Chapter Twenty – Louise

“Are you sure this isn’t weird?” I hiss at Oliver for what feels like the hundredth time. “I understand if you don’t want to do this. It’s odd for me, so for you this must be nuts…”

“Louise.” He slides his hand into mine, interweaving our fingers together in a way that is far too couple like, but feels so good that it hurts. “If I didn’t want to be here, I wouldn’t be. But yes, for me being in any doctor’s waiting room is a bit strange, especially for this. I didn’t think I’d be here for a very long time. Maybe not even ever. You heard about my past, right?”

His little joke makes me laugh and eases just a little bit of the tension that forms in my chest. I might not be able to stop the butterflies flapping violently in my stomach, but at least I can giggle.

“How old are you now?” I tease in an easygoing way that’s come from our genuine friendship. “Did you think you’d be fifty years old and having kids? You’ll be too tired for them then.”

“Pfft, have you seen me? I’m in the prime of my life. I’m doing alright thank you very much.”

His hand doesn’t leave mine the entire time and I can’t help feeling like he’s my boyfriend. Since the real father of my child is nowhere to be found, it’s nice not to have to come to my obstetrician appointments all by myself. I was going to ask Julia to come with me, but Oliver offered. He stepped up, just like he has done over and over again for me, he’s been there where no one else has.

Again, I find my brain dipping into the daydream where I wish he could be my baby’s father. I know it’d be strange and it would make work very complicated, but then this could be something. The more time I spend around Oliver, the more we get to know one another, the more I like him. I wish that we could just be together, I wish this hand holding could all be real.

“So are you going to find out the baby’s gender?” Oliver asks me quietly as he leans in towards me. His breath tickles my neck which makes me shiver. “Or do you want to keep it a surprise?”

“I think I’m going to find out.” I nod determinedly. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I want to know. That way I can get myself more prepared. I can think of names too.”

“Do you have any ideas yet?” I wonder if Oliver meant to squeeze my fingers as he said that.

I have, but I don’t want to tell anyone any of them. At the moment, I’m acting like I’m definitely one hundred percent going to keep the baby and raise him or her myself after the birth, because right now I feel like that’s what I want to do. But in all honesty, I haven’t totally ruled out the idea of adoption yet. If I can’t cope with everything that’ll land on my plate, then maybe my child will be better off with another family. Since I don’t know anything about children and I have no idea how I’ll survive it, I’m currently keeping my options open. I think I know what I’m going to do, but I don’t want to rule anything out. So instead of answering Oliver, I shake my head coyly.

“Oh well, that might be for the best anyway. You can name your child after the birth when you know what he or she will look like. Something might instantly come to you.”

“Yep.” My heart skips excitedly in my chest. “We’ll see.”

There’s another pregnant lady sitting across from me all by herself. She clutches onto her belly, lovingly protecting her child in a way that I recognize well, but there’s a deep sadness in her eyes. I wonder what her story is, I wonder how similar we are. Maybe she made a spur of the moment mistake too, or maybe the father of her child ran off as soon as he learned that she was about to have a baby. Maybe she was married and her husband cheated on her. Either way, she’s all by herself now.

Almost as if she can feel my eyes upon her, she turns to look at me. Her eyes instantly fall to my hand that’s laced through Oliver’s and I can see the jealousy there. She thinks I have the support of my partner, that I have a baby coming into the world with a father. I’m sure she hates me right now because she thinks I have everything that she doesn’t. I almost want to reassure her that I don’t, that I’m in a similar mess to her. I want to admit that while me and Oliver seem to share some feelings, they’ll always be this unsaid thing hanging above us, a torture that can never be resolved.

But I don’t say any of that because I don’t want to be the insane person in the doctor’s waiting room. I also can’t discuss any of it in front of Oliver. We’re keeping things fairly superficial, neither of us are discussing our feelings, and it works. I don’t want to rock the boat.

“Louise Wilter?” Finally, one of the nurses calls out to me. “Are you here?”

“Yes.” I hold up my hand like I’m in school. “I’m here.” I rise from my seat and smile thinly at her. The nerves are back with full vengeance now. “Is it time for me to go in?”

“First, I’m going to take your blood pressure and then your bloods and a urine sample, later the doctor will take you through to the ultrasound room.” She raises one of her eyebrows at me. “While you’re here, we need to do all your tests to check that everything is okay with the baby.”

She indicates for me to follow her, but before I do I turn back to Oliver and I give him a desperate look. I don’t want him to wait here, I need him to come in with me. He seems to be waiting for permission because as soon as I stare at him he leaps up like he’s been electrocuted.

We walk down a stark, white hallway and into a room. I take the seat next to the nurse’s desk while she wraps the blood pressure machine around my arm. Oliver hovers in the corner, biting down on his thumb nail while he waits, looking ever the anxious father. Oh, if only he could be.

“Okay,” the nurse smiles. “Your BP looks good. Now I’m just going to do a blood test. Are you okay with needles?” I nod rapidly. As a doctor, I have to be. I might not much like them going into my body but I have to just get on with it. “And what about you, father to be?” She turns to Oliver. “You aren’t a fainter, are you? You won’t believe how many Dads we get panicking more than Moms.”

“Oh no…” I part my lips, ready to protest that Oliver isn’t the father of my child. I think it might be better if we clarify all of this sooner rather than later so it doesn’t get strange… but I don’t get a chance to clear it up because Oliver nods and answers her question, ignoring any weirdness.

“No, needles don’t bother me at all.” He steps closer and grabs onto my hand again. He leans down and gives me a warm, crinkly smile. “But I’ll hold onto you, just in case.”

I don’t even notice the needle sliding into my arm, all I can focus on is Oliver. He’s really acting like he’s my kind and doting partner right now which is sending my hormones flying everywhere. All I want to do is wrap my entire body tightly around him and never let him go. I want to tell him that he has to stay with me, that we need to be a family even though he isn’t the biological father of my baby, and that he doesn’t have a choice in the matter. But I can’t, because I’m not a crazy person. He’s obviously just acting this way to stop the nurse from asking a million and one questions.

“Right and now here’s the pot.” The nurse hands a urine pot to me with one hand while she pats the blood spot on my arm with the other. Multitasking brilliantly, like all the best medical professionals. “Once you’ve done your sample I’ll take you through to the doctor.”

I feel a deep pull in my chest as I leave Oliver with the nurse, like I can’t stand to be away from him for even a moment. I’m getting out of control, this is sheer madness. I get into the toilet and I do what needs to be done, all while trying my hardest to calm my racing heart down. Of course, this is confusing, I have a man being nicer to me than anyone who’s ever come before him and I’m attracted to him as well, but I can’t even think about acting on that now. Not when I need him. If I do or say anything to screw this up, then I’ll end up jobless and homeless on top of everything else. Oliver is the one constant, the one person who’s not changed even when my whole life has fallen apart.

I cannot lose him, I remind myself. I can’t do anything to scare him away.

I plaster a fake bright smile on my face as I head back into the nurse’s office. She’s chatting and laughing comfortably with Oliver like they’re old friends. He’s made her feel just as comfortable as he does everyone that crosses him. He has a way about him, a charisma that draws everyone in. She might even be flirting with him, which isn’t surprising. I don’t blame her at all, but I do want it to stop.

I cough awkwardly and step right into the room, making my presence known. Both of them turn to see me with no guilt whatsoever in their eyes. Of course, neither of them think that they’ve wronged me because they haven’t, but I don’t know if now I’m really wanted.

Maybe this is what it would be like to actually be Oliver’s girlfriend. It feels good to have found a negative, I don’t want to think that life with him would be perfect when I can’t ever have it. Maybe he’ll always be flirting, women will always be throwing themselves at him, and his poor girlfriend will always be jealous and on the sidelines. He hasn’t ever had a serious relationship yet, from what he’s told me, and maybe that’s why. Maybe he just cannot do it.

“Right.” The nurse moves to the door. “Let’s go and see your baby…”

The cold jelly across my stomach makes me jump, even the doctor’s warning wasn’t enough it’s almost painful it’s so cold, but I soon recover from the horrible sensation when I can hear a thumping heart beat sound and a grainy image comes up on the screen. Maybe I can’t see any shapes yet, but I know for a fact that it’s my baby, which instantly brings tears to my eyes. This is more emotional than I thought it would be! I’m falling apart already.

“Okay.” The doctor points at the screen. “This is your baby here.” I gasp loudly as the heart warming image comes to life. “Here’s the head, the stomach, the arms, the legs… and so far everything looks good. I can’t see anything that would cause me any concern...”

She pauses for a moment and examines the image closely. I can feel Oliver’s eyes on me as she does but I can’t look at him right now. I have a more important person to examine, my baby. A child that I made, pretty much all by myself. A rush of maternal love washes over me and I wonder why I ever thought I could give my child to someone else to care for. However hard it is, I want to do it alone. This is my child after all, we need to be together…

“Ah, do you want to know what you’re having? I can see right now.”

I gulp and nod. “Yes please.”

Oliver grips onto my hand and I let him do so despite the fact that I can’t look at him yet. This emotional moment is bonding us, tying us together even tighter and I have a horrible feeling that I’m never going to be able to extract myself.

“You’re having a baby boy.”

I crack, I crumble, and I sob as I learn the truth about my child, but Oliver’s comforting arms are around me in a second. He holds me close, and I can hear a crack in his throat too. I’m having a baby boy, I cannot believe it, and by the sounds of it nor can Oliver…