“Can you turn around?” I ask my dad as the airport comes into view, a sudden panic gripping at my chest so tightly I feel like I’m moments away from hyperventilating.
“Turn around?” My father seems confused, glancing to where I’m sitting next to him in the passenger seat of his SUV.
“I can’t do this,” I mutter under my breath. “I can’t do this,” I repeat a little louder. “I can’t fly half way across the world with someone I don’t even know. Why did I think I could do this?”
“Relax, sweetheart. You’re just nervous. It’s completely understandable.”
“This is insane. Why don’t you think this is insane?”
“It’s not insanity, Elara. It’s adventure. It’s living.” He gives me an amused smile, his eyes meeting mine for the briefest moment before finding the road again. “Besides, you’re my daughter. I know you. You’re more like me than I think you realize.”
“Mom always said I got my fearlessness from you. Though right now I don’t feel very fearless.” I blow out a breath.
“Did she ever tell you about the time I jumped off the hotel balcony into the pool?”
“Only like a hundred times.” I smile, my panic receding a bit. “She wanted to make me understand why it was careless and dangerous to do such things but I think it only succeeded in making me want to do them more,” I admit.
“God she used to hate how much of a risk taker I was. Made her a nervous wreck.”
“And now look at you; you’ve gone soft,” I tease.
“I’ve gotten old,” he counters. “My body can’t do the things it used to do. If I tried jumping two stories into a pool now I’d likely break a lot more than just my arm.” My dad turns into the drop off lane at the airport entrance and slows the SUV to a stop.
I knot my hands nervously in my lap.
“You’ve got this, El. You know as well as I do that you will never forgive yourself if you let your nerves keep you from taking this chance. Life is all about chances, Elara. Chances, choices, memories. These are all the things we get. Don’t be afraid to dive in head first.”
“Taking chances is what got me in this mess to begin with,” I remind him. “It’s why Kam isn’t here.”
“That’s not true and you know it. What happened to Kamden was a horrible accident. You can’t live your life carrying the responsibility of that weight.” He reaches across the middle console and squeezes my hand. “The guilt never goes away.” His statement pulls my gaze to his. “That they died and we lived,” he clarifies. “But just because someone dies, Elara, doesn’t mean you stop living. Kamden would want you to live each day to the fullest, just as your mother would want that from me.”
I think on that for a long moment, realizing he’s right. Kamden would want me to go. My mother would want me to go.
“You’re right,” I finally say, forcing a smile to my face. “I should probably head in or I’m going to miss my flight and then none of this will matter anyway.” I let out another breath before pushing open the door, the late August heat hitting me like a wave the second I climb out of the SUV.
My dad crosses around the back of the vehicle, retrieving my suitcase from the hatch before joining me on the curb.
Even though I’m sure I didn’t pack nearly enough for a four week trip, I hated the idea of having to worry about multiple pieces of luggage along the way. I have enough to make do, assuming that washing machines exist in Italy.
After doing some research I learned that Milan is in its peak summer season right now with temperatures right in the nineties, so most of my clothing is light and doesn’t take up a lot of room in my suitcase – so that helped too.
“Call me as soon as you land in Chicago.” My father waits until I’ve nodded before continuing, “And make sure to text me when you’re boarding your plane for Italy and then again as soon as you’ve landed.”
“I will,” I promise, realizing how nervous my dad seems. “I’m going to be fine,” I reassure him, figuring I owe him one after all the reassurance he’s offered me over the last couple of days.
“I know you are.” He smiles, pulling me into a tight hug. “I love you, Elara.”
“I love you too, Dad.” I pull back, looking up to meet his gaze. “You take care of yourself,” I say, wrapping my hand around the handle of my suitcase.
“Always.”
“Bye, Dad.”
“Bye, sweetheart.” He offers me one more encouraging smile before I turn around and disappear inside the airport.
I take another deep breath and let it out slowly as I look around the space, trying to figure out exactly where I’m supposed to go. I’ve only been inside an airport once before and that was when I was maybe ten or eleven and had come with my mom to pick up Aunt Carol who had flown in for Christmas.
My mom wasn’t much of a flier, and while she had done it a few times when she was younger, she had only flown once that I know of after I was born. So to say this is new territory for me would be a very accurate statement.
I walk around aimlessly for a couple of minutes, not really sure where to go or where exactly I’m supposed to be meeting Kane. He said he would text me where to meet him once he landed but I have yet to hear anything from him.
Spotting a small bar to my left, I decide that a drink wouldn’t hurt and quickly cross the aisle to where it sits, accompanied by a handful of round top tables. Sliding into one of the stools at the bar, I order a whiskey from the middle aged bartender, drinking it down the instant he sets it in front of me, just needing something to take the edge off.
“I’ll take one more,” I advise him. My phone buzzes to life on the bar top seconds after he turns to refill the rocks glass in front of me.
My stomach twists when I see Kane’s name flashing across the screen and even though I know I have to answer it, it still takes me a solid five seconds before I finally do.
“Hello.” My voice is hoarse from the burn of the whiskey.
“Hey. I just landed. Are you here?” He seems anxious which oddly puts me more at ease. At least I’m not alone.
“Yeah. I’m at the bar around the corner from the drop off entrance.”
“Perfect. I don’t think I’m very far from there now. I’ll meet you shortly.”
“Okay,” I say, ending the call without saying more.
The bartender has finished refilling my drink by the time I remember why I’m here and I instantly snatch up the glass and pour the amber liquid into my mouth. The burn isn’t as intense as the first round but it still has quite a bit of a bite.
I feel the heat as it hits my stomach but I don’t have much time to think about it before my focus is pulled in an entirely different direction.
“Is this seat taken?” His voice causes my skin to prickle and the little hairs on the back of my neck to stand straight up.
I close my eyes, draw in a breath, before finally turning to meet his gaze. The second I do I’m rendered damn near speechless. Was he always so attractive? is the first thought that crosses my mind as I take in his disheveled brown hair and two day old scruff that lines his jaw.
Holy hell.
“Starting early, are we?” He smiles, gesturing to my empty glass when I have still yet to speak even one word.
“I- uh…” I stutter, before finally snapping out of my fog. “I’m a little nervous about the flight. Thought this might take the edge off.”
“I always have a drink or two before I fly.” He nods to the bartender, pointing to my glass. “She’ll have another and I’ll have whatever she’s having.”
“I really shouldn’t.” I push my glass to the edge of the bar. “I want to be able to walk onto the plane myself.”
“I’m sure one more wouldn’t prevent you from doing that.” He smirks, thanking the bartender who sets a whiskey in front of him before using the bottle to refill my glass.
Kane waits until he’s moved on to another customer before speaking again.
“What should we drink to?” he asks, holding up his glass as he angles his body toward mine.
“Not sure.” I hate how stupid I sound but lord help me this man has me feeling all sorts of jittery and nervous.
“How about to Italy?” he suggests.
“How about to not dying in a horrific plane crash,” I counter.
“Yeah, that’ll work too.” He chuckles, raising his glass.
Without a word I lift my glass and lightly tap it against his.
I watch as he brings the glass to his lips, tipping it back, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallows down the whiskey. I’m completely transfixed by the sight, still gawking at him when he sets the glass back on the bar and eyeballs the drink still in my hand.
“Are you going to drink that?” He grins, eyes going to the glass and then back to my face.
I smile like I’m not completely losing my mind before tipping the glass back, the third shot warming me even more than the first two.
“Better?” he asks, taking the empty glass from my hand and sliding it to the edge of the bar.
“Much actually,” I admit. A slight buzz runs through my veins as I finally feel the effects of the first couple of drinks.
“Good.” He smiles and for the first time I realize just how different his smile is than Kam’s.
Don’t get me wrong, they look very similar, but when I’m not so focused on Kamden, I can see that they don’t look nearly as much alike as I had originally thought they did. And oddly enough that doesn’t disappoint me like I thought it would.
“We should probably get going. Getting through security can be pretty time consuming sometimes,” he suggests, standing.
“Okay.” I nod. Sliding off my stool, I grab the handle of my suitcase, dragging it behind me as I follow Kane out of the bar and through the airport.
I’ve heard horror stories about getting through airport security but surprisingly me and Kane pass through without an issue and reach our terminal in less than thirty minutes.
By the time we board the plane a few minutes later, I’m feeling much more relaxed, thanks in a large part to the whiskey, but also thanks to Kane. For being a little intimidating, he really is pretty easy to talk to once you let your guard down a little.
Kane leads us to our seats, which thankfully are next to each other, and insists that I take the window seat. As much as I appreciate the gesture, I almost think I’d rather sit toward the middle of the plane but, of course, I’m not going to tell him that.
I look out the window nervously as several other passengers file on board. The closer we get to taking off the more anxious I become.
“You okay?” Kane asks, pulling my attention from the window to his face.
“Yeah, fine.” I force a smile.
“You sure?” He gives me a lopsided grin. “Because you kind of look like you’re about to vomit all over the seat in front of you.”
“I’m not going to vomit.” I shake my head, wondering for a brief moment if maybe I am going to be sick.
“Seriously, Elara. You look terrified.” He reaches into my lap and takes my hand, causing my heart to race even faster than it already was.
“I didn’t think being on a plane would be so scary,” I admit.
“Wait. You’ve never flown before?”
“No.” I shake my head back and forth.
“How is that possible?” he questions. “I would think a little daredevil such as yourself would love flying.”
“I am not a daredevil,” I interject. “Yes, I love the rush of doing something exciting… living on the edge if you will. But I am always, always, in control and that’s the big difference here.”
“So you’re a control freak.”
“I wouldn’t say I’m a freak. Just that I like to be in control of my own body. In here, I’m at the mercy of the pilot and the plane. Two things that I have zero control over. I don’t like feeling like I’m powerless.”
“I guess I get that.” He squeezes his fingers around mine, his thumb tracing slow circles across the back of my hand.
What is it about him touching me that makes me feel so…fluttery? That’s not even a word and yet it’s the only thing I can think that describes the way I feel right now.
“I just can’t believe you agreed to this trip having never been on a plane.”
“No time like the present I guess.” I shrug, a small smile pulling up the corner of my mouth.
“Well I’ve flown hundreds of times and I can assure you that you’re perfectly safe,” he says, finally releasing my hand as he sits back in his seat.
“So we will be in Chicago until tomorrow?” I clear my throat and straighten my posture, praying he doesn’t see the glimpse of disappointment that I’m sure flashes across my face at the loss of contact.
“Yes.” He swallows and the action draws my eyes to his throat.
Without even realizing what I’m doing, my gaze slowly descends past the v-neck of his white t-shirt to the cut of his broad chest, the definition of his muscle clearly visible through the light, thin fabric. I have to physically fight the urge to reach out and touch him.
Finally snapping out of my fog, I turn my gaze upward to find him watching me intently. Heat immediately rushes to my cheeks and I quickly look away, knotting my hands back into my lap.
God, I can’t even sit next to him without getting all squeamish. How the hell am I going to last a month in Italy with him?
Before the thought has time to fester, the captain’s voice comes across the intercom announcing that we are about to take off. In an instant, every other thought comes to a screeching halt. The earlier tension and anxiety I felt returns with full force as I grip both of the arm rests.
“Hey.” Kane’s voice is soft, pulling my gaze to his. “Deep breaths.” He coaches me as the plane starts to move – taking a deep breath in and then waiting until I do the same before slowly letting it out.
I follow his lead, pulling in air when he does and then releasing it at the same time.
Just as I feel myself beginning to relax, the plane starts to lift and in that instant my stomach feels like it turns completely upside down. Pushing my head back against the seat, I turn to watch the ground disappear below us from my view out of the window.
I don’t even realize I’ve grabbed Kane’s hand until I’m squeezing it so hard my own begins to throb.
“I’m sorry.” I finally let go as the plane levels out and I no longer feel like I’m seconds away from dying.
“It’s okay.” He offers me a reassuring smile. “You should have seen Kamden the first time he flew.”
At the mention of his brother’s name the nauseous feeling from earlier returns. It’s not that I don’t want to talk about Kam, of course I do, but there’s so much guilt that comes along with every conversation we have about him.
“Oh yeah?” I push past the knot in my throat and force a smile.
“He threw up before we even made it down the runway.” He chuckles, losing himself to the memory.
“He didn’t?” I find myself suppressing my own laughter, somehow not all that surprised by what he’s telling me.
“Oh he did.” He nods. “All over my mom’s shoes.”
“Oh god.”
“It was pretty funny.”
“How old was he?”
“Eight or nine maybe.”
“Poor kid.” I try to imagine Kam at that age but for whatever reason I can’t seem to picture it and the thought bothers me more than I expect it to.
“He got over it. He never really took to flying but he wasn’t scared after that. I think it was the unknown that got to him.”
“I can understand that.”
“Can you?” He studies me for a long moment before finishing his thought. “Because I have a hard time picturing the girl who dove off Viper’s Cliff being anything but intrigued by the unknown.”
“God, did Kam tell you all the stupid stuff I did?”
“Pretty much.” He smiles.
“Well, I’m not that girl anymore.” I shake my head, my eyes going back to look out the window.
“That’s a shame,” he says after a long moment. “I think I would have liked that girl.”
“You wouldn’t have. She caused more problems than she was worth.”
“My brother didn’t seem to think so.”
“Yeah, and look where he is now,” I snip. In an instant the realization of what I said hit me like a ton of bricks. “I’m so sorry.” I turn to meet Kane’s dark gaze. “I don’t know why I said that.”
“It’s okay, Elara. You’re allowed to be angry.” His understanding and patience is both reassuring and frustrating.
I don’t want him to be understanding with me. I want him to lash out. Tell me how everything is my fault. Blame me the way I know he should.
“Do you ever talk to him?” He rests his head back against the seat, his eyes never leaving mine.
“All the time,” I admit.
“Me too.” He smiles to himself.
“What do you talk about?” I mirror his actions, resting my head against the seat, turning toward him.
“Now that I can’t tell you.”
“Why? Because you’re talking about me?” I tease.
“Maybe,” he admits, not an ounce of humor on his face.
The flutter hits me hard and it’s a wonder that I don’t melt into a puddle on the floor right here and now.
“What do you talk about?” He quirks a brow. “Me?”
“Maybe.” I play coy, offering him only a smile before turning my gaze back out the window.