“I’m fucking trembling,” I say out loud, clutching my temples.

“Come on. Sit still,” Renata says, while combing my hair. “What do you have to worry about, anyway? This is everything you’ve ever dreamed of. You’re getting married!”

I let that sink in. I close my eyes and I start laughing with joy. “I’m… I’m getting married!” I scream.

“Ah!” she shrieks back. “I’m so fucking excited for you!” We’re both practically jumping out of our seats at this point. Still, my heart is beating so fucking fast. I’m getting married to Walker Hambell, the man of my dreams.

“Do I look okay, Ren?” I ask her, feeling the nervousness of the situation start to creep in again.

She looks at me and smiles with tears in her eyes. “Oh, sweetie,” she says. “You look like a goddamn angel right now.”

I look up at her, in her bridesmaid dress. She looks beautiful too. Walker and I don’t have much of a wedding party, but I’m glad she’s here with me today. I couldn’t have asked for a better friend to stand by my side.

“Thank you, Ren.” I smile. “Thank you for everything.”

“You’re on in five minutes,” Carla, the wedding planner runs in, holding a clipboard. “Are you ready for your big day?”

“I’m ready,” I firmly state.

I hear Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah start playing outside and I immediately stand up and try to maintain my breathing. “This is your day, baby girl,” Renata whispers in my ear.

I walk outside and see my father, who has gone through so much this year, standing with a cane. He looks at me and smiles, and I just can’t keep down my emotions any longer. I start bawling.

“I love you, sweetie-pie,” he says, kissing the side of my head. “You’ll always be my baby girl.”

“This one’s for real, Dad,” I whisper. “He’s the man of my dreams.”

“I know he is, sweetheart,” he says.

It’s been two years since Hawk’s death. Two full years. In the autumn air of California, at this outdoor sanctuary, I can breathe easy knowing that those events are behind us now. Aidan, my sweet baby boy, has grown up so fast. Seven years is a huge jump from five. He’s practically a man now and though sometimes it’s still hard, he loves his dad even more, now that he knows.

As we walk, I can feel everyone looking right at me. Yet, I don’t feel jittery anymore. When my eyes meet Walker’s, I know everything is going to be okay. He looks so fucking handsome in his suit. And right beside him, is Aidan, looking proud and stoic, while holding the rings.

Sure, we’re not the most traditional family, but I never wanted that in the first place. All I wanted was a little adventure, and a whole lot of love. I’ve got a heavy dose of both, thankfully.

When I’m up at the front, I look into his eyes. He gives his vows, leaving me stunned. He says, “Erica, from your eyes to mine, my eyes to yours. Our lives have changed forever in an instant. Into the layers of my existence, a new sun has given itself to ignite my nights, to fill my emptiness. Now, my words have been received, my prayers answered,” he pauses only briefly to compose himself.

“Life itself is the most fortunate gift we have received — that is something I have always known — but to share that secret with one another brings an urgency to my life I could never have foreseen.

“I sit and think about our first night together, so ripe with passion, conflict, and love. We were just getting to know each other, yet we knew of our love. We knew no one could destroy that which was within our hearts. I’ll never forget that moment, even if directly after was full of difficulties. That’s life sometimes, but moments such as that one, live on forever.

“

Nor will I forget the quiet streets of England, where I promised myself, that I couldn’t ever lose you. Our future was set, even if it didn’t feel like it yet. Back in time, when we first met, I felt it when you let me put my arms around you. We looked in each other’s eyes in that dingy motel, and the lights that adorned the ceiling met our gaze and guided us towards an intimacy of precedence. We just talked. We talked so much, about unbelievable things; we made promises to each other that could never be broken. The world around me meant nothing. It was you that I had fallen deeply in love with. I kissed you that night and I felt an unimaginable happiness within me form. From then on, I was yours. Forever until the day that I shall pass.

“

How could I grow tired of your intimacy? How could we grow apart? It is impossible. We are together, bound by an immense desert known as Time. We are alone, with only our whispers as the truth.

“We will always have the day at the park, when I looked at the sun reflecting off your hair and knew you were the only one for me. I cannot share these moments with anyone for they are far too sacred, far too beautiful and monumental to put into words, and even though I appreciate music, those moments must remain unsung in order to preserve their glory.

“Yes, we will fight, we will fire words at each other —words we do not mean, words we will regret. We will have days where we can't stand each other, but even so, I know we will still need each other to come back to the paradise we have made for each other. I know I'll still need to feel your kiss, the warmth of your body that I have grown to known as my own. And if I grunt or complain of situations, you tell me how I wrong I am. Because I will always be there to share your pain, to rub your back when you feel life is a bit too much, to protect you, and most important, to be your best friend. Because that is what those that are in love do. They love.

“You have shown me everything I have been missing. It was you, Erica. I love you and I am utterly grateful for every moment spent with you, and I stand before you and the world around us, to declare my love. To all that have been, are, and shall be. Forever and always is my promise to you.”

I’m left speechless and shaking again. “You jerk,” I whisper with a smile on my face. “That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said about me.”

Everyone starts clapping out of nowhere and I notice that everyone is wiping their eyes. When I met him, he was the boyfriend experience. I guess this is the husband experience I’ve been waiting for.

Before the priest can even tell us to kiss or say “I do,” he grabs me in his arm and yells to the audience, “We do!” Our lips smash together and I’m left crumbling in his arms, with so much fucking love.

“You’re so damn beautiful,” he says.

Aidan walks near us and whispers, “You guys, you forgot the rings!” He scowls at us, looking handsome as ever.

“The rings!” Walker laughs. We grab each other’s ring and smile, gazing wondrously into our eyes.

“You are forever,” he whispers.

Epilogue: Walker

7 years later…

“Yes!” I scream, feeling the air conditioning whip across my face. “You got this, Aidan! Go! Go! Go!”

I’m standing courtside, jumping up and down, screaming the life out of me. I want to yell, “That’s my son out there!” but then I’ll be that old, loser dad. I can’t embarrass him on his big game day.

He dribbles the basketball across the court, weaving in and out of the defense. He jumps up to make a three-pointer and it goes in without even touching the backboard. “Yes!” I scream. “Hell yes!”

All of the parents turn to look at me and Erica is just rolling her eyes. “Sit down, Walker,” she laughs. “You’re embarrassing me.”

I sit down, out of breath, with a big smile on my face. “He’s absolutely mental out there!” I exclaim. “I’m so proud.”

“He’s amazing, isn’t he?” She smiles back and puts her head on my shoulders.

“Can you believe we’ve raised someone so talented?” I whisper. Aidan looks back and gives a cool nod at us, his lame parents. I wave back eagerly. I’ve cooled down a lot since the old days. Aidan and Erica are now the only things I yearn to see throughout the day. It’s incredible to think about all of the things we’ve been through, good and bad.

Every night, I still think about the vows I gave at our wedding. I hold them close to my heart, so I never forget just how good I’ve got it. I never want to take this love for granted. In the end, we got really lucky. Now, we have the whole world in our hands.

PTA meetings, doing homework, the dishes, and going out to movies every Sunday – this family thing is the best thing I’ve ever had. I never thought I’d live to see the day that I’d turn into a real adult, but it’s here now and I’ve jumped fully into it.

I watch eagerly as Aidan steals the ball again from the other team. He dribbles the ball, passes it to a teammate, who takes the shot. He misses, but Aidan goes up for the rebound. He drives it into the hoop and the buzzer echoes across the gym. The Grasshoppers win the game! Aidan has won the game.

I run out onto the court, alongside other parents who are excited to see their son’s school win for the first time. The team picks up Aidan and holds him above their heads. I jump up and give him a high five. These are the moments a parent never forgets. Every year, he grows so much bigger. Now, he’s practically a man. I’m the proudest father there is.

“There’s my boy,” I say, as the crowd fizzles out. “Man, you nailed it out there. You’re the best on the team!”

“Thanks dad,” he says, humbly. “I’m okay, I guess.”

I still haven’t figured out how to talk to teenagers. It’s almost as if I’m talking to a brick wall. “You’re the best in your school,” I assure him. “There’s no doubt about that. Remember when we used to play, when we lived at the house on Wilshire? You used to love going to the park back then. We should go back someday.”

Memories come tearing into your heart sometimes. There’s not much you can do other than try to hold onto them as tightly as you can. “I remember,” he says it simply. “I’m game. You think you could take me on?”

“You? The MVP? You’ll annihilate me,” I laugh. “But I have to try.”

“Come on, you two!” Erica calls out from the bleachers. She’s been sitting in the front, waiting until the gym cleared out completely. She’s wrapped in her pea coat and drinking a hot chocolate and boy does she look as cute as ever.

“Alright! Let’s go!” I clap my hands together.

Tonight, I’ve been getting all these flashbacks. Sometimes it feels like you live multiple lives. I try and pinpoint how I got here. Here I am, fulfilled in just about every way. But when I started out, I had nothing. There was Hawk, the gang, and the streets I grew up on. Now, all of that is over. It’s as if it never happened.

Was that me? I still don’t know. I feel as if I’ve found myself, finally in someone else. It’s funny how that happens sometimes. You search and you search, and you fight the world around you. But when you see her, you realize you need to duck your head and fight for one thing only: Love. I found love in Erica. I didn’t know Aidan would come from all of this, but the surprise was well worth it.

At home, Aidan goes into his room and I can hear him talking to his friends, on his phone. Erica and I take a step outside, and we roam around the acre-long backyard we bought just after the incident in Manchester.

There’s not much that’s said. The crickets echo in the distance. The stars are covered by the lights of the earth, but I know they’re out there somewhere. Tonight, is a period of reflection for us parents, because tonight is one of those nights our son will look back on and smile.

“I love you, my sweetheart,” I whisper. She intertwines her fingers with mine. I kiss her cold cheek and smell her perfume. It’s the same scent she’s worn since I met her. I close my eyes and remember it all. The pain, the anger, and the uncertainty of it all. I almost miss it, though I know the present can always be missed if you don’t keep an eye out for it.

“Forever and always,” she says, reminding me of my vows to her.

“That’s my promise to you,” I repeat.

“You mean it? Even after all these years?” she asks.

I look at her and place my fingers against my lips slowly. I arch my head down and kiss her, keeping my finger in between us. “I think about you everyday,” I whisper. “When you go to the grocery store, I think about you. When you’re in the other room, I’m dreaming about you. When I’m with our son, I can’t help but think about you. You are my world, Erica. You’re everything to me. I would rather die than live without you.”

Her eyes reflect against the moonlight, like glass orbs. I place my hand around her waist and feel her skin. She hasn’t aged a bit, or maybe I just haven’t realized it. I feel her gorgeous tits and I still want to stuff my face in between them. I roll my fingers over her nipples and she moans lightly against the cold night air.

“Walker,” she moans. “Aidan is inside.”

“So what?” I smile wildly, remembering the time we spent in the women’s bathroom. My cock grows hard and thick against my basketball shorts. She feels it against her legs and gulps.

She doesn’t protest after that. I feel her wetness with my fingers and I begin fingering her slowly. “You like that?”

“Harder,” she whispers. “Make me your slut.”

I have to admit. She’s gotten more intense sexually since we’ve grown older. I always thought your sexual prime was in your 20s, but it turns out, it’s around your 40s.

I fall to my knees and stuff her beautiful cunt in my mouth. She drips against my tongue and I enjoy her endlessly. Her thighs wrap around my shoulders, like she’s about to go for the ride of her life, and she clutches against my hair, moaning loudly now.

The crickets stop making their noise to listen. Luckily, Aidan begins blasting music in the other room.

“Taste me,” she moans. “I’m close.”

I focus my tongue against her clit and start pumping my fingers faster and harder. I massage her pussy in an upward motion. She works so fucking hard. She deserves to cum. Keeping my tongue working on her, I become fixed with intense pressure. I’m glued to her.

When she starts twitching, I know she’s about to give it to me. I quickly take out my cock and I hold her down. She screams, “Yes!” as my hand wraps loosely around her neck. I thrust hard once. I pump twice. And when she opens her eyes to tell me she’s cumming, I cum inside her, just like that night at the motel.

“Fuuuuckkkk!” I scream. Her pussy feels so fucking good around my shaft.

“Walker!” she moans.

“I love you, Erica,” I moan, releasing every last ounce I have inside my body.

There’s nothing real in this world, except for the novel moments you share with the ones you love. Whatever happened in the past is the past. It’s turned to Ash. When we’re eighty and chipping away at our memories, I know that I’ll still have her by my side. And when she’s down and out, I’ll be there for her because that’s the kind of guy I am now.

Remember the boyfriend experience? Yeah, well. Let’s pretend that never happened.