Five years ago– 17 years old
“You’ve got to get up quicker.” Kam laughs, shaking his head at yet another failed attempt for me to stand on my surf board.
“Easier said than done,” I huff, laying down to paddle further out into the water.
“You’re overthinking it. You’ve got to trust your instinct. Let the water tell you when it’s time.” Kam paddles next to me, matching me stride for stride.
“Do you hear yourself right now? You’re talking about water like it has the ability to communicate.” I stop, pushing up to straddle the board. Kam follows my lead, mirroring my actions so that we are both floating side by side.
“You don’t think it does?” He cocks his head and hits me with that boyish grin of his.
“Do you really want me to answer that?” I laugh.
“For someone who pretends to be so fearless, I’m noticing you have some control issues.”
“Screw you, I am fearless,” I say in mock offense.
“Then prove it. Give up control. Let something else guide you for once in your life.”
“Why would I want to do that?”
“Because I think you’ll find it’s quite freeing.” He shakes his head, a thick chunk of wet dark hair falling into his face as he does.
My heart does a little pitter patter in my chest as I watch him push it out of his face –enjoying the way his muscles flex as he moves his arm, allowing myself to steal a small glance at his toned chest and stomach.
Kam Thaler really is something to look at. The perfect combination of sexy and boyish charm. There isn’t one thing about him that I don’t find myself completely infatuated with. He’s the total package, both inside and out.
When my eyes make their way back up to Kam’s face, he’s looking at me with the same cocky smirk he always does when he catches me ogling him. He knows he’s gorgeous and he loves nothing more than giving me shit when I’m forced to acknowledge this fact as well.
“Don’t look at me like that,” I snip. A full blown smile stretches across his face at my words.
“Look at you like what?” he asks innocently.
“Like that.” I point in the general vicinity of his face.
“I’m not looking at you like anything.”
“Oh my god you are so infuriating.” I groan dramatically, looking back just in time to see a nice set of waves coming in behind us.
“This is it.” Kam switches gears the moment he sees my attention has been pulled. “You got this, butter bean. Wait until I give you the signal, then paddle as hard and as fast as you can. Got it?”
“Got it.”
I lean forward on my board, waiting for Kam’s instructions.
“Now, when you drop into the wave keep your body loose. Let the water guide you,” he continues.
“Loose. Got it,” I repeat. Nervous energy pings through me like an electric current.
“Paddle, El. Paddle.” The words barely leave Kamden’s lips before I’m off, paddling as hard and fast as I can, just as he had instructed.
I try to focus on the feel of the water beneath me, remembering everything Kam told me about trusting my instincts. When I feel the wave surge behind me I quickly pop up, able to hold my balance for the first time as I drop into the wave.
Kam hollers somewhere off in the distance but it’s drowned out by the roaring of the water and my pulse thumping loudly in my ears.
This is it. The rush. The adrenaline. This is what I live for. Only it’s so much more than that because as Kam said, I have no control and I am the master of controlling every situation. Yes, I do crazy things and am a bit of a daredevil but in everything I do I have complete control. Out here, I’m at the mercy of the ocean, of the waves, of the water falling around me as it closes in on me.
Just like that, the wave swallows me whole. Within seconds I’m under water, my body twirling and spinning with the current. I feel the strap around my ankle tug as my board is pulled behind me but I have no real sense of direction to push myself to the surface.
After what feels like too long, the pull subsides and I’m able to regain enough composure to kick my way to the top, breaking the surface just moments later, sputtering and gasping for air.
“Elara,” Kam says as he paddles up next to me. “You okay?” he asks, concern apparent on his face.
“Okay?” I cough, hoisting myself up on my board despite how exhausted I suddenly feel. “I’m perfect.” I smile, not missing the surprise that flashes in his eyes.
“Okay,” he says slowly.
“That was incredible. Did you see me?”
“I did. You did amazing. But are you okay? You were under for a while.”
“I’m more than okay.”
“Did you hit your head down there or something?” He looks at me like maybe I’ve lost my mind a bit. Hell, maybe I have.
“You were right. I just let go and let the water have me. It was incredible.”
“You really are something else. You know that?” He chuckles, finally relaxing a bit.
“Can we do it again?” I ask excitedly, ready to give it another go.
I don’t even care that I got pulled under. In fact I think that’s what made the whole experience that much more of a rush. Now I just want to prove that I can do even better the next time.
“If you’re sure.”
“Absolutely,” I say, lying down on my board. “Race ya.” I laugh, taking off before Kam even has a chance to settle onto his board.
“Oh hell no.” He laughs behind me.
****
“Do you ever think about the future?” Kam’s gaze is locked on the water as the waves roll in.
After spending the afternoon and most of the evening in the water, Kam and I walked over to Piers, a small little outdoor food stand that sits right on the beach, and got hot dogs and sodas before making our way to our favorite spot in the sand. We’ve been sitting here for nearly an hour, enjoying the quickly approaching sunset.
“I mean really think about it,” he adds before I have a chance to say anything.
“Sometimes,” I answer his question after a long beat. “Why do you ask?”
“I thought I’d be more excited, you know?” He shifts next to me, wiping a chunk of sand from his leg. “I mean, it’s our last year of high school. I’ve been looking forward to this since elementary school. But now that it’s here, I don’t know. I guess I feel differently than I thought I would.”
“It’s scary.” I admit, leaning my shoulder against his. “We’re going to be closing a chapter that’s practically been our whole lives up to this point.”
“It’s not just that though. I think I’m afraid that once it’s real I’m going to end up disappointing everyone.”
“What do you mean?” I stare at the side of his face, my eyes tracing the lines of his profile, my fingers resist the urge to reach out and touch him.
“I don’t know. I guess I think there’s no way I can live up to Kane.” He lets out a slow breath, his gaze finally meeting mine.
“Why would you ever need to live up to him?”
“Because he’s the shining star. The apple of my father’s eye.” He kicks at the sand beneath his feet. “I’ll never be able to match what he’s done and I’m afraid that’s what my father expects.”
“You’re not him. From what you’ve told me, you and your brother are nothing alike. Do you really think your parents expect you to follow in his footsteps?” I swivel in the sand so that I’m facing his side.
“Maybe.” He shrugs.
Reaching out to take his hand, I cup it between both of mine and wait until he’s looking at me before continuing. “You may not be a scholar, Kamden Joseph Thaler. You may not travel abroad or earn a full scholarship to some fancy school. But you don’t need to either. You are uniquely you; perfect in every sense of the word. And no matter what you choose to do, no matter how big or how small, you’re going to rock the hell out of it.”
“I think you’re giving me a little too much credit.”
“No I’m not. Because I know you and I see every day what an incredible person you are. Because unlike your brother, you’re not just determined and intelligent. You’re also passionate and loyal and probably the best person I’ve ever known in my entire life.”
“Probably?” He cocks a brow.
“Okay. Most definitely.” I laugh, leaning my forehead against his shoulder.
“That’s more like it.” He drops a kiss to the top of my head.
“In all seriousness though,” I continue, lifting my face to look up at him. “You’re going to do great things, Kam. No matter what that might be.”
“What about you?”
“What about me?” I question.
“What are your plans after you graduate?”
“The same as they were the last time you asked. I’m still weighing my options.” I smirk, knowing what he’s wanting to know and purposely not saying it.
We’ve talked about the possibility of me moving here after graduation but I have yet to make any promises at this point. It’s something I’ve been considering for the last couple of years, ever since our first summer together. And even though he would be the main reason I would come here, he wouldn’t be the only reason.
I love North Carolina. Over the last couple of years it has come to feel more like home to me than my real home in Arkansas. As of right now, I’ve got my eye on Southern State, the largest community college in the area, and my aunt has already agreed to let me stay with her rent free as long as I’m in school. So everything has already been put into motion for me to move, but I have yet to tell Kam any of this because I didn’t want to get too ahead of myself. We still have an entire year of high school before any of this can be a possibility anyway.
“Weighing options, huh? Care to divulge what those might be?”
“Oh you know, probably go to community college or something comparable to make my dad happy. I’ve been looking at a few places. Guess we’ll have to wait and see.”
“What places?”
“Just a few different ones.” I smile.
“Are you messing with me, El?” He quirks an eyebrow at me.
“Maybe.” I laugh when he lunges for me, pinning me beneath him in the sand.
“You better start talking or I’ll be forced to tickle it out of you,” he warns, smile firmly in place.
“You wouldn’t.”
“Oh I would.” He lowers one hand to my side and gives it a firm squeeze.
“Kam,” I scream, withering beneath him.
“Start talking.” He laughs when I try to shove him off of me, squeezing my side again when I clamp my lips shut and shake my head no.
“Okay. Okay.” I finally concede when he gets me in the spot right against my ribs that I absolutely cannot stand.
“Well…” He hovers above me, waiting for me to say something.
“How would you feel if we were neighbors for real?” I ask. My heart thumps wildly in my chest as his smile stretches so wide it practically takes over his whole face.
“Seriously? You’re going to do it?” he asks excitedly.
“I think so.”
“Oh no. No I think so here, bean. Either you are or you aren’t. Don’t toy with my emotions.”
“Fine, I am. Happy now?”
“You have no idea.” He pushes back, pulling me up with him.
Instead of reclaiming his seat, he rocks back on his knees and pulls me into his arms. I take a deep inhale of his ocean scented skin as I wrap my arms around his neck.
“Happy doesn’t even begin to describe it.” He pulls back, finally releasing me after several long seconds.
I slide off his lap back into the sand, pulling my legs up to my chest. Kam settles in next to me, knocking his shoulder against mine.
“We’re gonna be okay, ya know? Me and you.” I offer him a little additional reassurance from his earlier admission of self-doubt. “We don’t have to have all the answers right now. We’ve got each other and our whole lives ahead of us. There isn’t anything we can’t do if we set our minds to it.”
My words bring a smile to his lips as he reaches over and nudges my chin with his knuckle. “I envy that about you. Your ability to never accept anything less than what you want.”
I want to correct him. Tell him that’s not a hundred percent true, but of course I don’t. Kam means too much to me now to ever risk putting that kind of pressure on our relationship. I can’t lose him which means I can’t have him in the way I really want.
“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” I object.
“You are the bravest person I’ve ever met.”
“I’m not brave. Not really. I’m just really good at pretending.”
“I don’t believe that for a second,” he counters.
“And here I thought you knew me so well,” I tease, knocking my shoulder into his the way he did mine moments ago.
“I do. That’s my point.” He snags a piece of my hair caught by the wind and tucks it behind my ear, his hand lingering on my cheek. “I’d be lost without you, butter bean.” He grins sweetly.
“And don’t you ever forget it.” I crinkle my nose.
Kam chuckles, his hand falling away before turning his attention back out toward the water.
“I love the hell out of you, Elara Menten,” he says, not looking in my direction.
“I love the hell out of you, Kamden Thaler,” I repeat, allowing him to take my hand as together we watch the last slivers of daylight disappear over the horizon.
****
Present Day
It’s been hours. At least I think it’s been hours. I have no real sense of time. No real grasp on anything happening around me. The rain stopped a while ago but left behind a dreary mist that seems to fit the theme of the day.
My aunt has tried to call me several times since I took off earlier, as has my dad, but I couldn’t bring myself to answer. I don’t think I have it in me to talk to anyone right now. Especially not my dad.
I just can’t.
So here I sit, watching the waves roll in, the tide getting closer and closer with each minute that passes. I keep waiting for it to reach me, hoping it will eventually pull me under and I will disappear into the sea forever.
When I look hard enough at the water, it’s like I can see us. Me and Kam. I can see him floating on his surf board next to me. Hear him yelling instructions as I try to push up on my board as a wave rushes toward me. Feel his laughter resonate through me when I wipe out. The deep chested laugh that he only did when he found something truly funny. I can see us out there, happy and carefree.
And then I remember that nothing will ever be that way again and the crushing heaviness settles back on my chest making it nearly impossible to breathe.
I’m so consumed by the ache, by the splitting pain in my chest and the unbearable knot in the pit of my stomach that I don’t even notice a person approaching until they’re taking a seat next to me.
I turn my gaze to the side, half expecting to see my Aunt Carol. Only it’s not her I see. My pulse quickens instantly as I take in the faded lines and colors of Kamden’s old Dodgers baseball cap before meeting the dark eyes that rest beneath it.
Kane doesn’t say a word. Instead he pulls his knees up to his chest and directs his gaze out to the water. I open my mouth to say something at least ten times before finally deciding not to say anything at all.
I have no idea why he’s here. I don’t know if he came looking for me or if he simply stumbled here by accident the same way I did. All I know is that saying to him what I need to say seems like an impossible task and so, I choose to say nothing at all.
Waves roll in one after the other and his focus never breaks. I can’t stop staring at him from the corner of my eye. Completely transfixed by how much he looks like Kamden right now and how much comfort that brings me – even though it shouldn’t.
“This was my brother’s favorite place,” he finally says after several long minutes of silence. His voice is deep and hoarse, giving away the emotion in it.
“I know,” I say, a slight shake to my words. My focus still on the water as it finally reaches my feet, covering my toes before it’s sucked back again.
“Did he ever tell you why?” he asks, his gaze meeting mine for the briefest moment before turning forward again, continuing without waiting for my reply. “He almost drowned here. In that very spot.” He points to somewhere off in the distance. “He was thirteen at the time and had only been surfing a couple of months. He was trying to show off for some girls that were at least three or four years older than him. He got too cocky and tried to tackle a wave he had no business being on. Ended up wiping out and got stuck in the current. He was under for a good minute or two before he finally resurfaced.”
“And that’s why this was his favorite place?” I question.
“Said it was the one place that reminded him of how quickly everything can be taken away. That even though we think we’re in control, we never truly are.”
His words hit like a hammer to my heart. It’s something Kam said to me on more than one occasion – knowing how badly I crave control. Hearing it repeated by Kane only intensifies the ache in my chest.
“It was two solid years before he got on a board again after that,” he continues when I make no attempt to comment.
“He never told me that story,” I say, managing to push past the lump in my throat.
“Not surprising. He hated telling that story.” He shakes his head, kicking at the sand below his feet.
“What made him get back on it?” I ask, wanting to keep him talking.
If I close my eyes and listen, I can almost hear Kam’s voice instead of Kane’s. The two are so very similar in that way. Selfishly, that’s all I really want—for him to be his brother. For Kamden to still be here with me.
“You did.” He picks up a handful of sand, watching it slide through his fingers.
“Me?” I question.
“The summer he met you was the summer he started surfing again. He never said it outright but I know it was because of you. You challenged him. You made it impossible for him to be afraid. He really loved you. I hope you know that.”
“I really loved him.” I swipe at the tear that falls down my cheek.
Twenty minutes ago I didn’t think I was capable of crying more tears, yet here I am, welling up again like a still open wound that won’t scab over.
“I can’t believe he’s gone.” He says it like he still hasn’t fully processed the truth neither of us wants to accept.
“Neither can I.” It’s all I can manage to say. There are no words, nothing that will offer him or myself even one ounce of comfort. So instead I sit in silence. I sit next to a man I do not know and selfishly take comfort in knowing that for just this one moment, I’m not alone.
He was his brother after all – someone who knew Kam his entire life, someone who grew up right alongside him. If anyone understands the loss and grief I feel it’s Kane. And even though I’m responsible for that loss, I don’t have it in me to deny myself the smallest sense of comfort by having him next to me.
He’s not Kamden. He will never be Kamden. I know that. But for just a moment I let myself pretend he is. I look out over the horizon and envision that it’s Kam next to me. I pretend that it’s just another dreary summer day like ones we’ve seen so many times before. That nothing has changed.
I live in that moment – embracing it – because I know once it’s over I’ll never get it back. I’ll never get Kamden back. I’ll never get to see his smile or hear his laugh. I’ll never get to feel the warmth of his embrace or smell the salty scent of the ocean that always clung to his skin. I’ll never get to look into those hazel eyes again, the blue and green speckles I used to make a habit of trying to count are lost from me forever.
A second tear trickles down my cheek, followed by another, but I refuse to look at Kane. I refuse to acknowledge that he’s not who I want him to be, who I need him to be. I keep my focus locked on the setting sun, wishing I could disappear over the horizon along with it.