Four years ago
“So, she finally did it, huh?” I ask, leaning back in my chair as my gaze goes to my brother. “I have to admit, I didn’t think there was a chance in hell you’d get her to move here,” I say, referring to my brother’s best friend Elara. AKA: the girl he’s been secretly in love with for nearly three years now.
“I wish I could take the credit.” Kam leans forward, placing his elbows on his knees, his favorite Dodgers hat pulled low over his eyes. “With everything that’s gone down with her this year I think she needs to get away. Start fresh somewhere.”
“You’re kidding yourself if you think her coming here has nothing to do with you.” I smirk, not quite sure how my younger brother can be so dense sometimes.
“She needs a friend right now, so yeah, maybe it has a little to do with me. But her Aunt Carol is here. And she’s her mom’s only sibling. I have no doubt she needs that connection to her mom right now. Shit, man, can you imagine if something like that happened to our mom? Having to stand by and watch her die a little bit more every single day. Makes me sick even thinking about it.”
“Yeah, I’d rather not think about it,” I admit, shaking off the thought. “Regardless, I think it’s good that she’s coming here. I’m sick of you moping around like a lost puppy every time she leaves.”
“You’re never here. How do you know if I mope?”
He leans back in the rocking chair, the porch boards creaking as he does.
“Mom,” we both say in unison.
“So when do I finally get to meet this girl?”
“Elara,” Kam interjects.
“Elara,” I repeat the name I’ve heard more times than I care to admit. Elara is all Kam talks about. Ever.
“She’s supposed to get here the day before my graduation party. You’ll probably meet her there. And you better be nice to her.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I quirk a brow at him.
“Exactly what it sounds like. Don’t be an asshole.”
“I’m never an asshole,” I object.
“Dude, you’re always an asshole.” He chuckles, shaking his head at me.
“I’m trying really hard to not get offended right now but you’re making that kind of difficult.”
“I’m just saying to go easy on her, okay? She’s important.” He stands, crossing to the railing that wraps around the large front porch of our parents’ house.
“You think I don’t know that?” I push to a stand, stepping up next him. “So is this the year you’re finally gonna make your move on her?” I nudge him with my elbow.
“It’s not like that,” he objects.
“You sure about that?” I question, turning to rest my lower back against the porch railing so that I’m facing the house while he’s facing the yard.
“She’s my best friend.”
“Your best friend that you’ve been in love with for three years,” I state matter of fact.
“I love her. I’m not in love with her. There’s a difference.”
“Who are you trying to convince, Kam?”
“What the hell do you know anyway? You’ve been living in Illinois the past three years. You come home for a quick visit and you already think you’ve got me all figured out?”
“Whoa, calm down.” I hold my hands up in front of myself in surrender.
“Sorry.” He lets out a slow breath, adjusting his hat. “I’m nervous about having her here full time,” he admits after a long moment.
“Why’s that?”
“It’s just, I don’t know.” He seems to lose himself in thought for a long moment.
“You’re worried that if she’s here all the time you won’t be able to maintain the line you two have drawn in the sand for reasons I’ll never understand.”
“That’s not it,” he objects, quickly correcting himself. “Okay, maybe it is.” He sighs.
“You clearly have feelings for this girl. Why not do both of you a favor and tell her. If I had to guess I’d say she probably feels the same way.”
“You don’t even know her. You can’t make that assumption before you’ve even met someone.”
“Fair enough.” I nod slowly. “But I know you, kid. I know that look. This girl has got you hook, line, and sinker. Might as well make your move now rather than spending the rest of your life wondering what could have been.”
“What do you suggest I do? Walk up to her the minute she gets here and pronounce my love for her.”
“So you are in love with her.” I smirk.
“And you wonder why I called you an asshole.” He pushes away from the railing, pulling open the front door just moments later.
“Kam.” I chuckle when he throws me a glare over his shoulder before disappearing inside.
Man, that girl must have him even tighter than I realized. That only makes me even more curious about her. Kam has the attention span of a toddler. If she’s that under his skin then she must be something special. I just hope for his sake he doesn’t get hurt.
****
Present day
I don’t want to look at her. Looking at her makes me think of Kam and thinking about Kam hurts too fucking much right now. And yet I can’t stop myself from stealing glances at her out of the corner of my eye.
It’s easy to see what Kam saw in her. She’s beautiful.
Her long blonde waves are drenched, sticking to the back of her dress. Her mascara is smeared and her eyes are bloodshot, and still I think she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen up close.
I remember the first time I met her. Kam was so nervous. A semblance of a smile plays on my lips as I recall how quickly he swept her away moments after making the introduction. I had barely recovered from the shock of laying eyes on her for the first time before he was pulling her away to meet other family members and friends, clearly worried I would be an asshole to her, as he had so bluntly put it.
Of course that didn’t stop me from watching her all night. I knew she belonged to Kam. There was no question in my mind there. I could tell by the way she leaned into him every time she got the chance. By the way she looked up at him like he was the only person she could see. If Kam was worried she didn’t feel the same way his worry was definitely misplaced. It was clear to anyone who cared to look; those two were crazy about each other.
I still don’t fully understand why they never got together. It’s something I tried talking to Kam about a few times over the years but he was adamant that pursuing anything would ruin their friendship. Honestly I think he was just scared for what he felt for her. And now she’ll never know.
The thought brings everything back to the forefront of my mind. I have to keep reminding myself that Kam is gone. My brother is dead. And here I am, sitting next to the girl he secretly loved for years, wishing it was me laying in that grave and not him.
Elara shifts next to me, discreetly trying to wipe a tear away without drawing attention to herself. I catch sight of the brace on her arm, remembering that not only did she lose Kam but she was there when he died.
Fuck this was a bad idea.
My chest tightens and I feel my own emotion threatening to spill to the surface. I shake my head trying to pull myself together.
“Do you want to go somewhere?” I ask without actually meaning to.
“What?” She looks at me, her brows pulling together in confusion.
“Let’s get out of here.”
“And do what?”
“Fuck, I don’t know. Anything but this.” I gesture around us. “Why don’t we get a bite to eat?”
“I’m not hungry,” she quickly replies, turning her gaze back out to the water.
“Look, I get that we aren’t friends and that you probably don’t like me and that’s okay. But right now can we just pretend that we are? Because I don’t know about you but I could really use a friend right now.”
Her gaze slowly comes back to me as she thinks over my statement.
“Who said I didn’t like you?” I can’t help the small smile that hits my lips at the innocent way she asks the question.
“Considering you haven’t spoken to me despite seeing me multiple times over the last few days, I think you’ve made that pretty clear.”
“I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. I’ve just got some stuff going on in my head. Don’t take it personally.”
“So should I also not take it personally that you think I’m an asshole?” This time she pulls back a little, surprise evident on her pretty face.
“I don’t think you’re an asshole.”
“That’s not what my brother said.” I poke fun at her, needing to distract myself for a minute. To feel something other than sadness that’s been blanketing me like a second skin. “After he introduced us at the graduation party you told him he was right, that I did seem like an asshole.”
“I can’t believe he told you that.” She blinks, clearly not sure how to react.
“I think he was trying to discourage me.”
“From what?”
I almost tell her the truth. That I’d threatened Kam that if he didn’t make a move on her I would. Not that I really would have, even if Kam didn’t tell me exactly what the stunning Elara had thought of me after the party. I never would have done that to my brother. Of course I decide against telling her any of this.
“Nothing,” I finally answer, pushing up to my feet before turning to look down at her. “So what do you say?” She looks from my face to my hands that are stretched out toward her, back to my face. “Let me buy you dinner. It will make me feel a little better,” I add.
“I should try to eat something. I guess,” she finally says, reaching her uninjured hand up to take mine, allowing me to pull her to her feet.
“Anything you’re in the mood for?”
“Can we go to Zachary’s?” she asks, as she attempts to wipe the caked sand from the back of her dress before leaning over to retrieve her heels.
“The old place over on Charles Street?” I ask, waiting until she steps up next to me before turning.
“It was kind of me and Kam’s place. He would always take me there for pancakes.” She gives me a sad smile as she walks next to me.
“Zachary’s it is.” I nod. “Though I think we should probably change first.”
“Yeah.” She agrees, looking down at herself. “That’s probably a good idea.”
“I can drive you over to your place,” I offer, gesturing to my black Audi parked right to our left. “My stuff is at my parents’ anyway,” I say, knowing she lives in the apartment over her aunt’s garage next door.
“I don’t know if I should be riding in your car.” She gestures down to her wet, sand covered dress.
“It’ll be fine,” I promise, laying my hand on the small of her back as I guide her toward the car. I don’t miss the way she tenses the instant the contact is made.
I get her settled into the passenger seat before crossing around the car and climbing into the driver’s side. It’s eerily quiet as we make our way down the near vacant coastline. Elara sits completely still next to me, her eyes fixed out the window.
By the time we pull into my parents’ driveway just a few short miles from the beach, I’m fully expecting her to back out. So when she exits the car, telling me she’ll be right back, I’m honestly a little surprised.
I watch her as she crosses the yard, disappearing inside the detached garage that sits to the right of the main house just moments later.
Slipping inside the front door of my parents’ house, I quietly make my way up to my old bedroom where I’ve been crashing the last few days, hoping to not draw attention to the fact that I’m here.
The last thing I want to do right now is deal with my parents. I know that sounds bad but I’m having a hard enough time dealing with this shit as it is. Having to watch my mom’s tears stream down her face on constant repeat is more than I can handle right now.
Luckily the house is quiet and I’m able to sneak into my room undetected, reminding me of all the times I’ve tiptoed into my room before, hoping mom and dad wouldn’t catch me coming home from a late night party. God that seems like a life time ago.
Quickly stripping out of my damp suit and into a pair of jeans and long sleeve shirt, I stop when I catch sight of my reflection in the mirror that hangs on the back of the door. I stand there for a long moment, realizing for the first time how much I really do look like Kam – especially wearing his hat.
“What the fuck are you doing, Thaler?” I ask out loud, pulling the Dodgers cap off my head to look at the frayed material.
This hat was Kam’s favorite. He wore it almost everywhere. I thought about putting it inside his casket but at the last minute changed my mind, deciding I wanted to hang on to it.
I’m still studying the hat, wondering how Kam would react if he knew what I was doing right now, when I catch a glimpse of Elara crossing the yard through the bedroom window. Quickly sliding the cap back on my head, I make my way downstairs, taking the steps two at a time before pushing my way outside.
I swallow down the hard lump in my throat, not able to take my eyes off her as we both make our way toward the car from opposite directions.
She replaced her black dress with dark leggings and a long gray sweater that almost hangs to her knees, her long blonde hair now tied into a messy knot on top of her head. She’s so damn beautiful that for a moment I forget who she is entirely and just focus on the way her hips sway as she walks. On the way she nibbles her bottom lip nervously when she reaches the car. And the way her sweet vanilla scent engulfs me the instant she climbs into the seat next to me.
“Ready?” I ask, watching as she nervously pulls the arm of her sweater over her brace.
“Ready,” she answers after a moment, nodding.
Slipping on my seatbelt, I back out of the driveway, meeting Elara’s gaze in the reflection of the window for the briefest moment before she quickly looks away.
“Can I ask you something?” I ask after several long moments of silence have stretched between us.
“Okay.” I see her glance in my direction out of my peripheral vision but I keep my gaze locked on the road.
“You loved my brother?”
“Is that a question?” She seems confused.
“No. I mean, you loved him. I know that. And I know how much you meant to him. So why did you two never…”
“Why did we never date?” she finishes my sentence, clearly picking up on where I’m going with this.
“Yeah.”
“It’s complicated.”
“Most things are.”
“You wouldn’t understand.” She shrugs.
“Try me,” I offer.
“Kam was my best friend. And I was in love with him,” she admits, looking back out the window. “At first I thought he didn’t feel the same way. But as time went on I knew he did. I could tell.”
“Then what was the hold up?”
“I don’t know, honestly.” She lets out a slow breath. “I guess I didn’t want to be the one to come out and say it. I needed him to do it. It seems so stupid now. All the time we wasted.” She sniffs and only then do I notice the tears that have once again welled in her eyes.
Without thinking I reach over and squeeze her hand, not missing the way she once again tenses at my touch.
“I told him I was in love with him the day of the accident,” she admits, a couple tears streaking down her cheek. “I told him I loved him and then I watched him die.”
In an instant, I’m yanking the car to the side of the road. After unclasping my seat belt and then hers, I have her in my arms within seconds of putting the car in park.
“Shhh,” I whisper into her hair, fighting back the overwhelming urge to just let myself go right along with her.
“Be strong for her,” I hear Kam say in my mind. “Take care of my girl.”
“We missed out on so much.” She turns her face into my chest, clenching the sleeve of my shirt with her good hand as the sobs rack through her. “We wasted so much time.”
I don’t know what to say to that. I don’t know a single word that can comfort her right now. So I do the only thing I know to do. I hold onto her as tightly as I can and let her cry herself out.
I don’t know how much time has passed by the time she finally pulls away. Maybe it’s seconds. Maybe it’s several minutes. All I know is that when she pulls back and looks up at me with swollen blood shot eyes, I nearly lose it.
“I’m so sorry.” She withdraws quickly like she’s only now remembering who she’s with.
“Don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I have a lot to be sorry for,” she mutters under her breath, wiping at her cheeks.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“Nothing.” She shakes her head before meeting my gaze. “I’m just sorry to dump all my stuff on you. You and your family have suffered such an unimaginable loss and here I am acting like I’m the only one affected by this.”
“You’re not dumping anything on me. Selfishly I want you to need me because in some weird way I think I need you.”
“Why would you need me?” She seems genuinely confused by my statement.
“You were the closest person to my brother. You knew him better than anyone else. I guess being close to you makes me feel closer to him.”
“You remind me a lot of him,” she says, once again pulling the sleeves of her sweater over her hands. “Being near you makes me feel closer to him too.”
“What do you say we skip the pancakes? I think we’re in need of something a little stronger than syrup,” I suggest.
“I think that sounds like a good idea.” She gives me a soft smile and I swear in that instant my heart kicks back to life, finally beating inside my chest for the first time in days.