm, no.” Louise shakes her head at me. “No, I don’t have anything planned. Just a night in studying, maybe have a bubble bath and read a book. Nothing terribly exciting.”

That all sounds much too lonely, which I know she wants to avoid. That gives me an in.

“Did you want to go out for a drink?” Shit, that sounded too date like, I need to get better at making my intentions crystal clear, especially when they’re innocent! “Like, as friends? Just for a chat? You’ve done such good work today and I thought you might want to go over it…”

“Oh.” Her face lights up in recognition. “Is this where you and the other fully fledged doctors go out for drinks? Are you offering me for a third time because I can’t turn you down again!”

She lets out a little laugh, but that only makes me feel horribly guilty. This isn’t like that at all, this is me wanting to get some alone time with her so maybe we can talk about some real stuff. I get that she doesn’t want to talk about it in the office, but maybe in a more relaxed environment we can get the flow of communication up and running between us again. We both need that.

“Erm, no, I was thinking more a one on one thing. So, you could ask me anything…”

Urgh, my excuse is so shitty, no wonder Louise is looking at me like I’ve grown an extra head. My stomach churns with embarrassment as I cringe deeply. I need to reel it in and take back my offer…

“I would like that,” she stuns me by replying. “Yeah, I’ve had a huge day today, there are some things that I would like to go over with you. That sounds awesome.”

Warm relief floods me as she accepts. There’s hope now, a chance that we can clear the air and make things right. I grab my car keys and smile at her, before indicating towards the door. We walk in silence through the building and to my car, and I notice Louise has her eyes fixed on the ground the entire time, She probably feels like everyone is watching her, wondering what she’s doing coming to my car with me, and to be honest I feel a bit like that as well. I can almost feel all the judging gazes prickling all over my body. Especially from the people who know my past. But this isn’t like that, this is something completely different. For once, it’s innocent and I feel good about that.

“This is a nice car.” Louise breaks the silence as she slides into the passenger’s leather, heated seat which is more comfortable than a couch. “It must have cost you a fortune.”

“Yeah, I suppose it did.” I smirk as I flick the engine to life. “But it’s totally worth it. I love the comforts and luxuries in it. I’m not usually so flash, but I like to have a few nice things.”

I keep my mouth shut about my home, which is almost mansion size in this city. Okay, so it’s far too big for one person but I like it. I’ve earned my money by working my damn ass off, I think I deserve to have some nice things. I do give to charity as well, so it’s not like I’m terrible.

“I would too, if I could afford it,” Louise weakly smiles back at me. “Maybe once I finish medical school and I’m a full-fledged doctor too, I’ll be able to…”

At that moment, she glances down at her stomach and I know why. She’s wondering how the hell she can have it all; a baby, a career, with no money and no support. As a rush of sadness washes over me all I want to do is offer her a decent sum of cash to help her out, but I know that’s inappropriate and it’ll make me look like an asshole. Plus, it’ll only be a band aid, it won’t fix the problem completely. There isn’t really anything I can do for that, it’s the responsibility of the mystery man.

“Yeah. I’m sure you’ll find a way,” I try my best to reassure her. “It’ll be fine.”

Louise doesn’t answer me, her eyes fixed on the window instead, meaning we make the rest of the drive in silence. I flick the radio on and fill the car with a slow pop song, but it doesn’t do anything to shake away the tension. I focus my attention on moving the car forward until we get far away from the hospital to go for our drink. I know the place where I can go for a more intimate time without running the risk of being disturbed by work colleagues. I don’t think is a secret for either of us but I’m sure none of us want to be interrupted. Especially if the conversation teeters into more sensitive areas. If Louise wants to tell me something private, I want to be able to just hear it.

“Right, here we are,” I declare in a gravelly voice as I pull up outside. As the car shuts down and the engine stops roaring, the silence becomes even more apparent. “Are you okay? Do you still want to do this? If you are not comfortable I can turn around and take you back home…”

“No, no, it’s okay.” Louise unclips her seatbelt and grins at me. “I don’t want to be at home just yet. I need a drink after that long ass day. I just wish it could be an alcoholic one…”

As she slides out the car I decide that I’m going to broach the subject of her baby once the time is right. Since she’s sort of mentioned it herself I feel like she’s opening up the gauge for me to do so. I really hope that I’m right, I don’t want to make a mess of things again. I don’t want to push Louise away, just when I feel like I’m getting her back. I’m desperate to keep her in my life, it’s like I’m addicted to her. She’s my drug and I need my fix. Maybe this isn’t like me, but that’s okay. I’m growing, becoming a better, more well known person. Growing up, matching my age.

Well, either that or I’m just obsessed with her because she’s even more out of bounds now. Either way, I don’t want to let her go just yet.