All three of us stand with Neil, the Chief Surgeon. The group is looking at my mother, trying to figure out how to deal with all of this, and how to let go. “You just let me know when you’re ready,” he says to me. “Take as much time as you need. I don’t have anything to do today.”

“Thanks man,” I say. He grabs my hand and pulls me in for a man-hug. Emotions are high in this room. I wish I could provide solace for everyone. I can’t stand when I can’t offer people close to me some relief. No matter what I do or say, I can’t change the outcome of this. I’m completely powerless.

I guess that’s what I’m learning through all of this. It’s sort of like what my father told me yesterday. You can’t go on pretending you’re a hero forever. You can do what you can, but when the time comes for nature to act, it’ll act in defiance of you, and you’ll have to stand down.

“Dad,” Jenna says, “I think you should say something. I think we should all say something.”

My dad nods with sadness and silent understanding. He looks over at me and straightens up his body. He then walks over to my mother, sits down and takes her hand. “Nancy,” he whispers. “My sweet Nancy.”

The silent hum of the air conditioning rolls through the room. I stare at my mother and can only hope that she can now feel some sort of relief from the pain of life.

“You were my one and only. You gave me everything. Everything. Two loving children. A boy and a girl. A wonderful home. You grounded me in a way I never expected,” he says. He wipes a single tear from his eye. “There were no bad times, only good. I thought that I could hold onto you forever, somehow. When we were young, I thought we had all the time in the world. But time is a damned thing. It speeds up and slows down. It never makes itself known. Now we’re at the end of the road and I’m left wondering how it went this fast. Goodbye Nancy. Stay with me as best you can. Find me and I’ll find you. Forever and always.”

“Dammit Dad,” my sister cries. “That was the sweetest thing that I’ve ever heard you say.”

“Come here, you two,” he says. “Come visit your mother one last time.”

The words cut deep. They sink like stones, falling to the bottom of that dark sea. When the waves build, you know they’ll rise. Higher and higher, they pull you under. Nothing will ever be the same again.

I don’t know what it is, but I take out my phone and text Olivia. I just tell her “I miss you.” I lock my phone and sit down with my family. This is life. It’s as beautiful as it is painful.

“We love you, Mom,” I say. There are not many other words I can give. I’ve been in this room nearly every day since she was admitted to this hospital. I’ve said my share. She knows the impact she made. Now it’s time for her to soar.

“Thank you,” Jenna says to her. “Thank you for everything.”

All three of us hold each other’s hands. We squeeze tight and kiss her lightly. We say our goodbyes. Then we stand up and try to remain strong. I look at Neil. He’s waiting on my call. I’ve made this type of judgment for so many families before, but now I have to do it for my own.

He knows what to do. I nod. “It’s okay, man,” I say. “We’re ready.”

They don’t wait inside the room to see what’s next, but I do. I have to see her through this. She needs someone by her side. I hold her hand and feel her squeeze back. I swear on everything, when she passes, the whole room’s light system goes haywire. It only happens for one second. But I notice it. Everything shines on.

I walk back outside and grit my teeth. The only path is the path forward. I look at my phone. Olivia hasn’t texted me back and all I want to do is hold her in my arms. I want to tell her that life can be easier, simpler as time goes by. I want to kiss her and make sure she knows that everything will be okay if she can just give me a second chance.

But there’s none of that right now. It’s just me, and the harsh reality that everyone around me is feeling. “We’ll need to figure out the funeral arrangements,” my dad whispers.

“Yeah,” I say. “I can talk to some people. I know some good places.”

My dad nods. My sister walks up to me and grabs my shoulder. “Thank you for everything, brother,” she says. “You’ve been so strong for us the whole damn time. I don’t even know how you do it.”

“I don’t know either,” I laugh. My dad walks over to the coffee machine to pour himself another cup. “So, Jenna…”

“Yeah?” she asks.

“You got that joint for me, or what?” I laugh.

“Seriously?” she asks.

I shrug. “I’ve got five minutes. What do I have to lose?”

She looks over her shoulders like a kid who’s about to do something bad. I laugh and wave her over to the hallway. “Be right back, Dad,” I say.

I know the situation is tough and terrible. I know it’s heartbreaking. But the only way to push past it all is to relive moments together, to feel like we’re still a family.

I unlock my office and shut the door. I open the window and sit down. “Here?” Jenna laughs.

I grab an ashtray. “Hell yeah. Neil’s not going to say anything about it. I think we need this. Mom would have laughed, at least,” I say.

She bites her lip and nods. “Yeah. She would have. She would have told us we were stupid too,” she says.

“Well, we are pretty stupid,” I reply.

“True.” She chuckles lightly and grabs something from her purse. She brings it out and lights the end. The paper burns slow and smooth until it hits the filling. She takes a long drag and releases, smoke billowing up and all around us.

“Shit,” she coughs. “This is… strong.”

“Good,” I say. “I haven’t smoked since high school. Can you believe it?”

“Yeah, I can actually. You were too good in college. Always showing me up and getting insane grades. Here I was, smoking all of the time. Had to drop out eventually,” she says.

I take the joint from her fingers. I take a small puff and release. Euphoria builds inside of me. I close my eyes. “You’re killing it, Jenna. Honestly. You’ve done everything your own way. It’s a good thing. Your family is lucky as hell,” I say. “Shit, I’m lucky I have you as a sister. Seriously.”

“Me too, James,” she says. “Hey, did Olivia ever get back to you? Is everything okay with that?”

“I wish I knew,” I say. “She won’t really return any of my texts. I don’t want to call and press the issue either, though. Who knows? It’s probably all hopeless. Maybe I don’t need anyone after all.”

“Stop that. She was the one. I know it. The way you looked at her was like… something else. You know? She knows how you feel about her. She’s younger. She just needs time,” she says.

“Don’t make me feel like I’m an old man.” I take another puff and hand it back to her. My eyelids droop and feel like heavy, damp curtains. My hair feels like sticks of dry grass. My lips and tongue feel like dry sand.

“We’re getting there!” she exclaims.

“Okay, I think I need to stop on this.” I hand the joint back to her and start cracking up. “Life is amazing, isn’t it? Thank you, mother. We love you.”

We’re quiet for a moment, nodding in salute to her. “If Olivia doesn’t contact you before the funeral, you should just go to her house. I think you both need to talk this through. Don’t worry so much about it, okay?”

“Yeah, you’re right,” I say. I get up from my desk and open the door.

Another hallway to walk into. I always think of her. No matter what, I’ll never forget her.