The flight to Chicago is quick. We’re only in the air a little over an hour before we are landing. I didn’t expect it to be quite so smooth but with the easy small talk stretching between Kane and I paired with the effects of the whiskey, which have since passed, it was a very enjoyable experience.
“First time in Chicago?” Kane asks as we sit in the backseat of an Uber, weaving in and out of downtown traffic.
“It is,” I say, keeping my eyes out the window as I try to take it all in. I’ve never been to a city this big before. “It’s a lot,” I admit.
“Yeah, certainly isn’t what you’re used to.”
“It’s beautiful,” I acknowledge. “But I still think I’d choose the beach.”
“You and me both.”
“Then why do you live here?” I ask curiously, turning toward him. “You said you’re barely ever home anyway. Couldn’t you get a place on the beach and stay there when you’re not travelling.”
“I could I guess.” He thinks on that for a moment. “But city life is easier, more convenient for work. It gives me more networking capabilities.”
“I think if I had the opportunity to do what I love and still live where I love, I’d make it work regardless.”
“Yeah, well.” He shrugs, falling silent for a long moment. “I love North Carolina. But for the longest time I didn’t feel like I really belonged there. Hell, I’m still not sure if I do.” His gaze goes toward the window so I’m unable to read his expression. “I think that’s probably the biggest reason I stayed in the city after graduation. This place feels more home than Baybridge ever did.”
“See, that’s the way I felt about Baybridge. It always felt more like home to me than Arkansas. Especially after my mom died.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through that.” He turns back toward me. “Losing your mom,” he continues. “I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you.”
“It was rough,” I agree. “But I had Kam who refused to let me wallow in my loss. I still miss her every day but in some strange way I feel like she’s been beside me since the moment she left. I’m sure that probably sounds crazy.”
“Not at all. I feel the same way about my brother.”
I have to resist the urge to reach across the middle of the seat and take his hand. I’m not sure if it’s because I sense he needs that reassurance or if it’s because I do. Either way I decide against it. Touching Kane does weird things to me and right now I’m attempting to keep a clear head.
I’m still trying to figure out how to respond to his comment when the driver slows to a stop outside of a building that has to be at least twenty stories tall.
“Ready?” Kane asks as he pays the driver.
“Yep.” I quickly climb out of the back of the car, crossing around to the trunk to retrieve my suitcase. Kane joins me at the back of the car, grabbing his own luggage before leading me toward the front door of the building.
After crossing through a small lobby that reminds me more of a hotel than an apartment building, Kane leads me to the elevators that sit just off the right down a wide hallway.
For having such easy conversation on the plane and car ride over, you would think things wouldn’t feel quite so tense when the elevator doors close behind us. But tense is the only way to describe how I feel at this very moment.
I swear I hold my breath the entire sixteen story ride up.
“How long has it been since you’ve been home?” I ask, feeling like I need to say something as I exit the elevator and follow Kane to the end of the hallway. I wait behind him as he fishes out his keys and unlocks the door.
“I flew directly to my parents’ from L.A. so I guess it’s been a while.” Pushing the door open, he waits until I’ve stepped inside before following me in, locking the door behind him.
“It’s not a ton of space but it suits my needs just fine,” he says as I look around the gorgeous apartment.
I don’t know what I expected but I can tell you that this was not it. I think I was imagining something more dark and brooding – like Kane himself – but this is anything but.
The entire room is light and airy with off white walls and light blues and grays accenting the open space. There’s a decent size kitchen on the far right of the room with gray countertops and white cabinets. The kitchen flows directly into a small dining space that houses a round glass top four person table with a French door directly next to it that opens up into what appears to be a small balcony.
The room bends in an L-shape. The living room sitting in the far left curve, decorated in theme with the rest of the apartment. There’s a two piece gray couch and loveseat in the center of the room accented with blue pillows, a large fireplace along the back wall with a television mounted above it, and another French door that opens up to the outside making me realize that the balcony is much bigger than I had originally thought.
Kane gives me a tour, taking me down a small hallway where the guest bedroom and bath are housed. After depositing my suitcase on the queen bed and taking a quick look at the space I’ll be staying in for the night, I follow Kane next door into the master suite.
Stepping into Kane’s bedroom feels oddly personal. While every part of me wants to stand here and study every detail of the space, after staring at the large king bed for several long seconds, imagining what it would feel like to be wrapped in the sheets with Kane’s body hovering over me, I find myself muttering how nice his apartment is and quickly backing out of the room.
There may be a lot of baggage surrounding Kane and me, but the fact still remains that I’m only human. And being in such close proximity to a man like Kane Thaler is definitely a testament to my will power.
“Are we able to go out there?” I ask, gesturing to a set of French doors as we reenter the main living space. I feel like fresh air might help clear my mind a bit.
“Of course.” He waits until I step out onto the balcony before following me outside.
The temperature here is warm but it’s nothing compared to the Arkansas heat and I take a moment to appreciate the breeze as it whips through my hair. The view is astounding. I swear you can see most of the city from up here.
The balcony is long and narrow, stretching the entire length of the living and kitchen space. There are a couple outdoor chairs and a small table in the middle but other than that it’s completely bare. Though it makes sense why he wouldn’t keep anything outside considering he’s barely ever here.
“This place is incredible, Kane,” I tell him, needing to reestablish the comfortable existence I felt between us earlier.
“It’s good for what I need.” He shrugs, leaning against the railing next to me.
“I can’t believe this place sits empty all the time. If I paid for a place like this I’d probably never leave.”
“I prefer to be anywhere but here most days,” he says, his dark eyes locked on the city below.
“Why? I thought you liked the city.”
“I do. I just, I don’t know.” He shakes it off, not finishing his thought. “You must be starving.” He turns toward me, completely shifting gears.
“Now that you mention it, I am a little hungry.” I let him get away with the change of subject because eating right now sounds too good to pass up.
“You feel up to going out or would you rather order in? I would offer to cook but I don’t have anything here to make.”
“You cook?” I raise a questioning eyebrow at him.
“Is it that hard to believe that I would know how to cook?” he questions, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
“A little, yeah.” I laugh.
“I happen to be a very good cook.”
“Well I guess you’ll have some time to prove it to me,” I point out, remembering that Kane will be my traveling companion for the next four weeks. Another excited burst of energy flutters through me and I find myself smiling even though I don’t mean to.
“You should do that more often,” Kane says, uncrossing his arms.
“Do what?”
“Smile,” he says, wearing a pretty fantastic smile of his own.
I want to say something, come back with some witty comment or joke that shows I’m completely unaffected by his admission. When in reality I feel like my heart is about to beat out of my chest, and I come up empty handed.
“Come on.” Kane turns, pulling open the door, essentially saving me from myself. “There’s quite a few places that deliver so you can pretty much have any kind of food you want.” His hand grazes the small of my back as I step past him into the apartment.
“What do you recommend?” I ask, trying to ignore the way that one innocent touch makes me feel, which is easier said than done.
“Are you a fan of Thai food?” he asks, crossing into the kitchen to pull open a drawer, laughing when I curl my nose and shake my head.
“Okay, no Thai food.” He pulls out a folder and sets it on the counter in front of him. “What about Chinese?” I shake my head again, joining him on the opposite side of the island that divides the kitchen from the dining room.
“Here.” He opens the folder and slides it across the bar to me.
It’s filled to the brim with every kind of menu you could possibly imagine and while everything sounds amazing, I’m not sure if I will actually be able to bring myself to eat or not. Even though I feel hungry, my stomach has been a knot of nervous energy since I woke this morning and very little, other than the short lived buzz of the whiskey, has been able to relax me.
I pull out a few menus, looking at the different array of options laid out in front of me, deciding almost instantly that there’s no way I’m going to be able to make any kind of decision right now.
“How about pizza?” I offer something familiar.
You can never go wrong with pizza, right?
“I’ve always heard how amazing Chicago deep dish pizza is. Might as well try it while I’m here,” I quickly add.
“Sounds good to me.” He takes the folder back from me once I close and extend it to him. “I’m going to get this ordered, then run down the block and grab some drinks. What can I get for you? Soda? Water? Beer?”
“I could drink a beer.” I chew nervously on my lower lip, wishing I could get my nerves to level out a bit. I feel so up and down and all over the place right now. It’s actually pretty mentally exhausting.
“Beer it is. You’ll be okay for a few?” he asks, tucking the menu under his arm before sliding his cell phone into the back pocket of his jeans.
“I think I’ll survive,” I tease. “I would actually really love to take a shower if that’s okay.”
“Of course. Towels are in the closet in the hallway. It should be stocked with everything you’ll need.”
“Okay, thank you.”
“I’ll be back soon.”
“Okay.” I offer a small wave before turning and quickly making my way down the hall toward the guest bedroom.
****
By the time Kane returns I’m finished with my shower and curled up on his couch in my favorite plaid pajama shorts and faded Southern State t-shirt scrolling through Facebook on my phone. Truth be told I’m not big on social media but with nothing else to keep my mind occupied I’ve resorted to distracting myself with everyone else’s drama.
“Hey.” Kane smiles as he deposits a couple bags on the island in front of him. “I forgot to ask what kind of beer you like. I hope Blue Moon is okay.”
“Blue Moon is perfect.” I push the wet strands of blonde hair over my shoulders and reach out, taking the beer that Kane’s holding out to me.
“Feeling better?” he asks, opening his own beer before taking a seat on the loveseat directly across from me.
“Tons,” I admit, feeling like the shower was able to wash away a little of the fog that seems to have been settled over me for most of the day.
I had to take a few minutes alone to remind myself that Kane is Kamden’s brother and while I may be out of my mind attracted to him, that’s not why I’m here. Of course that was way easier to convince myself of when he wasn’t sitting right in front of me wearing the insanely sexy smirk he’s currently throwing in my direction.
“What?” I question, suddenly self-conscious under his gaze.
“You just look really cute.” He tips his beer back and takes a long pull.
“Cute?” I repeat, not sure how to take that statement.
“It’s a compliment, El.” He chuckles.
It’s not lost on me that this is the first time he’s called me El – what nearly everyone calls me. It makes me feel good that we’ve at least crossed into somewhat friendship territory. At least enough that he feels comfortable not using my full name.
“I just, I’ve never seen you like this. Wet hair, pajamas, no make-up.”
“You’ve seen me a lot worse,” I interject, slightly embarrassed when I think about how I broke down in front of him several times over the course of that first night we spent together. God I was such a hot mess then. Not that much has changed really. I’ve just gotten much better at pretending.
Kane opens his mouth to say more but is silenced by a hard knock to the front door, followed by the ringing of his doorbell.
“Coming,” he hollers, smiling at me as he climbs to his feet and quickly crosses toward the door.
It’s less than a minute before he reappears, dropping a large pizza box, a couple plates, and some napkins on the glass coffee table in front of me.
“Dinner is served,” he announces proudly, this time taking the seat next to me rather than across from me.
We spend the next hour eating pizza – which is probably the best pizza I’ve ever eaten in my life, drinking beer, and watching Beat Bobby Flay on Food Network. I was surprised to learn that he actually loves cooking shows and taught himself how to cook when he was in college by watching shows like Iron Chef and Baking Championships.
It’s strange how I feel so comfortable with Kane sometimes and other times I feel like I’ve touched a live wire and can’t seem to get my heart to beat in a normal rhythm again. And while I still feel the energy buzzing through me as we sit next to each other on the couch, it’s not as pronounced as it was earlier which I’m grateful for.
I have to find a way to push past the way Kane makes me feel. I don’t know if it’s the obvious physical attraction or if it’s because he intimidates the hell out of me for some reason. But whatever it is I have to get over it. There’s no way I will last four weeks out of the country with this man when I can barely control myself in the same room with him for one evening.
I have to remind myself that there was a time when I felt this way for Kamden too. Though things with Kam were so much different. I didn’t feel quite so overwhelmed by the way he made me feel nor was I as on edge as I am with Kane. But then again nothing about Kane feels comparable to my relationship with Kamden.
Kam had a way of making me feel at ease, comfortable with who I was. Where Kane makes me feel squeamish and self-conscious. Kam would tease me constantly where Kane is much more serious. And while I sometimes see glimpses of Kamden in Kane, it’s clear that they are, or were, very different.
I just wish I could separate the two somehow. Then again I’m not sure if I would be more or less comfortable around Kane if I could. Because, I don’t know what it is about Kane that has me so all over the place.
Yes, he’s gorgeous. But he’s also not the first good looking guy I’ve been around so it can’t be that. Then again he’s probably the most attractive man I’ve ever seen so I guess that’s not really a fair comparison.
I don’t know what, but there’s something there. Some invisible bond that I feel like tethers us together and to be honest, I’m terrified of what that might mean. Because I’m scared to get too close to Kane. Not only because I’m afraid to get too close to anyone after losing Kam but also because I don’t want to hurt Kane the way I’d hurt Kam.
I decide to call it a night just after nine o’clock. The heavy pizza combined with three beers and not enough sleep has me feeling seconds away from dozing off while sitting up.
Unfortunately I’m wide awake the second I slip under the expensive sheets and end up spending the next several minutes lying in bed looking at the ceiling wondering how the hell I actually ended up here.
It still seems like a dream. All of this. Kam being gone, me being here with Kane. It all feels wrong and yet oddly right at the same time.
Kane’s bedroom door closes about thirty minutes later, followed by the sound of his shower turning on. I close my eyes and imagine what his reaction would be if I snuck into his room and slid underneath the hot streaming water with him.
Would he push me away and tell me to leave? Or worse… Would he pull me into his arms and beg me to stay?
My eyes shoot open and I quickly shake off the thought. God, what is wrong with me? It’s not like I’m a prude or anything but thinking of Kam’s brother that way feels wrong on so many levels.
Though it’s no wonder why my mind would go there considering how long it’s been since I’ve been with someone. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I just need to get laid as my friend, Abby had told me on the phone a couple days ago when I confided in her about how off kilter Kane makes me feel.
I mean I’m twenty-two and my sexual experience is limited to Mike Webster, who I dated for three months my junior year of high school, and Jack Taylor, who I slept with after my mom died in an effort to make myself feel anything other than the soul crushing sadness I couldn’t shake.
When I hear Kane’s mattress creak through the thin apartment walls my urge to go to him becomes almost overwhelming. It would be so easy to walk into his room, climb under the covers with him, and ask him to make me feel something again, but I know I can’t risk it.
Kamden is gone and Kane is the only person in the world that makes me feel close to him. I can’t risk screwing this up because my libido has all of a sudden decided to work again.
I don’t know how long it takes before I finally doze off but my sleep is choppy and restless once I do. A constant nagging feeling eats at the pit of my stomach all night.
It’s just after six in the morning when I finally give up and crawl out of bed, throwing on the only hooded sweatshirt I brought with me before quietly padding through the apartment and out onto the balcony.
I sit there for the next hour watching the sun rise, promising myself that I will let whatever this is go, all the while trying to convince myself why I should. The old Elara would go for what she wants and isn’t that why I’m here? To find her again.
Then again the old Elara was secretly in love with her best friend and it took her nearly seven years to admit it to him, so maybe she didn’t really go for what she wanted after all. It’s strange how when it comes to something like bungee jumping I don’t blink an eye but then when it involves real feelings I run away like a terrified child.
Maybe I should be less focused on finding the girl I used to be and more focused on discovering the girl I am now. No one goes through what I’ve been through and comes out the same person on the other side. I think it’s time to accept that the old me is gone. She died that day with Kamden. Unfortunately for me, I don’t have any real clue who took her place.