Chapter 17
Meli
I staggered into the house and could feel such utter sorrow in my heart. He had been there, he was worn out and he wasn’t even on a bull. It was all true. He’d lost his nerve. He was no longer the Blake Temple I’d known and fallen in love with.
Marie was waiting for me.
“The boys, they are asleep,” she said. “They played in the sandbox until it rained and then they played in the mud,” she laughed. “It took me an hour in the tub to get them clean again.”
“Thank you for watching Kirk, Marie. I had to go.”
She put down the knitting in her lap. “I know this,” she said. “Come, sit down and let’s talk about it.”
Marie had become my best friend in the world. I felt closer to Marie than I ever had to Jill. I had paid off Marie’s house so we lived there practically free; only the taxes and utilities had to be paid. Marie gardened so we ate very well and the boys played in the hot sunshine all day and slept soundly at night. It was an idyllic way to raise Kirk and since neither boy had a father figure, neither one missed it.
Marie had been attacked on a dark back road one night and when she had realized she was pregnant, she had decided that she should keep and raise the child. She was a preservationist of life and I had to admire and agree with her views.
Marie did not, naturally, know about the house in Baton Rouge, but she asked no questions so it was easier to stay here, close to the café and where I had backup care for Kirk.
The house in Baton Rouge had been a revelation indeed. Situated on over 200 acres, the building was more of a plantation than a simple house. In a Tara-like style, it featured Grecian columns and a broad porch that protected floor to ceiling windows. There were ten bedrooms and baths, a formal dining room, a mammoth kitchen with state of the art appliances, a bowling alley in the basement, a nursery, a library, and even servant’s quarters. I don’t know what possessed Maudie to buy such a place; maybe simply because she could. The café had evidently been far more successful than anyone realized. She’d never displayed her wealth and had invested wisely. I hoped she had been able to get some enjoyment from the place. Eventually, I planned to sell the café and move here with Kirk when it was time for him to go to school. It would be a better school system, shopping, and the amenities were far closer and it would have a more cosmopolitan atmosphere for a growing child. But for now, we would stay put at Marie’s and I would tend to the café and continue to write my blogs. I wanted life to stay as normal as possible for Kirk.
I had been tracking Blake since Thanksgiving. I knew he’d been hurt and that he’d had a long recovery. That had prompted my short message to him; it was all I could do without getting my heart involved.
Then had come the news that there was to be an event in Baton Rouge. I thought it to almost be an omen and couldn’t ignore it. I had asked Marie to watch Kirk and although she had no idea why, she asked no questions.
I drove down the night before and went through the house, getting familiar with what I’d have to do to keep it shut up but in good condition until I was ready to move into it. Then came the time for the rodeo and I’d taken a high seat where I wouldn’t be noticed. I was still wearing the dress from my afternoon meetings, but didn’t have time to go back to the farm and change.
I had looked for him during the bull events, but he hadn’t shown and I began to get very sad because I thought I’d missed him entirely. Then had come the broncos, on the advent of that storm and just like a human bolt of lightning, there he was. I thought what it had felt like to see him again after so long.
The black hair that always fell over his eyes was unchanged, except that maybe it was a bit longer. His legs looked lean and strong, despite the horrible injuries he had sustained. He appeared to be totally recovered and I wondered why, if that was true, he wasn’t on a bull. I was pretty sure I knew, but that hurt to think about, too, because I wanted to help him overcome that anxiety of the bulls. I think I could have done it—I’d just made that tactical error of falling in love with him.
I looked at Kirk now and realized how much he looked like his father. There was an inner core of guilt that I was keeping a child from his father, and even vice versa. I was afraid, however, that Blake was on hard times, mentally speaking, and linking up with us would do nothing to enhance his career.
I had seen the woman with the black hair standing at the rail. She was screaming his name and even though he didn’t acknowledge her, I just knew they’d been together. The woman called out endearments and references to “the last time we were together” in full hearing of half the viewing stands. I couldn’t imagine Blake having fallen that far, but then he’d been in hard times all the way around and it wasn’t fair of me to judge. I hardly had been an angel.
A few men had asked me out at the café, but I turned each of them down with weak excuses and pretty soon I’d run through all the eligible men in town. It was important to me, however, that when I turned them down, they remained my friend. In some cases, they had even assumed the role of champion, protecting me from strangers who might wander in. The sheriff’s deputy, Lance Turner, in particular hung around the café late at night as I was washing the dishes and closing down. He sat in the booth nearest the door, drinking coffee and when I was ready to lock up, he waited and walked me to my car. I had a good idea he was sweet on me but had witnessed too many rejections of others to hold out hope. Instead, he had appointed himself my guardian and I was truly appreciative.
One nice thing about a small town like that: people didn’t question you why an unwed mother had shown up in the dead of the night. I knew there were rumors. I’d heard some people thought I was on the run from the law and that Kirk belonged to a bank robber. Another rumor was that my daddy had ordered me to marry someone I didn’t love and that I’d gotten pregnant to avoid it and he’d thrown me out. Yet another popular one was that I was some celebrity from New York City who had gotten mixed up in drugs and escaped to the south where no one would know me or ask questions. None of the scenarios bothered me particularly; they kept me from telling the truth. Bull riders never entered their mind, thank God.
Marie was talking and my attention was snapped back to the present. “I’m sorry, my mind was wandering.”
“Yes, I know. He is handsome, the man you went to see from afar.”
I jerked around to look at her. “How did you know?”
“There is a look of love and loss on your face. You are too good of a woman to have been loose. The father of Kirk was a good man, perhaps too good for you, you believe. Mon Cherie … that is not true. You are one of the best women I’ve ever had the pleasure to know and that man would be proud to have you at his side. The boy deserves to know his father, you know. He will grow up eventually. You cannot hide him forever.”
“I suppose you’re right, but for right now, well, it’s just too complicated.”
“I understand. But if the man loves you, it is his decision whether you deserve to be in his life. I think you value him more than yourself and this is wrong. It is not healthy; not for you and not for the boy.”
I hadn’t ever taken that perspective before. She was right, though. I was, in a certain respect, teaching Kirk to have low self-esteem. And she was right that one day he would want to know about his father and the truth would come out. If not from me, I knew Jill would spill the beans. She had always been jealously mean.
I realized then that I hadn’t spoken to Jill in almost two years! She must be worried to death! I resolved to fix that immediately.
“Marie, I have a call to make.”
“Yes, you should,” was all she would say and I went outdoors and sat on the porch. I dialed Jill’s number, careful to block my own before I called.
“Hello?”
“Jill?”
“Meli? Meli, is that you?” She sounded happy and a little peeved at the same time, not that I could blame her.
“Yes, it’s me. I know I haven’t called and I’m sorry. A lot has happened and I’m not at liberty to talk about it all. It kind of got past me … the time, that is.”
“Yeah, I could have died and you’d never known,” she pointed out and I suddenly felt very selfish and guilty.
“How are you?” I asked and I meant it very sincerely.
“About the same. Living in the same place. That cowboy still looking for you?”
“I don’t know, was he?”
“Hell yeah. He came over here and bugged the shit out of me about you.”
“What did you tell him?”
“Nothin’ he didn’t already suspect. He wants to find you. I still hear from here at least once a month.”
“Really? What does he say?”
“That he wants to find you. What did you do to him? Steal his mother’s wedding ring or something?”
“Only you would think of something like that. No, nothing like that.”
“It’s that old stigma thing, isn’t it?”
I was silent a few moments and then quietly answered, “Yeah.”
“I thought so. You got to quit thinking you’re dirt because of Ma. She was trash, no question about that. But it doesn’t mean you or I am. Okay, so maybe I am, but not you. You’ve always been a straight arrow. You wear Ma’s guilt around like a big, black coat, letting it hide who you really are. You think that cowboy is too good for you? Is that what you’re thinking?”
“I didn’t call to talk about Blake. I want to know that you’re okay.”
“I could be better if you’d talk to him. He said he’d pay me five grand to find you, you know. I could use the money.”
“So, you’d sell out your sister?”
“Sure! Wouldn’t you?”
I knew this was an area where we seriously differed. “I suppose you need money?”
“I always need money.”
“I’ll send you some, but don’t buy drugs with it, hear? I want you to use it to find a better place to live than that dump where you’ve been staying.”
“So there are strings coming with the money?”
“You could say that. Listen, I gotta go,” I said. I could hear Marie talking to the boys and knew it would be a matter of seconds before Kirk burst onto the porch and into my lap, and if Jill heard his voice, the game would be over.”
“Call me again, Meli, you hear? Call me Sunday night. I’ll make sure and be here.”
“Sunday night … okay. I’ll send you some money. Bye, Jill.”
That next day I sent Jill a money order for five thousand dollars. I thought of it as hush money to keep her from telling Blake where I was and whatever else she could make up about me. I knew my sister well enough to realize that when there was money involved, she had no self-control whatsoever. I could have naturally sent her far more money but that would have engendered speculation on her part as to how I’d gotten it and the idea that if I sent her x-number of dollars, I was rich enough to send far more. This, at least, quelled my conscience for the time being.
I went back inside. “Everything okay?” Marie asked. I nodded. “What would I do without you?” I smiled and sipped the coffee she handed me.
The topic changed to the quilt she was making out of dresses she’d picked up at the church rummage sale. She always went in at the last minute when they were trying to get rid of things for practically nothing so they didn’t have to haul them home. She’d come away with armloads of cotton housedresses and washed each one and hung it in the sun to dry. She’d pick out the seams with a seam ripper and painstakingly remove buttons, zippers and then iron the pieces flat. She’d cut these into squares and piece together a quilt top. I thought Marie was the thriftiest person I’d ever known and knew if there were ever to come another depression, I’d like to spend it at Marie’s house.
“I have an idea,” I told Marie. “What would you say to our going into Baton Rouge tomorrow and let’s buy the boys clothes. It will be my treat.”
“That sounds like a lot of fun, Marie said. “But why the special occasion?”
“No special occasion, really. The boys are growing like weeds and it’s about time they had some new clothes. Anyway, I could use a few new things myself and I’m sure you could, as well. Let’s just take a day in the city. What you say?”
“I think it sounds wonderful. What time would you like to leave?
“I thought we get up about eight in the morning and head to town. I’ll call Abby and ask her to open the restaurant and we’ll be back in time that I can do dinner. Sound like a good plan?”
“Sounds like a wonderful plan. I will look forward to it very much. If that’s what we’re going to do, we better get to bed early tonight. Do you think you’re going to be able to sleep tonight?
“Why wouldn’t I?
“I think it’s pretty obvious you have had a bad day today.”
“I’ll be fine, don’t worry.”
“I’m not worried. I just want you to be happy.”
* * *
We were up early the next morning and in the car, headed for Baton Rouge. Marie was quite excited and I realized it had been a long time since she’d had a holiday. We hit all the best department stores and I bought bags of clothes for the boys, including some they would grow into.
Marie and I treated ourselves to some dresses and I realized I hadn’t worn stockings in over three years. I wasn’t even sure I had shoes that would work, so we stopped and bought those as well.
Lunch was in a stylish café that served everything from seafood to burgers and chicken nuggets for the boys. We topped off the lunch with ice cream sundaes and then took pictures of one another with our cell phones at the edge of a fountain. We stopped one last time and let the kids run wild in a toy store, picking out three items each. If they could have counted to four, they’d have gotten four items. This, at least, gave them something to work for!
We sang to the radio all the way home and arrived in a very cheerful, if tired, mood. The boys went straight down for naps and I changed clothes and headed into town to serve dinner at the café. People knew I had inherited the place from Maudie, and this made sense to them. No one knew about the money or the house; these had to be protected. I felt a little guilty about this, almost as if I’d stolen them from her, but her attorney had assured me that she’d considered me family. I would never forget Maudie.
One of our regular customers was celebrating her 80th birthday. We baked a special birthday cake and everyone who came in that day got a piece for free as long as they left her a happy birthday message. This had been my idea. I was still deeply enmeshed in my publicity brain and was using it to create goodwill.
That was when I had a new idea. Why not open a second Maudie’s Café in Baton Rouge? I could hire Marie and put her in charge of this one, and then take Kirk and move to the farm and run the second one in town?
It seemed like an excellent idea and that evening, after the customers began to dwindle, I sat down with paper and began doing the numbers and making lists of the recipes I’d learned from Maudie. The more I thought about it, the more excited I got.
I couldn’t wait to get home that night. Marie was relaxing with iced tea on the porch and both boys were in bed. “Marie, have you ever thought about running a restaurant?”
“No, not really. Why do you ask?”
“How would you like the job of running Maudie’s Café?” I asked her.
“You are leaving?” she sat up.
“Well, in a sense, but we’ll still be in touch. I thought I would open a second café in Baton Rouge and move into town with Kirk.”
“I would miss you, dear Meli.”
“Yes, I know, as I will miss you. But I’ll come and stay from time to time and I’ll be stopping by the café every so often to keep an eye on things.”
“This is something you want?” she asked me, her brown eyes loving and generous.
“Very much. But I would like it for you, too. I want you to have plenty of money and a place in the community. There is Louis to think about.”
“Ohhhh, I don’t know about the place in the community part. I am not liked by everyone.”
“Don’t worry about that. You cook like I teach you and with your personality, they’ll love you in no time. Anyway, this is your home, your people. If they accepted me, they will definitely accept you!”
“Then I am back to having this big empty house again,” she pointed out.
“You never know. Perhaps by being in the café you will meet some charming man and soon fill this house with babies.”
Marie was silent, contemplating what that would be like. She turned and smiled, “I think I would like that very much.”
“Well then, let’s consider it a done deal. I will begin looking for a location in Baton Rouge and we’ll start teaching you Maudie’s recipes.”
“Where would you live?” Marie’s eyes were filled with concern.
“Don’t worry, I think I have that already solved. Let’s focus on you and Louis. We need to find him a proper daycare unless you want to take him to work with you?”
“Yes, Louis goes with me for now. The days of going to school are coming soon enough; I want to keep him by my side as long as I may.”
So, it was settled, and Marie and Louis began to accompany me to work each day. I showed her how to cook the southern food in the same way that Maudie had shown me. Between us, we watched the children and learned. We decided to make the apartment upstairs a nursery and playroom and hired a young girl to stay and watch the boys. In this way, they were close by and yet not underfoot.
Marie was well received by the customers and her Cajun charm added an extra touch of authenticity that I, in my New York twang, could not. All in all, I thought it was a brilliant plan. I also looked forward to living in the bigger city. I was, after all, a big city girl.
Sunday night came and I positioned myself on the porch to call Jill. I knew she would have received the money order by now. I hoped she wouldn’t continually bug me for more and more money; not because I didn’t want to give it to her but because it meant she was buying herself drugs with what I sent. It would also mean that she wanted an explanation of where the newfound wealth was coming from—and that meant she would find out where I was and all about Maudie. I loved my sister, but I wanted this aspect of my life kept secret.
Jill answered the phone on the third ring. “Hi! I got the money order. Thanks!”
“Please don’t buy anything unhealthy with it, Jill,” I begged her.
“I’m not. I’m okay now. I’ll use it to pay off some bills and maybe find a better place to live.”
“Do you have somewhere in mind?”
“I was thinking somewhere in the country. I happen to know of a place I can stay already,” she added.
“Oh? Who do you know that owns a ranch?” I asked.
“You’d be surprised. As a matter of fact, he’s here right now.”
“Oh? Did I meet him?”
“Uh-huh. Hang on.”
“Silver?”
My heart stopped. It was Blake. Jill had sold me out. Why had I trusted her? I knew she’d do it.
I didn’t answer at first.
“Silver, please don’t hang up. I just want you to listen. You don’t even have to talk if you don’t want to.”
I said nothing.
“I miss you. I know that I told you I love you and it forced you to leave me. I know why. Jill explained it all. Silver, you’re nothing like her … nothing like any woman I’ve known in my entire life. I love you and I want you to come back. Please. I’m a mess without you. I’ve stopped drinking and there haven’t been any more women?”
“Really?” I couldn’t help myself at that.
“Okay, one but she means nothing to me. She’s trash compared to you.”
“That makes me feel so much better,” I said sarcastically.
“Okay, I’ve got that coming. I do … and I get it. But it wasn’t like that. She’s nothing to me and I won’t ever let her near me again, I swear. Please come back, Silver. I miss you so much. You are the most valuable thing in my life. Please?”
“I can’t.”
“I know what you’re thinking—”
“That’s not it,” I interrupted him.
He was silent a moment, trying to understand what I might be referencing. “Then … what is it?”
“There’s someone else,” I said, deliberately letting him think that it was a man and not just Kirk.
“Is it serious?” His voice was choked.
“I’m afraid so. Lifetime.” I hated what I was saying, but I knew he had to hear something like this or he would continue to pursue me.
“Are you married?” he asked, reaching for some shred of hope.
“No, not married. But living together.”
“I see. Is he good to you, Silver?”
“Yes, very good. I love him very much.” I hated myself. I know this was cruel.
“I hope he is. He’d better be damned special because you’re one of a kind woman. I blew it; I know I did.”
“So, what’s up with the bull riding?” I tried to change the subject.
“What do you mean?”
“You’re not riding bulls. Why not?” I prodded him.
“Lost that nerve. You remember.”
“I remember that you were in a slump and that you were drinking heavily and carousing at the time. There were some pressures on you that I had hoped you’ve resolved by now. You need to be on those bulls, Blake.”
There was silence at the other end of the line. Then came, “See? You’re the only one who has ever had confidence in me. You’re the only one who ever cared. I would do it for you, Silver. For you I would climb back on the bulls—any of them.” We both knew the one he meant.
“Can you do it?” I asked.
“Will you come back?” he countered.
“That’s not fair. What I do with my life should not affect you,” I answered.
“But it does, in so many ways. I guess if you’re hooked on somebody else, that leaves me in the cold, but I won’t give up. I want you in my life, forever, Silver. I mean that. I’ve had a very long time to think about it and I need you more than you will ever realize.”
“You need someone better than me.”
“That’s bullshit!” His voice was angry. “You demean me by saying that because you’re a hundred times the person I’ve ever been. Just look at you! Look at the strength and resourcefulness you have. You’re smart, beautiful, ambitious, and honest. I can’t claim any of that. I need you in my life. Look, I know you’re hooked on someone, but don’t give up on me quite yet. Please? Will you promise me that much?”
“I can’t give you any promises.”
“Okay, maybe you can’t, but you can at least give me a chance. Come back to Dallas, just for a few days, and let me see you again. Will you do that for me? For us?”
I was silent as I thought about this. I missed him so much that this was pure torture for me. All I wanted to do was scream yes and get on the next bus going west. But there had been a lot of time and water under the bridge. For one, he knew nothing about Kirk. He would be furious with me for having withheld that from him. It hadn’t been fair of me, I had to admit that.
“I’ll think about it,” I answered finally.
“You will? Oh, hell, Silver, you have no idea what that means to me! When? When will you come?”
“I don’t know. I’ve got things going on. Don’t pressure me. I have to think about this. Now, remember, this doesn’t mean I’m moving back. I’m only coming for a few days, you understand that?”
“Yeah, I get it. Only a few days. That’s all I’ll need. I’ll convince you.”
“Don’t beg and grovel.”
“What?”
“Don’t grovel like that. I’m not worth it and it’s beneath you.”
“Oh, no—”
“Stop it!” I cut him off. “And I’m not staying at the ranch. I’ll stay at a hotel in town.”
“I understand. Anyway, sounds like I’ve got a new roommate.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, Jill is moving out there.”
“What? You and Jill?”
“Hell, no, nothing like that. She gave me the sob story about wanting to get out of drugs and away from the usual guys she drags home, so I thought, out of respect for you and a soft heart, I’d give her a chance to clean up her act. So, I told her she could come out and stay at the ranch for six months, but that’s it. No guys, no booze, no drugs. She has to stay clean and sober and she has to get a decent job.”
“You’re giving her the Escalade.”
“Nope. She’s on her own for transportation. That car is yours, Silver. It’s wrapped in plastic in the garage and up on blocks. It hasn’t moved a mile since you left. It belongs to you and always will.”
I was sort of surprised at this. I didn’t know why I felt like the divorced wife who was just now finding out what had happened since the divorce, but that was exactly the content of our conversation.
“Well, whatever, Blake, but watch her. She’ll guilt you into letting her stay on forever. I love her, but she needs to be on her own feet for a change.”
“She will be. I’ll see to it. I’ll do it out of nothing more than love for you. I know you want her healthy and straight. I’ll make it my business to get her that way.”
“Good luck. Better not bet the ranch on that one.”
“It will be fine. Just please, let me know when you’re coming back. I don’t want to waste a single second of being with you when you’re in town.”
“I’ll give it some thought. I have some arrangements to see to before I can come. I’ll let you know by email, though, so watch for it.”
“Silver?”
“Yeah?”
“You’ve made me the happiest man in Texas.”
“Blake, if I come, you’re not going to touch me, got that? You will keep your hands to yourself.”
“You have my word,” he said although I could hear the disappointment in his voice. I felt disappointment, too, but I knew if I let him touch me, it would be all over. I’d never go away again.
I had to think of Kirk and what was best for him, but I needed to have my head on straight when I went through this. I couldn’t tell Blake about Kirk unless I was absolutely sure it was the right thing to do. I couldn’t tell Jill either; God knows she’d find a way to make a buck out of it. It was simply who she was.
“Okay, I’m hanging up now. Tell Judas I said good-bye and not to spend all her pieces of gold in one place. I sent her some money, Blake. So that you know she has it. Make sure she uses it to help herself, improve herself and hopefully get a decent place of her own.”
“I know … I gave her money, too.”
“Jesus! Blake, why did you do that? She’s nothing to you. She’s not your responsibility.”
“It’s only money, Silver. If all you ever want from life is money, that’s the easiest thing to get.”
I wished I’d had that bit of wisdom when I was dead broke and first in Dallas. I’d been dependent on Jill at that point and that was hardly the place I wanted to be then, or to return to now.
“Okay, I’m hanging up now. I’ll be in touch.”
“Goodbye, Silver.”
“Bye, Blake.”
I clicked the phone off and that’s when the sobs began to go through me like an earthquake fault. I felt like I was falling apart. I was so torn. Here I had my son, our son, and there was the man I loved and my half-sister, for what she was worth. No matter what, they were the closest thing I had to family and now, here I was, planning on how to open a new business and permanently build a life in a town far away from both of them. I knew Jill could never live with me; we’d kill each other.
I asked myself if I could live with Blake, and with our son. I already knew the answer to that.