There’s a certain kind of energy that runs through me today. It’s light and elevating, pushing me to act on impulses I’ve never even dreamed of before. I didn’t text or call him yesterday. I felt like I should give it a rest. Today, however, is different. Today, I’m feeling extra daring.

I do something stupid. After my class, I drive over to the hospital. I sit in the parking lot and I just look at the doors. I run my fingers along the edges of my skirt and bite my lip. I love the excitement that comes out of fear. The thing is, doing something wrong can feel so damn good, so why do anything right? That’s Josie’s philosophy and I’ve somehow adopted it into my life. She’d be laughing her cute butt off if she knew what I was doing right now.

My fingers move down, trailing across the soft, creamy skin of my thighs, landing on my freshly washed, cotton panties. They feel dry across my fingers, until I press a little. It becomes apparent that I’m wet and ready for him. Only, this is just a fantasy. I’ll be leaving in a second. I can’t just barge into his office.

But when I see him, I don’t know what to do. He walks right past my car and I mean right past it. His coat grazes my tinted windows, but he doesn’t notice a thing. His face bears the hardened seriousness of a doctor on a mission. Maybe he’s going to perform surgery on a patient, or maybe this is just how he looks when he’s at work.

He must have a lot of stress he needs to release. I bet he doesn’t get one ounce of rest. The poor guy. He needs a woman, as all men do during times of great need. What if I was to go inside his office right now? What would he do? Would he simply ask me to shut the door and turn the lock? Or would he tell me to get out? Both of these options start to excite me and I’m not sure why.

I pick up my phone, put my car in reverse, and call him as I pull out of the hospital parking lot. He answers within two rings. He says, “You again? I wasn’t sure you’d call me back.”

“Well, I did, so you should be feeling very lucky right now,” I say.

“You shouldn’t be talking on the phone while driving,” he says.

“Who says I’m driving?” I ask him. Shit. Maybe he’s on to me.

“I can hear sound of your tires hitting the pavement,” he says.

“Well, I made a small pit stop after class. You’ll never guess where I am,” I say, turning the corner.

“Outside my office?” he asks, the hopeful man.

“I was in the parking lot. You walked right past my car,” I laugh.

“So you’re stalking me now, huh? You’re lucky I’m into that sort of thing,” he says.

“You’re into crazy women, aren’t you?” I ask back.

His voice turns earnest and sincere. “I’m not sure. It’s been a while since I’ve been with anyone. But you’re a bit different than most women. You interest me,” he says.

“Like a pet or something?” I ask.

“You can be my pet if you want to be,” he says. “I can be a pretty good owner. Most of the time.”

The game has begun. I have to pull the car over to the side of a random neighborhood, in order to keep myself from veering off the road. “I’ve never been owned before. It’s going to take a good deal of training to make me obedient.”

“Why don’t you come inside? I’ve got an hour,” he says.

I gulp down hard and take a deep breath. It’s all fun and games until it turns too real. I sit in silence and try to decide whether or not I should do this. I’ve never been with a man. At least, not like this. What he wants to do to me is completely new and slightly strange. Will he be the gentle, strong and caring man I’ve been dreaming of?

“I don’t know if your office is the best place for us to talk,” I say.

“Then come over tonight,” he says. “I’m off at 10.”

“Maybe I will,” I smile. I’m wetter than ever. The leather seat underneath me has grown damp. The feeling of being wanted this bad is exhilarating. The guys my age sometimes exude this type of behavior, but they’re all too young to value the importance of a woman. For some reason, it takes men a great deal of learning to understand just what we mean to them. James understands, or so I think he does.

“I’ll leave my door unlocked,” he says.

“Text me the address,” I blurt out.

“Okay,” he says.

“Maybe I’ll stop by, but don’t get your hopes up,” I add.

“They never are,” he laughs.

I hang up the phone without saying goodbye. My hands are shaking as I throw the thing into my purse. I have to keep breathing slowly in order to regulate myself. Tonight. Should I do it? Is it really worth it? I’ve prided myself on staying celibate for so long because I’ve never wanted to taint how I viewed love, but I can’t help but know that lust is a very real feeling. It’s probably just as real and potent as love is. So what is real and what isn’t?

I put my car back in drive and peel out of there. I head home in a hurry, stacking the pros and cons in my mind. I already know what Josie would say. She would tell me to pounce on him as fast as I can. I keep my thoughts to myself. There’s no need to ask for advice.

When I’m home, I can barely think, let alone open my books to study for my upcoming tests. I sit on my bed and think about him coming into my room, seeing my pink, satin bed sheets, and smiling, knowing that he’s the one to rid me of my innocence.

I somehow manage to fall asleep for hours. When I wake up, it’s nearly pitch-black outside. I check my phone. 10:15 PM. Two missed text messages shine on my screen. One is from Josie. “What’s going on tonight?” she asks. Oh, you know, I’m probably just going to go over to the doctor’s house. The second text is, of course, from James. It’s a simple display of his address.

I text him back. “Just woke up from a nap,” I type. I hit send, although I don’t know where I’m going with this.

It doesn’t take much longer for him to get back to me. “Interesting. I just got in my car. Have any ideas?” he asks.

My body begins to feel like it’s floating, like I have very little control over my motor functions. My cheeks are warm and my back feels heavy. I look at myself in the mirror. I look good, I decide, even though I’m only wearing my underwear. The words come effortlessly from my fingers. “You could come over and keep me company,” I say. My decision: I’m not going to his house, but if he wants to come here, he can. That doesn’t mean we’ll have sex. It simply means we’ll just be… hanging out.

“Send me the address and I’ll be on my way,” he types.

I send him my address and instantly feel the fear and excitement take over my body. “See you soon,” I add, complete with a heart emoji. Is this what being an adult is like? Inviting strange experiences into your life? If so, I guess I’ve finally entered adulthood.

I can’t focus. All I can do is pace around the room. So I invited him over. Is that such a crime? Well, it’s something completely new and impulsive. Though, when I hear my doorknob turn, wave after wave of euphoria enters into me. I hear his boots knock against my wood floors as he comes near my room. “Olivia?” he calls out.

“You can come in,” I tell him.

He pushes the door open and smugly leans against the frame of the door. “Sorry it took so long to get here,” he says. He holds up a bottle of wine and smiles. “But I got you a peace offering.”

I crawl out of the covers, over to the edge of the bed. I sit down and look at the empty space next to me. “A peace offering, huh? How sweet,” I say. He sits down next to me and opens the bottle. “Sorry, all my glasses are kind of dirty.”

“It’s cool. I remember college life,” he says. “We can just drink it out of the bottle.”

“That must have been a lifetime ago,” I say.

He laughs and shakes his head. “Shit. I’m that old to you?” he asks.

“How old do you feel? That’s important, right?” I ask him.

He sits with his legs slightly open and his left thigh comes into contact with mine. With a pounding chest and high temperature of emotions, I quickly look up at him with shock, but he doesn’t even seem to notice. He just looks at me steadily, eyes gazing at my lips. I know exactly what he wants, but he’s taking his sweet time.

“I feel about 24. I’m 35 and I still feel like I’m in my twenties. Watch out, ‘cause it’s going to happen to you in a blink of an eye,” he says.

“Ugh. Don’t say that. At least with men, your thirties are like your prime. For us, it’s almost as if our thirties are the end of the road,” I say.

“You want to stay young and cute forever?” he laughs.

I nod my head emphatically. “Yup. I like being cute,” I say.

“Well, you do it pretty well,” he says. His eyes trail down to my skirt. My hand lays flat in the center, but I can tell he’s going to move it soon. There’s a silent pause that seems to last a lifetime. Then, he looks back into my eyes and says, “I’ve been wanting to fuck you ever since we met.”

His hand moves solidly around my waist. I turn my body to face him, unsure as to how this will play out. This is my first time and it’s with this doctor. Do I tell him my secret?

“Who said we’re going to fuck?” I ask him, all in a whisper.

He doesn’t say a word and I find myself closing my eyes. His hand moves down to my thigh. Goose bumps prick up against my skin. “I did,” he finally says. His lips meet against mine. His tongue slides against mine. He smells so fucking good. His cologne is elegant and refined. He’s like an aged wine. Fuck.

He pulls away, slightly biting my lip. I’m so turned on that I barely know what to do. I lean back against the mattress and eye him carefully. He crawls over me and unbuttons his shirt. “I’m a virgin,” I tell him. It’s quick and painless, like a Band-Aid.

This can’t last forever… can it?

“I’m a lucky man,” he whispers. His fingers moving across my skin, tickling me in the best of ways, send me reeling.

“It will have to be our secret,” I tell him. “No one can know about this.”

“Relax. Let me guide you,” he says, kissing my stomach. His tongue scoops against my hipbone and his lips connect. He continues to move lower as my breathing increases.

“I’m all yours, doctor,” I find myself saying.

“Good.” He smiles.

He has no qualms with taking me. “Does it… does it turn you on that I’ve never slept with someone before?”

His fingers trail across my panties. I shiver with excitement. He unzips his pants and towers above me. When he’s naked, I can’t help but gawk. His body is immaculate. I trace the muscles of his chest and abs, all the way down to his pelvic line. That perfect V stares back at me, and suddenly I’m face to face with perfection in a man. A few inches below, his cock stands upright. It’s… huge.

“Holy shit,” I whisper to myself.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be gentle,” he says. “I promise.”

I reach out and feel it in my hand. It’s so hard I could probably use it to break that wine bottle he bought me. I swallow the saliva in my mouth and look up at him. “You’re so innocent, aren’t you?” he asks, placing his hand around my chin and cheeks. He leans forward and kisses me again.

“I’m not as innocent as you think,” I whisper.

He gives a look of pleasure. “Yeah? Why don’t you prove it to me?”

I let my mouth open. My tongue folds out slowly. His fingers enter my mouth, enter the back of my throat. I wrap my lips around them and slowly move my head back and forth. “Holy shit, baby,” he moans. I start stroking his cock, feeling him get even harder.

His other hand pushes my panties off to the side. His hand touches my pussy, wet and aching. I want to cum so bad. I can’t believe this is happening right now. I can’t believe I allowed him to come over. He slips two fingers inside of me and moves them in and out. I moan lightly and close my eyes. Both hands move back and forth.

“You like having both holes filled, don’t you?” he asks.

I nod and he takes his fingers from me. “I need you, Olivia. I need you now,” he says.

“Then take me,” I say.

There’s no hesitance. He pulls my body toward him. He slides my panties down, past my ankles. He throws them on the floor, as I pull my shirt over my breasts. He kisses each, gently, and holds them in both hands.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” he whispers. He guides his cock toward my lips. He pushes his hips forward. I feel the pressure of his head. I hold my breath. This is it. He can barely fit. “You okay?” he asks me.

I nod and open my eyes again. His hips keep moving forward. The pressure gives in to something unimaginable. We both moan loudly as hesitance and fear makes way for pleasure. “Oh, fuck,” I groan.

“You feel that?” he asks.

“Deeper,” I moan.

He’s halfway inside me, but it doesn’t take long for him to push deeper. His cock feels so fucking huge inside of me. My small body against his, his hands gripping around my hips, and my legs pressing against his chest, is all too much for me right now. When he slides back out and then back in, we moan in unison, once more, before picking up speed.

His hands tighten around my waist. “Yes!” I exhale. “Just like that.”

He thrusts harder than before, faster even. I place my hands against his firm chest. I feel every single ripple of muscle between my fingers. I’ll never get this moment back and he knows it. It tempts him further and the sheer fact that he’s this wild over me has driven me close to the edge.

He grabs my thighs and moves them together. Spinning my body to the side, he spoons me from behind. He enters me again, cupping me against him. I instinctively push my ass back against him as he fucks me slower, yet powerful and deep. “I want to make you cum,” he whispers.

“I’m so close,” I admit.

Both hands move around my breasts. He forces himself and thrusts faster now. In and out, opening me up, he’s discovering and conquering me in between every interval of breath. When he kisses the back and sides of my neck, I can’t take it any longer. I feel my thighs start to shake. I feel the goose bumps form again, and that warm, rising feeling on my cheeks. My pussy feels electrified. No, it feels like it’s going to explode like a volcano or earthquake.

When I feel like I’m dancing on pins and needles, I turn my head to kiss him. His tongue enters my mouth and his lips fall firmly against mine. I taste him and feel myself slip out of reality. “Shit,” I manage to say.

“Shh,” he whispers. “Let the doctor have his fun.”

But this is more than just fun. This is… holy shit, this is everything. He thrusts his hips and pinches my nipples, ever so slightly, and I just fucking lose it. I let out the loudest exclamation known to man, and I give way to the world of absolute satisfaction.

Both of his hands fall around my ass, as I’m writhing against his body. He grabs ahold and fucks me like the world is ending tomorrow, like this is the last time he’ll ever fuck a woman. “Good girl,” he whispers in my ear.

I can barely even think at this point. All I know is what I feel, and I feel everything a woman can feel in this position. He does what he wants with me. His masculine energy takes hold and suddenly, I’m laying flat on my stomach, while he takes utter control.

“James,” I whisper. “This is…”

I can’t even finish the sentence. He takes my hands and places them behind my back, near the curves of my ass. He forces both wrists together and holds them steady with one hand. With the other, he runs his fingers through my silky, brown hair. He grabs ahold and whispers, “This is everything I’ve been waiting for.”

“I’m yours,” I tell him. “All yours.”

He fucks me so good and is unabashedly strong and commanding. He controls me with his rigid cock. I manage to look back and see his cock disappear inside of me. I envelop him, lips around his shaft, walls tightening. “You feel so fucking good,” he whispers. I feel him shake lightly as he moves faster and faster.

“I want to cum inside you so fucking bad,” he whispers. The danger of it calls to him, but I’ve been on the pill for years, so there’s no worrying on my end. What he doesn’t know makes him yearn for it even more. “I want to fill you.”

“But it’s so risky,” I say.

“Exactly,” he smiles.

There’s a slight pause of silence as I feel him bottom out inside of me. His whole cock, as big as it is, is stuffing me to the brim. “Okay,” I whisper. “Do it. I want you to cum inside of me.”

He kisses every inch of my body, but never lets go of my wrists and hair. I’m his. I’m his girl. I can feel him swelling and pulsing. His groans grow deep, yet sharp as the intensity quickens. My body smashes against the mattress as our rhythm becomes destructive.

Then I feel it. I feel his cock grow, and I know he’s about to burst. Three solid thrusts is all it takes for a man so close to the edge. One, two, three—“I’m… cumming,” he says. He lets go of my hair and wrists as pleasure takes hold of his body. I feel him shoot his warm load inside of me. His pelvis and legs shake against me.

“Olivia,” he whispers. It’s not a question or statement. It’s a desire wrapped in a name. Olivia, the good virgin girl he’s been waiting for.

He slowly slides out of me, sighing with, what sounds like, the agony of lust. I turn over as he falls to the side of the bed, staring at me with his smug eyes.

“Was I the best you’ve ever had?” he asks, jokingly.

I just laugh at his cockiness. “You were okay,” I say.

“Well then,” he sighs, “I guess we’ll just have to do this again.”

“You’re really sure of yourself, aren’t you?” I ask him.

“What?” he laughs. “You don’t want to see me again?”

“It was an experience to remember,” I say. “Nothing more.”

Still, as we open the bottle of wine he gave me earlier, I have a sense that he’s not leaving anytime soon, nor is he done with me. Am I done with him? Was it just an experience to remember, and nothing more? I look at him and know the answer. He’s bad for me, but I’m not through with him either.