Chapter 31

Danica (Three Months Later)

 

After the chaos of the wedding and everything that came after, the rest of the summer passed in an uneventful haze. Three months of peace to wallow in the all-consuming misery that Rhett had left behind.

It was only a couple of days after the ceremony that mum and Brad escaped to their luxurious, two-week long honeymoon on one of the most beautiful Greek islands I’d ever seen. The photographs that they showed me upon their return were phenomenal and made me crave for an escape that was never coming my way.

The one good thing about them leaving me for all that time was that it gave me the much needed time to grieve for my heartbreak. I wasn’t just desolate that Rhett had left me alone; I was confused and frustrated because I didn’t understand why. However hard I racked my brains, I couldn’t pick up any sign that he was playing me, or that he was going to abandon me at the first opportunity, which either meant that I was a complete and utter idiot, or that something drastic had happened, but since he was still refusing to talk to me, it didn’t seem like I was ever going to find out what.

While I was alone, I cried, I wept, and I absolutely fell apart. I really gave in to all of the terrible emotions that I was experiencing, which meant that by the time Mom and Brad came home, all sun soaked and blissfully happy, I felt ready to pull myself together, to stand on my own two feet, and to be strong once more. I was more or less back to my normal self. In public, at least. I had more important things to worry about, and however much it hurt, I couldn’t see any point in crying tears over someone who so clearly didn’t want me.

It took me a few months to finally come to terms with everything, but I eventually accepted that whatever Rhett and I had was no more. There was no point in dwelling, in worrying over what we might have been, or what I thought we were. We were done now–he had so obviously moved on with his life; it was more than time for me to do the same.

It wasn’t like I hadn't tried, but he hadn't responded to any of my messages or phone calls, nor had he made any effort to get in touch himself, so I needed to display some pride and forget about him.

I was angry about it all, of course I was. The way it turned out was the opposite of what I wanted. I felt used and hurt, but that was all in the past now. I had to focus on the future, because what lay ahead of me needed my full focus.

The one thing I was particularly grateful for was the fact that I’d stuck to my guns and not told Rhett about our baby. If I had confessed the truth and he’d run away anyway, it would have killed me. And I now know for a fact that if he had ended up staying, it wouldn’t have been for me. It would have been out of a sense of duty, which would have eventually torn us apart anyway.

No, this way might have been painful, but it would be better in the long run.

I hadn't told Rhett that I was pregnant, and now I would never have to. He was gone, out of my life forever, and I didn’t need to burden him with my knowledge.

With the way that he’d left, I couldn’t imagine Mom or Brad telling him, either, so it didn’t seem like he would ever find out. Especially if I made up some lie about the father. They didn’t need to know either, which meant I didn’t have to split the whole family apart. It was good to know that my biggest worry was no more.

Now I needed to focus on making the necessary preparations to become a single mom. I was under no illusion that it was going to be easy, but I was determined to do it all the same. The more I focused on my unborn baby, the more I fell in love, and the more sure I was that I could do it alone. I was strong, I was tough, and I could do this.

But first, I had to return to college.

I wasn’t totally sure what I was going to do about my course when the baby was born just yet, but for now, I was desperate to go back. I wanted more than anything to be in a place where I had something else to focus on, and where I wouldn’t be under constant scrutiny from the last people in the world that I wanted to discover the truth about me.

Hiding the sickness would be easier, as would the constant up and down of my emotions. In among my friends, I would be able to play it off as something much easier to accept until I was ready to tell the truth. Sure, my ever growing stomach was an issue, but I hoped that wearing baggy clothes would be able to help me keep it under wraps for a little while longer.

Another thing that I could now focus on with a bit more independence was booking an appointment with the doctor to check up on the baby’s health. I felt awful that I hadn't managed to do it yet, but I was too afraid to even pick up the phone to make the appointment in case I was overheard. I probably should have done it while the house was empty, but I was too melancholy then, focusing only on what I’d just lost.

I knew that I couldn’t keep this to myself forever, and that I was going to have to confess sooner or later, but I kept putting it off and putting it off until it felt impossible. I was walking around with a constant burden on my shoulders, which I hoped I would feel brave enough to unload soon enough.

But for now, I was trying to focus only on the positive as I strolled towards the dorm room that I’d been assigned. I would be at college, with my friends and classes to distract me. The sickness had reduced somewhat, which I could hide, and I would no longer have to eat Mom’s cooking–which was a massive blessing!

It had come along unexpectedly as I fell into the second trimester of pregnancy–a complete aversion to her cooking which I really struggled to hide. Sure, Mom was never the best cook in the world anyway, and she would never claim to be, but it had really started to smell revolting to me.

As a lawyer, she was normally too busy to bother preparing food from scratch, but now that she was so blissfully loved up, she was acting like the doting housewife…which was bad news for me.

It had been really difficult to avoid food every single night, and I was glad not to have to go through that anymore. I’d well and truly run out of excuses, and I’d been getting dangerously close to hurting her feelings on more than one occasion.

Sure, college food wasn’t much better, but at least I could just not eat if I didn’t want to. I was independent there, no one would be watching me too closely, which was perfect. Freedom was exactly what I needed, and despite all of my concerns for what was going to happen next, it couldn’t have come at a better time.

I walked into my new dorm room, initially enjoying the sanctuary of somewhere new, when I spotted the name of my roommate. Chloe Karne. My heart sunk into my shoes as I realized that this wasn’t someone I recognized.

I’d always lived with my friend Sally before, so I was a bit upset that I was going to have to meet someone new at such a difficult time of my life. I wasn’t really in the right frame of mind to be making small talk with someone I didn’t know. Sure, it was never guaranteed that you’d end up with the same people as before, but now was a time that I needed it more than ever.

Sighing loudly, I unpacked my stuff much neater than I normally would have done, wanting to be respectful. I was going to have to really reconsider my action plan now that I wouldn’t be with a friend. Maybe it would be best to keep her at a distance, to prevent her from learning too much about me, but then again, I might need someone to confide in soon enough.

“Hello,” a bright voice burst out from behind me, causing me to spin around in surprise, taking me away from my thoughts. I instantly drank in the appearance of the petite, red-haired beauty, who was utterly irresistible. She was dressed in a slightly bohemian look, which made me smile. She might have been the complete opposite to me, but I had the feeling that we would get on well. I wasn’t sure that I could keep her at arm’s length even if I wanted to. “I’m Chloe.”

As she shook my hand, I felt a little happy that she was so nice. At least that was something. She might not have been someone I knew, but I had the feeling that everything would be okay. “Hi, I’m Danica.”

“It’s really nice to meet you; I’m glad that you’re going to be my roommate,” she buzzed excitedly, raising my spirits somewhat. “Tell me about yourself.”

I’d had the full intention of calling Sally as soon as I was unpacked to catch up, but instead I found myself settling down to get to know my new roommate better. Sure, I stayed far away from any difficult topics, but her enthusiasm was infectious, and I found myself even happier to be back at college than I was before.

 

***

 

Unfortunately, my good mood didn’t last too long–it faded slowly over the days that followed. I quickly realized how difficult college was going to be for me, which was an issue that I hadn't even considered. Not only did I struggle with the constant rushing about, up and down the stairs, the smell of the place was making me constantly nauseous. It was the kind of sick feeling that left me dizzy and a little confused.

This sickly dreamlike state made it extremely difficult to focus in class too, which left me frustrated and upset to be so far behind. My friends tried to help me, but I couldn’t rely on them too much without confessing why I was such a mess. It was a dilemma like no other, which had caused me to pull away from everyone just a little bit.

The dorm was no longer a relief from that, either. For all of her good points, Chloe loved scented candles, and that made the room smell horrendous. To me, at least, but I couldn’t ask her to stop burning them with no explanation. Not unless I wanted to cause an unnecessary rift between us, so I found myself spending an increasing amount of time in the library, just struggling with what was going to happen next.

When things got too difficult, and I considered quitting–which began to happen at least once a day–I just reminded myself that it was a whole lot easier than being at home, around the people that it would only take one slight slip of the tongue to blow everything apart. At least here I could remain a little anonymous. It might have felt a little lonely, but it was the only way I would survive.