Chapter 13

Danica

 

“Are you okay, Danica?” Mom asked me as I stirred my bowl of cereal around and around again.

“Mhmm?” I glanced up in a daze, suddenly remembering where I was. I’d been sitting like a zombie for God knows how long, and it was a bit of a shock to be brought back into reality with a bump. “Oh yeah…yeah, sure, I’m fine.”

I was lying terribly, and I felt awful for that, but there was no way in hell that I could tell her the truth. Not ever–and especially not with it being so close to her wedding day.

I was late. Three days late. And that scared the living shit out of me.

Normally my cycle was so regular that I could set my watch to it, so the fact that I was late was absolutely petrifying. It meant something and I couldn’t think of anything else. My brain was desperately trying to come up with possible reasons for this–stress, wedding planning, change of routine–but I knew the truth. I just didn’t want to accept it. I wasn’t ready just yet.

In the heat of the moment, neither I nor Rhett even considered contraception and now I was having to pay the price for that. A lifetime of payment for a short time of fun. However amazing that was, I wasn’t sure that it was worth all of this worry that I was now experiencing.

The worst thing was that I’d practically blown Rhett off by not communicating with him for a very long time, so there was no way that I could go back to him now. Not with this information; it was too much. I was well and truly on my own with this one.

“Are you sure, sweetheart?” Mum sat beside me and grabbed my hand tentatively. “You don’t look okay.”

The knot that had been sitting firmly in my stomach for days screwed itself up even tighter. As I looked up into her eyes, feeling mine shine with tears, I wondered if it would just be a good idea to wait until the wedding was over before I did anything rash. Who knew? Maybe my period would show up before that and put an end to all of this.

But if you’re pregnant, you’re pregnant. No amount of waiting is going to change that.

“I’m fine, Mom.” I nodded seriously, acting like I was telling the truth. “I just have this horrible headache, and we’re out of aspirin.” I slid my chair backwards, ready to make my escape before she went to check the medicine cabinet to prove me wrong. “I think it’s all the stress. I’ll pop down now and pick something up. Do you want anything while I’m out?”

“No, I don’t think so.” She still had that concerned look on her face which made me uneasy. “You take it easy today; I don’t want you getting ill before the wedding.”

I let out a small sigh of relief, a day off from all the stress sounded absolutely amazing–whatever the result of the test that I was absolutely going to have to buy. “Thanks, Mom. I’ll see you in a bit.”

As the cool fresh air hit my face, I felt my pulse rate kick up a notch. I gasped in some deep breaths, hoping that I might just calm down, but it didn’t seem like that was going to happen any time soon. The closer I got to purchasing the pregnancy test and finding out the truth, the more worried I became.

I tried to picture myself with a baby, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t know how to even begin imagining myself holding a child, being a single mom. Where would I even begin? I was in no place in my life to have a child–I had no home of my own, no job, and I was still in college, for crying out loud! I’d spent the last few years studying towards becoming a lawyer–to follow in my mom’s footsteps–and that was what I’d always thought I wanted. Sure, as soon as I’d started the course, my desire for that life started to wane, but I’d begun then and it was too late to change. I hadn’t ever considered having a different life, and that terrified me.

Now all of my futures were beginning to fade away as an empty black hole of God knows what took its place. The not knowing was almost worse than anything else.

I stepped into the pharmacy and grabbed a pack of aspirin, a pregnancy test, and some protein bars–just to fill up my basket. I knew that being discrete was pointless, but I wanted to try all the same.

“Thank you,” the man behind the counter grumbled as he scanned my items. I felt my face heat up as he got to the test, but he didn’t even blink an eye. He was obviously used to distressed-looking women coming in here and purchasing other random crap to disguise the one thing that they really needed.

Despite knowing all of that, I couldn’t meet his eye. Not even when I paid. I simply gave him the cash, grabbed the bag, and raced back out into the cold air. Then with the test between my fingers, I practically ran home, needing to be away from all the prying eyes that I was now convinced were looking at me.

Just do it, I tried to tell myself. Do the test as soon as you get in, don’t give yourself the time to talk yourself out of it.

And, I was absolutely determined to do so. I had myself worked up so much that I fully intended to rush into the bathroom to get it done before anything else could get in the way, but unfortunately, there was no chance of that happening. The house was absolutely full! Filled with people that were discussing the upcoming nuptials. So much for me having some time to myself.

“Danica,” Victoria, the wedding planner, called above the crowd. “Come here; I’ve got these new plans to show you.”

It took all that I had not to roll my eyes at her words. What the hell did she mean more plans? Were we not done by now? Wasn’t it far too late for making any changes?

“Yeah, sure, just give me a sec.” I needed to get this bag out of sight before anyone caught wind of it. “I just need to put all of this away.”

I ran up the stairs and panted breathlessly by the side of the bath for a few seconds. Did I have time to do the test now? Before I had to face anyone? But then I tried to imagine acting normal, knowing the truth, and I realized that I was going to have to wait until I was fully alone.

Tonight, I told myself. No excuses, I’ll do it tonight.

 

***

 

I didn’t manage to get into bed until about two in the morning, so I hadn’t even had the opportunity to even consider taking the test. It wasn’t an excuse; it just hadn’t been possible.

That didn’t mean that the worry had gone anywhere, though, it was still burning embers through my body, and in the end, it infiltrated my dreams so much that I sat bolt upright in my bed at about six a.m., desperate to find out the truth once and for all.

At first I listened intently, trying to figure out if I was the only one awake. It was difficult to tell the truth because my heart was hammering so heavily against my chest, but after a while, as soon as it calmed, a heavy silence rang out.

It was time. It was now or never.

I crept towards the bathroom, my entire body trembling with what was about to come. This moment could be life changing, and I still had no idea what the hell I was going to do about it. I still hadn’t managed to wrap my head around it yet, and I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to be able to.

It might be okay, I tried–and failed–to convince myself. It might be nothing. But deep down, I knew what was going on with me.

As I sat on the toilet, feeling more alone than ever, I read and re-read the pregnancy test instructions until I was sure that I knew what I was doing. This wasn’t a position that I’d ever found myself in before, so it was a little overwhelming to say the least.

“Right,” I whispered, trying to ignore the wobble in my voice. “Let’s just do this.”

I did the dreaded pee on the stick and then I waited impatiently for the outcome.

Tick, tick, tick.

I forced myself to stand up and pace the room while I waited for the longest, most torturous three minutes of my life to pass. This was absolutely agonizing, and I couldn’t stop terrible predictions of my future to flick in front of my eyes.

Me, with a screaming baby.

Me, all alone.

Me, with absolutely nothing.

My heart was pounding, and I felt like I wanted to die. Then I decided that it was time. It had to be, that absolutely had to be three minutes. So I grabbed the stick and I found myself faced with the very familiar, blue cross. That could only mean one thing.

Positive.

The test was positive: I was pregnant.

The bile that had been swimming around in stomach came to the surface, and I was forced to hang my head over the toilet while I vomited like crazy.

“Oh, God,” I groaned to myself as the true reality of my situation faced me.

This can’t be. I’m pregnant!

What the hell was I going to do next? How the hell was I going to tell my mom? Especially after that long heart to heart that we had in the bridal shop. And, I couldn’t even think about Rhett’s face; it was just a joke.

I slumped my body back down on the cold bathroom floor, my mind whirring with all kinds of possibilities. I didn’t know how long I was down there, just pondering my mental situation, but after a while I began to hear other people stirring and I knew that it was time to move. I disposed of the test quickly in the garbage and raced back into my bedroom, where I intended to lie down for a little while longer.

But there was no hope of me getting back to sleep, not now. Instead I simply lay there and allowed the tears to free fall down my cheeks. I was in a right old mess, and I had no idea how I was going to even begin solving this. What could I even do?

By the time I decided to actually get out of bed and face the world, I’d made my choice about what I was going to do, or not do more to the point. I wasn’t going to tell anyone until the wedding was over–after all, no one needed that stress on top of everything else. I was just going to keep it to myself, and hope that the few days would allow my head to clear, letting me tackle it in a much calmer and more rational way.

I would just have to put it to the back of my mind for now and focus on the immediate. All I needed to do for now was get through this wedding without totally losing my shit. I would have to put on a brave face and put everyone else’s needs before my own. This wouldn’t last forever. I would only have to do this for a few more days.

It would be fine.

I just hoped to God that I have the strength to get through it.