CHAPTER 18
Aidan
I unlocked the door and allowed her in before I carried the bags to the small closet area and placed them on the floor. The air was thick in here, and I licked my lips as she walked into the room and looked around. She’d never been in a hotel room before, and I smiled as her head swiveled around the room that I would once consider commonplace. Never again. “Is it what you thought it would be?” I asked her as she turned to look at me.
“I don’t know yet,” her words made me raised my eyebrow at her as she walked inside and over to the window. She looked outside, and I took in the arch of her neck in the light that was coming from the small entryway as my jeans tightened. “I feel so small up here in this room. There're so many others just like it and other people and…this is so new to me.”
She had done the same thing on the same day for years, her whole life. I didn’t think they even traveled like this for an overnight trip unless it might be to see family. She’d never been in a hotel with a television and a coffeemaker with a guy like me, or any man for that matter.
Elsa sounded homesick, and I felt guilty for dragging her into my mess all over again as I ran a hand over my sweaty head. She walked over to the bed and stared at the TV for a moment as I cleared my throat. “I’m going to take a shower. I’ll be quick, and you can take your turn. Sound good?” She nodded, and I walked forward and grabbed the remote from the stand and turned it on for her before I showed Elsa how to change channels on the screen. “Enjoy.”
I left her there alone in the room on the bed closest to the window. I grabbed some shorts and a t-shirt to put on after I was done and pulled the door closed behind me as I looked at it.
I left it unlocked like the asshole that I was. Was I hoping she’d come into the bathroom and join me or something? I undressed in the small bathroom and folded my dirty clothes before I set them on the toilet. I flipped the fan on before I leaned in and turned on the shower to hot. Memories flooded my mind as I stepped under the weak stream of water that always came with a hotel room and I imagined Melissa back in high school before I ever joined the Army. We were young with the whole world in front of us back then, and I even bought her a small diamond ring before I left for boot camp. Boot camp turned into my first tour of duty in Iraq where I killed my first child when he started to throw a bomb at me. I had orders to shoot to kill if I felt threatened and I did just that, but something inside of me broke when I watched his little body explode in a splattering of blood as he collapsed to the ground. The screams of the mother would forever haunt my mind as she ran out to her lifeless son and I wondered what was going on in her mind to be alright with him doing that. Well, before I wondered what the fuck had to be wrong with me to be able to shoot him?
I cried as I leaned against the wall and released all of my pent up emotions. I hadn’t come back the same from that, and I needed to explain to Melissa what happened to change me. Even knowing that she’d moved on and that she was happy now didn’t help me deal with the way we’d ended so painfully.
I was proud of the fact that I’d served my country, but I wasn’t sure if I was content with that decision now. I’d ruined lives because of it.
My memories moved onto Angela and what I thought was a new start for me. She’d helped me through so much, and I felt like a new man when we decided to start dating. She was so different than Melissa and kind and understanding as opposed to Melissa’s outgoing and bubbly personality. I was all in and despite things moving quickly, I committed myself to Angela until karma stepped in and reminded me of what a horrible person that I was. I’d ruined another life and had to piece my life back together all over again. Angela had been there for me through it and helped me even though she was suffering her pain. God, she was such a good person, and I’d ruined her life as well.
I scrubbed my body with the small bar of soap that they offered and felt my hands run over the scars that I would always have. As if my emotional baggage wasn’t enough, I had to look at my marred skin and see that forever as well. Though forever had become a lot shorter now and I thought again how it was God’s way of making me pay for all that I’d done.
My whole life flashed before my eyes as I regained composure of my emotions. I grew up a happy kid with great parents and brothers. We roughed each other up and fought more than our parents ever wanted, but we loved each other. I’d been proud of my father, and when he’d died, I used to tell everyone that he died in honor.
Did all of the people I’d killed die in honor as well? Did I make my dad proud by joining the Army in his memory, at least in part?
I refused to let myself think about Marion, and instead, I imagined Elsa sitting out there alone on the bed. If all that she’d told me was true, then Elsa had never been with a man before. I didn’t think she’d been kissed or had her hand ever held and here I was hard as I was thinking about her in here.
How could I want her so much when I was such an awful person? I was twisted and broken, and she was innocent and kind. I’d ruined enough women, and here I was longing just to go out there and bury myself inside of her. She was so beautiful and saw the world through such different eyes than I did. I could never see it that way again, and I worried about her future when I wasn’t there to protect her anymore.
Would she stay in my world and meet other guys? Would they take advantage of her and hurt her or would she go back to her family? Elsa could marry a good man there and live a quiet and safe life. That was all I wanted for her deep down, and I knew that I couldn’t give it to her. I was going to die, and I shouldn’t want her at all. I shouldn’t be so selfish to ruin another life in my path of destruction but hell if I didn’t want her right here and now. I didn’t know how I was going to get through the night knowing that she was so close to me. The night in the barn had been difficult enough, and she’d been able to leave.
Tonight, we were both here, and my body throbbed at the thought. I reached down to stroke myself with the hope that it would calm my racing hormones down.
There was a soft knock at the door, and I rinsed my face under the water as I wondered if I’d imagined it. “Aidan? Can I come in?” Elsa’s soft voice seemed to echo through the small space as I took a deep breath. I wanted to move out and get dressed, but I remained still for a moment. I was naked and hard, and she’d see that through the glass if I said yes. “Aidan?”
“Come in.” My voice was gruff as I spoke and I watched as the door opened and she walked in. The room was still steamy, but I could see her, and I knew that she could see me. My hand was still in place, and she peered closer before I turned my back to her and looked down at the floor.
What was she doing in here?