Chapter Eight – Louise

“Hey, Louise,” Julia calls out my name in a bright tone of voice. “How you doing?”

“Urgh, not good,” I grumble while clutching onto my flip flopping stomach. “I feel sick.”

“You’ve felt ill for a while now, is everything alright? It’s been like, weeks, hasn’t it?”

I scroll back in my brain and realize that she’s right. It has been a while since I’ve felt well. Ever since her party actually, which was about five weeks ago. What the hell is wrong with me? At first I thought it was guilt because I slept with that random Adam that no one seems to know, especially not Julia, but now… now I’m scared it might be something else.

What if I caught something? I feel scared as I cross my legs. Did we even use protection?

I don’t know if we did because it all happened in the heat of the moment and I’d been drinking so I wasn’t thinking smart and now I might be paying the consequences for that.

“Erm yeah, I might make an appointment to see someone actually. It has been too long.”

“You should book one here. You’ll get any treatment for free while you’re working here.”

Urgh, much as that sounds like the worst idea that I’ve ever heard but at the same time I can’t really afford anything out of what I’m already paying for at the moment, so I might have to. Hopefully I’ll get one of the doctors that I don’t see very often so I don’t have to be ashamed all the time.

“Right, sounds good, Julia. Thanks.”

She cocks her head and looks at me curiously. I try to drag a big smile onto my face but since she’s the closest friend that I’ve ever had she sees right through it.

“How are things with Oliver?” she asks me calmly. “Is he still being a bit of an asshole to work with?”

Actually, Oliver is being amazing at the moment. He’s being really nice to me, the sweetest guy ever, but still I’m closed off with him. I don’t know if I can open up ever again, things are incredibly strange and it’s all my fault. I’m the one who got all weird when I saw him hooking up with another woman, which he was perfectly within his rights to do so, and then the whole Adam bullshit happened which now I feel really guilty about. I can’t let myself be vulnerable with Oliver, I just can’t.

“He’s good actually,” I tell Julia with a smile. “He’s not that bad after all.”

“Uh oh. Are you mooning?” I knot my eyebrows together and I look at Julia. “Are you swooning over Oliver? You don’t like him, do you? I know that he’s hot but I’ve heard that he’s a player. You don’t want to fall for someone that you work with, it’ll be a nightmare.”

I shake my head vigorously, needing to put that rumor to bed before it spins wildly out of control. It isn’t that Julia is a gossip or anything, and I know she wouldn’t betray me, but I’m not ready to tell her yet. I’m barely ready to admit it to myself.

“Okay, so not swooning over Oliver. Is it still this mysterious Adam?” Julia giggles, mostly because she only thinks that me and Adam kissed and slept in the bed next to each other.

I don’t know why I didn’t admit the truth about that one because she told me that she hooked up with someone, I guess I’m not good at this whole one night stand thing. Or friendship thing actually. I need to get better at all of that. “Is he still playing on your mind? I’m still asking around for you but no one knows him yet. Someone has to though in the end, he couldn’t have come alone.”

Maybe he did, just to prey on me, to take advantage of my vulnerable nature and to riddle me with the disease. Maybe that’s something he does all the time, his name probably isn’t Adam. Whatever the truth is, I’ll never find out because I’m never going to see him again. He swooped into my life for just a moment, then he vanished. He wasn’t even there in the morning, he couldn’t stand me enough to stick around and say good morning.

“I don’t know about that. I don’t think I’m swooning over Adam either,” I tell her as I slide off my chair. “I think I’m just sick and I need to work out why. I’m going to write my name down on the appointment list then I’m going to get through this day without throwing up.”

“You know you probably shouldn’t be here if you’re sick because you might spread illness around to patients. If it’s a bug, you should go home.”

It isn’t a bug, and I know it. It’s something venereal, but I can’t admit that to Julia without telling her the whole sad, sorry story of my life which I’m definitely not ready to do, so I keep on walking out of the room, acting like I haven’t heard her and I don’t stop moving until I’m in Oliver’s office, waiting for him to come in to start work. He isn’t ever early, he’s always on time which is perfect today. It gives me a moment to gather up my thoughts.

I take a seat and I spin around on it while staring up at the ceiling. With Jonathon I was always sensible. I never would have gotten myself in this sort of position, but then I don’t think he was ever the type to not use a condom. He was always super smart and stoic, which I liked and hated all at once. It wasn’t ever passionate and exciting, but it seems that isn’t good for me either. If anything, acting on my feelings and not thinking anything through has only left me in a complete and utter mess.

“Hello, Louise.” I nearly roll my eyes as I hear Oliver’s voice. “How are you today?”

Gutted, sick, ill… but of course I don’t tell him that. I smile and tell him that all is good, just because it’s easier. “Yep, fine are you okay?”

“I’m good.” He takes his chair and looks at me. “Erm, I just wanted to tell you that me and the other doctors are going out for a few drinks again tonight if you want to come.”

God, I really want to. I want to make up for missing the last time, I want to hang out with Oliver some more too, but while I have my impending appointment coming up, which I still need to book, I don’t want to get to know any of the other doctors better.

“Oh I’m sorry, I’m not feeling one hundred percent myself at the moment. I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I give him a regretful apologetic look. “I don’t mean to let you down again, I definitely do want to come with you at some point but tonight isn’t good for me.”

“Oh right. You aren’t well?” Oliver runs his eyes up and down me, only thankfully this isn’t in a sexy way. “What’s going on? Do you need anything? I can always help you out…”

“No, thank you.” That’s the last thing on the planet that I want.

The idea of Oliver knowing my story is even more humiliating than the thought of telling Julia. I’d die before letting him know anything. “I’ll be fine, I’ll sort out a more specialist appointment today at some point.”

Oliver moves closer to me and he touches my chin gently. “You don’t look so good, I really do think that you might be ill. I think it might be a good idea if you go home.”

Urgh, maybe I should just go. Maybe it’d be easier than dealing with everyone here, and I really do feel like I might have a temperature coming on. I have some college work to go alongside my training to do anyway, so it isn’t like I’d have nothing to do. I don’t do well with lots of alone time with my thoughts. It makes me think too much, then I overanalyze.

“Okay, maybe I will,” I reply quietly, while hanging my head in sheer shame. “I’m sorry to let you down but I suppose it’s better that I get well.”

Oliver doesn’t say anything, he lets me go which I do really glumly. I drag my feet, giving him a chance to ask me to stay which for some reason doesn’t make any sense to the logical side of my brain, I want him to need me to stay. I want him to beg me to remain. But he doesn’t.

Once I get out to the reception desk and I notice that Julia isn’t there, I lean across and book an appointment with a girl I don’t know. I give her the bare minimum details, nothing that gives anything away, and then I leave as quickly as I can before anyone can ask any questions.

As I walk the short distance towards my apartment, my head spins everywhere. I’m just so glad that I live close enough that I don’t have to get on any form of public transport, that wouldn’t be good for me at all. I’m not in any sort of position to be dealing with the public right now. I just need to be alone, locked away in my apartment where I can deal with my disgusting side effect of my one night stand. I’m not the sort of girl to have an STD but here I am, potentially dealing with just that.

Urgh, I’m gross. I slam my way into my home and collapse onto the couch where I lie with my face in the pillow, so I can weep like a pathetic baby. As I cry I remember Adam’s face, and how much he looked like Oliver. If he hadn’t, I never would have transferred my feelings onto him and acted like a crazy person. I never would have given into the passion and had sex with him. I would have acted like my normal, sensible self.

The random moment of passion didn’t even feel good enough to be worth all of this. The compliments were nice enough and the kissing was kinda fun, but the sex wasn’t anything incredible at all. It was just a few moments of recklessness that might have changed everything. Even if it had been a lot of fun, nothing could be worth this right now. I feel sick, guilty, absolutely dreadful and that’s the way I’m going to have to feel until tomorrow when I have my appointment at the end of the day. That’s when I’ll get my answer. Until then I need to do what I can to forget it all.

Really, this is the sort of time I should have someone in my family to call. I should have a mother to go to for advice, or a father to talk about my boy problems with, but I don’t. I don’t even know who my father is, my mother never told me his name. To be honest I’m not even sure that she knew. She was always a flighty, cold woman who didn’t let anyone in. When she died, it crushed me badly as I didn’t want to lose my only remaining family member, but I never had an emotional bond with her anyway, I was just as isolated from her as I was with the rest of the world, but now that I’m having such a terrible time I could use the listening ear of someone who loves me unconditionally.

I roll onto my back and let the tears stream down my cheeks. Even if this is difficult, I’ve been through so much worse, I can deal with this too, and learn from it as well. I’ll give myself the rest of today to mope but that is it, after that I’ll get back to my normal self. I have to, I don’t have a choice, I’m getting through this alone just like I have done everything else in my life till today.