Five months earlier…
“You promised we’d do dinner and a movie tonight,” I remind Kam, crossing my arms over my chest as I stare at him across the four-wheeler between us.
“I know, bean, but we can do dinner and a movie anytime.” He smiles, knowing I can’t stay mad at him when he looks at me like that.
“Nope. That’s not gonna work this time.” I hold my stance, shaking my head adamantly.
“Bean,” he says knowingly, crossing around the four-wheeler to stand in front of me.
“Don’t you ‘bean’ me! You’re totally bailing on me for some bimbo with big boobs and if you ask me, an abnormally large ass.” I pick her apart even though I know the girl in question is gorgeous. Of course she is, as is every girl Kam dates.
He’s never been in a serious relationship but he has started dating more over the last couple of years. I smile and pretend it doesn’t bother me but deep down I know it’s a lie. A façade for some reason I feel like I have to keep up.
“Sounds to me like someone is jealous,” he points out.
“I’m not jealous. I’m mad. You’re leaving me all alone on a Saturday night. What the hell am I going to do now?”
“El, why don’t you tell me the real reason you’re so upset?”
“I am telling you the real reason.”
“I think we both know you’re lying.” He takes a step toward me, closing the distance between us.
We’ve done this before–this song and dance– toeing the line between friendship and something more. But something about this feels different somehow.
“I’m not lying.” I act confused. When in doubt, confusion works best.
“Bean.” He narrows his gaze at me.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” I question, panic rising in my chest.
“Because, you do this every time I have a date. And it doesn’t matter if I bail on you for it or not. Admit it, you hate that I go out with other girls.”
“I do not. I just don’t think they are good enough for you so I’m not sure why you waste your time,” I counter.
“As opposed to pining after someone I can’t have you mean?” My stomach instantly bottoms out and I have zero response to what he just said. I can take it so many ways but there’s only one way that matters and that’s what I want him to be saying. That he’s pining after me.
“What are…” I start, but Kam inches closer, his words drowning mine out.
“Tell me the real reason you’re mad that I have a date tonight, El,” he continues to challenge, his face so close to mine I can smell the sweetness of his favorite strawberry gum.
“I already told you,” I grind out.
“Tell me again.”
“Because you’re leaving me high and dry on a Saturday night.” I stick to my story.
“Tell me the truth, bean.” Both of his hands settle around my biceps and I instantly suck in a shaky breath.
“Kam.”
“The truth.”
“I can’t do this right now.” I try to avert his gaze but his hands tighten, holding me in place.
“We’ve done this for far too long, bean. I’m exhausted and quite frankly I don’t want to do this anymore. So I’m gonna ask you one last time to tell me the truth.” He pauses. “Tell me why you’re upset. The real reason.”
My eyes dart back and forth between his. Uncertainty and excitement both dance around in the pit of my stomach. I start to answer, second guess myself, and then move to answer again, only to stop myself.
I hold Kam’s gaze for the longest time; studying the tiny specks of blue and green that I’ve tried counting on more than one occasion.
It doesn’t take long before my resolution folds and I say, “You know why.”
“Not good enough, bean.” Kam shakes his head slowly but a small smile has formed on his lips.
“Because I’m in love with you, okay?” I erupt, the words exploding out of me with so much force that Kam instantly drops his grip on me and I’m able to take a full step back.
“Come again?” Kam’s smile is now full blown but there’s a darkness to his gaze.
“You heard me,” I say, wishing I could take it all back in that very instant.
“Say it again, El.” He closes the distance between us again, his hand snaking around my neck as he holds me firm to him. “Say it again,” he whispers against my lips.
“I’m in love with you,” I say for a second time.
“It’s about fucking time.” It’s the last thing I hear before Kam’s lips are on mine, soft and gentle, testing me, tasting me.
His tongue slides against mine and I swear my toes curl from the sensation. It’s everything that I thought kissing Kam would be like and yet completely different at the same time.
There’s a familiarity about it. Like it’s something I’ve done a million times before and yet there’s this excited flutter of butterflies in my stomach at the same time. It’s hard to explain and yet makes perfect sense all at once.
Because it’s Kam.
It’s only moments before he pulls back and drops his forehead to mine. Disappointment seeps through me and yet I’m also grateful for a second to clear my head and try to process what exactly is happening here.
“I always knew you’d be a good kisser,” Kam says breathlessly.
“Took you long enough to find out,” I challenge, pulling back to meet his gaze.
“The same could be said for you,” he reminds me. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Fuck, bean, do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted this?”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” My heart thuds violently inside my chest. And while I’m looking into the same eyes I’ve looked into thousands of times before, it feels like I’m seeing them for the first time all over again.
“I didn’t want to lose you,” he admits.
“Now you know why I didn’t say anything,” I counter.
“Is it possible that we’ve both wanted the same thing this entire time yet we were both afraid to act on it?”
“You tell me.”
“It’s been this way for me since day one, El. Day fucking one.”
“Me too.” I shrug, not sure what else to say.
“Come here.” He pulls me back to him, kissing me so sweetly I find myself questioning if this is actually real or just the repeat of a dream I’ve had several times before.
“All these years,” Kam mutters against my lips before pulling back slightly. “All these years I could have been kissing you.” He shakes his head. “So much wasted time.”
“And now?” I say, my voice thick.
“Now I’m never going to stop kissing you.” He smiles, the action lighting up his entire face.
“Does that mean your date with ass and boobs is off?” I ask, cocking my head to the side.
“You couldn’t pay me to go now.”
“If I’d have known all I had to do was kiss you to get you to stop blowing me off for dates, I would have done it a long time ago,” I tease.
“Why do you think I kept doing it?” He cocks a brow at me.
“You were testing me?” I question, more than a little surprised when he nods slowly.
“Have been for a while. I needed to know.”
“And you knew I’d break?” I question.
“I knew that eventually you’d show your cards. And today, well you did just that. I knew as soon as I said it, seeing the disappointment on your face, I knew it was more than me backing out of our plans. I just needed you to admit it.”
“You played me.” I shove playfully at his chest.
“I had to know, bean.”
“Then why not come right out and ask me?”
“Because I couldn’t risk it. Probably the same reason you didn’t come clean with me until just a couple minutes ago. We mean too much to each other. Neither of us could risk the other not feeling the same because who knows what effect that would have had on our friendship. I love you, Elara. And while yes, I’m also in love with you, having you as my best friend was so much more important than the chance to have you as my girlfriend.”
“Is that what you think I am now? Your girlfriend?” I say it seriously but I know he can read the humor behind my eyes.
“If that’s what you want to be.”
“Hmm.” I tap my chin, really thinking over my options.
“Shut the hell up and come here.” Kam laughs, grabbing my arm and pulling me flush against his chest.
“Be my girlfriend, Elara. Let me love you the way I’ve dreamt of loving you for the last seven years.”
Everything seems to slow down around us. There is no time, no space, no world outside of this very moment. How we went from our normal tater tot and butter bean banter to looking at each other like we’re seconds away from devouring one another is beyond me. It’s like I blinked and everything changed.
“Okay,” I say only seconds before Kam’s lips find mine again.
“What do you say we get out of here?” he suggests, his hands finding my hips and squeezing.
“Oh no, Thaler, you’re not getting off the hook that easy.” I pull back and give him a wide smile. “I get one go on the four-wheeler.”
“Bean,” he starts to object.
“No.” I shake my head before he can say anymore. “You’ve been driving me around all day like we’re in some altered version of ‘Driving Ms. Daisy.’ It’s cute and all but I wanna have some real fun before we take this baby back to Travis,” I say, patting the seat of the four-wheeler.
“Elara.”
“Please, Kam. Just one lap around the trail. I swear that’s it.”
“Why do I get the feeling you’re about to take me on the ride of a lifetime?” he questions, laughter dancing through his words.
“Because I am.” I wink, sliding onto the seat.
“Here.” He snags the helmet from the ground and moves to slide it onto my head. “If I’m going to ride with you, I at least need to know you’re safe.” He secures the helmet strap under my chin before finally sliding into the seat behind me. “Don’t make me regret this, bean,” he warns. “Take it nice and slow. No funny business.”
“And here I thought you knew me.” I laugh, feeling his arms latch around my waist just seconds before I fire the engine to life and take off like a bat out of hell.
****
Present Day
My eyes shoot open and for the tiniest moment I forget what I’m waking up to. The room dark, I blink my eyes–once, twice–and then it all floods back like a wave crashing over me and instantly I feel like I can’t breathe.
I gasp, trying to push the panic away, trying to pull in a breath, but it’s no use. My heart pounds so violently in my chest I feel like it’s seconds away from exploding and there’s not one damn thing I can do about it.
I close my eyes, trying to drown out the noise, the fear, the pain, all the memories. I try to bury it deep but it continues to roll to the surface.
Kane’s face flashes through my mind. The pain. The anger. The sympathy. All of the things that his expression held as he sat next to me and listened to me recount the events of the worst day of my life.
And then I see Kam. The way he smiled after he kissed me for the first time. The way he looked at me the same way he always had, yet it was so different at the same time. Then I think about the last time I looked into those hazel eyes. How they faded as he took his last breath. How I knew right then and there it would be the last time I’d ever be able to count the specks of blue and green.
I open my eyes only to close them again. The pain in my stomach from surgery has nothing on the pure agony sitting on my chest.
I can still hear Kane’s words like he’s standing here repeating them right now. Do not disrespect his memory by doing the one thing you know he wouldn’t want you to do.
I focus on that thought, knowing even in my current state that he’s right. Of course he is. But that doesn’t make the action of doing so any easier. Because that means I have to forgive myself and I’m not sure I can do that.
I turn my head to the side and let out a slow, uneasy breath.
It’s been hours since Kane walked out on me. Hours. I guess a part of me expected him to come back. The other part of me is not even a little surprised that he hasn’t.
What did I expect? That I would lay all that on him and things would go back to normal? God, why am I so amazing at messing up everything good in my life?
In that moment I realize my hands are resting on my belly just above my incision where they removed not only my fallopian tube, but the baby that had been living inside of me.
Kane’s baby.
The thought brings on a whole new onslaught of tears and I squeeze my eyes shut tighter, hoping to keep them at bay. I know that this pregnancy wasn’t a normal one. And I know that the baby had zero chance of survival. But even knowing this, it doesn’t lessen the sting of the loss.
“I’m sorry,” I say to no one in particular. “I’m sorry I let you down.” I look down at my stomach. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.”
I suck in a shaky breath and turn my gaze to the ceiling.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t save either of you.”
I close my eyes, praying for a response, something…anything to let me know that Kam’s here. That he can hear me. That he knows how much I love him and how much I miss him every single day. But I’m met with nothing more than deafening silence.