“You look beautiful.” My words are followed by complete and utter silence.
She’s staring at me; lips parted, cheeks pink, a million things running behind those incredible ocean blue eyes of hers. I didn’t expect such an innocent comment to completely stun her. Then again, there was really nothing innocent about it.
She is beautiful.
Hell, she’s more than just beautiful. I can’t recall ever getting weak kneed over a woman but that’s exactly what happens to me every time Elara looks at me. And she’s damn near bringing me to my knees with the way she’s looking at me right now.
It takes all the willpower I have not to pull her to me. Not to take her face in my hands and taste the sweetness of her plump lips – to feel her melt into me the way I’ve pictured she would a million times over the course of the last twenty-four hours.
“Thank you.” She finally breaks eye contact, offering me a soft smile before quickly exiting the room, her scent staying with me long after she pulls the door closed behind her.
Fuck me…
****
“So, tell me more about your plans for the future,” I press, spooning a bite of gelato into my mouth.
I took Elara to one of the most incredible restaurants in the area where you can pretty much order just about any Italian food your heart desires and she ordered the plainest, most basic thing on the menu–spaghetti. Which prompted the conversation of all the foods she hasn’t tried, one very important one being gelato. Who hasn’t tried gelato, was my one and only thought. So, of course, I decided it was something I had to remedy immediately.
“I don’t really know that I have plans.” She doesn’t meet my gaze as she swirls the spoon in the frozen mixture.
“Come on, Elara. Everyone has plans. What did you want to be when you were a kid?” I try another angle.
She thinks on that for a long moment, her eyes shifting up to meet mine. “You’ll laugh.” A small smile graces her lips.
“I won’t,” I promise.
“You will,” she counters.
“Well, there’s only one way to find out. Try me.”
“You first,” she challenges, scooping a bite of gelato into her mouth. “You were right by the way. Incredible.” She practically moans as she swallows.
I’m momentarily drawn to that action, the one small sound that sends my mind reeling in a completely different direction.
“I...” I clear my throat and refocus. “I guess my top pick was to be a pilot. Either that or I wanted to join the military.”
“Seriously?” She quirks a brow at me.
“What?” I shoot back, not able to hide my smile.
“You don’t strike me as a military man.”
“Why’s that?” I counter, trying to hold my serious expression when I see her squirm slightly.
“You just seem more…”
“More what?” I cut in when she pauses. “I’m getting the impression here you think I’m too pussy for something as intense as the military. You might be wounding my manhood a bit,” I say, completely stone faced even though on the inside I’m finding this quite humorous.
I expect her to try to explain herself, apologize even, so when she bursts out laughing I’m not really sure how to react.
“Is something funny?” I cock my head to the side and narrow my gaze at her, fighting the smile threatening to split across my face.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t peg you for a man that throws around words like pussy. Just caught me off guard is all.” She bites her bottom lip in an effort to keep herself from smiling.
“What kind of man did you peg me for?” I ask, leaning forward, placing my elbows on the small table between us.
“I don’t know. You seem really serious. And your kind of intimidating,” she tacks on the last part.
“I’m intimidating?” I question, not really sure how to take that.
“You know, like you just always seem, god I don’t know what I’m trying to say.” She blows out a breath. “I guess you would have made a good military man. Perhaps a drill sergeant. You would have been amazing at that job.”
She’s rambling and fuck me if it isn’t the most adorable thing ever.
“You done now?” I chuckle when she finally stops speaking, not able to suppress the smile stretching across my face.
“Yep. Officially mortified. We good now? Can I go home?” She hitches her finger toward the door.
“You’re not getting off that easy. You still have to tell me what you wanted to be,” I remind her.
“I wanted to be a trapeze artist,” she mutters, quickly shoving another bite of gelato into her mouth and slowly swallowing.
“What was that?” I hold my hand to my ear like I didn’t hear her.
“A trapeze artist,” she says a little too loudly, drawing the attention of the older couple sitting to our right. “In the circus. Okay?”
“You don’t have to yell it,” I tease, loving the light shade of pink that reaches her cheeks.
“Shut up.” She huffs.
“So a trapeze artist, huh? Somehow that doesn’t really surprise me.”
“Are you making fun of me right now?” She glares daggers in my direction.
“Babe, if I were making fun of you you’d know it,” I say, not missing the way her blush deepens at my choice of words.
“Whatever.” She brushes it off, clearly diverting.
“Okay, so clearly trapeze artist didn’t work out,” I observe.
“Clearly.” She rolls her eyes and sits back, crossing her arms in front of her chest.
“So then was writing always your second choice.”
“I don’t know. Maybe.” She pauses before continuing, “When I was in high school I became obsessed with old movies and even more fascinated with how the entire process works. How they brought something to life with nothing more than putting pen to paper, producing an amazing story. I guess it stuck.” She shrugs.
“Hence the English major.”
“Yep.” She nods, uncrossing her arms to take another bite of gelato.
“What about outside of that?”
“Outside of what?” she questions after she swallows.
“Outside of career choices. You’re still pretty young, there has to be things you want to do.”
“You’re almost as young as me,” she counters.
“You’d be surprised what a difference three years can make. And that wasn’t my point anyway. How about marriage and kids? Is that something you see in your future?” My turn in the conversation gets her attention and within seconds she’s abandoned her spoon in her cup of gelato and has her hands knotted in front of her on the table.
“Yes? No? Maybe?” I question when she makes no attempt to answer.
“I think I’d like to get married one day,” she offers, finally meeting my gaze. “What about you?”
“Yeah, I think eventually. Maybe once I’ve nailed down a more consistent employment and can be around long enough to actually have a relationship.”
“I see.” She twists her fingers together but doesn’t look away.
“Kids?” I ask.
“No.” She shakes her head, her answer surprising the hell out of me.
“No, you don’t want kids?” I clarify.
“No, I mean yes, I do. But no, I can’t.”
“What do you mean you can’t?”
“Just what I said, I can’t.”
“You can’t have children?” I soften my voice.
“Nope.” She lets out a slow breath. “I got really sick when I was little and almost died. We didn’t know until many years later but the medication they gave me caused irreversible damage to some pretty key areas.” She gestures to her abdomen. “Therefore, no kids.”
“Wow.” I sit back, not really sure what to say. “I’m sorry that happened to you,” I offer.
“Don’t be. I accepted it a long time ago.”
“Do you think you’d ever adopt?”
“Maybe.” She shrugs. “I guess it would depend on my situation. But right now I’m nowhere close to considering anything like that.”
“I didn’t suspect you would be,” I offer, wishing she’d meet my gaze.
“So, anyway. What about you? You see kids in your future.” She finally looks up, clearly trying to hide the emotion this conversation has stirred.
“I think I’d like to have one or two,” I admit.
Something shifts on her face. Something I can only read as disappointment, but it’s gone as quickly as it appeared and I’m left wondering if maybe I’m just looking for things that aren’t there.
“Tell me something you’ve never done that you’ve always wanted to do?” I change tactics, sensing the urgency for a lighter topic.
“Visit Italy.” She smirks.
Smart ass.
“Something you’re not currently doing,” I counter. “Something off the top of your head.”
“Skydive,” she says after thinking on it for a moment.
“Really?” I smile.
“Well, that’s something I used to want to do,” she adds.
“But not anymore?”
“I don’t know.” She shrugs, blowing out a breath.
“If I took you to go skydiving right now would you do it?” I challenge.
“I don’t know,” she repeats.
“Why don’t you know?”
“A year ago I would have said yes with no hesitation but now, I don’t know. I guess maybe I’m scared.”
“What are you scared of?”
“Death,” she blurts.
“We’re all scared of death, Elara.”
“I wasn’t. I was only scared of not living. I pushed everything to the limit. Was afraid of nothing. Until…” She trails off.
“Until Kam,” I finish her sentence.
“Until Kam.” She nods, sadness filling her face.
“You know he wouldn’t want that, right.”
“Wouldn’t want what?” She looks at me, her forehead drawn in confusion.
“He wouldn’t want you to change who you are.”
“Who I am is the reason he’s dead.”
“Who you are is the reason he loved you,” I interject.
“Can we please not do this?” She scoots her chair back and stands abruptly. I immediately follow, dropping a few bills on the table before exiting the small shop behind her.
“Elara.” I snag her arm as she turns to walk away.
“I can’t talk about him, Kane.” She whips around, tears welling behind her eyes. “I know I should. I should want to talk about him. I should want to remember him. But it hurts too much. I can’t do it.”
“You can.” I place my hands on her shoulders to steady her. “It’s the only way you’re going to deal with it. You have to talk about it. About him. You can’t close off and pretend like the accident didn’t happen, like Kam isn’t gone.”
“I know he’s gone,” she bites. “I’m not pretending the accident didn’t happen. I was there, remember? I won’t be able to erase that from my memory for as long as I live. So no, Kane, I’m not pretending anything. I just can’t talk about him like it’s okay because it’s not okay.”
“Hey.” I pull her to my chest, locking my arms around her shoulders. Maybe I pushed her too hard too fast.
It helps me to talk about Kam, to remember him as he was, but it clearly isn’t the same for Elara. At least not yet.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper into her hair, feeling her relax against me the moment I do. “We don’t have to talk about it. But, Elara, one of these days you’re going to have to and when you’re ready, I hope you know I’m here.”
“I do,” she says against my chest, her arms wrapping around my middle. “I’m sorry too. Sometimes I just can’t deal.”
“It’s okay,” I reassure her, dropping my cheek to the top of her head, not ready to let go just quite yet.
“I’m sorry I ruined our evening.” She breaks away too soon for my liking and I’m forced to take a step back.
“You didn’t ruin anything.” I reach up and brush a hair away from her cheek.
Her body tenses at my touch but she doesn’t step away from it.
“I kind of did,” she counters.
“Well, maybe a little.” I grin, pulling the exact reaction from her I was hoping for.
“Such an ass.” She fights a smile as she spins on her heel and takes off up the sidewalk.
I wait until she’s several yards away before informing her, “You’re going the wrong way.”
She stops, looks around, realizes she has absolutely no idea where she’s going before turning back in my direction, a slight pout on her mouth.
“I repeat, ass,” she mutters loud enough that I can hear her before she stomps back in my direction.
“You’re really cute when you glare at me like that.” I chuckle as she walks right past me, her shoulder bumping into me as she does.
“Good, then I’ll be sure to do it more often,” she quips, throwing me another glare when I step up next to her, matching her stride.
I can’t help but tilt my head back on a laugh that I simply cannot suppress. This girl. I swear to God I don’t know what I’m going to do with her. One minute she’s seconds from tears, the next she’s faking anger. I’m almost afraid to see what comes next and yet oddly excited at the same time.
“Stop laughing at me.” She tries to fight her smile as she bumps her shoulder gently into mine.
“I can’t help it. You’re funny,” I deadpan.
Her lip twitches once before her own sweet laughter fills the air.
“You are not at all what I expected, Kane Thaler.”
“I’m hoping that’s a good thing,” I say, dropping my arm around her shoulder before tucking her into my side.
I don’t even mean to do it; it just happens so naturally. One minute I’m walking next to her, the next I’m pulling her to me. And once she’s there, the fuck if I’m letting her go.
“The jury is still out on that one.” She smiles up at me and I swear it takes everything in me not to lean down and press my lips against hers.
“Is that so?” I say instead, flipping my gaze back up to watch where we’re going. Mainly because I know with complete certainty that if she keeps looking at me I will most definitely kiss her.
“It is.” I feel her nod.
“Anything I can do to help my odds?” I joke.
“I’ll let you know if anything comes to mind.” I can hear the smile in her voice but I keep my eyes focused forward. “Damn, I really was going in the wrong direction,” she adds when the apartment building we’re staying at comes into view. “Here I thought maybe you were just trying to screw with me.”
“I would never do that.” I drop my arm from her shoulder, throwing her a wink before climbing the front steps. I pull open the front door, holding it for Elara until she steps past me into the foyer of the building.
“Did I ever tell you how much I despise stairs?” She looks up at the narrow staircase in front of us.
“I could always carry you,” I offer with a wide smile on my face.
“You’re so much more like him than I realized.” I can tell the moment it leaves her mouth she wants to take it back, but before I can even think to respond she quickly adds, “Race you to the top.”
With that she takes off up the stairs so fast she’s already half way up the first set before I’ve even moved an inch.
It takes me no time to catch her. Her five-four frame is no match for my six foot one. My legs are long enough to easily take two steps at a time and I quickly pass her with very little effort.
“No fair,” she yells after me. “You’re legs are way longer than mine.”
“You’re the one that challenged me, remember?” I laugh, slowing down enough that I don’t get too ahead of her. “Perhaps you should have thought it through,” I call behind me.
“Again, ass,” she yells through the stairwell, her footsteps not coming as quickly as before.
“You gonna make it?” I stop at the top of the sixth floor landing and look over the railing. She’s still a good floor and a half down.
“Does your offer to carry me still stand?” She stops for a brief moment, taking a deep breath before continuing her climb up.
“That depends, would it help my case?” I holler down to her.
“With the way my legs are burning I would say most definitely,” she says breathlessly.
Clearly she doesn’t actually think I will do this, because when I appear in front of her, hoisting her into my arms and cradling her to my chest, she cries out in surprise.
“Kane. I didn’t think you were serious,” she objects as I head back up the stairs I just came down.
“I’m pretty sure I told you, El, I won’t ever lie to you. I said I would carry you and carry you I will.” I catch her smile out of the corner of my eye but I keep my focus on the stairs, not wanting to trip with her in my arms.
“How about now?” I ask, depositing her on her feet in front of the apartment seconds later.
“How about now?” She looks up, eyebrows drawn together.
“Jury still out?”
The smile that stretches across her face damn near does me in.
“Getting close I think.” She winks, shimmying past me into the apartment.
And if I didn’t know it before, I sure as hell know it now. I am in some serious trouble…