“Elara,” I hear my father’s voice. It sounds so far away and yet so close at the same time. “Elara,” I hear again.
My eyelids feel like they are being held down by weights but somehow I manage to peel them open, one after the other until I am looking into my father’s deep brown eyes.
“Dad,” I croak, my voice thick with sleep.
“Hi, baby.” He smiles, letting out a slow exhale.
“What are you doing here?”
“Kane called me after they took you back to surgery. Hopped on the first flight I could get to Chicago.”
“What time is it?” I lift my head, looking for the pitcher of water the nurse left on my bedside table earlier.
“Three in the afternoon,” my dad says, reaching for the pitcher, sensing what I’m looking for without me having to say a word. He pours me a cup and then extends it to me.
I take a tentative drink, my throat still sore from the tubes they ran down it during surgery the day before. Once finished, I hand the cup back to him.
“How are you feeling?” he asks, setting the cup on the table before taking my hand in both of his much larger ones, careful not to disturb the I.V. still attached to it.
“I’m okay,” I force out, knowing he’ll see right through it.
“How are you really, Elara?” He narrows his gaze at me, the wrinkles around his eyes highlighted by the action.
“Honestly, Dad, I’m not sure.” I let out a bitter laugh as I try to sit up, but instantly fall back onto the pillow when an angry pain rips up my middle.
“Your body has been through a lot. It’s important you give yourself time to heal,” he coaxes, fixing the blanket around me.
“It’s not my body that’s the problem.” I turn my gaze away, not able to look at him.
“Your mother and I lost a baby.” I turn my gaze back toward him, eyes wide with surprise. “Two actually,” he adds, staring at where his hand is holding mine again.
“I didn’t know.”
“We didn’t want you to know.” My big, strong father looks up at me with tears swimming in his eyes and it takes everything in me not to fall apart all over again.
“Your mother thought it best,” he continues after a long pause. “She was right of course. There’s nothing for a child to gain from learning she had siblings that died before they were born. But now…” He squeezes my hand. “Now I feel like you should know. Because no matter how badly you’re hurting right now, Elara, I promise it will get better. It will get easier. But honey, I know from experience that it will never go away.”
“Tell me what happened,” I interject, my voice thick.
“We got pregnant with our first child the year we were married. It was a surprise but a happy one. Everything was going great until one day your mother started bleeding. I rushed her to the hospital right away but it was too late. The baby was gone.”
“Dad.” It’s my turn to squeeze his hand.
“The second baby was harder. Your mother was about twenty-two weeks when she went into labor. They weren’t able to stop the labor but it was far too early for her to survive. We got to hold her after she was gone.”
“She?” I swipe at a tear that streaks down my cheek.
“You had a sister. Malory Everett,” he confirms, a sad smile on his lips.
“Malory,” I say out loud, trying to wrap my head around all this.
“It was probably one of the hardest things we’d ever been through. Me and your mother. She was sick with grief. We both were. But even through that sadness and loss, she wasn’t ready to give up just yet. So after a year, we tried again. And what we ended up with made all the pain and loss worth it. Because we got you. The most precious, beautiful baby girl in the entire world. We didn’t forget about what we had lost, but the sadness was eventually replaced with happiness. You did that for us.”
“Dad.”
“I know it may not feel like it now, but you will get through this. Your body will heal and eventually so will your heart. You just have to give yourself time to get there. I’m not going to lie and say I wasn’t a little disappointed when I heard you had gotten pregnant. In my opinion, it’s far too soon and you two haven’t known each other long enough to be taking on a commitment like that.” He looks toward the door and then back to me before continuing, “But I will say you’ve got one heck of a guy out there, honey. I can tell just by looking at him that he worships the ground you walk on.”
“He’s still here?” I question without really processing anything else that he said.
“Kane?” My dad’s forehead scrunches in confusion.
“He’s here?” I question weakly.
“Of course he is.” He shakes his head. “Why wouldn’t he be?”
“I told him the truth about Kam.”
“What do you mean you told him the truth about Kam?” My father seems to be growing more confused by the moment.
“I was the one driving the four-wheeler when we wrecked. Not Kam,” I admit for the second time in two days.
“Elara.” My dad says my name slowly like he’s trying to process what I’m telling him. “Is that why you kept saying it was your fault? Because you were the one driving?”
I nod slowly.
“Oh honey, whether you were driving or not, it doesn’t change that what happened was a horrible accident. You’ve got to stop blaming yourself for that.”
“You don’t understand,” I start to object.
“No, you don’t understand,” my dad cutting me off, his voice going up the way it always used to when I was a teenager and he had to get onto me about something stupid I did. “Kam died. No amount of guilt is going to bring him back. Kane loves you, Elara. You should see him out there. He’s an absolute wreck. It’s time to let go of the dead and focus on the living.”
“Like you have?” I bite, taking my frustration out on him. “You preach to me about letting Kam go, about moving on with my life, but you haven’t let her go. You haven’t moved on. You act like mom’s still alive and at any minute she’s going to come strolling in the front door like she’s been gone on a four year shopping trip.”
“Sam.” At that moment I notice the petite woman standing in the doorway. Her eyes flash to me and instant recognition washes over me.
“Lynette?” I question, looking at the woman who’s lived next door to my father nearly my entire life. “What, what are you doing here?” I stare at her for a long moment before looking at my dad, meeting his hesitant gaze.
“I, um,” she stutters, clearly caught off guard.
“She’s here with me,” my dad finally speaks up.
“Why would you bring your neighbor with you?” Even as I ask the question I already know the answer to it.
“I just came by to see if you wanted something from the cafeteria,” she quickly explains. “But I’m gonna give you two sometime.” Lynette quickly backs out of the room as silently as she entered.
“Dad?” I stare at him for a long moment, eyes wide, waiting for him to say something.
“I didn’t want you to find out this way.” He pinches the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger. “I was in such a panic when Kane called me that when Lynette offered to come with me I didn’t hesitate to take her up on it. Because truthfully, I didn’t want to face this alone.”
“Dad.” My voice softens.
“I’m not waiting for your mom to come back, Elara. I know she’s not. And while no woman will ever replace her, I’ve found someone that makes me happy. Someone who makes me smile again.”
“And that someone is Lynette,” I say quietly, more to myself than to him.
“Yes,” he continues. “I didn’t plan for it, nor did I go looking. But slowly over time our friendship turned into something more.”
“How long have you been seeing each other?”
“About six months.”
“Six months?” My eyes go wide again. “You’ve been keeping this a secret from me for six months?”
“I planned to tell you when you came to visit but then the accident happened and you were in so much pain. I couldn’t bear to lay anymore on you. You had just started to come back from losing your mom and then Kam.” He shakes his head slowly. “It didn’t feel like the right time.”
“And now does?” I question.
“Well, in retrospect, no. But I needed her here with me and if that meant telling you while you’re lying in a hospital bed then so be it. Because at the end of the day being with her makes me feel stronger than I feel without her.”
“I guess I get that,” I say, my mind drifting back to Kane. “For the record, I’m happy for you. I would’ve been happy for you six months ago too. I just want you to be happy, Dad. Always.”
“I know, baby. I know you do. Maybe after you’re feeling better and all this passes, we could get together for dinner; me, you, and Lynette.”
“I’d like that.” I smile, feeling so many different emotions I’m not sure I have a real grasp on any of them.
“And as far as Kane’s concerned, you need to give that man a little more credit. It’s clear to see he’s in love with you. I don’t think you’re going to be able to get rid of him so easy.”
“I don’t know.” I blow out a slow breath. “You didn’t see the way he looked at me when I told him about the day Kam died.” I instantly tear up at the thought.
“I’m sure listening to you tell him what really happened that day was not easy on him. Put yourself in his shoes, honey. He lost his brother. He lost his unborn child. And then sat here and listened to the woman he loves tell him about his brother’s final moments. He’s not upset with you, honey. He’s hurting for you. He’s hurting with you.”
“He talked to you, didn’t he?” I ask, shame and regret hitting me so hard it’s a wonder I manage to hold my head up high and meet my father’s gaze.
“A little.” He nods. “That man out there loves you. Don’t push him away because you’re scared of losing him. Hold him closer because you don’t want to lose him. Things happen. People get sick. People get hurt. People die. Nothing is guaranteed. All you can do is love with your whole heart while god gives you the ability to do so.”
“What if I’m not worthy of his love?” I blink back fresh tears that pool in my eyes.
“You are worth that and so much more. Don’t ever question that.”
“You have to say that because you’re my father,” I point out, swiping at my cheeks.
“No, I have to tell you the truth because I’m your father. And that, my dear, is about as honest as it comes.”
“Thanks, Dad.” I force a smile.
“I love you, Elara Rose. You are the one thing in this world that I will always be proud of. No matter what.”
“I love you too,” I say as he presses his lips against my forehead.
“The doctor said you should be released in a couple of days.” He straightens his broad frame so he’s looking down at me. “I think you should go back to Carol’s.”
“Dad,” I start to object.
“Arkansas isn’t your home. Not anymore. I know you only came back because you were running away from the memory of Kamden, and because I missed you terribly I selfishly let you do it. But honey, North Carolina is where you belong. You know that as well as I do.”
“But all my stuff.”
“Will be waiting there for you when you get there,” he cuts me off. “I’ve already spoken to Carol. She’s taking care of getting all your stuff to her house for when you’re released.”
“Dad,” I start but he once again cuts me off.
“Whatever wall you’re trying to build between you and Kane, knock it down. Don’t shut him out. I know this happened to you, but honey, it happened to him too. Let him mourn the loss of his child with you. Let him mourn his brother with you. Because whatever pain you’re feeling, I can tell you from experience, he’s probably feeling it just as strong. Don’t let your anger and guilt get in the way of a chance to be happy. You deserve to be happy, my sweet girl. Your mother would want that for you. Kam would want that for you. And before you even think about arguing with me, just think about that for a moment and you’ll know I’m right.”
“Learned a few of mom’s tricks along the way I see.” I smile, this time the action coming naturally as I think about my mom and all the things she would say if she were here.
“She may have taught me a thing or two.” My dad’s smile matches my own but fades almost as quickly as it appeared.
“I miss her,” I say.
“Me too.” His brown eyes lock on mine and the emotion there damn near rips me in two. “But she’s still here. I see her every single time I look at you.” He lifts my hand and kisses my knuckles. “Get some rest,” he says, likely noticing the way my eyes keep fluttering closed and how hard I have to work to force them back open.
I don’t know if it’s the medication or that my body is simply exhausted but I haven’t been able to stay awake for more than a few minutes at a time since I came out of surgery nearly twenty-four hours ago.
“Dad,” I call out right as he reaches the door. I wait until he’s turned toward me before continuing. “I’m so lucky to have you as my dad.”
“I’m even luckier to have you as my daughter.” He smiles and slips out the door without another word.