Chapter 20

 

Rhett

 

The drive back from Delaware was long and painful. I knew that I’d upset Danica with my odd attitude, but I couldn’t seem to reel it in, even when I was aware that I was screwing everything up. I’d totally fucked up one of the nicest days that I’d ever had in my entire life, and there was nothing I could do about it. Luckily, she kept drifting in and out of sleep, which made it slightly easier, but only the smallest amount. The tension didn’t ebb away, even as she snored.

The sex had been surprising–a nice shock, but unexpected all the same–and the reality of that decision had hit as soon as we were done. Although it hadn't been planned, and it had been utterly amazing, I couldn’t stop the guilt that instantly flooded through me, once the fog of lust had descended.

“You’re just like your old man, you.”

As soon as we’d given in to temptation, my dad’s words returned to my mind with a vengeance. Only this time, I began to fear that he was right. Before, when Danica and I had slept together, we hadn't realized what we were. Now we knew, and I’d still done it. I’d still gone through with it, fully knowing that it was wrong.

All my big-man thoughts from before this day about not caring about my dad and Lyla, and wanting to pursue Danica anyway vanished. What replaced it was a scared little boy who didn’t know what was going to happen next. It was as if I’d sobered up, and left a whole big mess behind me.

I felt like I was wrong about everything.

If Mom was convinced that Dad could change, then maybe I should have given him the chance. I came here determined to not even give him the time of day, and that wasn’t really the smart, adult choice to make. I should have behaved in a much more mature manner, and I was only just realizing that much now. I started to doubt everything about myself, and I started to believe that the only one who was wrong about anything was me.

I wasn’t sure what was messing with my mind the most–the fact that Danica and I really should have stayed away from one another, or the fact that I could be on the way to becoming the man that I hated the most in the whole world.

It was just a terrible situation; I’d really gotten myself in to one hell of a mess and I wasn’t sure what the solution was.

As soon as I pulled up into the driveway of my dad’s home, Danica grabbed her belongings and stomped out of the car, slamming the door behind her. As I watched her walk into the house without even speaking one word to me, I knew that I’d royally screwed things up once and for all. I wasn’t sure that she’d ever be able to understand my dickish behavior–especially when I didn’t understand it myself–so I couldn’t even explain it to her.

What sort of woman would want to know me after being that way when we’d just had sex? No one. There was no one.

You fucking idiot, I thought to myself. What the hell have you done now?

I slumped my head onto the steering wheel, feeling like the whole world was collapsing in on me. I needed an escape. I had to get out before I did any more damage, so I did the only thing that I could. I picked up my phone, and I called my mom.

“Hello?” She answered after only one ring. “Rhett, are you okay?” The fear that she had in her voice made it very difficult not to just fall apart. I no longer had any idea what I was doing, and I really needed to run away from it all. For the first time in my entire life, I actually wanted to take the coward’s way out.

“Mom?” I croaked. “I am just calling to let you know that I’m coming home.”

“What? Why? What’s happened?” There was a cynicism in her voice that suggested she had been waiting for this phone call. But of course, the reason behind it would be the last thing she was expecting.

“I just… I can’t take it anymore,” I hoped that being evasive would put her off from asking too many questions. “It’s awful here. I hate it.”

“Look,” she had her diplomatic tone of voice on, which meant bad news for me. It meant that she was going to try and win me around somehow. “The wedding isn’t far off now. You don’t have to be there for much longer.”

“But, Mom,” I tried, but she was having none of it.

“You need to do this to prove to him that you’re the bigger man. He’s probably expecting you to quit, to run away.” How did I tell her now that Dad wasn’t the real problem? That I was the issue here? “You’ll be home soon enough, safe in the knowledge that despite everything, you’re a decent young man who puts his family first.”

“Mhmm…” I replied, half-heartedly. There was no way that I could tell her the truth after that impassioned speech. She would go mental after telling me that I was a good guy–the total opposite to how I’d just behaved. “Okay,” I eventually finished meekly, hating myself for being such a liar.

“So, I’ll see you in a few days.” She was already wrapping up the conversation, safe in the knowledge that she had me backed into a corner. The worst thing was that she was right. I had no argument to give her; I was going to have to stay no matter what I wanted.

I just didn’t know how the hell I was supposed to face Danica ever again. How could I face the girl I was falling for, knowing that she hated me?

“Bye, Mom, see you soon. Love you,” I sighed dejectedly.

“Love you.”

Then she was gone, and I was alone, with nothing left to do but face the music.

I stepped out of the car, and walked slowly towards the house, whishing that I’d argued, or that I had the courage to go home anyway, but for now, I was tied here. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to go with things so up in the air anyway. It didn’t seem right. I might have been acting cowardly, but I wasn’t entirely convinced that I would have actually been able to follow it through.

As soon as I walked through the door, I spotted my dad and Lyla sitting at the kitchen table at the end of the hallway. They saw me right away and did their best to get my attention. Perfect, I couldn’t even wallow in misery in peace.

“Hi, Rhett,” Lyla called from where she was sitting. “Are you okay?” Her tone was too bright and breezy for someone who was annoyed at me, so clearly she hadn't seen her daughter yet. How the hell did Danica manage to sneak in without getting the third degree? “Did you have a good day?”

“Erm, yes, thanks,” I lied, trying to ignore the satisfied smirk that my father was shooting me. He looked like he could see right through me, and that he knew exactly what I’d done, and in his mind, I’d proven him right.

I hated myself even more. I didn’t think that it was possible to feel this much disgust at my actions.

“You’re just like your old man, you.”

I hated that he could get so far under my skin after everything he’d done to me. He hadn't even been around and he’d managed to shape me. If only he wasn’t in my head, I wouldn’t have been such a shit to Danica. If he’d just either been in my life, or left me well alone, then none of this would have happened.

“I’m a bit tired, though,” I finished, wanting to wrap up this conversation without any difficult questions. “So, I’m going to head to bed.”

“All right, goodnight!” Lyla called with that warm smile on her face.

“Yes, son, sleep well.” Just hearing my dad speak to me in that self-satisfied tone drove me crazy. I had to pump my fists by my side, and literally force myself to walk away to stop myself from doing something stupid. I felt like he wanted a reaction from me, and I really needed not to give him one. Especially not when he was right.

As I slumped up the stairs, passing Danica’s bedroom door, I fought the urge to knock on it and to see her. I feared that I would just make things even worse than they already were, which was the absolute last thing that I wanted. I seemed to be a hurricane, causing destruction everywhere that I went, and I really wanted to put a stop to that. I didn’t want to cause her any more pain than I already had.

I needed to lock myself in my own room, away from the rest of the world, so I couldn’t upset anyone else.

I lay down on my bed with my head in my hands, wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I was so desperate to not be like my dickhead father that I’d somehow become him anyway. How was that even possible? How the hell did that even happen?

Danica didn’t deserve me like that–she didn’t deserve any of it. In fact, I knew for sure that she could do so much better than me.

If I weren’t in the picture, then she’d be free to fall in love with someone who didn’t contain the dreaded Fronton DNA. She could find someone that didn’t have all of the complications that I offered, that she could fall in love with, without tearing her entire family apart. She could find the person that she was actually supposed to be with, rather than embroiled with someone who could never offer her a future.

There was only one thing for it–I was going to have to back off. Rather than apologizing for my idiotic behavior, I was going to have to embrace it, to allow Danica to hate me so that she could get over our thing that much quicker.

I wouldn’t do anything horrible, I didn’t want to really hurt her, but I would back off for sure. I would stop interacting with her as much as possible, and just get through this until I could leave her alone forever.

She was the one who had originally started the whole not talking to me anyway, and maybe she had the right idea. Maybe I should have just gone with that in the first place and saved myself a whole load of trouble.

I would just get through this shit storm of a wedding, then I would go home and forget about any of this: the wedding, my father, and Danica. I would forget about all of them and I would go back to the life I was always going to lead before any of them came into my life.

There, decision made. Easy-peasy.

Of course, I knew that it wasn’t going to be simple–in fact, it was going to be one of the biggest challenges that I’d ever had to face, but I would do it.

I had to.

For Danica.

It was the least she deserved.

I would be at college soon anyway, starting the life that I’d always wanted, so if I just focused on that future rather than the endless distractions that threatened to sidetrack me, then everything would be fine.

It sure as hell didn’t feel like it at the moment, but I was certain that in the end, all would be okay and I would congratulate myself for making the right decision.