Have you ever had something so incredible happen in your life that you can’t help but wonder if it’s actually real? Sometimes when I step back and look at Kane I can’t help but feel like I’m going to blink and suddenly be back at the funeral, staring at him over Kamden’s grave.
It’s like you see in the movies. One moment bleeds into another but then at the very end the main character wakes up and realizes their mind created this whole reality in a matter of moments. A reality that seemed endless, like it stretched on forever, when only a couple minutes had actually passed.
“Elara,” Kane says, tightening his hand around mine. “You okay?” he asks.
Looking up at him, I reply, “Yeah. Fine.” I smile, resisting the urge to stop and kiss him given the amount of people around us.
Kane surprised me for our last day in Italy by sweeping me off to Rome via the high speed train system they have here in Italy. The entire day has been like a fairy tale and I mean that in every sense of the word. The only thing we’re missing is maybe a glass slipper and some talking mice.
We’ve seen ancient runes, the Colosseum, thrown coins in the Trevi Fountain, eaten some of the most incredible street food, and Kane somehow managed to arrange a private tour of Cinecitta Studios where some amazing classic movies were made, which of course was right up my alley.
Now, as we walk hand in hand through the heart of Rome, all I can think is that nothing will ever feel this good again. There’s no topping this for me. Every single moment I’ve spent in this country has been beyond what I could have ever dreamed. Hell, I’m ready to pack up and make the move permanently. Then again I think Italy would lose a lot of its appeal if Kane wasn’t here. Because no matter how much I have loved being here, it’s my time with him that means the most.
“You sure?” Kane looks down at me, my answer clearly not very convincing.
“Yeah.”
“You seem a million miles away.”
“Just thinking.” I gently knock my shoulder against him, plastering on a smile.
“You don’t wanna leave.” He doesn’t ask, he already knows I don’t.
“I really don’t,” I admit, letting out a slow breath. “I mean, look at this place. It’s like existing in a completely different world. There’s so much history and culture. The people are amazing. I love every single thing about being here.”
“It is beautiful,” he agrees. “But beautiful places exist everywhere, you just have to stop and actually look around.”
“Look at you getting all philosophical on me,” I tease.
“It’s not about the place for me,” he says, grinning down at me before turning his gaze forward. “It’s about the moments and the people I get to experience them with.”
“People.” I arch a brow.
“Well in this case, person,” he corrects, shaking his head. “And you say I’m the smart ass.”
“You are a smart ass.”
“Well, you are too. Guess we’re both smart asses.”
“Guess so,” I concede.
“I’m sure you’re anxious to see your dad.” He goes back to the subject at hand, trying to put a positive spin on things, clearly sensing the decline in my mood.
“Yeah, I miss him but I’m used to going long periods of time without seeing him. We’ve lived apart for the last four years. Now stop trying to find reasons for me to be happy about leaving tomorrow.”
“So bossy.” He chuckles.
Silence stretches between us for several long moments and I bite down the urge to ask him what comes next. Will we return to our normal lives? Me to Arkansas and him to Illinois? Will we promise to visit each other as often as we can but then go weeks without actually seeing each other because he’s off on a contract somewhere? And what if he expects me to go with him or worse, what if he doesn’t want me to? Truthfully, I’m scared of what his answer will be to any of these questions.
“Kane,” I say even though I’ve made the decision not to broach the topic yet.
“Yeah.” He looks down at me, his hand squeezing mine.
“Never mind.” I chicken out.
“Tell me what you were going to say.” He slows, pulling me to the far side of the walkway so that we aren’t blocking anyone from going around us.
“It’s nothing.” I stare at his chest, feeling an overwhelming sadness settle down on me.
What the hell is wrong with me? Is it normal to feel so emotional and unsure when Kane has done nothing but prove to me over and over again that this is what he wants. That I am what he wants? Why do I suddenly find myself second guessing everything?
“Clearly it’s something.” He places his hand under my chin and lifts my face upward. “There she is.” He smiles when my eyes meet his. “Elara, you can tell me anything. You can say anything. You can ask me anything. Nothing is off limits here.”
“I was just…” I trail off, trying to figure out the right way to say it. “I was just wondering what happens when we get home.”
“What do you mean?” He tucks a chunk of hair behind my ear, leaning his shoulder against the brick building next to us.
“I mean, when we get home. What happens?” I pause, watching his brow furrow. “You live in Chicago. I live, hell I don’t know where I live. I guess technically Arkansas though North Carolina still feels more like home,” I ramble for a moment before refocusing. “You travel a lot for work and are gone weeks, sometimes months at a time. I guess I’m just worried…”
“You’re worried that when we get back to the states things will be different,” he finishes my sentence for me.
“Aren’t you?”
“No,” he answers honestly. “I know how I feel, Elara. I know what I want. The location doesn’t change that for me.”
“But it does change it. Whether you see it that way or not.”
“How so?”
“Were you not listening to me two minutes ago? We live hours from each other. You travel all the time. That changes a lot of things. The most important being when we will get to see each other.”
“That’s easy. Come to Chicago.” He smiles when my eyes go wide.
“What?”
“I mean it, El. We’ve been here together for two months, therefore we’ve already been living together whether the location was permanent or not. I don’t have all the answers for everything but I do know I want you with me no matter what.”
“I can’t move to Chicago.” I gape at him.
“Why not?”
“Well for one, I have no desire to live in Chicago.”
“Not even if I’m there?” He gives me a playful smirk which lightens the mood significantly.
“Stop it,” I warn, fighting a smile.
“Stop what?”
“Stop looking at me like that.”
“Like what?” He fakes innocence.
“Like, you know, like you’re looking at me.” I huff.
“I think you’re losing it a little bit, babe.” He chuckles, reaching out to cup my face. “I don’t have all the answers but we will find a way to make this work. If you won’t move to Chicago then I’ll move to Arkansas.”
“You don’t want to live in Arkansas,” I challenge.
“You’re right, I don’t.” I can’t help but laugh at his response. “But I would live there if it meant I got to be with you every day.”
“Now you make me sound like I don’t care as much as you do,” I whine playfully.
“How so?”
“Because you don’t want to live in Arkansas but you’re willing to do so to be with me when I basically flat out refused to live in Chicago. Now I feel like an asshole.”
Kane drops his hands from my face as his head falls back slightly. His laughter rumbles around us, filling my ears with a sound I could listen to on repeat for the rest of my life.
“You’re not an asshole,” he gets out on a wide smile. “There’s nothing for you in Chicago. I understand that.”
“There’s nothing for you in Arkansas.”
“Yes there is,” he disagrees.
“What?” I cross my arms
“You.” He grins.
“There you go again.”
“Babe, I’m just saying, Chicago has nothing for me either. At least in Arkansas you’d have your dad and I’d have you.”
“And what if I wanted to move back to North Carolina.”
“Then North Carolina is where we’ll go,” he states like there’s no question.
“And your job?”
“Babe.” He places his hands on both my shoulders. “We will figure it out,” he says softly, dipping his face down so his is just inches from mine. “I’ll move heaven and fucking earth to be with you, Elara. I don’t care what stands in our way. I will not lose you. Do you hear me?” He gives my shoulders a slight shake.
“I hear you.” I’m finally able to push past the well of emotion that has lodged itself in my throat.
“Good.” He kisses the tip of my nose. “Now stop worrying. This is our last night together in Italy and I don’t want to spend it arguing over the future.”
“We weren’t arguing,” I provide, a smile playing on my lips.
“Fair enough. Discussing,” he corrects himself, turning to tuck me into his side before veering back out onto the sidewalk.
I wish I could say his reassurances make the doubt swimming in my stomach disappear but it doesn’t. I continue to stew and worry the rest of the evening while trying my best to also enjoy my time in Rome with Kane.
By the time we board the train back to Milan, I’m both physically and mentally exhausted. It’s actually been the perfect day, despite the fact that I’ve spent most of it on edge and uneasy not knowing what tomorrow holds.
I’m not ready to leave this behind–any of it. I’m just not ready. Then again, I don’t know that I’ll ever be ready. I guess it’s one of those moments where you just have to jump even though you’re terrified what you might hit when you reach the bottom.
Kane tucks me into his side the moment we’re settled into our seats. I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes, letting my mind digest everything that today entailed. The incredible things we did. The way Kane’s smile stretched across his face taking in my reaction to each and everything he showed me. The way he held me and kissed me. The way he told me he would move heaven and earth to be with me.
Call me a skeptic but it all just seems way too damn good to be true. I’ve learned the hard way that if something seems too perfect, it probably is. Kam was perfect. We were perfect…well, in our own little way. And then I lost him.
My family was perfect. My childhood was perfect. And then that perfect childhood was tainted by watching my mom wither away and die of breast cancer at forty-five years old.
Nothing perfect lasts forever. Hell, nothing lasts forever. But isn’t Kane worth the risk? What’s the famous saying? It’s better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. I think that statement is easier said when you haven’t experienced loss the way I have.
Kane has. Kane lost his brother, his only sibling, his best friend, and yet he’s unafraid to jump back into life head first. He calls me fearless but I think that title belongs to him. I’m not fearless at all, not really. Deep down I think I’m just as scared as the next person, I’m just better at hiding it.
I don’t know at what point I fall asleep, but I wake with Kane’s lips against my temple and him saying, “Wake up, sleepy head. We’re here.”
My eyes flutter open and instantly lock on his gaze.
“Hey.” He smiles, brushing my hair away from my face.
“Hey.” I blink slowly before adding, “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“You were tired.”
“I guess so.” I straighten my posture and look around. “We’re back in Milan?” I question, looking out the window to my right.
“Yeah, I didn’t want to wake you but they’re getting ready to open the doors.”
“Wow. I slept that long.”
“Almost three hours,” he confirms.
“I’m sorry.” I rub my eyes with the back of my hands.
“Why are you sorry?” He chuckles like the notion is absurd.
“You must have been bored to death.”
“Quite the opposite actually. I had the best view in the house.” He takes my hand, entwining our fingers together. “You,” he adds before lifting our adjoined hands and kissing the back of mine.
My heart instantly does that little flip flop it always does whenever Kane says or does something that makes me feel like the world has been rocked under my feet.
“Plus you were drooling which was incredibly adorable,” he tacks on, his eyes dancing with humor when I immediately move to wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.
“Shut up. I was not,” I say, mortified at the thought of him watching me drool.
“Relax, babe.” He chuckles, leaning forward to lay a kiss to the side of my forehead. “Totally kidding.”
“Asshole,” I mutter, shoving playfully at him.
“You should have seen the look on your face though.” He pulls back, humor etched into every line of his face.
“Well I’m glad you found it amusing,” I snip, crinkling my nose at him.
“Babe.” He tightens his grip on my hand when I move to pull it away. “Don’t be mad.” He grins wider.
“I’m not mad.” I turn to face him head on. “But that still doesn’t mean you’re not an asshole.” I watch his lip twitch as he fights to contain his laughter.
“I think we established that a while back. Remember your trusty lists.”
“Speaking of my lists, I think I’ve come up with a couple more things to add to it.” I arch a brow at him, letting him know they are not good things either.
“Don’t be like that, babe.” He chuckles softly before taking his free hand and wrapping it around the back of my neck, pulling my face to his. “You know you love me,” he whispers against my mouth before pressing his lips to mine.
And just like that, all is forgiven. And he’s right, I do love him.
****
“Do you think we could come back and visit again?” I ask Kane, my head on his chest, his arm wrapped around my shoulders.
It’s the middle of the night, but neither of us really seems ready to go to sleep and close the door on this incredible day. As if Rome and everything that accompanied it wasn’t enough, Kane made it even better when he shoved my back against the door not seconds after we had stepped inside and dropped to his knees in front of me.
My stomach tingles thinking about the way his mouth devoured every inch of me. From my head, all the way to my toes, there isn’t a place his lips didn’t explore. Needless to say, we’ve made the most of our last night in this tiny apartment.
“Of course.” Kane kisses the top of my head.
“I mean here, at this apartment. I love this place so much.”
“I knew it would grow on you.” I can hear the smile in his voice. “You didn’t seem too fond of it on that first day.”
“I wasn’t fond of the fact that there was only one bedroom,” I correct him.
“And now?”
“I think you know where I stand now.” I slide my hand down his bare torso, loving the way my fingers rise and fall over the ripple of muscle.
“Keep doing that and you’re going to know where I stand,” he warns when my hand slips beneath the sheet.
“This?” I ask innocently, trailing my fingers feather light across his hard length.
“Babe,” his voice low and thick.
“Don’t worry, it’s my turn now.” I push the sheet away and shift my body above him.
My lips start at his mouth before trailing down his jaw, along the base of his throat, kissing each nipple on my decent to his stomach. It takes me a while to reach my destination, the journey slow and torturous, but once I do all bets are off.