Chapter Twenty Five – Oliver

I twist onto my side and smile down at the vision of beauty lying next to me in my bed, just like I have done for most of the night. It’s hard to sleep when everything is changing for me in the best way possible. Louise is so wonderful, I honestly adore her. She looks so right in between my sheets, her eyes closed, an angelic look on her face, and her heavy breathing. I like it far too much, I’d like to maybe make it a permanent thing… oh God if only I could make it a permanent thing. I mean, can I? Could I give it a go? Could I actually forgo every single one of my fears to make this work? Louise is the only one I would be even willing to try for, which maybe says everything.

Louise is willing to take a chance on me. She knows everything about my past and she’s still willing to open up her heart to me and let me in. She told me that she loves me last night and she stayed with me despite her better judgement to leave. She even said that we’ll work things out… she’s willing to let me into her life and the baby’s life. Women don’t do that for anyone, especially someone like Louise, it means so much to me that she’d be willing to take a chance on a fuck up like me.

I owe her. It’s only right that I step up and I be a man. I really want to give it a try I’m just scared. Louise is open to me, she’s totally okay with me being so lame. I have to see what sort of man that I can be with her. For her, she’ll be new to parenthood too so maybe we can muddle through things together. I don’t want her to be alone and I don’t want to be alone either.

I push myself out of the bed softly and quietly, trying my best not to disturb Louise. She probably needs to sleep. The pregnancy is taking it out of her and last night was a bit of a wild one too. Phenomenal, the best night of my whole damn life, but wild. I need to let her sleep.

I pad out of the bedroom quietly and step into the bathroom. I think I already know the answer to what I want to do next, but the hot water will clear my head and make me certain. It’s been a real tug of war with my feelings ever since I first laid eyes on Louise. First there was the fact that I work with her and she’s much too young for me, then came all of the baby stuff, but my feelings never went away. I simply tried to push them down. They’ve only grown stronger. So strong that I might be willing to get into the most serious relationship of my whole damn life.

Once the water is hot enough I step under it and I enjoy the blissful feeling of the sprinkles of water dotting all over my body, relaxing my muscles. A fog clears from my brain as the water covers my face and still the answer in my brain is the same. I want to be with Louise so damn badly that I’m willing to try anything. I will turn my entire life upside down just to give it a go. The man who thought I was incapable of being in a relationship is long gone and now I feel so much better about myself.

Yep, I think determinedly with a smirk playing on my lips. I’m really going to do this.

I step out the water and wrap a towel around my waist with a giant smile on my face. I don’t even bother to get dressed, instead I head into the kitchen and I bring the oven to life. What better way can I tell Louise that I’m diving in with both feet and I’m willing to give it my all, than with a lovely cooked breakfast for her. She deserves it, she deserves it all. She really is amazing.

Am I humming? I suddenly realize that there’s an odd tune coming out of my mouth that sounds suspiciously like a hum. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so happy that I’ve hummed before, this truly is incredible. But then what I used to think was happiness clearly wasn’t. That was just me filling the gap, convincing myself that I was happy when I wasn’t.

I wonder what Mom would think if she could see me now. Would she be happy to see me ready to let this wonderful woman into my life or would she be mad about the baby? I never mentioned that part when I spoke to her on the phone so her excitement didn’t involve that bit of the story… but then again who the hell cares? I haven’t ever lived my life for her before, so why would I change?

I flip the pancakes onto a plate and quickly fry up the bacon to go with it. I make it really crispy, just as I now know she likes it, and I pop it on top. I grab the bottle of ketchup to carry into the room with me. Apparently before she was pregnant she never used tomato sauce, but now sometimes she needs it, and other times she can’t stand it. I can’t risk putting it on just in case.

I take the plates into the bedroom at just the right moment. Louise is just waking up, maybe the smell is disturbing her, and as she turns to look at me, the happiest, most serene expression that I’ve ever seen crosses her face. My heart skips a beat and again I’m overwhelmed by how lucky I am.

“Hey there, beautiful,” I say quietly. “How are you feeling this morning?”

“Is that food?” she asks while pushing herself into a sitting position. “You made me food? Are you serious? That’s so sweet.” She extends her hand out to take the plate happily. “Wow.”

I wonder if she’s avoiding the topic of how she is on purpose. Maybe she doesn’t want to talk about it because she’s afraid of the part that comes next. We have been very up and down understandably so, and she doesn’t know how I feel now. I can’t wait to tell her.

“Here, food first.” I perch on the end of the bed and take a bite of my own food, which is surprisingly delicious. “But now I think there’s some things we need to talk about. Last night was…”

“Yeah, okay.” Louise looks resigned as she nods. “It was a mistake. I get that. I know we shouldn’t have acted so wild and I’ll still move out, that was the plan anyway and it’s probably more important than ever that we get some separation, isn’t it? Certainly, if we’re going to continue working together…” She won’t meet my eyes, I think she’s very upset. “I will, erm, just get my stuff…”

“No, no, no.” I shake my head and hold out my hands to stop her. “No that isn’t what I want to say. Actually.” I can feel a heat rising up into my face as I speak. Am I embarrassed? I never get embarrassed! “Actually, what I wanted to say is that I would love to give us a go.”

“Us? What do you mean us?” She furrows her brows looking confused. “What are you saying?”

I take her hands in mine and stare into her eyes, I need her to really see how serious I am as I say this. “Louise, I’m saying that I want us to be in a relationship.” Those words are surprisingly freeing, they feel really nice. “I want to give us a go, I want us to be together.”

She gasps and snatched her hands from mine to clap them to her mouth. The color drains from her face before she turns a funny shade of red. I almost want to laugh, but I don’t know how I feel.

“You want us to be together?” she asks, clearly not getting it. “Like, for real? But what about my baby?” She clutches her hands to her stomach. “Like I told you, I’m keeping my baby.”

“No, I know. I understand that. That doesn’t change how I feel at all.”

She cocks her head curiously at me, looking at me a little but like I’m an alien from another planet. I understand that, I don’t think I’m behaving like myself either, but I don’t mind that. I like this new version of me, he’s a much better guy than I used to be. I want to be him forever.

“So, you’re willing to be in a relationship with me, and take on my child? Have you gone completely insane? Do you even know what you’re saying?” She pushes her plate away from her. “Maybe we do need some time out so we can really think things through. Space could be good, couldn’t it? Don’t you think?” Maybe I’ve been too quiet because she’s probing me. “Oliver?”

“I don’t want time apart.” I push my plate to one side too and I slide closer to her. “I have been dancing back and forth on this decision for months and nothing changes. I still want to be with you, despite the fact that I’m a commitment phobe. I still want to be yours despite the fact that you have another man’s baby growing inside of you, I just want to give it all a go. I just want to be yours and I want you to be mine. Can we try? Please? Seriously? I really do want this, and I think you might too.”

She pauses for a moment and watches me, clearly trying to work out how serious I am. I wait patiently, knowing that this is as huge a choice for her as much as it is me. Probably even more.

“Okay,” she finally says in a slightly gushing tone. “Okay, yes that sounds perfect. Let’s try.” I lean in to kiss her but before our lips connect she presses out a hand to hold it against my chest. “But I just want to lay out a ground rule.” I nod, willing to give her whatever the hell that she wants. “I want us both to be able to pull out of this at a moment’s notice if it gets too much. Our communication needs to be impeccable and if either of us feel like it’s getting overwhelming then we can just take a step back and be happy. I don’t want there to be any pressure on either of us. Do you agree?”

I nod, she’s so smart that of course I agree. She’s thought of everything which only makes me prouder to be with her. I can do this, with her and her awesome attitude, we both can.

“Yes, Louise, I promise I’ll tell you if it all gets too much for me. So, you’ll give me a chance?”

Finally, I lean in and I get my kiss. I press my lips into Louise’s which causes my heart to explode with bliss. This time it’s real, it isn’t doused in fear and confusion. We both know exactly where we stand with one another and it feels great. Maybe this won’t work, maybe it’ll all fall apart and we’ll both end up heart broken, but we need to try. I don’t think I’ll be able to keep on going with a whole bunch of ‘what if’ questions floating through my brain. I don’t want me and Louise to be an unanswered question anymore, I want to know exactly where we stand. This feels so great.

“So, what now?” I murmur against her mouth. “What do you want to do next?”

“I want you to get back into bed with me.” She pulls me back into bed with her, causing my towel to fall away and drop to the floor. “And I don’t want us to ever leave this place. Can’t we just forget about the rest of the world and just live here? Me and you.”

“Mmm, of course we can.” I love that idea, it sounds utterly wonderful. “That sounds freaking incredible, Louise Wilter, let’s just stay here forever. Me and you.”