I turn away from Kam’s grave, an odd sensation of relief washing over me. Like this was what I needed all along–to talk to him.
I look up, prepared to walk away holding onto that feeling when the ground beneath my feet seems to shift slightly and for a brief moment I let my mind convince itself that Kamden is standing right in front of me.
His hair is a little longer, a little darker, but it’s his nose, his mouth, his firm jaw, and staggering good looks. It’s only when I reach his eyes that reality seems to snap back into place. In that moment, I’m overwhelmed with both disappointment and excitement, the latter not an emotion I expected to feel realizing that the man I’m looking at isn’t Kam.
“Kane.” His name falls from my mouth unintentionally and I quickly wipe my cheeks with the back of my hands, knowing I probably look like a mess right now. “What… what are you doing here?” I stutter, suddenly very aware of the intimate conversation I just shared with Kam and wondering if he overheard.
“Thought I’d stop by and have a chat with my little brother.” He nods toward Kam’s headstone behind me. “You?”
“Same.” I shrug.
“How have you been?” he asks, scuffing his foot against the ground.
“I’m hanging in there. You?”
“Same.” He looks at me for a long moment, seeming like he wants to say more but refusing to.
“Well, he’s all yours.” I force a small smile, nodding before quickly stepping past him and making my way back through the cemetery.
I can’t handle dealing with Kane right now. Not when I’m so close to getting the hell out of here in one piece. I wish I didn’t feel that way. I wish things between us could be different, but they aren’t. There’s no sense in pretending like we care about how the other is doing. He made his feelings on that matter very clear when he left without a word.
Now if only that were my truth… Unfortunately I think I care a little too much, but I’m not going to let him know that when he clearly has no regard for me.
I’m not sure why I feel like he owed me a goodbye, but I do. After the evening we shared, the bond we formed around our mutual love for Kam, I guess I thought that maybe we’d be able to help each other. Then again, him leaving might have actually helped me in the long run. There’s something about him that I can’t quite put my finger on. Something that tells me I should steer clear.
“Did I hear you say you were leaving?” His words wash over me just moments before I reach the car and my entire body freezes.
I turn slowly to find him standing just feet from me. “You were listening to my conversation?” I grind out, embarrassment and anger boiling to the surface.
“I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know you were here until I heard you talking. By then it was already too late.”
“So you just kept listening?”
“It wasn’t like I meant to overhear you.”
“Somehow I doubt that,” I snip, my emotions all over the place. “That conversation was between me and Kam. You had no right to listen.”
“I’m sorry.” He lets out a slow breath, running a hand through his dark hair. “I just saw you sitting there and I guess I kind of froze.” He waits to make sure I’m not going to respond before asking the question again. “So are you leaving?”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but yes, I am.”
“You’re running away.” It’s a statement not a question and I pull back like he’s physically slapped me right across the face.
“Excuse me?”
“Just an observation.” He holds his hands up in front of himself in surrender.
“More like an opinion and you’d do well to keep it to yourself.”
“Are you mad at me for some reason?” He drops his hands, studying me curiously.
“Why would I be mad at you?” I cross my arms over my chest.
“I should have said goodbye.” His features soften and he lets out another slow breath like he’s just now realizing why I would be upset.
“Yeah well, it’s not like we’re friends or anything.” I make a move to turn. “I have to go.” Before I can get even one full step in, his fingers are wrapped around my forearm pulling me to a stop.
I turn my face to the side, instantly dizzy by how close he is. Sucking in a hard breath, I hold it, wishing that I knew him well enough to anticipate his next move.
“I want to be your friend, Elara.” His voice is like velvet in my ear and goose bumps immediately erupt across my neck. “I just… I needed some time.” He releases my arm, allowing me to take a step back and put a little distance between us.
“No, I get it.” I brush it off like I couldn’t care less.
“It doesn’t seem like you do.”
“You don’t know me well enough to assume you have any idea what I think or feel.” I stand my ground, convinced that pushing him away is the right thing.
He’s already proven that he can bounce in and out of my life with little regard for how that makes me feel. And even though the rational side of me knows that he was going through his own grieving process, the other part of me is pissed for reasons I don’t fully understand.
“Fair enough.” He rocks back on his heels.
“I really should go. It was good seeing you again, Kane.” This time I manage to get a couple of steps in before his voice has me coming to an abrupt stop.
“It’s difficult for me to be near you.”
I don’t turn around to look at him. I can’t.
“Why?” I ask, my back still to him.
“Because my brother loved you and every time I look at you all I see is the life he’ll never have,” he admits, defeat clear in his voice. “Because you make me feel things I don’t have any right to feel. Because when I’m with you…” he trails off, not finishing his sentence. “The night of the funeral you pulled me out of a very dark place. You smiled at me and suddenly everything felt different. I couldn’t handle the guilt that left me with. I’m sorry for leaving the way I did but I panicked.”
“I guess I know the feeling,” I admit, slowly turning back toward Kane. I couldn’t help but wish he didn’t look so much like Kam, yet at the same time wishing he looked a little more like him.
“I do want to be your friend, Elara. You were the person my brother loved most in the world. I feel like I owe it to him to make sure you’re taken care of. I just couldn’t do that before now.”
“I don’t need someone to take care of me,” I interject. “I just needed a friend.”
“I know that. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be that for you. But I can now. I came back for you.”
“For me?” I question, confusion clear on my face.
“I regretted leaving the way I did the moment I left. But I had an assignment in L.A. and it gave me some much needed time to process a few things. It took me a while but I’m here now.”
“Well, I’m sorry you wasted the trip back because I’m leaving. Like right now,” I say, gesturing to the car sitting a couple of feet behind me.
I hate how dismissive I sound. I hate that I feel like I have to push away the only person that has been able to bring me even a semblance of peace since Kam died. But I hate how he left even more. No matter how irrational or unfair that may seem, I can’t pretend like him leaving the way he did – when I needed him the most – didn’t have some effect on me, because it did.
“Just like that?” he questions.
“Just like that,” I confirm. “Look, we don’t have to make that night more than it was. We were both sick with grief and for a brief moment we were able to give each other a little reprieve. That’s all it was. We weren’t friends when Kamden was alive and we don’t have to be now. So whatever you’re thinking – don’t.”
“Do you always do that?” A slow smile spreads across his face. It’s the same smile Kam used to give me when I would nervously ramble.
“Do what?” I swallow hard.
“Assume you know exactly what someone else is thinking?”
“That’s not what I’m doing,” I object.
“Isn’t it?” he questions. “Did you ever consider that maybe I like you, Elara? That maybe I enjoy being around you? That maybe that one night with you was the only time I’ve felt alive since Kam died?”
“But you left,” I say, having trouble finding my words.
“And I told you why. I just needed some time.”
“Well I’m sorry but now I need time,” I say, my hands knotting together the way they always do when I’m anxious. “Because you’re not the only one that felt a certain way that night. In a weird way being near you was like having a piece of Kamden back and that’s not fair to you or to him.”
“I’m not my brother.”
“I know,” I interrupt.
“Let me finish.” He takes a step toward me. “I’m not my brother,” he repeats. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”
“Why do you want to be my friend so badly?” I hate how the question sounds.
“Because you are the only person on this earth that understands what I’ve lost and maybe because I like how I feel when I’m around you.”
“How do you feel?” I ask, nervous energy exploding in my stomach.
“Like I can breathe.”
His admission leaves me feeling slightly weak in the knees and I immediately move to refocus.
“Kane.”
“I know it’s unfair of me to ask you but I’m going to anyway.”
“I’m leaving,” I interrupt before he can finish.
“Stay, Elara.” He doesn’t let me deter him.
“What?” I question.
“Stay,” he repeats.
“I can’t stay. I’ve already left. All of my things are in my car and my dad is expecting me first thing tomorrow.”
“So call him. Tell him you’ve changed your mind.”
“Why? So you can leave again in a couple of days? Why would I stay here for someone who isn’t staying here themselves?”
“Then just stay today,” he suggests, taking another step toward me, closing the gap between us. “You can leave tomorrow.”
“I can’t. I have to do this and I have to do it now. Otherwise I might never leave.”
“Why do you want to leave so badly?”
“Because I feel like I’m suffocating here. Everywhere I look, everything I do, I see him everywhere. He’s everywhere.” I sigh, not able to hold my guard up any longer.
Like Kam, Kane seems to have a way of knowing how to push me just right to get me to open up. It’s both unnerving and a little refreshing. It feels good sometimes to just say what I’m feeling. It’s something I don’t do often enough.
“Now you know why I left,” he says after a long moment.
“Then don’t ask me to stay.”
“Come with me then.”
“Come with you where?”
“Italy,” he states like it’s no big thing to invite someone to Italy. “Come with me,” he repeats.
“To Italy?” I blurt, confusion clear in my voice.
“Why not? You said if given the chance it would be the one place you would choose to visit. Well here you go. I’ve got a contract that starts in Milan next week. It’s a short three hour trip to Manarola, exactly the place you want to go.”
I don’t comment on how surprised I am that he remembered exactly where I wanted to visit and instead focus on the absurdity of his proposal.
“Do you hear yourself right now? You barely know me yet you want me to pick up and go to Italy with you?”
I’m convinced he’s messing with me and yet the look on his face says he’s completely serious.
“Best way to get to know a person.” He shrugs like what he’s asking isn’t totally insane. “Besides, I’ll be working a lot of the time so you’ll be free to do whatever it is you want to do. Tell me this doesn’t sound exactly like what you need.”
“You must be out of your mind if you think I’d consider going to Italy with you.”
“What are you afraid of, Elara?”
“I’m not afraid of anything.”
“Doesn’t seem that way to me. I’m offering you a chance to escape; the very thing you claim you want to do. Yet you’re looking at me like I’ve suggested we run off and elope.” He chuckles, clearly finding humor in my reaction.
“Okay, I’m done having this conversation.” I shake my head, a trace of a smile on my lips.
“It’s so easy to see why he loved you so much.” His words catch me way off guard and it takes me several seconds to recover enough to actually say something.
“I should go,” I blurt, heat flooding my cheeks.
“So you keep saying.” He steps forward and reaches out his hand. “Give me your phone.”
“Why?”
“Just give me your phone, Elara.” He waits patiently as I reach into my back pocket and retrieve my phone, dropping it into his outstretched palm moments later.
“What are you doing?” I ask, watching him type something across the touch screen but not able to see what exactly he’s typing.
“Programming my number into your phone,” he says like it should be obvious. “That way if you change your mind, you can reach me.” His phone sounds just seconds later. “And now I have your number as well.” He grins, handing me my phone back.
“I’m not going to change my mind,” I insist.
“Even if you don’t…” he starts.
“I won’t,” I immediately interject.
“Even if you don’t,” he continues, “at least this way I have the means to call you.”
“And you expect me to believe you’re actually going to?” I give him an apprehensive look before shoving the device back into my pocket.
“Guess you’ll have to wait and find out.” He smiles innocently and I swear my heart picks up speed a little.
Get it together, Elara. I scold myself. It’s hard not to get caught up in a man like Kane. I remember the first time I met him, how attractive I thought he was. Though his good looks were easier to ignore back then because I thought he was a conceited asshole. Now, well, now I know there’s a lot more to Kane than I originally thought and when he looks at me the way he’s looking at me right now it’s nearly impossible to ignore the way my entire body reacts to him.
Trying to shake off the thought, I refocus.
“Guess so,” I say, hesitating longer than I should. For some reason I’m suddenly not wanting to leave.
“Have a safe trip.” He steps closer, pulling me against his hard chest before I have a second to react, his arms closing around me.
I find myself relaxing into his embrace almost immediately. A weird sense of belonging the most prominent thing I feel. Being in Kane’s arms feels oddly familiar and yet entirely new at the same time.
I take a deep inhale, half expecting to smell the familiar scent of the ocean on his skin as I always did on Kam’s. But instead my senses are overwhelmed by something completely different. Faint cologne mixed with what I can only assume is his laundry detergent. He smells incredible and yet I’m disappointed at the same time. Even still, I find myself holding onto his scent longer than I should.
I wish I could understand why Kane makes me feel so off balance but truth be told I have yet to really sort through why this man makes me feel the way he does. I don’t think I’ve spent enough time with him to fully understand it.
At first I thought it was his connection to Kam. The similarities between the two of them and how much he reminds me of his younger brother. Now, I’m realizing that Kane has a hold of me all on his own that is completely separate from Kamden.
I figured it out the day I found out he left with how disappointed I felt. I blamed it on my grief over Kam but deep down even then I knew there was more to it. Not that I really understand what that more is, only that there definitely is more with Kane.
Finally managing to pull out of his embrace, I peer up at his face for a long moment, resisting the urge to reach up and touch him the way I always did with his brother.
“I’ll see you around, Kane.” I offer a small smile as I step back.
“Yeah, you will.” He nods, his dark eyes not leaving mine.
“See ya.” I spin around, not sure what else to say or do.
“Bye, Elara,” Kane says before he turns and heads back through the cemetery toward Kam’s grave.
I stand next to the car and watch him for a long moment wishing things were different. Wishing Kam was still here. Wishing leaving his brother wasn’t proving to be so difficult that I have to physically force myself into the driver’s seat, and even then it takes me a good five minutes to finally convince myself to pull away.
Leaving Kam is hard enough on its own. Leaving both Kamden and Kane, well that’s proving to be harder than I ever imagined it would be.
Turns out Kam wasn’t the only Thaler brother that knew how to get under my skin. I’m just not quite sure how I feel about that yet.